THE PARASITE-SPICH WIPPER-SNAPPER

formspring.me

2012-01-20T23:36:00.001+08:00

Ask me questions about whatever. http://www.formspring.me/spikopunk

only an underdog.

2012-01-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

allowed to be instructed...but not allowed to instruct...

allowed to be decided on...but not allowed to decide...

allowed to be ignored...but not allowed to ignore...

allowed to be neglected...but not allowed to neglect...

allowed to be loved...butnot allowed to love...

FML...

better off dead.
few more emotional shots, and i'm close to death.

i'll be gone before i can finish my journey.

2011

2012-01-08T13:10:00.000+08:00

what's up bloggy ;p

ahahhaa. how has 2011 been for me...

sure got the highs and the lows...

if there's such a word to describe everyday life, it's "grappling"...

it's just really funny how things usually turn out in people's lives.

the highs...good relationship with parents, good bestfriend, good grades.
.i've always been missing my folks wherever i go. i always worry about their health, their well-being. i know how lonely my mum and dad get. and i know how much they miss us...i guess that's how you are when you're much more of a homebody than your bro, you know how the people you love, move; how your parents feel. and i make sure i have good communication with them : D
my dad's an easy person to talk to especially if you're gonna ask for a necessity...we've been brought up not to be too materialistic. although my bro didn't adapt that ;p so anyhooo, i told dad my 5-year lappy Compaq is going off soon and that i'm having trouble using it with my school works. he immediately started asking me what specs i wanted and giving me links but told me not to keep my hopes up to get a new one cuz he's jobless and we're not rich enough to easily acquire one. well, long story short, i got my Lenovo U400 ; ) who would've thought i'd be getting a new one? ;p my mum's been eager to get me a table since she visited me when she came back on October and experienced eating on bed. tahha. my parents are just the best, giving me everything i need, to the extent of buying the things in SG and sending them all by cargo. hahaha. adik. i love my folks, period
.well, my childhood wish for a bestfriend came true...and at such a good timing that i'm away from home and into an estranged place. her guidance on things i do here helps alot. i thank you ella bez. ; D i love my bestfriend not cuz of the help she offers, but the kind of friend i've always wanted to have since young. the kind who'll play the swing with you at the playground while eating ice cream and talk about anything crazy ;) that's the kind ella is ;) my soul sistah...she absorbs my insanity acts; from depressions, academic ineptness, hyperness to farting & showing her my ear, eye & nose dirt fresh from their ovens. ; p
and i know that may it be a few or many years down the road we'll still have adventures and whatnot that bestfriends do til we perish...right tosh?! muah! i love you! : D
.well, i'm forcing myself to do good in school [with the help of ella..., thanks tosh for all the help] for the goals i have for my folks...so this year, those are the grades i got for two sems...i dedicate 'em and my studies to my folks ;) [details blocked for protection]

the lows...financial trials, loss of friends, love relationship.
.so yeah...since Dad left DPA after 12years, he hasn't gotten a fixed/regular job yet. always a temp few-month job since i left for phils...so, sigh...tough like this...just wish he'll still be working til at least i've graduated and gotten a REGULAR stable job myself. =/ it's sucky that already we're far away from one another, what more with him being jobless and prone to sickness, and always a worrywart along with Mum? well, i'm still thankful that Mum and Dad are there together with their tenants...at least they're not so lonely when they get home, fagged from work and worry about us 24/7...i'm also thankful that Dad still manages to patch holes up even if they're only good temporarily..it's better than nothing. just hate the fact that they lose their appetites most of the time just trying to keep the money for bro and i...so yeah. and how relatives would always ask from us like we're rich people...the net pay my folks get are just enough for us to survive for 30days, sometimes not even. if i'll be successful, fret not, i'll give a whole lot back to society..but if i know things won't be enough, that's when i'll focus on my priorities FIRST. i pray my folks will still work til i graduate before they totally become jobless.
.so i guess every year, we lose contact with people we used to be close with - friends. the treasurer that i am, hurts me to have to bear with losing closeness, communication with friends and even losing them. but yeah, life's cruel and unfair. so...move on! tahha. like it's that easy for a soft-boiled lass like me. sigh. but the soft-hearted that i am doesn't make me a chaser...dunno why. i just don't see the point of pushing myself to people who don't give a damn 'bout me. so if you want out...i'll stand back and that's that. so whatev...

.hmm, i hate it when my parents are affected by things they're aware of about me. just before prelims Dad and i were discussin' about the laptop, and unexpectedly,

"dadz:kasi,,,drop-by si tto alex mo sa mother niya first,,,then sa clark final destination niya,,,
dadz:ok pa ba kayo ni donski???
[o.0 like *BOOM* somethin' heavy just dropped on my heart but of course to lessen his worries, i said] Jo:opo.baket po?
dadz:nag chat2 pa ba kayo???
[O.0 *dang* i thought he was satisfied...anyway, i replied and asked the same question...]
Jo:opo
Jo:hahah
Jo:baket po
dadz:wala lang,,,
dadz:kepo,,,what???
Jo:wahahahhaha
dadz:concerned lang,,,,
dadz:<ding>
Jo:concerned daw ohhh
dadz:tulala ka na naman,,,huh?
Jo:tulala san po
dadz:kay donski,,,,
Jo:wat do u mean po?
dadz:teasing lang,,,,
Jo:kulit ni dad ;p
dadz:kiligs lang ako,,,i imagine noong ma-inlove ako???"...

then he started sharing about his lovelife with mummy and how much he loves her til now...i've always idolized their love and how my relatives and other people would always say how good my parents are to us despite the wacko shiznits my bro and i put em thru. that's just how much my parents wanna depict what love is. they depict it very well. not perfect, but good enough for us to pick up so many things from.
anyway, that wasn't the only time Dad asked me that question...a few times and even on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, asked if he called...and i just responded that he greeted me on YM...

i ended 2010 single, with a banging squall [when i got dumped for the first time]...began 2011 single i ended 2011 single. ouh and i'm starting 2012 single as well.
i thought i'm such a heroine...i can make a good relationship [if not a perfect one] with someone.

y'know...havin' learned from friends and family's so-called 'mistakes'...but ouhwell, no matter how much you invest your everything on something, if you're not getting what you invested on in return, then too bad...i invested love, trust ON love and trust on everything else, time and all things else to make the relationship work..but to no avail.

the good part of it is that, i know for myself i've become a better person and most definitely not the quitter i used to be. i can guarantee that i loved so much i didn't quit on us, that i was willing to sacrifice so many things for better future cuz i was NOT selfish enough just to be where i'm at now and be deciding and doing whatever for my own future. cuz my abrupt decision back in 2009, was NOT just for my own and my family. but my future with someone too.

so yeah, people make mistakes cuz we just humans. and God forgives and tells us to change for the better & He never leaves our side. so, instead of gettin' mad and quittin' on me, He guides me the right path.

we all have our shortcomings, but quitting on somethin' and falling out of it are two different things. you quit on it and NEVER go back. 'quit' is a forever thing. 'falling out of' something can let you get back up on track...now because i became soft-hearted on the last two relationships...i don't believe i deserve to be walked out on and just let you come back whenever you feel like it. whoa! i'm not a craving where you can get it when you want it and have it then just leave it hangin' when you've gotten sick of it.

stupid love...all those twitterpation people make other people feel. hypocrisy of showing only the good side, deceiving the other just to get what you want. and when you finally get it, your true colours unveils and abuses the other's emotions. sigh...i feel uber sorry fo myself that i came so cheap, givin' in after just 2 months of courtship. i know i'm not someone so special and treasure-able enough but does that mean i can't have dignity?

because of love on this relationship, i got hurt, because of that love, i see men as assholes. cuz of that love, i don't see me with any other; no matter how sweet and adorable they are to me. cuz of that love, i don't see sincerity in guys' eyes anymore. no, i don't believe modernness has something to do with the change of courtship. because of technology, people got lazier and more impatient with things. they always expect things to be instant...then get sick of things in an instant as well. i've been slapping myself to stop being so nice...ugh!

when i hear compliments from both girls and guys even after seeing my daftness, i asked why, and they say i'm different, i got standards. ---- eh??? made me think why i got dumped lotssa times by the same guy if that is so...then i disagreed.

heart = trust. you want my heart, earn it. love = patient. you're the impatient kind? then fuck off. i don't need people who'll keep walkin' outta my life and come back whenever the fuck they want. you think i got low class, go look for someone with a higher class and make you fall head over heels in love with her. i am done being dumped...it hurts so bad i think of unfit situations.

but i've told myself, this fucking is it, enough is enough. first of all, he was NEVER my type. but i gave in and took the risk of gettin' involved with him to see how things would go - i gave myself a chance to love and be loved again because he really seemed like a very good guy. and because i wasn't attracted to him, i gave myself 2 months...but amazingly, it lasted for 2 years plus. he's seen my ugly sides from the start of his courtship. he stole me from a guy i was dating - who was almost gonna get into a fight with him in public. his efforts to gain my trust on him made me fall for him. and i fell. we were revealed to my folks by my cousins when i was already here in the phils. so he celebrated our first anniversary by meeting my folks for the first time, even without my presence and was so eager to change the facebook's relationship status after. he visited me here 8months after we were apart. he met my relatives, and they love him til now. and the year after that, especially my transfer to Lyceum, things started to crumble down. but i was already so in-love that i stooped so low and told him to fight for us. he did. then after his last visit here was the start of the corrosion. just by one mistake i did, lying about a small thing, everything smeared. the first dump i received, hurt so bad it was too much for me to handle. i went back there and we both asked for forgiveness and wanted me back. i knew he was the impatient kind [quit due to hopelessness, and won't stay to win the challenge], so i gave in again and we both felt stupid after realizing we rushed on our decision. so that second dump happened cuz he didn't feel much anymore. but few hours later, he withdrew his words and wanted to work things out again. *What The Fuck* well maybe if he hadn't dumped me in the first place, i'd still be in love. but when you get wounded and scarred by the same person, you feel like it's not the old you anymore. i felt so fucking low of myself, i had to do some soul searching. i needed time off to think and find who i really am and who i am to people. already i warned him i may not be able to be so KIND enough to respond to his sorry-efforts [which wasn't much of an effort..] but he promised he'll wait NO MATTER WHAT. wow, i've heard that so many times already, it's become a cliche. and in the end, he just ignores his "no matter what" shinit. i've been so kind to giving in even if i haven't fully healed from his cruelty cuz i know he might get tired of waiting. whoa. i didn't know i can be a martyr as well. all i wanted was to find myself and he couldn't wait anymore. to what extent was your effort, boy? you're only effortful in the beginning. texting me everyday, that stopped. what? you only relied on ym and expect me to always be online. whatever happened to email? sms? letter? maybe i wasn't worth your "effort".
just to share, my cousin, JB and Ecko...they weren't together yet when they guy broke his promise of waiting for her...he had a GF and left JB hanging...he came back and absorbed lotssa criticisms from our cousins before JB could forgive what he did. he went through a series of obstacles in that small needle just to regain her trust. he never stopped til he got her trust back. and now they're doing well. Ecko's still waiting for her to graduate[he's been waiting for 4 years now] before they can become official.
and i thought our love was better than theirs. even everybody thought it was. but i was fucking wrong.
maybe he got tired and he wanna be practical...why wait for someone who's so far away? maybe he wants to be with another...someone better, someone who can give him all his desires...but why? won't i come back in the end? tsktsktsk, how self-centred. what he feels, he decides, and the rest don't matter. it's really hard to be with an autocratic. so there.
the hardest is, being in a new place alone, without the people you love most...building new relationships and interacting with new people, new environment and all you needed from the people you left behind was love, patience, trust and moral support. but i was left behind.

i don't know how he was taught to love. his parents seem to have a good relationship. but yeah well. i've said more than enough. just a few weeks of silence and he gave up. what about the first time he dumped me? i had to endure the silent-treatment for how many weeks and months? hmm, for the motherfucking last time, i'm expecting him to say all those hurtful words to my face again when i go back there. he got the courage and balls to dump me so many times cyber-ly, without physical presence, i'm sure he can do it face-to-face. he started this relationship with the cheek to ask me face-to-face, he better end it that way. he better show me his beautiful facial expressions, and body gestures. for the last time, i'm asking him to do this in the proper manner. face me, eye-to-eye and tell me we are through.

good relationships don't just happen. they take time, patience and two people who TRULY wanna be together. LOVE is not about texting every minute or communicating everyday..it's about TRUSTING each other that you won't do anything stupid while you're not together. no successful relationship is made easy. Prayer, Strength, Forgiveness, Love & Trust will help assist you in keeping a solid foundation. the virtue of love is not to find the perfect person..but to love the imperfect person PERFECTLY.in life, people come and go - only those who STAY are worth your love, care, attention and time.LOVE is not about finding the right person..it's about creating the RIGHT relationship..it's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build till the end..
Sometimes you just have to keep quiet, if you really mean something to them, they'll feel the lost and find you..if not, don't bother either.

an excerpt from Women, From A Guy Who Loves One by Akoposijayson on Thursday, 5 January 2012 at 03:20:
"1. Ang mga babae, madaldal/mabunganga - Oo, wala talagang tigil ang bibig nila sa pag-rachada sa kakasalita. Lalo na sa tuwing pinapaalala nila sayo na oras na para inumin ang iyong gamot, kapag nagtatanong sila kung kumain ka naba, kapag ginigising ka nila sa umaga upang hindi ma-late at yayaing mag-almusal, at sa mga pagkakataong nag-aalala sila sayo at tinatanong kung nasaan kana. Walang duda. Madaldal nga. Hayaan mo na, balang araw, siguro magbabago din sila. Tipong maririnig mo lang e "Oo", "Hindi" at "Pwede". Para kayong naglalaro ng Pinoy Henyo. Romantic siguro ng buhay niyo nun.

2. Ang mga babae, masyadong sentimental - Sinabi mo pa. Tandang tanda nga nila ang petsa at lugar kung saan kayo unang nag date, isinulat niya din sa kanyang diary kung ano ang mga ginawa niyo, nakatago at ingat na ingat siya sa mga larawan ninyong dalawa, daig pa niya ang Smithsonian sa pag-aalaga ng mga iniregalo mo at kahit kailan di niya nalilimutan ang mga importanteng okasyon tulad ng anniversary, monthsary, weeksary o birthday mo. Nakaka-inis ba? Ok lang yan, malay mo next time, hindi na siya ganun. Tipong i-aasa nalang niya sa Facebook ang pag-alala ng iyong kaarawan. Tapos tamang post nalang sa wall mo ng "hapi bday".

3. Ang mga babae, emosyonal - They cry about movies. They get teary with a romantic novel. They blush and gasp upon seeing a picture of a cute dog or cuddly baby. Bakit ba ganun sila? Buti nalang tayo hindi. Kinikimkim lang natin lahat ng emosyon sa loob hanggang sa sumabog at atakihin sa puso o di naman kaya e magpapakalasing tapos magwawala at maghahamon ng thumb wrestling. Di ba mas logical yun? At bakit ba gusto nila laging pag-usapan ang mga nararamdaman ng bawat isa? Madalas pa mag-imagine na ikakasal kayo. Laging nag a-iloveyou, i miss you, take care at mwah mwah sa text o IM. Asar ka naba at nako-cornyhan? Ayos lang yan. Darating din siguro ang time na titigil siya. At ise-send ang mga yun sa iba.

Women are probably the greatest gift to men, from God, besides beer and sizzling sisig. At para sakin, women deserve all advantages, lalo na sa pag-ibig. Sana lahat ng babae ay maging masaya ang love life. Sana, walang babaeng heart-broken. Kasi, tayong mga lalake, we're meant to pursue them and it's ok if we fail from time to time. It's the way nature intended it. Gaya ng paghabol ng isang leon sa usa o pag-ikot ng earth sa paligid ng araw. Mas ok kung tayo nalang yung masaktan. E sila? Isipin mo, nagkakaroon sila ng "dalaw" at nababaliw kada buwan, nabubuntis at maghihirap ng 9 months, at pinaka matindi sa lahat, kailangan pa nilang panatilihing makinis at walang buhok ang kanilang mga kili-kili. Ano ba naman pasayahin sila at gawing "scar-free" ang kanilang buhay pagibig.

And if you are with a great gal, do everything to make her happy. Don't ever break her heart. Wag kang magpa-uto sa mga statistics, na nagsasabing, mas marami ang babae sa lalake, kaya ok lang mang-chiks. Ano pa bang gusto mo? Hindi paba sapat na minahal ka niya sa kabila ng iyong pagiging engot at kawalan ng romantic DNA sa katawan? Malaki man ang populasyon nila sa mundo, napaka-liit ng tsansang makakilala ka ulit ng tulad niya. Na magtya-tiyaga sayo.

Tandaan, pansamantala ka mang maakit ng naglalakihang pulang high-heels o maaarteng makintab na sandals, mas masarap paring umuwi sa nag-iisang tsinelas ng buhay mo."

i would've laid it off...had you not left me unnecessarily.

in ire i still am...

for you promised to never scathe me like my past did...

yet you wound up trashing me back to the garbage you picked me up from.

you gave me hope...yet you destroyed it.

two-weeks-in-the-making post.

25/12/11 @ 03:58 - 08/01/12 @ 13:10

hello to the start of Back to December.

2011-12-01T23:10:00.001+08:00

relationship-wise...eh? ouh really? haven't i already met so many "a few wrong people..."???

and have later been "grateful"...???

so tell me what this implies...
=_="

maybe you people can learn from me...show your ugliest side first to see if the person courting you will still go after you...and not cheat people's feelings and show how good you are then strip your real colours off later on and show how much of a pussy you are.

=_=" such a bad move...pppfftt!

damn whatever...

2011-10-14T15:50:00.001+08:00

freaking bummer. my wisdom tooth's bugging me again - at the wrong time! damnit. it's makin me not accomplish anything at all! since the other day. the pain is so torturous, all it makes you do is rest it off ;'( unintentionally.

i wasn't able to submit the help tosh was seeking from me on time...sigh. i wasn't able to study for my Trigo quiz so i did not get to answer anything at all. a BIG FAT zero. had i known, i wouldn't have attended the stupid class and just rested the pain off sumor. i was able to run some errands after the stupid class; @ Walter, withdrew for my supposedly-electricity-bill [only to know the bill will be comin' next week], attempted to buy medz for my damn toothache [they didnt have it so i went home, changed to my slippers, went to my laundrywoman's place and told her to get someone to just deliver the clothes to my place then went SM withdrew and paid for my Net bill, bought medz then went home, bought food, ate, drank medz...still no use...haiz...not surprised if i'll fail my stupid Finals. damn all the Final projects and exam. BIG DAMN. *blah blah blah*

HAPPY 10th ToshBosh.

accept..someone...

2011-10-10T21:00:00.000+08:00

to us all...

i know everyone can relate.

BV mo, isaac!

2011-10-03T22:00:00.000+08:00

zzzz. 6pm-9pm just woke up...finally my eyes are starting to fail me again. tired-eyes & headache back again...i so NEED my specs. thanks to JAY-R for having a rock-body and breaking it back in june? lol.

i didn't know mom's visit here will cause my allowance to drop, tahha. si mummy taga oh...tsktsk. got quite alot of expenses this month summor le, how? buy new specs frame, laundry, clothes for defense, send clothes for repair all these. wahhhh. how sia? ouhwell. whateder.

this morning i snapped at Sir Isaac. all this while, he never elucidated the shits we were supposed to do and suddenly telling us this morning that we don't have Semi-Finals project...i was like "whaaaat?!...blahblahblah...who else knew about this?!" and he was like "blahblahblah...you're not paying attention...". nobody even uttered a word aside from Ella. and then Rannie & Abby turned out to know about it like just recently! the rest of the class? no need to say luh =.=". i reacted with a pretty loud *WTF* and isaac was almost gonna send me out...
i'm not rude in public naman, but if the person you're talkin to is an effed up person, wouldn't you get effed up and talk in an effed up way? in my case i've been keeping my composure but this morning, you get that kinda stuff?! dang. that was my first, by the way. well, he told us to see him after class, we talked to him [he was already cool by then] and i apologized naman, he gave us chance to show him the work on Thursday ;)...

turns out, we've been doing the SemiFinal project for Finals when it should be for SF..the Final project is just the continuation of the SF...getz? ahahah. BV much!

y'know, even if he's a considerate prof, he's not fit enough to be one. he's never been approachable, he never make his answers clear whenever we ask for his help..then he would give HWs and projects that's not even taught or had no introduction about. as in dunnoe anything about that thing then we do our own research we still dun understand so we ask, then he ignore or say a few words oni like =.="

then i pay $$$ fo what?! wahleo, one day, when i blow up, i will talk to Dean uh. from the start already he cocking up...wahlau...what to learn sia. good thing he was replaced by Ms Shiela for our VB sub, otherwise, i'd be dead since then. tahha. ouhwell.

that aside, we went waltermart, the place so sian, nothing much at all but better than nothing. tahha. at least i dunav to go SM to do groceries... ;) good thing it wasn't called WalterMart Lyceum. ahahah, corny lang eh. we played a few games, as usual, im the loser. wahaha. wehhh!? ikaw na... ;p

i haven't been interested in FB since yesterday since i got the camel to do my project! hahaha, galeng ko! la lang, share lang...k. time to rush on my projects edi...my failing-eyes so wrong timing one...just when i need to mug cuz it's FINALS. so the kepokia luh...help me survive, can?

when i woke up, my mind was like...

2011-09-29T13:59:00.000+08:00

i would like to take this opportunity to thank my bestfriend, Sheshe for takin' time off from school, and the effort to come down to bring me food and medicine. truly, a God's gift...i've been wishing for an elder sister, and i got it. well, she may be younger than me, but she sure takes care of me like an elder sis does. that's why i call her my soul sister. ssup soul sistah!?

i hope i will get better already. i hate this feeling. i miss how mummy takes care of me when i lay sick in bed...and the fact that my bestfriend lives so far away from me and is unable to be by my side to spoonfeed me everything when i'm sick, is already a HUGE thing for me, just to watch her do things for me since day 1 of our friendship.

i'm so sure the guy who'll fall for her will be the luckiest...amazing. ouhwell ;) she always tells me, "that's what bestfriends are for" ;)

also thank you to my classmates for the concern...i'm just thankful that i've met many good people since secondary school, who really show concern and are good at putting it through actions...thank you all.

i am blessed ;) nuff said.

;'(

2011-09-26T00:00:00.003+08:00

three years ago at this hour, we were prolly still up, planning for our EC adventure...i hope today will be extra special even if...
*dumbfounded*

"3rd"

fear

2011-09-23T00:58:00.001+08:00

school. today school was the usual.. ;) it's stressful but at the same time, destress-ful...one more paper to go, and Semis are over...projects for Finals are piling up, subject by subject... =.=" i don't know which and where to start & we are left with only 4 weeks. *sigh*

unexpected errand. after school, went to SM with Tosh...initially just to withdraw & canvas speakers [for me], only to end up buying chicken-to-cook [cuz i craved on the way], shawarma for her, Zagu b.k.a BubbleTea for me, and of course, the Creative speakers i got for just 1300 Pesos = $39.40 [compared to the already-sale in SG of $45 ;p] i got it tested, sounded fine. i'll be coming back for it on Saturday cuz i couldn't carry anymore [tell you why later] ;p

it was jading...cuz y'know, whenever you're with me, you'll walk to and fro, til you've rounded the mall so many times =.=" well i got myself fagged as well.. ;p imagine bein up since 0430am for 0730am - 6pm class? wouldn't all you'll be lookin' forward to is go home and respite your arse? instead, running some more errands after school...just a total bummer...but it's still fun, i'm afterall with bestfriend to accompany me. i always feel sorry i have to drag ella and tire her out but i am always glad i don't feel like a tourist when i'm with her ;) she brings comfort in me. tahha. emo.

bestfriend. i really am thankful that i made a bestfriend here, Sheshe takes good care of me better than i do of her [my being older than her]...i still feel noob-ish most of the time [just don't show it 'course]. it's just so funny that at such a short period of time, she understands what i'm saying with how i talk.. unlike the others...She always winds up being my translator...always. wahahah. ouhwell. that's what amazes me, i guess it's God's given gift ;) i love you ToSh-eshE-lla! <3

fulminant fright. on the way home, i was strugglin' with my things; my full-of-gold bag [or should i say my-whole-apartment bag], lappy & HEAVY groceries in PAPER BAG! & NO, i do not own a car.

the night here really FREAKS ME OUT. as the jeep moved, i observed too many things i should've already found normal [considering the duration of my stay here]...but the more i looked out, the more i got frightened...i feel like every after sun sets, all the wild stuffs happen =/ road illumination here relies heavily on the vehicles themselves, so if you're walkin alone, you can feel the creepiness..[anyone/ANYTHING can just grab you out of nowhere and you'll vanish without witnesses =/] the noise was a torment to my ears with all the honkings, and people yacking...but at the same time, i preferred that to total silence which would be more unpleasant - like being with zombies...DAYUUUM! seriously. I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME PAST 7 ALREADY.

;'( y'know being alone just ain't so much of a pleasure, it tests your endurance on handling situations...well, basically, managing your LIFE. you can really go haywire if you mull over it. i break down veritably...so it does take its toll on you...enormously.

it really is baffling, having so much to do in school, plus being homesick; missing your family, your life before, your love life...

as much as i want things to be back to normal, i have to respect my heart and let it mend..this time, it's my turn. It is not easy, to be said of things you never could imagine the person who loves you and whom you loved so, with such, then leaves you...BUT then comes back feeling remorseful...

as much as you love the person, it isn't easy to just go back like you were not hurt - all for the sake of your sorrow to bog off. i just wanna make sure the next time i am asked the question again, i hope by that time, you're already determined with your decision, you be keeping your words as a man, hold on tighter til the end of my life..no more "be open to possibilities", you'll make me fall for you again and "bring the FIRE back" that will last til my last breath. i believe we still can show effort even without communication..i know so.

yes, you see me laugh, but i also cry...i'm human after all. and there are things i can't let out just like that. i still have my privacy like any other. don't tell me you don't keep things from me...

*sigh* truly rugged ;'( give me more strength to keep going. i just need more motivation and inspiration to run on. in whichever way i can receive 'em...surprise sms, surprise phone call, surprise email...whatever. i just NEED it. PLEASE? they will be blessings for me.

2011-09-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

back to work-out...Day 1. i woke up to watch the videos i loaded last night. several vids were of Ciara's. the culprit that triggered me to have an adrenaline rush. i hope i get this every morning ;p i do miss havin' the slim tum.

lunch with the cheebei galz. i was so lookin forward to eat lotssa fried vege lumpya only to find out the cheebei galz have gobbled em all up! BBOOOOOOO! i really don't feel comftable eatin' foods at other karenduryas when it's not 3Ks[loyal siaaa]. *sigh* never fails to give me the feeling of the meat being of other animals' & also the puking sensation i get all the time..zzzz =.="
PLUS seeing my bestfriend unwell just gives me the sucky feeling of not being able to do anything when i so wanna. ouhwell. i just hope she takes care of herself more by ABIDING the rules of her DIETARY and not eat foods she knows she's not supposed to eat... ;'( i hate seeing u like that. stop being a bitch to your body.

reminiscence. the weather caught my attention at Stats class today...
being located at 4th floor, students get to enjoy the heavenly scenery that outlooks Batangas...and i for one, have always loved skygazing; particularly when it's SUNNY; forming shapes of clouds whenever i was at the Esplanade rooftop or the VivoCity Sky Park...

though, the only reminiscence i had earlier that kept replaying in my mind, was walkin' hand-in-hand from the bus stop towards
BLK 202 and vice versa...why that setting? *shrugs* i don't know...i don't have power over my mind...do you?
at that moment i so had the itch to teleport back home just to inhale the atmosphere and relive the moments even just for a little while before i get snapped back to reality.

i suddenly had the strong desire of goin' back either this sem-break [but Mom's comin' to visit] or Christmas [i so sure-guarantee-confirm-chop cannot...ticket prices are just skyhigh]. i wanted to scream my lungs out and cry even though i was happy. you know the moment you get when you're interacting with your classmates and unanticipatedly get that disruption? it really brought my mood down for a few minutes...but all thanks to Ms Tin's lesson, helped get me back on track ;) i never fail to enjoy her classes ;D

awww, i missed this. i hope this will be consistent again. i don't know. i guess i finally got my keen back to write ;p yeyyyy! this is pretty good ;) keep up the good work, me. ;p

19/09/2008

2011-09-19T10:31:00.000+08:00

the day i confessed and expressed the affection i felt
in the trite 3 words.

"just hoping for u to let me love you..

I will make sure youre happy with me.

I will never hurt you.."

"remember..."im yours" majo.
naks..
i will still be waiting for you to be mine and accept me... :D"

One should know what they really need and want in life.

Determine only after excogitation,

not the spur of the provocation, precipitance and fervour.

When one has acquired their desire, take them not for granted.

Take no advantage of 'em.

Being successful in life in the form of ego & all kinds of materialism,

will not make one, whole.

One may have all the wealth he's been striving for all his life

yet has no one to share it with,

then he isn't triumphant - still.

"Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation: You just never know..." just travail.

cry

FTW.

...

2011-03-27T20:35:00.003+08:00

i am hard to love.

...

2011-02-21T21:59:00.003+08:00

i do not know if this will be the worst feeling i can feel with my bestfriend...
but currently, this is the first time i've experienced the most excruciating feeling of being ignored and brushed aside by my bestfriend.

i did not have the intention of spending my day like this.
had i known i will be treated like this, i would not have waited just to WASTE my time being snubbed.

when i found out you guys were going to SM, i got hyped..for i knew i would get to spend some quality time with my bestfriend again.
when i saw you with rochelle, i locked my eyes on you, waiting fo you to notice me and when you finally saw me, i smiled with excitement...but...
you gave me that snotty look; raised an eyebrow and continued walking on with rochelle...
okaye, i get it. you did not like what you saw but i did not let that get into me so i waited for you to come back from the washroom..and when you did, i even gave you a kiss and said 'i miss you'..and i did that because that's what i felt..i didn't do that just to make you feel better..and i don't know what you felt but again, you snubbed me and walked into the arcade with rochelle, leaving me behind. MJ felt so bad that he told me to walk ahead and walk beside you, but the look that you had, walking with rochelle, talkin' bout things made me step back cuz i didn't wanna be an extra shit, tailing you around, knowing i wasn't part of your convo. that, i respected.
i sat beside you, and tried to talk to you, to make sure that i have my attention on you but you just rattled on with roch about things i don't think i know. i couldn't quite hear you guys but i think you guys were chatting about boys...cuz the tone that you had, sounded so cheeky...
and i thought to myself, how come i feel like i don't know about this, i didn't hear you talk to me about this. then it reminded me about seeing you chatting with tyrone on sunday...and i thought i was a bestfriend enough to be told about these things? how come rochelle had to be the first to know? how nice.
it didn't fuck me up. it hurt me. i was right beside you! on your left..but you chose to speak with the other person next to you, on your right! i was there, i did my part and made sure you still had and always will have my attention but i was ignored. you had so much things to talk about with roch and when it came to me, utter silence. i wanted to leave from the start...when you and roch went yacking and me being ignored because i was getting teary. but i told myself that that'd be an immature thing to do. so i waited, yet nothing happened.
i c-l-e-a-r-l-y wasted my time. i wanted to cry cuz it hurt so much. i tell you everything that's happening in my life but you don't. and i respect your belief that some things are just not meant to be shared. what i can't accept is the fact that things you share to other people, you don't share to me.
then i guess i know where i really stand in your life.

putatively 28th...

2011-01-26T23:30:00.002+08:00

i'm not insensitive to actually not remember this day...
feelings and thoughts are effete if you refuse to divulge it...
for you will forget the days you felt that way...
hence my frequent disclosure ritual

i treasure every thing that has hit and hits me hard.
;)

i treasure 26. ;)

i'm hard! ;p

2011-01-22T17:07:00.000+08:00

here's what you'll agree with...

3 reasons you'll hate and unlove me:

1] i'm hard to please

2] i'm hard to convince

3] i'm hard to love

cuz i am a hardheaded & hardhearted person.

period.

pain

2011-01-19T05:03:00.002+08:00

sigh. okaye. so he's totally taking me out of his life.
days back...he still had our photos in his 'Profile Pictures'. now it's gone. and cropped. =.=
then lesslie...
what a fucking weigh-down...
just feel like really goin' off already...

i feel like Saturday's chat was useless.
even if God knows i didn't lie much to him...
and i was brave enough to be guilty and i came clean in the end, it's useless.

the more i see disappointing things...the more i'm really gonna retaliate...it's just not helping me...it's dragging me further down.

love is unjust.
the emotional pain i feel is like death...
i'm havin' thoughts of it again...
it's crazy but... 2nd heartbreak from a Filipino guy i gave my everything to. even more than my 1st love...
just too much.
i'm givin' up soon.......
it's gonna be a real goodbye.
don't be surprised if one of these days...
;'(

gettin' up.

2011-01-16T13:23:00.000+08:00

yesterday & yesternight...was an outpour of despair.

i know not what had gotten into me but i know i still intent to mend the bruise i have caused both of us.

it will take time.

please, give me time.

for time heals everything, they said.

i want to learn to love myself again first...

before i continue to love you again...

i still love you so much...

but i wanna transfer that excess love for you ['so much'] to my own soul first.

i'm still lost.

most of the things i'm doing is out of heartbreak.

the happiness i get from the people around me is temporary...

due to lack of self love, perhaps.

i've learned to depend my felicity on the people around me.

i wanna learn to trust, love and believe in myself once more.

it may take days, weeks, months, even years.

but i hope you'll still wait.

inform me, if you can't.

i'm just lost.

i need everybody's guidance.

your guidance.

show me you still care...

"no regrets, just lessons learned."

bitterness.

2011-01-15T22:03:00.001+08:00

ouch.
that's so unjust.
so ungentlemanly...
cut the convo cuz your're being whelmed by your fucking ego again! my enemy!
ugh! give me more reasons to unlove you, please?!
just so i can get over you already?!
please?! i just need more of those hurtful words...
so i can hate you.
i hate this fucking feeling but the more you hurt me...the more i get numb...the more i get stoic.
i just wanna be stoic on love again.
i learned to love real...but i end up hurt.

fuck.
you just provoked me.

i wanna play with love again. i wanna see how guys hurt like i just did.

bitterness.

you are unjust.

i am gonna haunt you when i fucking die.

son of a fucking bitch!

only just a dream...PART 2

2011-01-15T16:07:00.128+08:00

i didn't know sleeping all day can give me dReams i dReam of happening...but is FAR FROM HAPPENING :(

UGH! i just woke up fRom anotheR dReam of us...OOG.

why is it that now that we'Re gone, i get fRequent dReams of him?! and didn't when we weRe still togetheR...tsktsktsk...

i was back in singapoRe...and michael and i met at a shopping centRe somewheRe in City Hall to have the pRopeR closuRe.

i decided we eat fiRst...the place we went to...was a buffet place [cosy auRa] tho with a confeRence being held =/

then at the side of it, was like a small paRt of a Food CouRt wheRe we could BUY food...took me long to decide what food to buy...tho i don't RemembeR if i got to eat cuz of the long queue in eveRy stall =/

we then went to a bookshop, fooling aRound while looking foR a plastic coveR foR my notebook =/

then walked while chillin' like how we used to be...

we Reached my place then we went inside my Room...we played the bike thingy foR kids? only thing is it's foR adults...lol. so we went Round and Round my Room...laughing ouR asses out...then we got tiRed and he laid in my bed. then i decided to join him afteR tuRning on music on my lappy. i laid down and i staRted to get emotional...and i kept saying soRRy and that i just want eveRything to be back to how we used to be...and that i pRomise to neveR do anything he doesn't like me doing anymoRe...my teaRs just kept Running down my face and he shut me up with his kiss...and we weRe about to make out when i heaRd noises outside...

i checked it out and mom and dad weRe theRe...Removing theiR shoes while talkin' 'bout the unknown shoes which they suspect was michael's cuz of the plan of having the closuRe i told them about.

"hey mom, dad...michael's heRe"

"yea, we noticed...theRe's a paiR of unknown shoes"

"hehe, yeap."

they weRe shaking theiR heads...thinking of malicious things =,="

*at 1709 houRs, James MoRRison's acoustic veRsion of bRoken stRing was playing on the Radio...
AND THAT WOKE ME UP!!!*

and i just got MORE emotional...tsss.

it's like...as days pass, the moRe i'm feeling of the loss?!

eh! why i always late Reaction aR?! OOG.

sigh. i can't change foR the betteR if i don't have a good Reason foR the amelioRation. he knew it way befoRe...once he leaves... i'll be like this. i just wanna be good again but...i can't see myself being good foR no one but him :( he's the Reason foR my change...tsss.
call me shallow, i don't give a fucking fuck.
yes, this is the immatuRe me...
you alReady know my weakness way befoRe yet you chose to use it against me by giving up on me...
i'm blaming you foR what i have become and am becoming now. tsk.

only.

2011-01-15T11:45:00.005+08:00

ONLY YOU and your last chance can change me for the better again...

few days back, had a convo with momzky...then randomly brought michael up.
she asked how he was doing...

and i responded, "how was i supposed to know."

but that i also told her about the plan i have when i come back home...

that was to have a good closure...

then she got curious again as to why we really broke up.

and she wondered...

"so how...if you guys get married...if one makes a mistake...he'll leave just like that?"

"there's nothing we can do, mom. it's just the way it is..."

"haiyuh...whatever...just focus on your studies, okaye, baby?"

"yes mom... ;)"

ouhwell.

only just a dream...

2011-01-15T11:23:00.002+08:00

wow. what a dream. ;)

but...

i doubt it'll happen...

we were havin' our usual 'manila adventure' during his visits - tho in my dream, we really have parted... =/ [the irony of dreams...tsktsk...]
in fast pace he walked, while i tried to keep up from behind.
suddenly some guys hanging around along the streets were mumbling things to me as i walked past...
and michael [who probably took notice] got protective; and so grabbed my left hand and took big steps just to get me off that place...
he then pressed me against the wall and uttered:
"i still love you, joanne. i just want you back..."
thrusted his body towards mine...then an exchanged of body heat
"i still love you too, michael...i love you."
" i just love you so much, baby..."
"i love you too baby..."
he then pulled away as he realized we were in public...
we continued walkin', only this time...with sparks ;p *fireworks! grenades! dynamite!*
we made a stop-over at a stall, ordered burger and hotdog sandwich while he went away for awhile...then came back with a bunch of friends who seemed to be working at those 'big blocks of ice' places...that was located just beside the stall we were at. introduced me to them then informed me they'll just go to the place for awhile. minutes later, i got bored and lonely and decided to follow him. saw the place that looked like trash with street kids playing with those big blocks of ice =/
went further in and found no one...
then i woke up.
=_="

nice ending ar. to hell with whatever the shit that woke me up! thanks for spoiling my dream! tsss.

*snap back to reality, jojo* tsss.

Relinquish.

2011-01-09T23:24:00.000+08:00

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

hmmm...i guess i loved him too much that i had to let him go...
i dare not force myself into someone who chooses to walk away and doesn't want me anymore...
but my friends, especially those who know me longer, know well enough that what i had with him was real.
they saw the big change, the different and better me when i was with him...
they knew i gave my all. something i'd never do to any other.
the one i had with my first love...was nowhere close to what i had with him...
because my last wish and prayer from God...i requested for a last love that will last til my last breath...and when i get it...i will tReasuRe it and would give eveRything.

yes, i'm still a human being. i make mistakes.
i am guilty. but it's just not enough to bRing eveRything back. it's alRight. it's a lesson leaRned.

i've stopped hoping...but my fRiends aRe continuing the desire of us getting back one day.
"just let time heal" they said.

but it's too early to tell...for many words & promises were broken...
"foreder" for one...is really "whateder"-ish...
"i'm not gonna leave you"...
"no matteR what"...

i was just as huRt as he was/is?...

last chance...

2011-01-08T03:11:00.007+08:00

last chance is all i need to be a good person...and be a better one...

but if i get no 'go' signal...means i'll continue this.

~~still~~ being hopeful for the last time no more... ;)

updated: 2133h, 08/01/11

heart and soul piercer.

2011-01-01T21:50:00.003+08:00

facebook message @ 2138h

"Hi, u dun need to reply to this, but this is just more like a final statement. I want to end this in a nice way, I dont wanna be angry towards you anymore. I cant do anything about it but this happens in love relationship. I want to move on comfortably. I didnt expect this to happen., but i dont like you being like that, and it hurts me that i cant take this anymore. Im not asking for any of ur explanations., Because i dont think there's any way, I can be with u anymore. But through the years ive learned things from you, thats why im thanking u for everything since u came to my life. now its over, new chapter of life for us will begin this new year. although i know its a terrible way to start a new beginning for us. But Im hoping for us to move on., and yeah, take care always, thanks and sorry for everything., I love you, GOODBYE..."

if the higher one [God] can forgive...why can't you? you're just his fucking creation...
you just proved to me that im unlovable. and i will FOREDER grasp that.
FUCK THIS.

i am a good liar

2011-01-01T01:20:00.063+08:00

why did it have to come to this?

i came here to the Phils to fulfill my goals and dreams and you were in it.

i set limits to discipline our relationship...and to have a healthy one.

yet I WAS THE ONE who broke 'em.

THE IRONY i say.

i was optimistically tellin myself to pursue askin for that LAST chance cuz i wanna prove to myself that i can be a better person - if not THE best...
that the 2years and 3months+ we had together was worthy enough for that LAST chance...
that the change you saw in me, will be enough to say that i STILL AM worth loving.

but adversely...WHO AM I to ask for a last chance? WHO AM I to deserve that LAST chance? during our brabbles you have ALWAYS been telling me that you DESERVE someone better. so i definitely am NOT worth loving...

even if i defend myself saying
"it's not as if i cheated...no THIRD PARTY was involved...i had been faithful and loyal..."
my conscience is telling me that i WASN'T HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY in the end.
and that alone...is more than enough for you to leave me.
and that...I HIGHLY RESPECT.
that's why i didn't dare beg much...and even if i want to, i just don't deserve an effortful, loving person like you - anymore.
MY SORRY IS OTIOSE.
my SORRY will not regress the past.
and even if you accept me again, you won't be as happy as you were before...your level of doubt in me will just increase even more...

but do remember always...the paroles of love that i have conveyed to you - were all genuine.
even at present.
BUT since you called me a liar...[a "good liar" were the exact words you used...] everything i said and i'm saying now will all be just prevarications to you.
even if i say I LOVE MY PARENTS, it'll still be a lie to you.
the words just hit me so hard...that even i, don't trust in myself anymore.
that the words i'm uttering are all lies to my soul.
i have now acquired a self-doubt...just because you regard me as a liar.
that is gonna have a vast encroachment in my life now.
and for that, I THANK YOU.

i actually had a dream last night that you SMSed me. it all seemed so real...that despite dumping me 24hours back, you still greeted me...[this isn't the exact SMS but this was what i recalled...
"happy new year baby. take care. i'll always be here."
*BAAAAM*
another smasher.
i woke up...and being the "late reaction-er" that i am...made me realize that WE're totally gone.
i threw it all away. with just a lie.
i don't incisively know what you meant when you said
"i should have told u earlier that im out of this"
i guess you've been wanting me out of your life way before but because i was being obstinate...you had no choice but to stick with me.

the split weighed me down so much that i only got to sleep at 4am...got up at 7am...finished up my fucking project til 1pm, slept til 3pm and got up with a bad bodyache...forced myself to bath and leave for calauan...my body was gonna collapse for not consuming anything since the last "bloodiness" meal i had. reached calauan, starving but i didn't get to eat cuz i felt like puking it all out...laid down and i just started shivering...ella called and i tried to sound as normal as i could just so i wouldn't worry her...i think it went well...well, i'm not regarded as a "good liar" for nothing right? JB gave me paracetamol to calm me down...pretty much worked...and here i am again...
i hope this gets worse though...cuz it's not like anybody would care if i stay, living in this world...a good liar like me do not deserve to live. i'm just one of those pests that should be rid of.

i hope you won't think too highly of yourself though. you had your own shortcomings that made me neglect you.

12 & 13 december convo we had...

you articulated "im not gonna leave u" for 3 times.

and you did anyway.

ergo, we're both just liars...

you prolly had a HAPPY new year...now that i'm out of your life. something you've always been wanting. one day, we will have a proper closure...slap me in the face if you wish. i will not budge. i deserve every single injurious thing you can think about doing unto me. i don't even mind being killed. as long as you get your justice. i am ready.

mdld...was and is worth loving.

gianelli, thank you for bringing michael that day...the day when it all started.

i will forever cherish everything we had...good or bad.

but then again. i'm just a liar. you will never believe these words.

"the one who'll hurt you the most...is the one whom you/you've love/d the best..."

y r u being the sweetest bestfriend i ever had?

2010-12-20T20:51:00.001+08:00

because you aRe being the most, bestest exceptional-est bestfRiend i neveR had. ;) you aRe love. ella = love.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-12-20T00:22:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/spikopunk

fervour.

2010-12-19T09:09:00.000+08:00

i just can't wait for KELO to come visit!
i'm so excited! i just can't hide it! ;p
i've said what i've been wanting to say to you in all the schmoozes we had...
remember, i meant all the words i said. may they be hurtful or pleasing.
i appreciate all the things you're doin' for us.
THANK YOU, love. it's still a 100% love for me. no deductions.

you've been workin' straight days with little rest...you're gonna need a good massage when you come 'ere. i'm just not good at those though ;( you might opt for a real masseuse ;( but if you opt for me...i'd be honoured? lol. shu'up!
i can't wait for mykeloby to help me with the house chores...i think that's gonna be so much FUN!!! take a load off my ass! like whoooootz! i'm gonna tour him around with ella. hahah! no wait. ella's gonna tour us around...yea! hehe.

i WILL enjoy my holidays. THANK YOU, LORD, for the wonderful gifts i have just received. it's not a bad month after all. ;) you're always unpredictable, God. see, i learned that from You! kelo likes that i am unpredictable! what bout ella? am i unpredictable to you too?! hahahah. well, what can i say God, You're my inspiration...and everyone else's too. heh.

depression verboten, euphoria reinfixed! lovvett.
lemme just get rid of prelims...and all's heaven. ;)
have a blessed sunday morning.

bestfriella

2010-12-18T22:01:00.002+08:00

nice!

so i actually found the itch to write. ;)

i haven't actually found anything fascinating to write about since i got into this new chapter of my life.

the transition into this new chapter all began when i ran out of patience with my Canossian BSCSII classmates who has been demotivating me since first year, first sem. [wait, before i go on, NO, i'm not traducing my fellow Canossians. i'm just layin' out the feelings, thoughts and experiences i had during my stay there]
they've been dependent on others so much so that they refuse to do their responsibilities. they left everything to me: leadership, responsibility as [supposedly] officerS [not just the president], and even the responsibility as a student. they basically just go to school whenever they feel like goin'. i really wouldn't mind if our class was a big one...but imagine from 10 to 11 to 8 to just 6 students? and out of the 6 students last sem, 4 were idle, 1 was like a flickering light, flashing intermittently and there was i, left with all the tasks of a leader, a student, a friend who dragged herself to school despite the demotivation she's been dealing with with the whole school's set-up.

time came i got too sick of the situation and decided to leave. but before i left for a better environment that would suit me, i did all my homeworks and researches for the new chapter of my journey. so right after finals, i started settling everything independently. there were delays that stretched til the last minute of the school's resumption but in the end, i got in ;) .

hah.and throughout the whole transition, all attention was focused on me!
funny how people would start blabbing stupid, bullcrap statements of pleasing you not to leave, saying it'll be a waste and that i will be missed and all the crap when they didn't really give a damn in the mother effin' first place?! tsss. =,=

--
so new chapter started. moved in to my temporary place while waiting for my permanent one. school was enjoyable. i was warmly welcomed at once though i was still pretty lonely at times. but overall, i was basking mannn! tahha. lovvett.

here comes the great part.
it felt like primary school days where you met new wonderful friends who immediately accepted your attitude and behaviour and be so close to each/one another. so to speak, she's someone close to heart from my past life ;) sweet eyy?

remember when i mentioned i lost that trust i used to freely give to people/new friends because of the afflictive experience i went through? and 2 years later i found gaining trust in guys better than gals? so i got another best friend, this time, a male but lost the 'best' in him after he entered National Service. YET found another best male friend later on who is, til now, still being his best for our friendship. neat.

okaye but this is the current highlight of not only the new chapter of my journey...but my journey as a whole in the phils. ~~

1st meeting
i met her when i was on a solo break at the caf. she was with my first year classmates and her other classmates. they saw me eatin' alone and called out my name...i looked, smiled, waved...then went back to my food. seconds later when i was about to have my first spoon, i heard em shouting my name repeatedly...calling me over to join 'em. t'was pretty unforgettable. they made me laugh so much. putting me in the hot seat, shooting all the questions like machine gun! and all i could do was laugh to myself while munching with difficulty! i was gonna choke for trying to speed up the chewing [something i never liked doing =.="] there wasn't much connection with her yet then though.

2nd meeting
was the day i got my school ID and i bumped into her and the others outside the Guidance Office and afterwards accompanied me to eat [for i hadn't taken anything the whole fucking day. =,=] she was the first one to say hi. it was also the same day an event in school happened where we had to be pretty much 'locked up' for the mass before we could go off at 530. i didn't get to join em for the mass and the party though...i hid at the caf along with her other friends who were also pretty funny. heh.

3rd meeting
was probably the day at the caf again where i was with Melane and she and her friends were sitting at the corner of the canteen near the waffle stall. and suddenly i was 'rained' with [her and co's] smses, buggin me and whatnot. lol. i lost so much load =.=" ;p

-- meeting
i don't know what happened at the fourth time and so on...but i do remember the smses i got...the adding at facebook and some chats we had which wasn't as 'cosy' as it got later on BUT i already had that 'comfortable' feeling of calling her 'babe' [like i do with my close galfriends] when she added me at facebook so i already had that comfort even before we got really close. rad!

first chill out
14 dec 2010. met her at amiel's place. was with her throughout the night. ouh and was she hospitable or what?! she 'endured' the whole night being my buddy ;) that's where it all really started. the 'what a night' night drew us nearer...[ehhssia, sound so gay siak...]

- the next day onwards, long chats occured and it went on...it was just so bad yet so good because we couldn't focus much on our school stuff at home cuz we just had to go on and on about whatever sheyyyt we had in mind...i already mentioned to her before how i thought i found a best friend in her but i think today was the day it only got to sink in to her? ahhaah. slow *itch. =.=" and tonight was the first misunderstanding we had. lol.

come to think of it...everything happened so fast. and like i told her...if only we weren't straight...people would think we are lesbo lovers...tahahaha! okaye G-R-O-S-S damn. tsss!
iunno about her but like i feel so engrossed schmoozing with her? like a drug she's too addictive? she's just got this sweet, receptive, genial personality in her...i looooike! she's emmm, so lam-bing? yeah. wicked.
but like everybody else who comes and goes...how long will she be that level of a friend who will stay and have your back? i already reassured her i treasure friends and i will do what it takes to be that friend even when time comes we go our separate paths...

so that pretty much ends my post for now. it's gotten pretty long again...i just really missed writing ;( haven't had this urge to stop whatever i'm doin' to just sit down, shut people out for awhile and write. ouhwell. i just did tahha ;)

be an inspiration, not a
massive destructive-distraction-addiction, ella. ~_="
;p

THE best.

2010-12-10T11:56:00.000+08:00

You came at the right time.
You didn't give up until i was okaye.
You made sure i was okaye before going to sleep.
You would always make sure everything was good in my life. and would make it better if it wasn't.
You would put everything aside to listen to me.
You're still holding on to the promises you gave before you entered NS.
You regretted neglecting me when you had a girlfriend...
How long can you stay like this?
I've had 'best' friends who fell off and went to the other path.
I'm very blessed with a friend like you.
You top them ALL.

THANK YOU.
and
GOD BLESS.

2y 11mths ago...

2010-10-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

19 November 2007
"subtly exposed"

something ive always thought im obliged to share my feelings about years ago never happened and wont ever. since ive blown all my rights to speak out about that matter; which i so firmly opposed to and still do, yet i am forever bounded by and shorn of that right. and i loathe myself for breaking my principle. and i know that even if i express contrition, it would not restore the right i once proudly owned and could shout out to the world. i have become a whited sepulcher to those whom ive concealed the veracity from. and most likely, even if against my will, will i have to uphold it and bring to my grave; with only a couple of hominids being aware of the fact. i am still in uncertainty if they have not leaked out any information about the shared secrecy. for i have sworn to be the soul of your discretion to anybody regardless the acquaintanceship of either parties. my only demand is you do the same.

will edit later...

2010-08-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

Good evenin’ guys.
As of this moment, i had to intermit my review for my 3rd day of Midterms as i felt the itch to write.

I haven’t been able to give my engrossment towards my review...and already i fear i won’t do well this time :(
blame it on the workload they’ve been stuffin’ on us and makin’ us submit before and even on the day of their papers...[forcing us to focus more on the submission of the homeworks than exams...] ouh...and plus the consecutive occasions and activities they hold at the best timing of throwing ‘em near, during and after exam period! sheesh.
& that’s just SOME of my responsibilities in school. i’ll lay the rest out one of these days.
responsibilities off school..., that’s another story =.=”
really, who wouldn’t complain!
Don’t dare opine ‘time management’! Cuz i bet even you won’t be able to totally shut your mouth from ranting later on...

Now i duwanna seem like i’m mocking but...if only they would change the educational system in this school [or country] to what i was accustomed to: alott time for study week, study breaks and whatnot.

Perhaps this comes in the package i chose to take on... ;(

Well, so, yea, fine... I’m not used to overspilling load...
but i have been doin’ my best eversince i dedicated myself to achieving my goal...
i admit it’s pretty tough to adapt to abrupt changes but one thing i know is i’m NOT quitting – spiritually – even if my body and mind [and sometimes] emotions usurp my system most of the time. It is – honestly very fagging tho’! & it’s physically takin’ its toll on me, everybody’s noticing – i am, again getting tinier!

SO i hope i can get a good rest after this whole sheyyyt-ness. I’m sooo gonna plump out on sem break! All I need: loadssa dough... ;P

Speaking of sem break...it’s actually the major major factor to my most recent distraction over my studies...i have been chewing over the new alteration i’m gonna be experiencing...very soon, in God’s will...
I have been planning and, in fact, have already started my agendas for the next chapter of my journey...
Excitement and anxiety amalgamated...

Tho’ i know that everything has their disadvantages...i am...as of now...willing to go thru the change...which i believe is mandatory!

&with this,
mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up...
gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Imissmyhome.

business meeeyyyyyyn

2010-08-17T16:48:00.001+08:00

i'm at a point in my life where i've chosen to really grow and have considered life as a "serious business". &in being earnest means i only want everything in my life to be bona fide, authentic, and veritable; that everything else delusive will be forcedly abolished...

time&emotions are just too precious to be squandered,&most especially - manipulated.

;P

2010-08-12T16:57:00.002+08:00

absence makes the love grow fonder...

but absence also makes us forget...

forget what?

pain? hate?

or love?

sometimes, paranoia makes me think that the impossible is possible IF we CHOOSE to do THE impossible.

but i still have faith in him.

we both know that just one mistake, it ends there.

that any possibilities of turning back and patching up is just against my scruples...

that is why i think...even after this, i'd consider this my pride...for withstanding and maturing this much...

but right now, i'm inlove. and it's just inexplicable.

back to a trash-gurl

2010-08-04T15:18:00.007+08:00

Sir Archie: "the problem is nowadays, guys don't hypothesize anymore...they are more of assurers..."

they just always want it straight to the point...too lazy to use their brains to think or interpret....

hmmm....

well, that aside....

it's just so hard to argue without each other's presence...distance and budget are the damn barriers...

on monday, early at 7 on the way to manila, i told mom about the recent misunderstanding he and i had...and she told me...

"let him be...michael's a good guy...i can feel that he loves you...don't be too strict on him..."

i dig that momz...what i just don't get is...i got restrained and scolded and was changed so much back in SG til now to be a better person...and i changed because it was my choice to...i did it because this guy loves me and wants me to be a good person and most importantly, i have learned to love him.

but how come our behaviours are interchanging now that i'm here in the phils? i'm becoming the him that i met...and he's becomin' the me that he met...i thought we're supposed to be on the neutral?

God knows how much effort i gave in doin' the best that i can to be a better person for him...it was the hardest...and now it just hurts so much.

i don't do break ups through any types of communication other than face to face.
i sense he wanna end this so bad right now...and i really hate the situation of me being far away...if only i was there...he'd probably spitted the words "it's over" on my face by now...perhaps months ago? but i'd prefer that...to a coward way of doin' it through phone/chat/whateder...

perhaps there are ladies happily/excitedly queueing up and waiting for the day he goes "single"...

perhaps i'm just not worth his love...but whateder it is, hang on, and wait for the day we meet. then you can spit those words on my face...this is just as hard for me as it is for you.

i guess i understand now...i'm not worth anyone's love. it would be a miracle if someone picks me up from the dumpsite and would love me "endlessly"................

and with that i conclude...i'm just a no one.

choices

2010-08-03T11:30:00.004+08:00

you taught me how to be a better person...
to be always responsible in whatever i do...

that even if i choose to do something not good for today, i shall never forget my responsibilities tomorrow.

i chose to apply that in my life.

i chose to put my bad side and straighten my life up for those who care

i allowed and trusted you to do something you want because i know you will still be able to carry out your duties the next day...

even if i was against it...i CHOSE to allow you...

because i was letting my excitement [of us hanging out online the next day] overcome me...

damn...

iunno if this really is it...

iunno if i should start believing the words people are saying...

but hell, im choosing to suppress it...

i know that i can't throw away and forget their opinions but i can bury it deep enough to prove them wrong.

i duwanna prove myself right: that guys are all the same cuz i chose to believe that you're different.

i don't know if you're gonna let your ego overpower you again and finally choose to walk out on me...

but whatever decisions that you make, make sure you stand by it...

12/07/10, 1235h

"i really feel sorry for having been a bad boyfriend to you for most of the time, i hate myself. i dont know if i can still be a good Boyfriend to you.. cos nagpa2iral tlga ang EGO ko., but its too much for me to be asking for forgiveness again. but i still wanna ask you to give me a chance to change and be a better BF."

12/07/10, 1259h

"really sorry baby for every bad thing ive done to you.. thank you for giving me another chance. i really love you.. mwah! i miss u! ....... .. how are u baby? bigat pakiramdam ko since kagabi. couldnt sleep, and no mood sa class kanina. but now Im better. ....."

i'm not angry cuz we didn't chat...i'm effed up cuz i got affected by your decision. you chose your happiness and your friends over me. now you're proving me that i'm not that special to you after all. we've talked before about not making me suffer with your decisions...that we'll still have our 'scheduled' chats. and you promised me that.

solitary

2010-08-01T13:19:00.001+08:00

Since i am unable to have a fit of emotions with the only person i always share my thoughts with, the only one i can think of is you.

So here goes...

it has been a very hectic journey since 12 july, when grammz had her 2nd stroke and was rushed to the hospital...just when our fam’s recuperating from the crisis we went through, here comes a bigger blow...in a span of just A YEAR, we paid hospitals a ‘visit’ for 6 times...with a total ZILCH of cipher, it was highly unimaginable that we overcame those obstacles. it is THAT fucking tough not knowing where to run to for help..we were entirely on our own, with immediate relatives offering nada...

ironically, with every tougher setbacks that came, it made me stronger; not much of breakdowns and rants as i used to.

the most recent, the week that grammz got hospitalized, was our exam plus the typhoon period. My younger cousins and i took over aunt’s responsibilities of the house chores; cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, going to hospital plus revising for our papers...then electricity was out cuz of the typhoon...enduring heat and eyeache (use of candle) and sleepless nights just to be able to revise for exam was just gruelling.

at that time i wanted to squall and escape...but i took it as a challenge...grammz was discharged a week after...was a breather but our work just got more...taking care of grammz; changing diapers, feeding every 4hours, cleaning, changing bedsheets/blanket etc., then house chores and studies; this time, a thick-paged(4meetings) report, a one-week project, and many other minor subjects HWs. i was at the verge of sinking...physically, mentally...3hours of sleep out of every 24hours but courage kept me up when mom came. She took over my responsibilities and made me focus on my stuff. Thank you so much momzky.

another responsibility was gonna be thrown at me...to be a candidate of Ms Emerald (for College Day) as representative of my course, Com Sci. For a coupla times, i had been turning down the offer nicely...til on Friday, when i was preinformed by my other lecturers that my adviser had finally decided I run for Com Sci. It was flattering but with the responsibilities im facing now, made me decline the offer defensively this time (stating the reason i came to the Phils: focus on my studies and that’s it, no other activities) as i found they were making it seem like no matter how hard i try to refuse, Sir Arch has made up his mind and i have no choice but to cooperate. it was unfair that he’d accepted others’ refusal and then with no other options, just impose it on me. The paladin that i am, i don’t think they’d be able to ask another time, not even as a favour, but the chance and experience that i’d be missing is quite a waste.

hmm, iunno what i’d do, how i’d cope if mom leaves...i won’t have the option to not help anymore since i don’t have anyone to takeover my duties...i’ve spoken about that to mom and tomorrow when we go to manila and spend the day with her and hopefully with my brother, i’m gonna have the chance to show her my gratitude...i can’t wait to bond with mom. Hehe.

Well, it has been great divulging my current situation to you.

Like i said before, when everyone has walked out, only you and He will be left by my side and i wanna thank you so much for that. Though it’s filtered, i at least have spilled what i think i should release and the rest, He knows...

emotions unburdened

2010-07-23T12:42:00.004+08:00

heyhey...
has long’s it been...yonks!?

tahha.

just too occupied with school stuff and conformation...

well, i missed penning...
but i don’t always wanna harangue whenever i write...
thence, here’s somethin’ composed affirmatively...

despite the tougher-er tribulations my life's been undergoing [for the past few years, particularly at the very present], there are matters that elates me somehow; matters that i’ve been bearing for years...and one of ‘em is the recent past i’ve been havin’ a hard time grappling with.

it just happened with abruptness...
‘t’all started when she added me days back which got me pretty balled over...for it seemed so...surreal?! hahah. I assume she has moved on from her then-thought of ‘irreparable damages’, i don’t know.
well, since day one, i’ve been receptive of us being friends after i receded from a battle i later realized the prize’ll never be a hundred percent mine and that a handshake would be better off...but when i was frozen off, i then just had to let my forbearance arrogate within me [for about 3 years]. And all of a sudden, i feel like she has resuscitated and [even] took the initiative of reachin’ her hand out for a handshake... Well, i don’t really know why she has finally decided to add me?
...3years...but i guess even if it takes longer than that...forgiveness will ultimately transpire...[a mishap for those emergently fetched by the Angel of Death...their loose ends would require overtime [with vigorous effort] in order to complete whatever they left in this dimension...]

since she has already added me, i felt that it would be okaye to elucidate the past altercation, so i made the move of askin’ her to straighten things out. We talked about what i feel we had to blab out...we both roasted at our follies...i asked many questions to which she sagely answered...though i don’t know if she was really prepared and keen for that convo at that time...nonetheless, she and i helped unlade this cloggy feeling [i have endured for years] off my system...and probably hers as well?

one thing i noticed right after our convo, i felt like i love my swain more...[but just fugaciously ;p]
i reckon i’m almost done with my ‘unfinished business’...i just duwanna leave this world having foes...i’d also wanna move on with vitality. But i guess, ‘would’ve been best if we had it done with adjunction...i was always used to face to face talk...and just because we’ve already fixed things up, doesn’t mean we do not have any more of a reason to meet? i mean, it’s still gonna be rad if one would formally meet his ‘cyber[lol] rival’ in reality...

To you, Thank you. ;)

restoration

2010-04-18T21:13:00.002+08:00

Just like a frog prince that kissed the sleeping princess, you revived me.
As I looked at our recent photos…I saw my future…and I want that to come true.
iLoveYou.
Thank you for the comfort and affirmation that you expressed to me. I really don’t know what to do if I lose you. The people around me are getting lesser and lesser…and you’re the last person that will trigger me to do something stupid. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been this way before...far from your loved ones, in an a place you can't really fit in, being flat-out broke...I don’t know if it’s the situation I’m in, being far from home or if it’s just the malady getting worse…Whatever it may be, I just wish…things will get better in my life. I don’t wanna involve you in my situation. I fall a lot of times…and I hope you’ll be there to pick me up.
I want you to be the one.
iNeedYou.

bullet

2010-04-18T01:54:00.001+08:00

Whoa…I’m really crashin’…I’ve lost communication with so many people…and now even the only person I keep in touch with is feeling uneasy with me…it’s okaye guys...keep walkin’ out that door…cuz when the last person leaves and I’m left all alone, there will be no one in the room anymore…I won’t dare stay in that room all by myself. The day it happens…will be the bloodiest day you will remember of me. Thank you all for having been a part of my life even for just a short while. As I said, I am a treasurer…and I’ve been loyal…but I guess it just isn’t enough for y’all. This…is…all coming too soon. I hear a hell-o…I’m sorry if I cannot fulfill my dreams for my family anymore. I’m just too weak to handle this alone. Maybe I’m not someone you can team up with the ‘girl power’ group…like ashes [that I will become] that gets blown into your face, everyone will forget me…

this is the worst part of my life…

crimps

2010-04-17T04:18:00.002+08:00

E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E!!! my desire for e-v-e-n a short hometrip reels back, it always gets disrupted! I’m once again losing hope to even spend some time back ‘ome. It’s so hard to keep my composure when something I’ve been longin’ for gets detered by some effin’ crap. Money is one thing…but the worst factor you’ll get is when your loved one has this enmity against you because you have wronged them and did foolish things sneakily [utter disappointment, I know] during your younger days and probably does not wanna see your fugly face again.

When I came here and I had emotional breakdowns, Mom and Dad promised me that I’ll get to go home on my holidays…that they will make sure I’ll get to be there again. Then things started to get shaky and we experienced some turbulence…we regained control…but not long after, we lost an engine…we were gonna crash…and to speed up that crashing, we lost the other engine. Months later, we recovered again but what’s the use? We’re still gonna crash right? Killing us slowly? Dayyymm.

When I was dispirited twice, I firmly told myself…I’m gonna freakin’ do something about it. I was so determined for that hometrip that I decided not to depend on my folks…that I won’t add to their financial problems anymore…that with the little allowance I get everyday, I’ll make sure I save up for that ticket. I have to come up with roughly $40 monthly til december and another $50 for the next summer hols[march]. When I told Dad my plan, he then explained that I may not be able to go back there because of the foreigners’ rocky stand in SG. But I still insisted and added that one reason of wanting to go back is to terminate my singtel hp line. Senseless, that it will only trigger him to blow up his temper on me, he attested my faults[unspecifically] crisply. Not only did I feel a prick in my heart, but it felt a tight crush to see the upsetting words comin’ from your own Dad. His words weren’t really noxious if other people were to say them…but the fact that it came from my dad…hurts more than anything in my life. For my dad to lose trust on me, is the most awful wound I can ever get.

Imagine me doin’ everything I can to whip up my problem and not be a burden to them…only to swiftly get hindered by those words…and with those, I really felt like he doesn’t ever wanna see me…
I waited for a year…
and then a year plus…
and now…
I have to wait for forever…for that chance…

I used to get p150/day[$5] or sometimes just p500/6days[$16] on which includes my daily fare of p50. But this summer [that started from 12 April 2010] I only get p100/day[$3] with my fare of p60…so my remaining p40[$1.30], I have to save up for my toiletries [shampoo/lotion/etc], school stationery[photocopy notes] and FOOD ALLOWANCE. P40…sigh…
12sachets[10grams/sachet] of shampoo is p48, lotion p70+, photocopy p0.50/sheet, food p20++…how will I be able to save $90/month for december’s and march’s tickets when I can barely survive for my daily needs?

I don’t tell my parents these. I don’t want to. I told myself I can bear this sacrifice. They see my photos on FB and tell me I’m skinny. I know I’m more worthy than other people whose lives are worse than mine. I’m sorry if I’m being and if you think I’m doin’ some stupid self-pity crap here but I’ve been enduring this for months…and my patience has diminished-again. My situation is different from other people so I'd appreciate it if you compare me to someone whose life only resembles mine.

I really don’t know if anyone is aware of my situation. But I feel really alone. EVERYBODY is so caught up with their own future…E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. What do I do now? How can I uphold positivity and focus on my studies when I don’t even get an encouragemet to move forward? Some moral support. Why do I have to always make the freakin’ first move on anybody? a simple sms: ‘hey, how’re ya? You still alive?’ might help a lil if not a lot...

I really don’t look forward to that ‘stupid bullshit’ hometrip anymore. If I’m gonna rot here, so freakin’ be it. I’m just worried that this will affect my relationship[I hope not] with Michael. If my folks and Michael all turn their backs on me…I may as well just be dead. My own Dad doesn’t believe in me anymore because of my past mistakes. I wonder if Mom feels the same way.

It is so hard to put up a face on people that shouldn’t be involved with my own personal issues…tell them you’re fine when you’re really crushing up from deep inside…

then He answered...

2010-02-27T00:02:00.006+08:00

It’s magnificent how He works…
[As I’m typin’ this, I’d like you to know that I realized this only over dinner till now when I was reflecting through everything that’s been happ’nin’…]

Lately, I’ve been doin’ somethin’ I shouldn’t be doin’…questionin’ the Almighty.
Yet, who could blame me? With everythin’ that I’m goin’ through…
Maybe I could still take it if I’m the only one sufferin’…but with my family involved? I think that would be harsh…idk about y'all…but my number one weakness is indubitably my parents.

Why were we clouted with a long-term setback?
Yes, we have been livin’ through the same hitch for a long time but never has it gotten this hostile.
[There could probably even be a shoddier situation after we prevail this…sigh…it just gets tougher and tougher huh? Kinda like a game? Level of difficulty?]
Is this a game?
Could this be karma?
But why us? When there are wicked people who deserve this adversity more than we do?

&with those grills, I’ve been answered unimaginably in weird ways I never envisioned…
When I was younger, I used to watch ‘Touched by an Angel’…
&that’s pretty much how I received my answers…but in a complex way that made me reflect…
[and right now, as I’m typin’ this current sentence…]
I'd like to announce that I am now embracing this whole thing &i am now accepting whatever’s happ’nin’…
I have so-wronged You, O’ Lord and I remember now...

‘Your Will be Done’

Sir Escolano articulated…
God don’t need us...He never did.
Then why made us?
For entertainment? So he could be happy?
Was He happy seein’ His own Son agonize?
He made us so He could share his Love…
When God created this world, it was PERFECT.
But it was s**** that ruined it and created devastation.
lucifer has always envied God…
Sir Es then related that if a person with no arms and legs [like Nick Vujicic(voichich)] can struggle so hard to get back up...why do people like us with complete body parts give up so fast?

God never wanted to test us cuz He only wanna share His Love to us. It was s**** who has been behind our temptations…he has always been the one testing us. Never God.
My next [&YOURS too] question is…IF God was powerful, why couldn’t/can’t he control s**** and end the evilness?
Cuz s****’s always been defiant…if he had triumphed in defying God, what makes you think God can control him?
It’s now WITHIN ourselves to know whom we should obey…part of His creation was to have brains to think...hence we are judicious human beings.

i think......S**** wanted himself to be 'perfect'...so with that, he impaired and added IM to PERFECT…ergo creating imperfection in what used to be perfect...ouhwell...

Thank YOU for the revival...

&to close this in buoyancy, I'd like to greet US a belated HAPPY 17TH MONTHSARY...[26/02/09]

and HAPPY 2-0-th BIRTHDAY to MYKELOBY ;P

lovelovelove.

freakin' life

2010-02-22T03:35:00.002+08:00

I turned in at 2145h and I was awaken from my slumber at around 2330 and since then I was unable to go back to sleep despite my enervation to get up and do something.

Because of my debility, I was forcing myself to sleep again; tossing and turning for an hour and a half but ‘twas inept. And all the while I was awake; thoughts about my problems just hit. From the confusion of why he suddenly got ticked off early this evening to how my life changed drastically to my family’s status quo and how I just wanna surrender and commit suttee…

Flashbacks of how I used to be such a couch potato; updated with all the new shows that I can’t be now, since I got here, just brought me down. Everything has crumbled…if I thought year 2007 was the worst year of my fam’s life then came 2008 and we thought it was worse, 2009 and 2010 is probably the vilest. Sigh. Ne’er has it ever crossed my mind that things will get worse than ever…but I know that when we outlive this current situation, the worse is yet to come…

Since my uncle’s stroke in Mar ’09, he hasn’t gotten a job though he has drilled himself to recuperate. My aunt then has to minimize expenses; no cable TV and lesser groceries hence I don’t get to watch good TV [brain feeder] anymore, I don’t get to eat as much as I used to in my own time [midnight snacks, etc] and I don’t get to do my own things at my own time. It’s all been eliminated and the latter controlled. All I see and hear everywhere is Philippine soap operas; I wake up in the wee hours of the night, pretty hungry, yet no food to eat; and hear their indirect discourses of me wakin’ up late, etc…
If I could only live with my brother or by myself, better, I would.

As for my own family, my dad has been in and out of work but ne’er has he been on the dole for more than a month, specifically 3months! Till now mom’s the only breadwinner [and I salute her strength despite her health]. Mom called hours ago and I told her that if I could only stop studies and work to help them out, I would. And my Mom was quick to respond if I wanted to come back ‘ome…[since I got here, I knew my mom wouldn’t mind me goin’ back ‘ome…] If not for prioritizing education, I know Mom and Dad would want us to go back home already. In a way, I lit up hearin’ mom say “..so you wanna come back here?...” as if she really doesn’t mind me leavin’ my studies just to go back there and be with them. But hey hey!!! reality check!!! we all know it’s impossible. That was the utter downer of it.

Right now, our problem is if we can even go to school tomorrow… or if my mom has the fare to go to work later…or if we’re all still gonna eat later…that’s how FUCKED UP my life is right now! I just feel like my head’s gonna fucking explode with all this fucked up shits that’s been happenin'. I’m sorry if I can’t be in serenity…from months to almost a year I have been suppressing this fuck shit and yesterday it started penetrating to my system that here I am full of problems and adding to that is my fucking sickness. If we’re already having the trouble to find money for us to eat or go to school, I’m hell sure that medication’s undeniably out of the list.

In addition to the problem, he got pissed at me for nothing hours ago and he can’t even promise his visiting me here. Damn, I’ve even lost my hope for him to meet my parents, man. Things are all just getting so torrid I really wanna end my life.

In my thoughts, I blogged before wanting to take my own life. Then I wanted to jump down [but don’t know where since there’s only houses here til I thought of jumping down] from my uncle’s van but LOL, I’ll only end up hurt and still alive not dead. Then I thought of going out and get myself hit by a truck. Then I also thought of stabbing myself in the heart and people would only read my last post here after finding out my passwords to my accounts by hiring a hacker, LOL. But after that thought, I saw a dark place with some redness in it and I opened my eyes and it freaked me out. Killing myself would only further impair our situation [wake&funeral, etc] plus I don’t wanna end up as a ghost lingering about, knowing that something’s missing it’s why I can’t go up to heaven…sheesh. It’s crazy.

But really, I won’t hesitate to top myself if it’s not a sin to. Ouh hey, ain’t it already a sin to even have thoughts about those? Ouhwell. I really am down in the dumps right now…I’m not even hoping for the better…I’m just waiting for everything to get worse and I’ll eventually perish…Yes, I am waiting for my time to end…everything’s just FUCKED UP SICK. &right now, just shut the fuck up cuz nothing anyone can say will perk me up.

Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation

2010-02-20T23:25:00.006+08:00

I have been inundated by questions and statements that Long Distance Relationships most of the time DO NOT work.

On Monday, 15th Feb, we celebrated Valentine’s Day at school.
‘twas just talks and coupla games they organized.
The talks of various topics about Love just totally contradicted my belief and my current situation.
Did it piss me off? Iunno…but it probably made me smirk more with every disparity.

Maybe they just do not know or they haven’t heard other people’s stories it’s why it’s easy for them to say such. I so much wanted to object to the statements they’ve been spittin’ out but I’d rather listen cuz I duwanna create a stir, where the whole College Department would all give me the stare. Lol.
Plus learning from experience where my relationships are very public even here in my blog, it’s time I change my ways and keep it classified.

Furthermore, yesterday, 19th Feb, during my Nat Sci or Physics subject, my course Adviser cum Trigo and Nat Sci Prof, Sir Escolano pointed out that Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation being

F – force of attraction
G – gravitational constant ( G= 6.67 x 10-11 )
m – masses of two objects
r – distance between their centre of masses

have an effect not only with us going bald, skin sagging as time passes but also in relationships. He commenced the topic that LDRs most of the time don’t work out.
He then said that no matter the value for masses, the SHORTER the DISTANCE between two objects, the GREATER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION.
(He proved that with his own relationship with his wife, that even as time passed, and they got physically bigger [heavier mass], they’re still very attracted to each other)
While the FURTHER THE DISTANCE, the LESSER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION. and from there he concluded that AGAIN “LDRs most of the time don’t work out”.

I was very much in a huff and hurt cuz I know he’s so effed-up freakin’ damn-right wrong.
I KNEW from the very start about this possibility that distance causes the fire to go out in a relationship but after my wounding relationship, heck I PRAYED and challenged myself to change. I PRAYED that the next [which is the current] relationship I would have will be my last til the end[marriage]. I may not have succeeded YET [marriage] but I can certainly, absolutely, positively, unquestionably, without doubt, say that I have improved and have grown more matured!

HOW?
I have NEVER in my life endured things. I was always the quitter on any thing i couldn’t put up with, no matter how small the problem or even if I knew it can be resolved. And I NEVER trusted any guys because I believed that they’re all DICKS.
BUT damn man! Here I freakin’ am, doin’ all the sacrifices I never thought I could do; not only for myself and family but for a relationship I’m very much doin’ so hard to stay hopeful for!
My longest yet crappy flippantly relationship was 5months and for a sincere one, 3weeks . But NOW we’re gonna be 1year&5months. My longest ever.
So how is it that the closer the distance is, the stronger the relationship is and the further , the weaker? So MAYBE Science really cannot answer everything? Because Science most of the time don’t involve values and beliefs.

From the talk, I learned that the 3 essences to LOVE is:
a) Respect
b) Patience
c) Trust

It takes two hands to clap.
Respect for each other is requisite. If one doesn’t agree with the other, RESPECT their decision and don’t force 'em.
If you truly love your partner, you will WAIT and you will not just leave it to fate.
If you, in all honesty, love your partner, you will TRUST and not doubt.

He once asked if it’s possible we separate first since we’re far away and if we’re really destined for each other and meet again, we can rekindle what we once had.
I simply opposed...for I knew that if that’s what he believes, then it really wasn’t LOVE after all. That just because you’re away from each other doesn’t mean it’s not gonna freakin’ work out right? If he really loves me he’ll wait for me.
Guys tend to not be a man of his word. He’ll flood your heart with blandishment like “forever” and “no matter what” yet when the challenge comes to separate you both, he eats his words... =,=
Well, here I am doin’ my best to prove to people that distance has nothing to do with the destruction of the relationship.
distance is not a boundary to love unless it's one's choice...
Yes, he admitted to me that his love has declined because he hasn’t seen me in a long time but I kept telling him to just tell me if he cannot bear anymore to end it rather than cheat on me. I’d rather he end it knowing that he has been sincere all the while than staying in a relationship for the sake of “RESERVING me for the FUTURE” yet covertly flirts or do things I can never imagine with another.

Worth fighting for? Maybe?
I HAVE once fought for and did my best to keep that person but he was a weakling and fell for another. I don’t know if I’ll ever do that again. I honestly don’t know. All I know is, when I entered this relationship, I know I got myself someone who will not do something I know others will. If he uses my trust and just make me believe that he will not do those, then I vow to never again fall in love, for this relationship will be my last and I’ll just tell him what I have never believed in [luck]: “good LUCK to karma”.

Infatuation’s just short-lived, why waste time on it?

I’d like to be optimistic ergo I’m holding on to the essences of love.

V'DAY '10

2010-02-15T23:18:00.003+08:00

Hello guys.
Been awhile…
Hmm, so how’d you guys celebrate your Valentine’s Day?
Any Fun?

I remembered my first real-serious Valentine’s Day…
‘real-serious’ because in the past few years it so happened that I was always single during this period, thus it was all just dates…
So my first and real-serious Valentine’s Day was in 2009 with my current beau.
It was really both a memorable and unforgettable Valentine’s.

I wasn’t quite prepared yet for the day because of work and school hence I had not much time.
I decided to just do some last minute thingies on the day itself.
As we weren’t legal with my parents yet at that time, I had to fib that we had an event at school [yea, like so “yeah-right” I know…]
I was so very late for that group date [3 couples] to the point where we had to freakin’ create a scene at Marina Square and I almost wanted to give up [again as I always do]the relationship because of his niggles.
But I kept my composure so tight; overruling my rage at that time, so as to resolve and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, we both would have walked out on each other on that special day bitterly over something small.

Well, if there’s a lesson to learn from that, it’d be the patience and sense of urgency both on our sides, tranquility to work things out, reflection on the foundation of the relationship you have built [whether or not you just wanna waste your investment], and most importantly putting God in and in between your relationship. Omitting rage and ego as well.

This year, we celebrated Valentine’s Day away from each other aaaand most probably for the next 3 to 4 years...
Not used to it but a phone call’s better than nothing.
And I appreciate it baby ; )

spread the love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

thinkin of a title

2010-01-19T10:40:00.000+08:00

Heyya.
……
…
..
Sigh.

I haven’t been gettin’ the spur to pen down my thoughts since I got here. Hence the barrenness of this blog :(
The posts I had were mainly superfluously rants and raves.
And how grating it is that I have so much in mind whenever I am planning to post something on a red-letter day.
Then on that occasion itself, I lose the stimulation.
[or maybe I have ne’er really written anything worthwhile?]
:’(

Aaanyw-hatever…what’s a good way to start your morning to do your assignments with the undesirable setting you’re at [shared-room-with-relatives-comin’-in-and-out -from-time-to-time & the earsplitting-noises-of-neighbours’-karaoke-ings] ?

Have your own world!
Requirements:
- “in-ear” earphones [good for blockin’ external noises]
- music/radio

Though… music kinda bores me and doesn’t really help focus.
Radio would be better.
Y’know…how you just need to absorb some infos DJs share on air before reluctantly starting your work? And a good icebreaker in the Mawnin [when you’re all still yawnin’ and stretchin’ not-ready-to-do-your-work]…is hearin’ some out-of-this-world topics.
It’s pretty cool in herre somehow that DJs do talk about sex. Hahaha. Like y’know, how females fa…n-nevermind. We’ll get to talk about this when we meet, definitely! ;P hahahaha!!!

Another topic I just heard this Mawnin’ was about destroying the toilet by your ablutions! And that even DJs[male] do the haphazard: defecate-and-run in the public; be it hotel or malls!
One caller had a 300lb friend ripped the washroom! They were talkin’ about how amazing HEAVY people usually get when they need to excrete. Hahaha.
So this guy and his friends were gonna chill at this BIG guy’s crib when BIG guy felt the urge to expel. They reached his BIG house finally and his friends had to clear the way for BIG guy to enter the house and dash to the lavatory. But before he even got to fully pull down his pants in just a matter of a second, he jetted the THREE WALLS of the toilet with his poop! Wooooh! How Fun! Hehe. And how true it is when our thingies have this 6th sense of opening their doors to flush out our solid/liquid wastes when the washroom’s near. They somehow have this sense that “ouh…I can feel it…the toilet’s near! I’m expelliiing!” hahaha.
Creases me up hearin’ sordid stuff on air. Teehee.

Haaaaaaaah…..and there! With all that, I’ve not finished my work! ;P

Hmmm, ouh great! I’ve posted some crappy shit again! Hahaha! There’s deficiency in my post though…
Okaye!!! I declare!
I’m just not a good writer in the way I wanna be ;’(
But I did get to share my heart and mind out ;) and ‘t matters, ya suckazzz…. ;P [pbbbbbt!!!]

Over ‘n out!

DJs at the Sinulog Festival with full of Korean tourists.
*DJ waves at the Korean* and vice versa.
Female DJ: teach me Korean! teach me Korean!
Male Korean: *excited and smiles*okaye, okaye.
Korean: cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
DJ: cha-gi-yah!....cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!
DJ: *nods and beams* cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!

Female DJ later finds out cha-gi-yah[idk the correct spelling] means ‘let’s get married’. It’s kinda foolish for her to be nodding at the Korean while repeating his words… ;P

s-tuck-mmer

2009-11-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

………………………

…………

……………………………

……………

………………bein’ castigated……?

i came back here knowin’ i had to sacrifice the life i used to live; leave the people i love, grew up with, and growin’ up with……

puttin’ those aside and letting optimism take over…
tellin’ myself that i’ll spend the summer back home every year…

i had so much hope and expectation that there is certainty it’ll happen…

until he had to smash the only fucking thing i have; the elation that i’ve been holding on to…
all was set and has been prepared for…
but he had to cut it off…

the moment i read the very disheartening response from our supposedly happy convo…
my chest tightened and tears didn’t just rolled down…i burst out crying…

do you know the feelin’ of goin’ to school, wonderin’ who really cares for you? who would chat you up, and would wanna go home with you because they wanna be your friend?
the feeling of them not talkin’ to you unless you talk to them?
and how much you would wanna go home just to live through the good times you had just for awhile?

and now that it’s not gonna happen…i don’t fucking see the fucking reason for
staying opti-fucking-mistic!
it’s all just pretense. i never gained anything from being optimistic…

i don’t have anyone here to open up to. everyone needs a friend to open up to and
i just need one…here.
the only people that care about me are not with me. who else can i run to when i need someone to talk to in person?

lonesomeness in this place has gotten me hospitalized and fallen sick many times.
i’m sorry i’m emotionally weak.

i just don’t wanna spend the summer being stuck here.
i’ve waited for a miracle to happen for years…nothin’s happened.

i don’t wanna hope and expect anymore. i’ve had it.

it’s all just crap.

but thank you baby and babe…i’d be thankful if you guys are right…

rant #456234132409654534

2009-11-24T23:32:00.006+08:00

doooo!!!-de!!!
how the fuck are you guys?!
i fuckin' missed ya'll!
lol.

hmm, 2nd semester and it's already gettin' tough.
school's gettin' more and more demanding!
sigh.
imagine quizzes after quizzes e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!
sick in the head!
gotta know [but in many cases (especially mine), MEMORIZE] lotssa sheyts for quizzes.
[fyi, quizzes by the way contributes alot to the final gradings]

even if my sched's not so loaded at school [in accordance with my timetable below], i still barely find time for myself cuz i got responsibilities here at home as well!
how sick is that?

if i'm at HOME, mom wouldn't mind the mess she finds when she arrives home from work when she knows how fuckin' engaged i am at school stuff.
*sigh*
sacrifices sacrifices.

iiiiii knoooowwww...
all i ever do is rant whenever i blog! but what to do sia.
when i'm all jolly, i'm either not inspired to write or simply can't squeeze writing in my uneventful hectic life!
that! is! outrageously! ludicrous!

:'(
i just wanna be close to you...*singin'* [more like goin' crazy]

ouh help me Lord Jesus...
strengthen my frail heart...and mind? and definitely body...
that i may overcome these crapness i'm dealin' with...
thank you.
amen.

HOLLA to my chums back 'ome.
i yearn for every single soul and i wish to MEET you guys when i come VISIT.
remember to treasure your nearest and dearest...
make time for meet-ups and don't just meet for occasions like when they're dead and you attend their wake. JEEZ!

and to wrap this up,

i love you.

PS. new layout soon when i find time ;)

carry on

2009-11-10T16:32:00.003+08:00

boo!!!
i miss bloggggy.
heehee.
end of semestral break.
beginnin' of 2nd semster....
3.5 years to go or 7 semesters to go!
*phew*...
long way to go? this is the time i want time to fly faster...

pictures pictures are posted on facebook...
ejoy your life guys! take care.

never been this sick.

2009-11-07T01:23:00.005+08:00

hello guys!
heehee.
i miss u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u!
lol.

hmm...by the way, it's been a month or so that i found out about my sickness...
it's...hyperthyroidism.

i just pray i will get well. along with the others who are sick.
just have FAITH in God...He will take care of us. Things don't just happen for no reason ;)
pray not only for youselves. but LET US PRAY for all of us.
trust.believe.
have faith.

AMEN.

~~~
sem break's ending :(
mon and tue enrollment
wed onwards...fucked up school...SHEEESH!
i want longer break!!!
teehee.

jahkidden'

okaye...'yam OUT.

quick updates!

2009-11-04T16:54:00.005+08:00

boo!
i miss you blog!
been motherfuckin' busy like fuck.
loadssa things've happened.

school has been fuckingly traumatic.
hmm, im still determined to get this fuck shit over with and go back home.
i wanna see you guys badly.
i hope my schedule will allow me to meet those who 'craves' for me.

so what's been up with me since my last post?
hmm, michael and i are finally legal through my folks and my relatives!
how fun izzat?
they say he's cute and handsome and all.
hah.
ouhwell.
of course i feel lighter and ecstatic to hear they support me and all.
i mean...
more freedom...unlike befo' when i had to fucking hide things from 'em...it's fucking tough.
but now i can move about freely...

mom visited bro and i from 22 oct to 3 nov. i had fun. i miss mom. her tender lovin' care. i miss them badly... :(
treasure your loved ones guys...it's hard to be away from em.

ouhwell.
friends...
i've made amigos and amigas here.
but...
sometimes it's tough to understand em cuzza the language barrier? my being an amateur in Filipino language?
ouhwell.

here's an example:
we were at some place in school just beside the Dean's office. we com sci students were chillin' with the EEd students when adet whispered somethin' to me...

adet: joanne, do you know anyone with the surname of "hindutan"?
me: ???
it sounded like a malay word and i was curious...so being the normal joanne...i asked loudly.
me: HEY! WHAT DOES HINDUTAN MEAN?!...
everyone laughed and adet stroked me! and i was like what the ffff...why were they laughin at me?! i asked them one by one but they just kept laughin' at me. so i asked again and again until i got the answer...only to find out it meant "sexual intercourse"...lol.
i thought it was just a normal wholesome word. there they made fun of me. lol. luckily the dean wasn't there.

rapper...

2009-08-29T20:00:00.004+08:00

Hello guys…how’s everyone? Hehe… I hope you guys are okaye…
Well as I write this out from a piecca paper, I’m here alone in the kitchen since 7...it’s already 8 and everyone’s been in the livin’ room right after dinner watchin’ TV.

Hmmm, I don’t know how you’d feel...being in a place you thought you’d feel welcome…
I remember when I was still in SG…& every time mom would call here, my cousins here were always eager to talk to me & would always say,

“Hey, when are you comin’ back here?”
“Why don’t you just study here?”
“Come back here already! You study here and we’ll take care of you…”

& now that I’m here… I hear bangin’ of things, complaints of…
I guess me bein’ an…extra…burden?
& most of all, bein’ used as a comparison…&regarding me as an “ibang tao” (OTHER people)…
Here’s one:

“Gramms, why is it that I’ve never heard you stop me from doin’ things or chores? I’ve been washing and doin’ chores the whole day & now I’m still washin’ the dishes…yet you don’t even stop me…,unlike OTHER people there, always so concerned with...always askin' me to help out whenever she does things.”

Cuz here’s the thing, whenever Gramms sees me, she’d always get concerned & would say,

“have you eaten? Go & eat...”
“rest your eyes”
“Hoi, help out here, Joanne’s alone washin’ the dishes…”

& she would always offer me food…if I say “I don’t want”, she’d still put the food beside me…

My cousins get jealous…I dig that…even my aunt...she regards me as “favourite grandchild from the favourite child (MOM)” (she's jealous with mom)
On the whole, we’re Gramms favourite…she adores my DAD, MOM, bro and I.
I feel flattered…but I guess in their freakin corrupted minds, it’s hard to accept & it hurts them cuz they’ve been livin’ with Gramms ever since…took care of her & stuff yet she favours us more…
& with that, I’m adjudged “OTHER people” by the cousin who was the one who kept wanting me to come back here…SIGH…

It’s no wonder why DAD decided to settle down somewhere FAR from family to avert disputes…

I had a recent (last thursday or friday) serious squabble with a cousin who once went to SG on 2007…I NEVER expected to ruin a relationship with anyone here…but ouh well…
I will never let my guard down & give in to anyone whom I think abuses their authority…this elder cousin thinks she’s older than me therefore I won’t fight back..but too bad…I’m not stupid to just keep quiet…I fought back for my rights.
My aunt, unc, cousins, Gramms witnessed the “RAP BATTLE” with the tone & rhythm gone?, even the elders couldn’t stop us…
& there...all-is-ruined…so yeah…
frankly, they already ruined my trust when they told my secrets to MOM when i went back here for vacation...i gave them a chance and treated them like nothin' happened until this...

Ergo, that’s my current life…
FUN ey???
I know my limits…I STILL respect…unlike such people who only depended on aunt & mom to finish education…yet developed such a fucking high-handed attitude, it’s really fucked up.

imprisoned in dungeon....

2009-08-15T21:35:00.002+08:00

Hey Blo!

How’ve you been?!
it’s been like…FOREVER!
I missed writing…
with truckloadssa experiences or stories to share…iunno where to start…

Well, first and foremost…
I MISS my LIFE in SINGAPORE…
“One’ll never really appreciate or see the importance of the life he’s living until he loses it”
it’s so hard to let go…so tough to move on…
iunno…I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded with my own relatives. It’s just so different..well here I go again ranting…but where else can I emancipate the heavy emotions I’m carryin? Sometimes I just cry it out but I don’t find it enough. I thought I’d find someone whom I can release it to…
but…
lately I realized that it doesn’t all the time work? That people also have a capacity of enduring your rants? That they don’t always listen anymore?

Eventually, we are on our own…you know that I’ve felt this way before…
[when someone finds a confidant who will not only be there for you but also listen to you and suddenly loses interest…leaving you alone…then you find someone new and you thought they’re the one you’re lookin for?]
I didn’t realize that there really is a LIMIT to everything…people get tired of things; we get tired of people as well…

What about you computer? Do you also have a limitation on ‘listening’ to people’s rant? Do you just shut down on them when you ‘feel’ or ‘think’ it’s just another outburst…or prevent them from typing their kvetches? I suppose not cuz you have no feelings nor IQ…you’re simply an Artificial Intelligence where we users output certain things; even our deluges to you…

I force myself to be happy just to survive my 24hours and I do it 24/7…
I’m fucked up because everything that I do here has a limit. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I try to find peace but there’s always ‘war’…it’s just freakin inevitable ..i don’t connect with the people I ~~live~~ stay with. SICK. I hope tomorrow’s 2014…so I could depart the place I’m at. I thought I’ve escaped the prison…but THIS is THE prison…not the one I thought I was in…

I kept laughing it out, tellin myself it’ll be okaye…that I’ll be fine…
but there I go…foolin’ myself over and over…

All the best, Joanne. May you survive the obstacles and make it out of prison 5years later in ‘one piece’. God Bless and may your mind be in peace…YEAH YEAH…*rolls eyes*

pandemic

2009-07-12T15:29:00.003+08:00

Hey guys!!!
How’re things goin’?
So many things’ve happened…

~~~~~~~~~
on Monday, I was on the way to school…and I was smsing…
suddenly my friend smsed…[convo translated to singlish]

Cez: “hey kak, if got no school, we go out kaye?”
Me: “yea, sure sure…but when the next holiday come sia…school just start and the next holiday is on October…”
Cez: “yea…but today can go what…today no school…”

And I was 0,0???…
well at first I kept wishin’ that classes will be cancelled or there’ll be no classes the next day but duhhh… impossible…
when I received the message I wanted to turn back and go home but since I was skeptical, I wanted to find out for myself.
outside the school I saw my batchmates chillin’ at the ‘karendirya’? talkin’ about the rumored rumor…
the guard confirmed that there’s still classes for College students…GEEZ.
so went for first and second class then a general assembly…
Supposedly school will resume this coming Monday but the next day, I received a message from a batchmate that read:

“FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL CANOSSIANS: DOH is not alowing us to suspend clases 4 only 5 days so college will resume classes on july 16 pls pass ths mssg…”

The message is also incredulous…and until now, I don’t have affirmation whether or not it’s true. But ouh well!!! guess there really ain’t any…heehee.
by the way, the reason's there's 2 cases of H1N1 in Canossa High School

~~~~~~~~~
I’ve applied for my own internet on Wednesday by the way…
just waiting for them to call back for us to pick up the modem, etc.

~~~~~~~~~
Hmmm, on the HEAVIER side, my gramms haven’t been recovering from the sickness she got from Couz Rich who went to Manila weeks ago…her fever’s been on and off and on again until last night, we really had to send her to the hospital.
We’ve been wanting to send her but aunt have no money already…
uncle Boy worked in Singapore before then to other countries and lately in Brunei…his family resides in the US and they’ve really a stable life until both his folks passed away few years ago then followed by this year, unc was stroked at work in Brunei on March…and had to come back here
so imagine, until now, they’ve no income. their kids are currently depending on our parents and unc’s siblings for our living :(
and gramms NEVER usually complain any pain she feels even if she looked ever so sick already until last few days ago…
And since I got here, we’ve been ‘visiting’ the hospital often.
MAY= jean and I
JUNE= unc Boy
JULY= gramms
SIGH.
I just PRAY she gets well very soon. It’s really not the time because He knows I still have that dream for our family with gramms…

~~~~~~~~~
LASTLY, do you believe people change? People forgive? I may not forget the past. The pain I went through.
And it took me more than a year to get over…and when you’re in the healing process you can’t control havin’ anger or hold grudges over someone who wronged you…
But because I’m PURELY healed, I now do not hold any grudges on the past, and that means all the things I execrate is all GONE and dispose of.
It was just a small gesture of forgiveness and that’s through accepting the friend request. It doesn’t mean anything else. YES, I’ve said and done things BEFORE but I was in rage…
now that I’m in peace with you[Kelo] I don’t see how accepting a request can make me dubious.
If you’re really a good person, you will forgive people who wronged you or your loved one but that doesn’t mean you can be fooled by them again.
RUMINATE on your own attitude and personality.
If you wanna doubt on me, go ‘head. I won’t say anymore. I won’t defend myself. But do know that GOD knows the truth and I shouldn’t worry on what you will say ABOUT me.
May takot ako sa Diyos and because I’ve changed for the better, I sure do know how it feels like to be bad and the karma it repays. Kaya reflect on what you’re thinkin’ about me.

look-alikes.

2009-07-05T16:05:00.005+08:00

Gu’afnoon peeps!
How’s life been?
School’s been a…mediocre…
That’s my latest timetable.
It may seem a cool timing but it’s really strenuous.
I MUST wake up at 8 for breakfast and you can sleep again if you want but it’s so hard to sleep already cuz of the noise…sheesh.
I can barely sleep at gramm’s cuz there are only two rooms, and there are 8 of us staying there. Gramm-gramm and couz Rich sleep at one room while aunt, uncle and couz jake sleep at the other, couz JB, Jean and I sleep in the living room. They wake up at 5 so you can imagine how hard it is to sleep. Sigh. so this week, I slept here at the other house, where I can sleep in the Master’s bedroom and no one bugs me.

It’s so wearing when you go home at 7, [I walk from school to jeep terminal of Sta Cruz; equivalent to walking from home to maybe BPP? Or BP LRT] and having to wake up a lil earlier the next day to study for quizzes; which we have every after lesson. On our vacant times, we stay at school and laze around… [I miss lazing around with ITE peeps sleeping at the foyer/café/canteen/Vivo] I guess every move I make here makes me compare with what I used to do in SG…can’t be helped.
And people-watch!!!
Something I love doin’…which by the way leads me to identifying certain classmates/schoolmates havin’ look-alikes of someone I know in SG!

Mark A. [Izzdin]
Lou [Perdana although Lou’s an exact opposite of Perd]
Vice [Shahir]
Raymond [Kiki]
Angelika [Ciej]
Eleine [Sabby+Yunis]
Shayne [Sanny]
Nycka[Aada]

I think got a few more I just can’t recall. Hehe. Kinda weird but funny. Ouh well.

So can I cope with studies? I don’t know.
You go home at 7, reach home at 8…
dinner, read/watch tv while resting my body before showering,
sleep at 11 then wake up at 7 or 8 for breakfast, bath, study before going school…quiz…zzz…hai….

I joined Dance Club by the way… hahaha. Wanted to switch to Band Club but…lazy sia. Ouh! I didn’t go for practice on Friday sia. The thing is…on Thursday during our meeting, she specifically categorized us [new members] as Dance Club and the old ‘uns as Dance Company. SHEESH! The teacher so strict summor about attendance. Like *toot*. But ouh well, who the fuck cares.

I already have a BFF teacher…hahaha. Diaz. She’s my Management and Math teacher. She’s a dumb dumb. She talks so much but she’s got no brains. There’s so many incidents that’s happened. Thing’s she’s in the wrong, a student/the students correct her, she gets embarrasses, scolds us ~;~…how unreasonable can she get?! Geez. IDIOT.

Anyway, I miss you guys. ;-) muah!

*Tag me guys…at least just tell me what you guys are doin’…study/work/NS/etc k?! muah! Love you!*

first day at college

2009-06-15T22:08:00.002+08:00

Blog!!! I’ve missed you! How’s everyone been?
Today’s my FIRST day at school! LOL!
Lots to say.
Lots.
Hmmm, my cousins were all teasing me about commuting and makin’ friends…

Aunt was supposed to send me to school but her migraine shot her so she told my cousin to send me instead.
They’re only gonna send me this once :(
‘s so hard cuz I look left and right and they all seem same to me…so I dunno where to go down :( Ouh well. i gotta learn…
I made a few friends; Hannah, Bernadette, Elaine and there’re only 10 of us in our course but we mix with other courses depending on our subs.

The school and classrooms are like the old DLSS or old CDSS but with doors…lol.
And the teachers were kinda flaunting the newly built-in aircons and projectors. Teehee.
Ouh well. first day…introduction.
Homework for Principles Of Management: ten definitions of Management.

Geez. Then another couz[who schooled and is now a grade school teacher there] was supposed to bring me to where I’m supposed to board the jeep on the way home but ‘twas hard to contact her so her sis who sent me to school was effed up and kept contacting her. Sigh. I felt like I’m such a burden to people and cousins :( always have to run for help goin' here or there.
ouh well.
so much for sayin' "lots to say. lots"
wateder!

mainly, i wanna ~~shout~~scream-out

HELLO SINGAPORE!!!!!!!
i terribadesperately MISS YOU and every single soul i know in you[sg] ;)
now i finally know the feeling of being away from HOME.
ouh well, i gotta make something out of where i'm at...so when i go back home, i'll have some worth in me.

tata guys!

grad!

2009-05-14T02:14:00.004+08:00

*ENROLLED*
I’ve gotten my schedule! It's messy so I had to do my own! Heehee!
Imma be schoolin’ at Canossa College, takin’ up Computer Science.
JUNE 8!

Hello guys.
How’re things goin’?
Here I am…driven to pen down my thoughts…[well, not literally pen down] at this time while everyone’s asleep. [they sleep early here by the way]

Anyway…I just read Sabby’s blog…along with ‘Breakeven’ song…[the rhythm’s somewhat inspiring]
And I came across the phrase ‘Graduation ceremony’ and….
WOW
Really. It just brought me back to the good ol’ days.

Well, just years ago, we were caught up thinkin’ about what to wear for our Secondary School’s Grad Night around this month or earlier? that we even lost focus for our Mid Year Exam and Prelims and even O’s…
Secondary School days really are just too memorable for me to forget…those were just the happiest, wackiest, craziest, most emotional days I had…I just miss every single person I knew [even those I wasn’t close at all with or hated to the max]…
Juniors, wannabes, geeks, fights, every corner of the school, strolling out of school to the bus stop under the hot bloody sun along the church and private houses.
Our table at the canteen…and around the school where we hang…
Lovely days.
We’ve grown so much…

And two years later, we’re done again from ITE…
Today’s the ITE Graduation that I unfortunately cannot be present for.
I will miss the little reunion with my classmates and schoolmates…
But I’m very happy we’ve all graduated…
Now we’re all busy with our own stuffs again. We will forever be busy. =.=
I still wonder how is everybody doin’…
Shoutout to all of yall. I miss you guys…terribly.

I miss the simple hangouts we had…I miss every hangouts we had.
I miss Esplanade, Vivo City, Long John Silver’s, TCC, the bus, everything uh…walao...even the Garbage truck to be honest…OMG. Yes. Even the Garbage truck…*shrugs* ouh well.

Anyway...yeah…we are all growing up more maturedly, laying out all of our goals and dreams and thoughts in life etc…
I wouldn’t be surprise what kinda topics we’d be havin’ for our 2016 Reunion…

We’re just so grown that sometimes it saddens me more than it pleases me.
You know the thought of working hard for your folks and make ‘em proud and at the same time fulfill your dreams of havin’ your own things…?
But pensively, as we reach for our goals and dreams, the pain that my parents’ feel physically brings me down. I just cannot bear the sight of my parents growing old and moving defenselessly…
Sigh.

Back to the Graduation Ceremony topic…
I’m happy for us all.
Guys!!! Share PHOTOS okaye?! I want PHOTOS of you guys!!!
:D

Why to My decision.

2009-05-10T16:25:00.002+08:00

Yeah. Many people had been askin’ about…why PHILIPPINES?
- Want to study overseas can uh…but why PHILS…?
- The opportunity at SG is better than in the Phils…why go back?
- Of all countries, why Phils?

And somehow it pissed me off…it can be insulting, y’know.
But if you were in my situation…you’d have no other choices either.

~~Plan A: Poly~~
~~Plan B: Private Diploma~~
Plan C: Phils
~~Plan Z: Overseas~~

First of all, with my parents uber so strict, could you ever imagine them allowing us to study some place else without a relative to look after us?
So ~~Plan Z~~ is definitely out. =_=”
Secondly, my decision to go back; whether or not I progress to Poly, was already certain because completing my studies in SG [Diploma AND THEN Degree =,=] is just too long for me personally… and yes I admit, it’s my fault I’ve wasted too much of my precious time back in Sec school…so ~~Plan A~~’s gone.
~~Plan B~~’s also unacceptable because the chances of getting a job with a Private Dip is low…and since my bro’s gone through it [taken Private Dip but didn’t finish], what makes you think my folks would let me take Private Dip?
So I’m left with Plan C.

But if I were to choose for myself; without my folks’ impediment…my plan would be to study somewhere else alone - without any relative watching over me…kinda like sovereignty…but that would be a cul-de-sac situation…perhaps only for now. And I think as a parent, I wouldn’t really allow my child to study somewhere without the supervision of someone I know or is close to the family…with freedom encompassing my child, I doubt he’ll finish his education…but I know that when I’ve graduated and have my own Degree, my folks would let me off…like y’know, work or study somewhere.

I have somewhat understood their plan for us. They won’t let us off until we’ve finish our education…like with at least a Degree-kinda-education.

Y’know I had to consider so many things while planning and making a decision…and besides family…in comes BF, friends and things and places you love that you’ll havta leave temporarily
But since this is for my future and my family, I had to strike the rest out…family always comes in 2nd to God…and so I had to consider…that if I wanna finish this sheyt fast, I gotta go to a place my parents wouldn’t say no to; the Phils.
But frankly, even they, were against my suggestion of finishing my studies here in the Phils initially. but after a deep reflection of all the ‘foolishness’ we had done there [time wastage]…Dad had to finally coincide.

Yea, I know…everybody else even my relatives here were stupefied when silence were broken unto them. But hey…like I said, I’ve taken things into an uber deep consideration and the only possible thing that can happen is be here.

Regret? I wouldn’t really say that. More of despondency because I have to sacrifice so many people, so many things; basically my life in SG just to pick my ass up and go to the right direction without anymore distractions.

Honestly, I still don’t know how everything will be like cuz school hasn’t started. But the month-plus that I’ve been here has served and still is serving as the icebreaker to me of people’s lifestyle here. I don’t know what lies ahead [school-wise]…will I have friends? Will they help me? Will I do well this time? Will I go crazy with the kinda study here…yea. Those kinda things.
Hmmm…gimmick-wise, shouldn’t be a problem because:
1] I only want to have a home-school-home life here during school periods and only go out with relatives when there’s no school.
2] I’m planning to save my allowance for my parents’ gift next year! Meaning: instead of eating out during breaks, I’ll have food from home ‘da bao?’
3] This is a province, so I don’t really have any places to go and commuting here freaks me out.
4] I’m thrifty! I’d always think twice about spending even a cent on something; especially now that I’m saving up for my folks’ gift.

Lastly, “why didn’t tell me earlier?”
I only made the decision 3weeks before I left…why didn’t I say it earlier? Cuz I wanted to have a meet-up not for my sake of me leaving but for the sake of everyone missing one another. We have been planning for ouh-so-long about a gathering…everyone would agree at first and then kept saying ‘NO TIME’ in the end…
I remember a friend told me off...cuz I was known for being a ditch-queen and saying ‘no time’ all the time…to ‘MAKE TIME’…that really woke me up and since then I have been making time for people who wants to meet me because I didn’t wanna have regrets of losing them without giving them the time they asked for.
And I grew tired of ‘planning’ for gatherings that people would confirm and eventually only ditch that I decided…I’ll just invite everyone…and whoever can or wants to come come…if not, I don’t give no sheyt. ;-)

Ergo…tadda! I’ve straightened things out…I’ve laid everything out…
I’ve made mistakes and learned so many lessons I don’t wanna repeat…reason for my self-decree…

And with another long post…it’s time for my COFFEE ;-)
Cya!!! And HI TO SINGAPORE. I miss you and everyone I know in you. Teehee.

here i am

2009-04-25T17:56:00.003+08:00

Joanne
139 Brgy Purok 1
Lamot 2 Subd. Calauan, Laguna
Philippines 4012

Hey guys.
I miss Singapore
I really miss HOME.
Dammit!!! I just wanna go home!!!
It’s so fucking hard to communicate with my loved ones there…

As I was telling whoevers...
Ever since I made a decision, I didn’t feel the sadness and the thought of me leavin’…
Until Sunday night; when I was packin’ my stuff…
It got worse when I was makin’ sulat para sa baby koh.
It was so bad that I wanted to back out that night…
And I HONESTLY still do! I wanna back out of my own plan/decision and go home…
I was gonna cry in the cab but I couldn’t…
I was quiet all the way…
all the way… 

AT THE AIRPORT…
I saw you both and I really couldn’t look long at yall…
I wanted to see you agad so bad, baboy.
If only I had an open relationship…d q na kelangan ipigil mahawakan kamay mo baby.
I wouldn’t have to look here and there all the time as if someone is spyin’ on me…
I couldn’t say much to any of yall because I didn’t wanna cry…but the tears just rolled down my cheeks…
And the tears that I saw in you…na imagine ko na asa kwarto tayo at nag uusap lan ng walang ibang tao and just comforting you…
Kiki, I really thank you so much for everything. For even taking the effort to come down to see me off.
Sabby and Deedee, thank you so much for the BIG gift!!! I came earlier than you guys man!!! Latecomers!!! ;P
I just wanted to lay everything out…from the very beginning I met ALL of you guys; but the time just wouldn’t allow and the tears...
You guys may be thinkin’ I shouldn’t be saying that cuz it’s not as if I’m gonna leave for good.
But I guess the long time that I’ll be gone…so many things can happen and I just wanted to say things before it’s too late.
Ouh well…

Aaanyway, when I went inside, there was this guy who was carrying a ‘hotdog-stufftoy’ behind me made friends with me…then all along I thought he was just a stranger…
Until he was making kwento and mentioned that his tita’s hubby was a Nigerian who just passed away…
I made guesses that could match the person he was talkin’ about…and yeah! Turned out to be my ninang’s neighbor pala. Heehee. Really small world.
Then inside the plane, there was this lady who sat on my supposedly-seat; window seat and I was like,
‘hey ;)… you’re emm…sitting there’ and she looked kinda blur? Then I said ‘ouh nevermind…’
Then she saw my ticket seat number and she went ‘ouh you’re supposed to sit here?…’ and I said ‘nah, it’s okaye.’ Then she thanked me.
We took off around 1105h… and the moment the plane sped off for about 3seconds as I was lookin’ outta the window as it lifted off, i found myself suddenly in tears. For five minutes, I wept like a baby who just wanted to stop the bloody plane which I felt I’m being forced to take.
And how dreadful the feeling was…upon realizing that I MADE THE DUMBEST MISTAKE of leavin’ so many people I love and things and…basically life behind! Most especially, the person that I’ve known for 9months and I grew up with, loving for six months plus now ;[

I felt like I wanted to jump down the plane or do something to the plane to make it stop and run back to you. ;(
I just calmed myself down and I tried not to think too much about leavin’ you guys…
That it’s only four ‘short’ years…
I cried on my first night especially when mom and dad called…
Dad and I talked and we’re finally okaye…dad didn’t send me to the airport because we had a rift…I whimpered because I miss dad so much…I saw my cousins playing with their mom and dad and it cheesed me off…
I was so fucked up I just wanted to run away…wouldn’t make any difference cuz the environment’s still here.

You know the feeling of being in a different place faraway from yours and somehow you’re lookin’ for someone who is familiar to you; language…SIGH.

I sincerely wish I get a school and finish earlier than 4 years…please pray for me.

By the way, the above address I’m stayin’ at now…my gramm’s place.
Internet here isn’t like internet back home where you can use it for as much as you like…
This is the first time I’m using internet since I left…
And I cannot chat much because I’m using my cousin’s internet = electricity = money = I don’t have!
I only brought home $83 = P2500 so I cannot SPEND at all cuz I must only spend it for my entrance exams [inclusive of travel fare with whomever is with me…means I’m paying for my cousin’s fare who accompanies me to go around lookin’ for schools…]

Sigh-ers. ;[
Anyways, hi to all my beloved friends and familias there. Miss me because you should! ;]
Take good care of yourselves. And do visit me. Or hopefully I can visit home.
Hi to Michael and take care of him. Ghen babe, make sure ha, d mag lasing yan na may kasamang mga babae. Miske ikaw…hahahahaha!!! Basta. Take care of my baby. Take care of yourselves...I'll see you guys soon.

mga...

2009-04-15T20:22:00.006+08:00

New York New York
Fish n Co. @ Glass House
ice skating
G-MAX
buffet
European resto-hop
Marina Barrage
Marina @ Keppel Bay

...

absurdiot

2009-04-15T20:01:00.002+08:00

i find it abso-freakin-lutely absurd to have a meet-up just because people found out you're leavin' soon...be it leavin' the world or leavin' the place to live in another.

if people wanted to meet up because they miss one another, they would, somehow or other, MAKE TIME for the people who's been part of their lives...but i guess they have more important things to do than give that approximately 3hours to the people of their past or recent past. and then when someone perishes, will they feel remorse...

ouh well.

i wish to feel sweetness just for a few more days.

another shifting

2009-04-15T12:19:00.002+08:00

everything's gon' change within a week...

savoring...

this ain't all hatred

2009-04-12T17:52:00.003+08:00

Hello.
Been awhile.
Yep.
Loadssa shit has happened.
Both uber jovial stints and fucked up moments.

‘troubled person’…
I don’t mind the opinion…
Well, maybe because I do not write blissful events anymore? That’s why when readers read, that’s what they infer.
Nor do I talk [at certain places] as much as I talk happy-crazy with certain people?
Lol.
We are still humans after all.
We abruptly judge things by what we see/hear/read.
But it’s never enough to know that person that way.

I just choose to segregate…
Not because I’m a recluse…
But because of my surroundings, I just need to keep my guard up…
Past mistakes are lessons taught to avert future recrudescence.

And as the day draws closer, I prepare for yet another environment-acclimatization…
I can somehow foresee some unsolicited mania.
I’m drained…with elucidations…
But with the snoopy behavior of human beings, they will – with perseverance – try to get you to say your bloody piece.
Well maybe this time, they can bend over backwards and break their ribs and backbones and burst their asses just to get me to speak up…and all I will ever do is give them an ever cu-eet mordant smirk that will drive them insane. ;)

Reason for me choosing not to respond is because I’ve been denunciated or when I reason out my rights, I will be criticized as an uncouth despite HOW politely I’ve responded.

I have been at my very best behavior; not replying anybody with impudence…
And I’m impressed at how I’ve managed my anger throughout these years – lessening the rage display…
But suppressing the pain and anger is more of a torture internally.
I guess I’m not surprised at how I look…

Almost every day; in and out of home, my ears and mind gets flooded by mockery that just makes me wanna flee just to spend time with myself.
But I care so much that my escape always gets trashed.
So when I decide to just coop up in my room, and emit the emotions I have, false allegations will be forced on.

As much as possible, I will swallow the pain inflicted on me.
I haven’t given up.
Can’t you see?
I haven’t quit.
Can’t you see?! The improvement throughout these fucking years?!
But…
It don’t matter anyway. It won’t ever matter until I meet people’s expectations.
Because you are all better than me.

I wonder if He [the only one who knows and sees it all] recognizes the progress?

pass it to me.

2009-04-04T23:45:00.003+08:00

things were still pretty fine.
until about two days ago...
i guess i could still handle it if the problem involves just...ME alone.
but involving my LOVED ones?
that's way too much.

i know everyone goes from head-to-toe weak when affected by loved ones.
and we all try to hide whatever we're feeling inside.

i would always ask Him to pass it to me rather than give it to them.
He knows that.
and i pray He listens.
i know He does.

my bro wrote a touching note...and no doubt, i teared.
and now...as i type this...
i'm shedding tears.

i'm sure the last thing she wants from me is failure.
that would just worsen everything that's happenin' now.
i just wanna pick myself up again.
this is not how i foresaw things to be a decade ago.

poof.

2009-03-31T19:58:00.002+08:00

i don't know my brother anymore...again.
we've lost touch with him...
i've personally lost touch with him...maybe since the last time we went to church together...
when he said he'll be a 'changed' person this year...
and like the usual, it's only said and done in the beginning...
and eventually, will fall out of it.
sigh.
now i don't know if he's gonna 'change' again since they're gone.
and what kinda 'change'?
double sigh.

at work...been hectic for me since i started learnin' bar.
breakin' glasses, spillin' drinks, mixed up with what to put on what drinks, etc.
sigh.
no doubt, God knows how much i wanted this.
and now that i got it...i just hope they'll have patience with me.
i know i'm gonna get there soon.
i duwanna be a pessimist and say i am a slow-learner but can't help it... ;(
this is probably my third week? as a bariste but i'm still havin' difficulty gettin' the SOP ;(
nevertheless, imma get it...
really be patient with me guys...i beg ya... ;(

disappointment aside...
today was pretty fun.
considering i didn't do too much bar and there were only 2 people workin'!
'twas almost 12...and the guests seemed to be enjoying their stay when i reached.
then as i was goin' in to time in, i looked at the bar side...and...
*bam* the glasses and cups and saucers were like overcrowding the bar side.
michelle had to stay a lil longer just to finish up the drinks...while i took the orders of the new customers [that just kept comin' while the others go] and bust tables and send food/drinks and wash the glasses etc.
wooh!
we managed well, really. despite the non-stop 'crowd' and the coming of stocks. ;)
no blunders...abang aziz siooooo! i guess the music helped ;)
i guess it's pretty harder now that we got no washer. but still managable...
if only in few more weeks, i can perfect my SOP, it'd be a lil easier, and lesser challenge.
since now that i'm really jugglin' alotta things.
what fucks me up is that, some colleagues who're pretty pro at what they do gets annoyed easily when i make mistakes just because they're used to what they're doin' already.
sigh. i haven't been workin' as frequent as y'all man! and and and you may be faster at rememberin' stuff and i don't!
if only you knew me long enough would you understand my situation memory-wise.

i feel alotta things i duwanna feel but i duwanna let it conquer my body and i'm doin' my best to fight it off...toilet breaks help cuz it's when i can at least release some stress and bloody aches and just recharge and focus on work so that when i get out of that cubicle...i can stomach in and endure what i feel. but even that is taken away from me ;( sucks, really.

shah's a good manager and friend to be honest. i don't wanna fail him. i know i already have, with my mistakes and late-comings ;(
shah's like an elder brother who takes good care of his bros and siss...
i just hope that i'll get better everyday. ;)

pedicab

2009-03-29T13:29:00.003+08:00

last night, i got to watch this wonderful story entitled 'pedicab'...

it was about this girl, Nellie who went home with a baby and you probably already know what happened next...
until after the mother's yacking, she held the baby in her arms...and...[i guess that's what most parents would feel...once they hold that small innocent living being, it just softens their hearts...and takes away their anger] so Nellie lived with her mom and siblings again...

her elder bro's neighbour-friend, Tobias [who was a farmer] was introduced to her and became friends.
the mom was pretty disturbed when she found out how close they were getting and told her he's probably going after her because he knows she's easy to get...especially now that she has a child [some kind of a proof]...

Tobias knew how the mom felt about him and nevertheless, he proved to Nellie his real love despite her having a child...
He loved Khaycee[Nel's daughter] like his own and soon they got married.
all he wanted from Nellie was to stay home and look after their 'clan'...
They had 5 children altogether...he did farming in the day, pedicab/rickshaw in the evening.
beautiful husband...so hardworking until he met an accident with the pedicab. the day he was sent to the hospital was the day Nellie had to give birth to their 6th upon seeing her hubby's condition...
she was then forced to give away the baby just so she could pay for Tob's therapy and meds.

she had to find a job to replace Tob. so she decided to do be a pedicab driver...[i never could imagine how tough it actually is until i watched her force her petite body pedal that thing with at least 2 people on...] she couldn't get any customers/passengers cuz of her physique...even kids didn't want her.

until she decided to go to KC's school and asked a random teacher if she could work there with any kind of job...Ms Sheryl kindly refused until Nel begged. She felt Nel and was uber kind to her and one time told her co-teachers to take a ride at Nel's pedicab. unexpectedly, they were heading off to where Tobias met with an accident...

when Nel reached that point, she stopped - she stopped and thought about how freaky the down-slope was that almost killed her husband. Ms Sheryl then saw her reaction and pretended to have muscle cramp from sitting too long and suggested to walk...

throughout the period he had to stop work, Tobias could NEVER accept the fact that Nellie is the one working for the family.
Since the day they got married, he treated Nellie like his princess, getting up early everyday and cooking breakfast for her, never wanting her to get too tired...and just wanted her to have a refreshing, awesome morning to start the day off with nice food done with love by her love...

he had this pride.
this principle in life.
he accepted her first kid and loved her unconditionally.
the fact that he could not stomach the sight of ready-to-drop-Nellie [coming home every night] working for them, encouraged him to recover fast enough to learn to walk and move his hands again.
she went through tough shit - entered a man's world where she was disparaged and scoffed at. she nonetheless strived to make her 'new life' thrive and for her family to remain rigid.
while he, felt useless at home, paralysed yet had the eager to just get up and switch places back with his wife.

i think that's pretty much a very heartfelt true story [by the way] that rarely happens in this 'modern' world. but i'd have to say that i do actually know a FEW men and male friends who has such dignity and principle in life despite having different financial statuses...
i am very honored and i salute these guys with utter respect and can only be happy for the women in their lives.

what really moved me is that this couple is from a poor family yet the 'pillar of the home' still treated his 'light of the home' as a princess... :) this just proves that it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor to be able to carry out the dream you have for your family. it just takes a matter of dignity and principle and hard-work...

Women's Month is ending soon. Shoutout to the Great Moms and Dads out there...keep the love alive y'all!

2009-03-23T20:33:00.002+08:00

you go to work...tired and hungry
you get home...get nagged at...blamed...
do my work...i can't.
ask for favor...could've said no if couldn't be done.
i give time...also get fucked up.

fuck man.
i'm wrong at work, at home, to Him, to him...
woohoo...
how worse can it get?
O-U-H W-E-L-L.
who else? who fucking else?!

i'm managing my time...but it's never appreciated...have to have squabbles.
who's more tired?
i suck at work...i suck at home...where else can i expect a suck-free place? whom with?!
no matter how tired i am...i still MAKE A FUCK SHIT EFFORT to make things absolutely perfect for occasions...the only fucking problem is when things go wrong...the planned plan fails eventually. :(
i'm so tired.
no matter how fucked-up-busy i am with other things...i make time for other things. but...whatever man...useless fuck.

be nice.

2009-03-23T19:43:00.004+08:00

yet another sigh.
i know i wanted this.
and i'm not giving up.

i have been feeling something before.
i'm just shutting my mouth up.
i'm not gonna say no shit...

really fucked up.
you go to work...
you make a 'whole load' of mistakes you don't mean to make...[i'm sure we all don't MEAN to make mistakes...duh...otherwise it won't be called a 'mistake']
you hear things that you don't wanna get involve in...
they make mistakes and asks for favors to keep quiet and you don't complain...
but YOU make mistakes and you hear so much from them...=.="
[so much for saying 'dunno, ask me...', 'anything, ask me...']
i certainly do not think it's THE 'positions' that juniors do not complain...and that seniors do...
i think it's the personalities of the people themselves...
i don't know, really.
correct me if i'm wrong, please.

i hate to talk about people...those i've worked with knows that.
they don't hear no shit from me. i don't do 'politics' [if that's the right word]
i do my work...i hear a lotta things...but that's it.
but there's a limit to my patience...
the bottle's overflowing and i gotta let some out.
i do observe...i know those who doesn't like working with me...just because i'm a bloody 'sotong' and that i forget things...that i eventually make mistakes and shit.

and HELL NO...i'm not making these as excuses cuz i HAVE BEEN battling with this shit since young...
that's probably what i lack...but nevertheless at the end of the day, i ALWAYS MAKE DAMN BLOODY SURE i get the job done.
those who have worked with me...knows that i'm slow but i make sure the job's perfectly done.

dammit.
make yourself look like you're so fucking pro...
talks behind their back...
sees them...and suddenly...
soooo friendly.
sheesh. bloody hell.
i loathe plastiks.
if you hate that person, say it straight lah...
if you got problem with that person tell it to their face!
ouh man...c'mon.

stop bitchin' cuz you ain't bitch enough to say it to people's face...
SIGH.
you yourself are impatient...and only likes to work with people who's familiar with things so you don't have to TEACH those who don't know much...zzz.

my friends all know i'm a cracked.
but they also know i do keep my guard up.
we're all nice and friendly...but when we get fucked up...we fuck them up right? well most of us do.
i'm not gonna let anyone step on me cuz i HAVE BEEN too nice before.
we all learn from mistakes. and i don't wanna make the same mistakes again.

i do things i am asked to do even if sometimes i feel some physical pain. i just don't complain cuz i don't wanna be seen as weak even if i can't take it anymore. but just because i make mistakes and i do what i'm asked to do and i don't yack and i button my lip when i get talked to in a pathetic manner does not freaking mean i'm under anyone. HELL i STILL respect people no matter how unkind they can get...

i honestly like my colleagues. and i respect each and every one of 'em. i guess even if i got backbitten...but just don't expect me to be as nice. sigh. ouh well.

retain your RESPECT...if you got that...*tahha*

hole.

2009-03-11T23:04:00.004+08:00

" There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every
time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said,

'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same again. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
But It won't matter how many times you say ‘I'm sorry’, the wound will still be there.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one….’ "

i guess we all need to be reminded everytime about this. i know we’ve all heard/read it before but we either forget or ignore. ouh well.

it was filled with love, but you started nailing my heart and then pulling them out, inadvertently discerning that you've left so many holes; the pain you've inflicted on me - causing anger. so not only does my heart contain love, it is now comprised with pain and anger as well.

2009-03-10T23:55:00.001+08:00

tired

bariste

2009-03-08T22:14:00.007+08:00

eyeyyy...
'sup...
hehe.

back to work after so long.
my first day as a BARISTE ;)
like...after so long lah...
i've earned the so-called 'promotion'! nyaha!!!
guess 'cuz i'm gonna turn 6th month old at TCC on the 15th?
hehe.

jowelyn trained me...aziz as well.
but yeah, when was tested by zix, i failed :(
i'm not a fast-learner as i told shah before.
but i'm doing my best.
just 'cuz i wasn't taught some other things that was asked, doesn't mean it's 'as good as not learning anything'.
that's pretty much effed up.
i did and am doin' my best.
God knows.
even if i was unable to recall most of the things...
still...
i learned today, fullstop.

ouh well.
not everyone is like someone you adore/admire[who has impressed you in a way somehow]...
i hope people learn that people have levels of speed-of-learning [whatever sheyt you call it]

all the best to all those havin' exams this week.
:)

well.

2009-03-07T21:17:00.001+08:00

Good evening, guys.
how's everyone been?

school's finally out again.
I am finally out of ITE.

i just hope to get into Poly...
i just wanna get into Poly...
i need to get into Poly...

i’ve missed everyone...
i was so freakin’ busy i didn’t have time for y’all.
i’ve tried to ‘make time’ but just won’t allow me...
ouh well.
now that school’s out, i’ll be busy with work... :(
not that i duwanna work…it just means i’ll still be busy right?
but i’m sure i have more time now to give y’all. hehe.

time...
sigh.
i hope everything goes well.
this has just got to be a minor thing, please.
i’ve got so many unfinished business to do.
please let me do them first...
i beg of You.
Thank You.

panlima

2009-02-26T00:43:00.001+08:00

maligayang pan limang buan, mahal ko

uhhgain.

2009-02-21T18:00:00.002+08:00

the baboy has woken up...i fell asleep waiting...

i gotta finish this sheyt by tonight!!!
joanne's got work at 8 in the morning tomorrow!

the only people i know well that would defy my 'do not bug' statuses is tiu and kiki.
:D

my subway date!!!

magsswimming na ung baboy ko. ouh well. ganyan talaga. cge nah.

uhhh....

2009-02-21T15:11:00.004+08:00

lonely boring gloomy saturday!
lonely even if momz and popz 're here...
boring even if i have so many things to do...school stuff. YES! school stuff. i know many of y'all will think otherwise. c'mon. i'm not a 24/7 too much of an idler! i do do my school stuffs! idiots.
gloomy - well, blame it on the weather! sheesh! makes my face go :(

and lonely, boring, gloomy coz i currently do not have the attention i'm seeking for from baboy ko as the baboy pigs on the bed - sleeping, snoring, probably drooling...saying grossy things or maybe even fantisizing on some undesired things, lol.

ouh puh-lease!

aaaaand.....
okaye!
i've been randomly typing things i've been randomly thinking of which i randomly keep deleting for the past 5minutes.

and i've typed a lot! as long as my usual posts that makes your eyes go round and round until you decide to just click the 'x' on the window or the tab! =.=" zzzzz...idiots.

ouhkaye, i'll stick to this.

the 'ten's tag game

2009-02-13T10:34:00.005+08:00

indirectly tagged by: shahera

TEN ARE YOUS
1. Are you single - no
2. Are you happy - no mood to be happy. lol
3. Are you bored - nope...got loadsa shits to do man.
4. Are you fair - fair-color? fair-reasonable? fair-color? no. fair-reasonable? so-so
5. Are you Italian - no
6. Are you intelligent - i'm fucking intelligently dumb
7. Are you honest - yes...too honest...
8. Are you nice - not really.
9. Are you Irish - i'm asian.
10. Are you Asian - yea, with a mix of spanish and some asian blood, but generally an asian

TEN FACTS
1. Full Name - Joanne....
2. Nicknames - jojo, jo, ferarri, mojo jojo, helmet, [i forgot e rest]
3. Birth place - manila
4. Hair color - black
5. Natural hair style - straight
6. Eye Color - brown
7. Birthday - 19 june
(number 8 is missing) - stupid!
9. Favorite color - hot/neon pink/green, black, white, red
10. One place you'd like to visit - heaven?

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love - ya
2. Do you believe in love at first sight - havent experienced it yet, i think.
3. Do you currently have a crush? - no
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally - ya
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart - ya
6. Have you ever had your heart broken - ya
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them - ya
8. Are you afraid of commitment - idk
9. Who was the last person you hugged - idr
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? - kelo?

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust - Love
2. Hard liquor or beer - hard liq
3. Cats or dogs - dogs
4. A few best friends or any regular friends - a few best friends
5. Creamy or Crunchy - crunchy
6. Pencil or Pen - pen
7. Wild night out or romantic night in - either
8. Money or Happiness - happiness
9. Night or day - Night
10. IM or phone - either

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out - idr
2. Seen a polar bear - ya
3. Done something you regret - loads
4. Bungee jumped - i wanna
5. Eaten food that fell on the floor - ya, the 'two-second rule' i think
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker - i probably could've but they dont have it here
7. Been caught naked - almost?
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back - ya, i can 'want' but i cannot do that
9. Cried because you lost a pet - yes
10. Wanted to disappear - yeah. during embarrasing moments.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes - either
2. Light or dark hair - light
3. Hugs or kisses - either
4. Shorter or taller - taller
5. Intelligence or attraction - intelligence with attraction
6. Topman or Zara - either
7. Funny or serious - why so serious? funny la...
8. Older or Younger - older
9. Outgoing or quiet - outgoing
10. Sweet or Bad - sweet

TEN HAVE YOUS
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yes, the lovely days are fucking gone and i'm locked up in this boring cage i'm currently living
2. Ever talked on the phone for longer than an hour - ya
3. Ever tried walking on your hands - ya
4. Ever been to a rock concert - ya
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team - no
6. Ever been on a dance team - yup
7. Ever been on a sports team - ya, those days :)
8. Ever been in a drama play/production - yea
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? - i'd want a viper though
10. Ever been in a rap video? - no

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made - pearlyn
2. Last person you kissed - idr
3. Last person you hung out with - mom
4. Last time you worked - last week
5. Last person you talked to - pearlyn
6. Last person you IM'd - rv?
7. Last person you texted - gianelli
8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with - kel
9. Last person/thing you missed - grandma, filo streetfood.
10. Last website visited - idk

TEN PEOPLE TO DO THIS
1. whoever
2. whoever
3. whoever
4. whoever
5. whoever
6. whoever
7. whoever
8. whoever
9. whoever
10. whoever

febulous.

2009-02-03T01:29:00.002+08:00

someone bring me to marina at keppel bay.

flowers,

chocolates,

flowers with chocolates,

reds,

hearts

are the in-thing again.

enjoy your Valentine's Day ;]

inane

2008-12-30T10:57:00.005+08:00

the biddie who was once a buffy...
who used to fight for ardor with her swain...
whom she thought had veneration for her...
she, who used to be his inamorata...
has now fallen prey...
and is tussling against the futile clandestine ardor...

the oath he uttered...
to never cause her slur nor make her snivel...
flowed down the drain like acid rain that would corrode the ecstasy they used to revel in.

the 'cavalier' just disparates him.
she has now agreed, under duress, to be a thrall for the fucking lad.

HELLo guys.
you will not be hearing much from me...

river

2008-12-28T22:55:00.005+08:00

i can't believe i'm getting more scrawny each day.

i've been crying a lot again and i fucking hate it...

i was wiping my tears off in front of people today...in public, at work, at home...
because of everything that i'm feeling. it just sucks so much that i wanna poke my eyes out!
i hate to be seen crying. i know we all do. especially by my parents.

i just really wanna do so much for the people i care for.

white flag

2008-12-28T20:36:00.008+08:00

today i thought i'd be working 0900-1700...but shah texted 1500-2200 which i only read at 8-ish am. it was a relief somehow. cuz i could barely open my eyes to even read the text message; took me quite awhile to finish reading the SMS.

finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.

so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.

but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.

i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.

i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.

i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.

people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?

my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...

but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.

cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.

i'm so tired.

simbang gabi '08 [part one]

2008-12-23T01:02:00.006+08:00

good morning friends...

right now, i'm wishin' i'm doin' this post on a rooftop;
relishing the midnight breeze,
gazing and number-crunching the stars
and savoring the aroma of the night whiff.

but instead, i'm on the bed...
with the windows closed
with the fan off
with the light on
and legs blanketted...
hahaha. how conflicting.

well anyways, it just means i'm inspired to post. ;]

despite the fatigue i get from work and still managing to attend night masses everyday since monday [work and night masses both started on monday, 15/12/08], i gain strength to smile when i see michael; who comes to my workplace almost everyday and stalks me when i meet up with my folks for masses.

the good thing is, i see him everyday and get to hold him - even for JUST a second.
that little gesture 'overwhelms [kilig] me to the bones...;
as in...
to the core,
from head to toe,
to the highest of the highest
and the lowest of the lowest,
to the right-est of the right-est
and the left-est of the left-est,
to infinity and beyond'...

we have been seeing each other for eight days straight and will probably go beyond our 'record' and maybe even BerGhen's [pronounced as *VirGen*] too! tahha!

i also gain strength when i'm with my folks...because we barely have time for one another at home. as in LITERALLY.
yeah, we are THAT busy. so the only time we have is the night-masses times.
as for my brother...he only got to join us for a night. the rest of the days...he's busy with work [excuses]. so i really have nothing else to say but to shake head.

BUT who am i to comment on him when i myself whimper even when i go for the masses.
i whine that my feet aches like tooooot! and that i NEED to sit...when at work, i CAN endure the pain and suffering.
i grumble that i have a headache and is sleepy and feels the NEED to be excused to sit and close my eyes because of work...when at work i bear with those and continue my job...
i eat/drink like no one's business even when the mass has started...when at work, i sustain from doin' those and patiently wait for my break...
freakin' shtoopid huh? HATE it. it's like i'm attendin' the masses for the wrong reasons...gahhh!

but anyways, two more night masses and then back to normal til next year again.

~~
just a little sharing on the night masses.

i haven't had the opportunity like earlier tonight; wherein i people-watch.
earlier tonight, Simbang Gabi was held at Tampines, Church of the Holy Trinity.
AND for the first time, out of all the SG [Simbang Gabi] days, i actually QUEUED UP for the Food. zzz.
well...mom forced me to.

kelo took an extra porridge for me [which i gave to mom instead...but glad that i still got to taste them].
when i came with the porridge and pass it to mom, she asked me to take another - for my aunt and unc...i of course was reluctant...cuz i don't like queueing up and being nudged by people just to get food. sheeesh!
but yeah, i did anyway...i got the pansit [beehoon?!] and even asked for the porridge too...but the guy told me: "sorry, if you already got the pansit, you can't get the porridge, so that everyone has the opportunity to get some food" [the people in front of me have BOTH mann! ugh!]
But since mom told me to get TWO...so i HAD to lie [i don't know why i HAD to]: "ouh, it's for my grandma" and the guy just gave it to me... ;p
after the effort and patience of queueing up and getting the food and finding my way out of the crowd, i passed it to my aunt and unc...who HESITATED to get the food.
ouh c'mon now! i didn't do all those just for you guys to reject them! eeeesh. so i just passed it to them and walked away to the gate and sat there and waited for them to finish the food...and chats...zzz.

so while waiting, i was watching people pass me by and they all amused me...the different kinds of reactions on their faces. hahaha. young or old, seeing them all eat their food just really made them look like they're havin' SECOND-CHILDHOOD...

2 or 3 guys positioned themselves at the gate and opened the boxes they carried and started giving out these snacks.
people leavin' and passing by the guys [even passing the gate line already...] go back just to take the snack. some took 5...some just 1...slipping it/them into their bags...smilin' like little children...some were even goin' back to take a few more... ;S

well, we are all children of God...so the smile on our faces when we were young will still be visible even when we are all wrinkly.
well, people would take the effort to queue up for free food anyway.
just not me. hah.
and no, it's not the pride or anything...
i just don't fancy the queueing ups and squeezings and being nudged...sucks man. plus their loud voices...sheeeeeesh!

but hey, these are the little things that puts a smile on my face...observing the kinds of reactions on their faces...people are funny. teehee. well, i shall say more of the my experiences and thoughts about SG on my next post...

~~
i HAVEN'T done any shopping for Christmas :'(
tomorrow shall be the day! if i can wake up early...tsss.

crap face.

2008-12-18T02:31:00.003+08:00

i gave myself JUST TWO days of rest before goin' back to the beloved TCC.
for days...i felt pressured of what was to come.
what was to be expected of me and sheytz.

like hot dayyem.
just SECOND day and already FULL-BODY ACHE.
ouh, i'm workin' at CQ now by the way.
at first i thought it was the lack of calcium i have.
but when i thought of what i did before gettin' back to TCC, it suddenly struck me that i DID have a somewhat good life at Creative, ~~shitting~~ sitting down there the WHOLE of the day and just absorbing radiation from the CRT monitor [yeah, C-R-A-P!!! for a very big company to use such old monitors?] that we used.

ouh weyyll...third day and i just wanted to quit but i couldn't...just because i want to learn MORE.
what fucking PISSED the hell outta me today is...already i did not have any food since i fucking woke up at 8...and i have NO 30mins break; as i'm only workin' for 5h [i EVEN felt exkyted to see baby earlier and thought i could have longer time with him], i had training that started from 4 and i thought by 5 i'd be released...STILL!!! we had a meeting that i thought would last just a 1/2h later BUT of which, ended at SEVEN!!! i was LITERALLY standing up from the time i woke up til to Kovan...that's like TWELVE FULL straight hours!!! FUCKING HELL.

i felt so fucking DRAINED, so WOOZY and my knees were so WOBBLY that i could COLLAPSE anytime, anywhere...but i just remained as normal as i could for michael and EVEN bought him food [for making him wait for me for 2h plus for nothing]...he didn't take it anyway. i felt crushed even MORE when he REJECTED it numerous times when i insisted he take them because i ESPECIALLY bought them for him.
hmmm, either he didn't like them? or they looked cheap? i don't know. but i was too weak to voice out that it EMBARRASSED the fuck outta me that he didn't take the food i bought for him. SIGH. furthermore, i didn't get to talk to him much nor hold him because i was talkin' to ate jowellyn from Clarke Quay to Kovan [hyeah, he felt neglected...but jowellyn kept yackin' and yackin' mann!!! i can't just be rude and shut her off]...then from Kovan to church, i was with dad.

i have been making him wait for me...ALWAYS...and he makes the effort to come down to see me and stuff...i just feel very doleful for him...that when we finally meet, we get quiet because of the waiting time that really pisses people off and loses their mood...
BUT i am also so fucking exhausted that when we finally meet, all i want to do is JUST have a nice, JOLLY conversation and out with the small, petty arguments and just STILL put a smile on my face even when i really am toooooooo ENERVATED from the sheytz i do because i want to make him feel special...and not make him feel like he's being treated like SHIT [where i make him wait and then finally just give that long, black, you-better-shut-the-fuck-up-i'm-too-tired-to-quarrel-for-being-late face].

my manager, shah talked to me yesterday; tuesday and clarified if i could juggle my work with family, boyfriend, school, friends, etc.
i paused and thought about it...it seemed highly unlikely but i STILL said i'll DO my best.

i just don't know if i still can celebrate [all the whacked-ness i invested my energy in] by partying or beaching or shopping and stuff because i would rather recharge and energize by sleeping all day and night if i could!!! like really FUCK damn.

ugh!

hate!

i hope to complete the 'Simbang Gabi' with michael even if we are physically far from each other at church...but just spiritually and emotionally would delight me...somehow, i STILL find the strength to attend the mass even if my body's gone brittle...but sadly, it disrupts my mind from listening to the mass because i think more about how tired i am and most especially, KELO...dammet.

anyway. i just want a nice indulgence after all these sheytz...
and i REALLY need to continuously FOCUS on my crunches again...

Creative.

2008-12-18T01:34:00.007+08:00

many gosh-es...
i've been so very caught up with work that i've little time for myself and family...most especially God...
i also have no time to blog even when i feel the want and need to...and most especially when i just have the spur to.
and i freaking-ly doubt that my experiences in the past two months will pretty much remain fresh in my rotting mind as i'm inclined to forget things even if i do not want to.

well, anyways, i'll just share whatever i can remember ;]

how's workin' at Creative? - almost good.
why? - the job i've always been KINDA hopin' for...where i can sit in front of the computer
every-freakin'-day...

the snag?
- it's so freakin' PEACEFUL inside that all you hear are the typings...and the freakin' thing is that i only brought my earphones like 3weeks to ending. so i spent the 6 weeks suffering with the freakin' ennui.
trust me, i felt like SCREAMING down there. i got so bored that sometimes i will sing or yawn loudly or just make noise...[they gave those looks, but who cares?]
- i am seated at the same cubicle with the 'highest boss' [overall in-charge of the IA students], H...and he is seated right at the back; two tables behind me. so he bloody-hell kept checkin' on me [checkin' if the computer screen's on a related sheyt to work]
like, mann!!! c'mon uh, i do my job well...but i ended up gettin' the FUCKING lowest marks[most likely] among the group JUST BECAUSE of my punctuality and an incident [forgettin' to remove my cap and shades] which i think is irrational because others have worn caps many times and he failed to even open his FUCKING big eyes [he has BIG eyes that he will open so wide just to 'try' to scare the ass outta you]
OUH and he has APPLE BOTTOMs too!!! for a man to have such bottoms?! ewww-y!

i've got so much to say about this guy...he's just bias...he obviously hates me[and clarence] for comin' late that he purposely has to give me the fucking lowest marks. HAD I KNOWN!!! i would've backed out from the fucking project we were TRICKED to do and 100%-ly focus on the emails so i can attain higher marks! like FUCK mann, cereally! well, yeah, it probably gave him the impression that i do not care...cuz there were numerous times he saw me with that face...so yeah.

i SWEAR that face-attitude thingy didn't want to stop there...i wanted to articulate THE word to his face everytime i see him but it's my future we're talkin' about...not gonna jeopardize it further since it's already been damaged...just imagine if i actually showed my fuck-care behavior...i'd be long gone and blacklisted to the companies they are closely tied-up with.

ouh well, WHATEVER.

all i can say is WWCR [World Wide Customer Response] would be livelier and be better off WITHOUT him. they need someone who is FUN and really cares for people's feelings...and not just about gettin' the bloody job done.

the work's fine. just the project gave me crappy days. but anyways.

THANK YOU to the people who helped me; emails, food, drinks, project, friendship ;]
really appreciate them. anne; our trainer.
the teams:
CLI- jiawen, pablo, clarence, raymond, ray, rafael, james, huiting, raj?, marcus, vic, cassan, steven, jeen.
CLE- ramil, sham, yijuan, gau, kenny, [the rest, i don't know].
CLA- ying zhen, xue qing, ??????? [i don't know] ;p

THANK YOU.

ps. h suck. ;)
and with regards to their products, i shan't be so cruel and advise people to not support their products because they're not so creative and worthy as i used to think they are...
emmm...WOOPS?! ;]

Creative's f...fa...fu...f-i....n...e

THE PARASITE-SPICH WIPPER-SNAPPER

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only an underdog.

2011

hello to the start of Back to December.

damn whatever...

accept..someone...

BV mo, isaac!

You were caught by a crazy bunch of human-eating tribe and they're going to slaughter you and you're only given only one word to convince them to let you go, what would that word be? :)

What's the most cheesiest pickup line you've ever heard of ? :)

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unplanned school-break

soul siztah love.

;'(

fear

19/09/2008

cry

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What's your honest opinion of me? (If you're brave you'll press ask followers) :)

Sweetest thing done for you?

Sweetest thing done for you?

first impression on me?

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

...

...

...

putatively 28th...

i'm hard! ;p

pain

gettin' up.

bitterness.

only just a dream...PART 2

only.

only just a dream...

Relinquish.

last chance...

heart and soul piercer.

i am a good liar

y r u being the sweetest bestfriend i ever had?

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fervour.

bestfriella

THE best.

2y 11mths ago...

will edit later...

business meeeyyyyyyn

;P

back to a trash-gurl

choices

solitary

emotions unburdened

restoration

bullet

crimps

then He answered...

freakin' life

Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation

V'DAY '10

*thinkin of a title*

s-tuck-mmer

rant #456234132409654534

carry on

never been this sick.

quick updates!

rapper...

imprisoned in dungeon....

pandemic

look-alikes.

first day at college

grad!

Why to My decision.

here i am

mga...

absurdiot

another shifting

this ain't all hatred

pass it to me.

thinkin of a title