today i thought i'd be working 0900-1700...but shah texted 1500-2200 which i only read at 8-ish am. it was a relief somehow. cuz i could barely open my eyes to even read the text message; took me quite awhile to finish reading the SMS.
finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.
so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.
but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.
i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.
i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.
i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.
people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?
my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...
but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.
cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.
i'm so tired.
finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.
so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.
but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.
i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.
i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.
i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.
people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?
my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...
but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.
cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.
i'm so tired.
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