inane

the biddie who was once a buffy...
who used to fight for ardor with her swain...
whom she thought had veneration for her...
she, who used to be his inamorata...
has now fallen prey...
and is tussling against the futile clandestine ardor...

the oath he uttered...
to never cause her slur nor make her snivel...
flowed down the drain like acid rain that would corrode the ecstasy they used to revel in.

the 'cavalier' just disparates him.
she has now agreed, under duress, to be a thrall for the fucking lad.

HELLo guys.
you will not be hearing much from me...

river

i can't believe i'm getting more scrawny each day.

i've been crying a lot again and i fucking hate it...

i was wiping my tears off in front of people today...in public, at work, at home...
because of everything that i'm feeling. it just sucks so much that i wanna poke my eyes out!
i hate to be seen crying. i know we all do. especially by my parents.



i just really wanna do so much for the people i care for.

white flag

today i thought i'd be working 0900-1700...but shah texted 1500-2200 which i only read at 8-ish am. it was a relief somehow. cuz i could barely open my eyes to even read the text message; took me quite awhile to finish reading the SMS.

finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.

so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.

but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.

i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.

i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.

i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.

people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?

my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...


but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.


cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.



i'm so tired.

simbang gabi '08 [part one]

good morning friends...

right now, i'm wishin' i'm doin' this post on a rooftop;
relishing the midnight breeze,
gazing and number-crunching the stars
and savoring the aroma of the night whiff.

but instead, i'm on the bed...
with the windows closed
with the fan off
with the light on
and legs blanketted...
hahaha. how conflicting.

well anyways, it just means i'm inspired to post. ;]



despite the fatigue i get from work and still managing to attend night masses everyday since monday [work and night masses both started on monday, 15/12/08], i gain strength to smile when i see michael; who comes to my workplace almost everyday and stalks me when i meet up with my folks for masses.

the good thing is, i see him everyday and get to hold him - even for JUST a second.
that little gesture 'overwhelms [kilig] me to the bones...;
as in...
to the core,
from head to toe,
to the highest of the highest
and the lowest of the lowest,
to the right-est of the right-est
and the left-est of the left-est,
to infinity and beyond'...

we have been seeing each other for eight days straight and will probably go beyond our 'record' and maybe even BerGhen's [pronounced as *VirGen*] too! tahha!

i also gain strength when i'm with my folks...because we barely have time for one another at home. as in LITERALLY.
yeah, we are THAT busy. so the only time we have is the night-masses times.
as for my brother...he only got to join us for a night. the rest of the days...he's busy with work [excuses]. so i really have nothing else to say but to shake head.

BUT who am i to comment on him when i myself whimper even when i go for the masses.
i whine that my feet aches like tooooot! and that i NEED to sit...when at work, i CAN endure the pain and suffering.
i grumble that i have a headache and is sleepy and feels the NEED to be excused to sit and close my eyes because of work...when at work i bear with those and continue my job...
i eat/drink like no one's business even when the mass has started...when at work, i sustain from doin' those and patiently wait for my break...
freakin' shtoopid huh? HATE it. it's like i'm attendin' the masses for the wrong reasons...gahhh!

but anyways, two more night masses and then back to normal til next year again.

~~
just a little sharing on the night masses.

i haven't had the opportunity like earlier tonight; wherein i people-watch.
earlier tonight, Simbang Gabi was held at Tampines, Church of the Holy Trinity.
AND for the first time, out of all the SG [Simbang Gabi] days, i actually QUEUED UP for the Food. zzz.
well...mom forced me to.

kelo took an extra porridge for me [which i gave to mom instead...but glad that i still got to taste them].
when i came with the porridge and pass it to mom, she asked me to take another - for my aunt and unc...i of course was reluctant...cuz i don't like queueing up and being nudged by people just to get food. sheeesh!
but yeah, i did anyway...i got the pansit [beehoon?!] and even asked for the porridge too...but the guy told me: "sorry, if you already got the pansit, you can't get the porridge, so that everyone has the opportunity to get some food" [the people in front of me have BOTH mann! ugh!]
But since mom told me to get TWO...so i HAD to lie [i don't know why i HAD to]: "ouh, it's for my grandma" and the guy just gave it to me... ;p
after the effort and patience of queueing up and getting the food and finding my way out of the crowd, i passed it to my aunt and unc...who HESITATED to get the food.
ouh c'mon now! i didn't do all those just for you guys to reject them! eeeesh. so i just passed it to them and walked away to the gate and sat there and waited for them to finish the food...and chats...zzz.

so while waiting, i was watching people pass me by and they all amused me...the different kinds of reactions on their faces. hahaha. young or old, seeing them all eat their food just really made them look like they're havin' SECOND-CHILDHOOD...

2 or 3 guys positioned themselves at the gate and opened the boxes they carried and started giving out these snacks.
people leavin' and passing by the guys [even passing the gate line already...] go back just to take the snack. some took 5...some just 1...slipping it/them into their bags...smilin' like little children...some were even goin' back to take a few more... ;S


well, we are all children of God...so the smile on our faces when we were young will still be visible even when we are all wrinkly.
well, people would take the effort to queue up for free food anyway.
just not me. hah.
and no, it's not the pride or anything...
i just don't fancy the queueing ups and squeezings and being nudged...sucks man. plus their loud voices...sheeeeeesh!

but hey, these are the little things that puts a smile on my face...observing the kinds of reactions on their faces...people are funny. teehee. well, i shall say more of the my experiences and thoughts about SG on my next post...




~~
i HAVEN'T done any shopping for Christmas :'(
tomorrow shall be the day! if i can wake up early...tsss.

crap face.

i gave myself JUST TWO days of rest before goin' back to the beloved TCC.
for days...i felt pressured of what was to come.
what was to be expected of me and sheytz.

like hot dayyem.
just SECOND day and already FULL-BODY ACHE.
ouh, i'm workin' at CQ now by the way.
at first i thought it was the lack of calcium i have.
but when i thought of what i did before gettin' back to TCC, it suddenly struck me that i DID have a somewhat good life at Creative, shitting sitting down there the WHOLE of the day and just absorbing radiation from the CRT monitor [yeah, C-R-A-P!!! for a very big company to use such old monitors?] that we used.

ouh weyyll...third day and i just wanted to quit but i couldn't...just because i want to learn MORE.
what fucking PISSED the hell outta me today is...already i did not have any food since i fucking woke up at 8...and i have NO 30mins break; as i'm only workin' for 5h [i EVEN felt exkyted to see baby earlier and thought i could have longer time with him], i had training that started from 4 and i thought by 5 i'd be released...STILL!!! we had a meeting that i thought would last just a 1/2h later BUT of which, ended at SEVEN!!! i was LITERALLY standing up from the time i woke up til to Kovan...that's like TWELVE FULL straight hours!!! FUCKING HELL.

i felt so fucking DRAINED, so WOOZY and my knees were so WOBBLY that i could COLLAPSE anytime, anywhere...but i just remained as normal as i could for michael and EVEN bought him food [for making him wait for me for 2h plus for nothing]...he didn't take it anyway. i felt crushed even MORE when he REJECTED it numerous times when i insisted he take them because i ESPECIALLY bought them for him.
hmmm, either he didn't like them? or they looked cheap? i don't know. but i was too weak to voice out that it EMBARRASSED the fuck outta me that he didn't take the food i bought for him. SIGH. furthermore, i didn't get to talk to him much nor hold him because i was talkin' to ate jowellyn from Clarke Quay to Kovan [hyeah, he felt neglected...but jowellyn kept yackin' and yackin' mann!!! i can't just be rude and shut her off]...then from Kovan to church, i was with dad.

i have been making him wait for me...ALWAYS...and he makes the effort to come down to see me and stuff...i just feel very doleful for him...that when we finally meet, we get quiet because of the waiting time that really pisses people off and loses their mood...
BUT i am also so fucking exhausted that when we finally meet, all i want to do is JUST have a nice, JOLLY conversation and out with the small, petty arguments and just STILL put a smile on my face even when i really am toooooooo ENERVATED from the sheytz i do because i want to make him feel special...and not make him feel like he's being treated like SHIT [where i make him wait and then finally just give that long, black, you-better-shut-the-fuck-up-i'm-too-tired-to-quarrel-for-being-late face].


my manager, shah talked to me yesterday; tuesday and clarified if i could juggle my work with family, boyfriend, school, friends, etc.
i paused and thought about it...it seemed highly unlikely but i STILL said i'll DO my best.

i just don't know if i still can celebrate [all the whacked-ness i invested my energy in] by partying or beaching or shopping and stuff because i would rather recharge and energize by sleeping all day and night if i could!!! like really FUCK damn.

ugh!

hate!

i hope to complete the 'Simbang Gabi' with michael even if we are physically far from each other at church...but just spiritually and emotionally would delight me...somehow, i STILL find the strength to attend the mass even if my body's gone brittle...but sadly, it disrupts my mind from listening to the mass because i think more about how tired i am and most especially, KELO...dammet.

anyway. i just want a nice indulgence after all these sheytz...
and i REALLY need to continuously FOCUS on my crunches again...

Creative.

many gosh-es...
i've been so very caught up with work that i've little time for myself and family...most especially God...
i also have no time to blog even when i feel the want and need to...and most especially when i just have the spur to.
and i freaking-ly doubt that my experiences in the past two months will pretty much remain fresh in my rotting mind as i'm inclined to forget things even if i do not want to.

well, anyways, i'll just share whatever i can remember ;]



how's workin' at Creative? - almost good.
why? - the job i've always been KINDA hopin' for...where i can sit in front of the computer
every-freakin'-day...

the snag?
- it's so freakin' PEACEFUL inside that all you hear are the typings...and the freakin' thing is that i only brought my earphones like 3weeks to ending. so i spent the 6 weeks suffering with the freakin' ennui.
trust me, i felt like SCREAMING down there. i got so bored that sometimes i will sing or yawn loudly or just make noise...[they gave those looks, but who cares?]
- i am seated at the same cubicle with the 'highest boss' [overall in-charge of the IA students], H...and he is seated right at the back; two tables behind me. so he bloody-hell kept checkin' on me [checkin' if the computer screen's on a related sheyt to work]
like, mann!!! c'mon uh, i do my job well...but i ended up gettin' the FUCKING lowest marks[most likely] among the group JUST BECAUSE of my punctuality and an incident [forgettin' to remove my cap and shades] which i think is irrational because others have worn caps many times and he failed to even open his FUCKING big eyes [he has BIG eyes that he will open so wide just to 'try' to scare the ass outta you]
OUH and he has APPLE BOTTOMs too!!! for a man to have such bottoms?! ewww-y!

i've got so much to say about this guy...he's just bias...he obviously hates me[and clarence] for comin' late that he purposely has to give me the fucking lowest marks. HAD I KNOWN!!! i would've backed out from the fucking project we were TRICKED to do and 100%-ly focus on the emails so i can attain higher marks! like FUCK mann, cereally! well, yeah, it probably gave him the impression that i do not care...cuz there were numerous times he saw me with that face...so yeah.

i SWEAR that face-attitude thingy didn't want to stop there...i wanted to articulate THE word to his face everytime i see him but it's my future we're talkin' about...not gonna jeopardize it further since it's already been damaged...just imagine if i actually showed my fuck-care behavior...i'd be long gone and blacklisted to the companies they are closely tied-up with.

ouh well, WHATEVER.


all i can say is WWCR [World Wide Customer Response] would be livelier and be better off WITHOUT him. they need someone who is FUN and really cares for people's feelings...and not just about gettin' the bloody job done.

the work's fine. just the project gave me crappy days. but anyways.


THANK YOU to the people who helped me; emails, food, drinks, project, friendship ;]
really appreciate them. anne; our trainer.
the teams:
CLI- jiawen, pablo, clarence, raymond, ray, rafael, james, huiting, raj?, marcus, vic, cassan, steven, jeen.
CLE- ramil, sham, yijuan, gau, kenny, [the rest, i don't know].
CLA- ying zhen, xue qing, ??????? [i don't know] ;p


THANK YOU.





ps. h suck. ;)
and with regards to their products, i shan't be so cruel and advise people to not support their products because they're not so creative and worthy as i used to think they are...
emmm...WOOPS?! ;]

Creative's f...fa...fu...f-i....n...e

tall, dark, hott

sigh.
finally, our paths crossed again...
but only in my dream...
last night/this mornin'...

it was...
pretty outrageous...

here's the scenario...
was walkin' and chattin' with my Creative colleagues at the usual way [we walk every mornin' and evenin' to work...]
and the thing is, I don't know how come he was there?!

well, I don't even remember much...
the only remarkable and unforgettable part i could remember was we were walkin' while talkin' on the pathway with my colleagues and at the same time, also kinda arguing with him over something i wish i can remember?
then when crossing the road.......

he suddenly shouted he still loves me!
and that uberly shocked me. like my eyes were as big as an almond [still in its shell]
and i woke up...and i was still astonished as to what i heard!

I suddenly felt so blissful yet wonder...whether in reality,...?



well, i just want an answer...


but i guess an answer would not make a difference anyway.


it cannot erase the past.



it probably cannot bring back the past.


then i guess...it's all an inept...

like
damn
fuck.