I turned in at 2145h and I was awaken from my slumber at around 2330 and since then I was unable to go back to sleep despite my enervation to get up and do something.
Because of my debility, I was forcing myself to sleep again; tossing and turning for an hour and a half but ‘twas inept. And all the while I was awake; thoughts about my problems just hit. From the confusion of why he suddenly got ticked off early this evening to how my life changed drastically to my family’s status quo and how I just wanna surrender and commit suttee…
Flashbacks of how I used to be such a couch potato; updated with all the new shows that I can’t be now, since I got here, just brought me down. Everything has crumbled…if I thought year 2007 was the worst year of my fam’s life then came 2008 and we thought it was worse, 2009 and 2010 is probably the vilest. Sigh. Ne’er has it ever crossed my mind that things will get worse than ever…but I know that when we outlive this current situation, the worse is yet to come…
Since my uncle’s stroke in Mar ’09, he hasn’t gotten a job though he has drilled himself to recuperate. My aunt then has to minimize expenses; no cable TV and lesser groceries hence I don’t get to watch good TV [brain feeder] anymore, I don’t get to eat as much as I used to in my own time [midnight snacks, etc] and I don’t get to do my own things at my own time. It’s all been eliminated and the latter controlled. All I see and hear everywhere is Philippine soap operas; I wake up in the wee hours of the night, pretty hungry, yet no food to eat; and hear their indirect discourses of me wakin’ up late, etc…
If I could only live with my brother or by myself, better, I would.
As for my own family, my dad has been in and out of work but ne’er has he been on the dole for more than a month, specifically 3months! Till now mom’s the only breadwinner [and I salute her strength despite her health]. Mom called hours ago and I told her that if I could only stop studies and work to help them out, I would. And my Mom was quick to respond if I wanted to come back ‘ome…[since I got here, I knew my mom wouldn’t mind me goin’ back ‘ome…] If not for prioritizing education, I know Mom and Dad would want us to go back home already. In a way, I lit up hearin’ mom say “..so you wanna come back here?...” as if she really doesn’t mind me leavin’ my studies just to go back there and be with them. But hey hey!!! reality check!!! we all know it’s impossible. That was the utter downer of it.
Right now, our problem is if we can even go to school tomorrow… or if my mom has the fare to go to work later…or if we’re all still gonna eat later…that’s how FUCKED UP my life is right now! I just feel like my head’s gonna fucking explode with all this fucked up shits that’s been happenin'. I’m sorry if I can’t be in serenity…from months to almost a year I have been suppressing this fuck shit and yesterday it started penetrating to my system that here I am full of problems and adding to that is my fucking sickness. If we’re already having the trouble to find money for us to eat or go to school, I’m hell sure that medication’s undeniably out of the list.
In addition to the problem, he got pissed at me for nothing hours ago and he can’t even promise his visiting me here. Damn, I’ve even lost my hope for him to meet my parents, man. Things are all just getting so torrid I really wanna end my life.
In my thoughts, I blogged before wanting to take my own life. Then I wanted to jump down [but don’t know where since there’s only houses here til I thought of jumping down] from my uncle’s van but LOL, I’ll only end up hurt and still alive not dead. Then I thought of going out and get myself hit by a truck. Then I also thought of stabbing myself in the heart and people would only read my last post here after finding out my passwords to my accounts by hiring a hacker, LOL. But after that thought, I saw a dark place with some redness in it and I opened my eyes and it freaked me out. Killing myself would only further impair our situation [wake&funeral, etc] plus I don’t wanna end up as a ghost lingering about, knowing that something’s missing it’s why I can’t go up to heaven…sheesh. It’s crazy.
But really, I won’t hesitate to top myself if it’s not a sin to. Ouh hey, ain’t it already a sin to even have thoughts about those? Ouhwell. I really am down in the dumps right now…I’m not even hoping for the better…I’m just waiting for everything to get worse and I’ll eventually perish…Yes, I am waiting for my time to end…everything’s just FUCKED UP SICK. &right now, just shut the fuck up cuz nothing anyone can say will perk me up.
Because of my debility, I was forcing myself to sleep again; tossing and turning for an hour and a half but ‘twas inept. And all the while I was awake; thoughts about my problems just hit. From the confusion of why he suddenly got ticked off early this evening to how my life changed drastically to my family’s status quo and how I just wanna surrender and commit suttee…
Flashbacks of how I used to be such a couch potato; updated with all the new shows that I can’t be now, since I got here, just brought me down. Everything has crumbled…if I thought year 2007 was the worst year of my fam’s life then came 2008 and we thought it was worse, 2009 and 2010 is probably the vilest. Sigh. Ne’er has it ever crossed my mind that things will get worse than ever…but I know that when we outlive this current situation, the worse is yet to come…
Since my uncle’s stroke in Mar ’09, he hasn’t gotten a job though he has drilled himself to recuperate. My aunt then has to minimize expenses; no cable TV and lesser groceries hence I don’t get to watch good TV [brain feeder] anymore, I don’t get to eat as much as I used to in my own time [midnight snacks, etc] and I don’t get to do my own things at my own time. It’s all been eliminated and the latter controlled. All I see and hear everywhere is Philippine soap operas; I wake up in the wee hours of the night, pretty hungry, yet no food to eat; and hear their indirect discourses of me wakin’ up late, etc…
If I could only live with my brother or by myself, better, I would.
As for my own family, my dad has been in and out of work but ne’er has he been on the dole for more than a month, specifically 3months! Till now mom’s the only breadwinner [and I salute her strength despite her health]. Mom called hours ago and I told her that if I could only stop studies and work to help them out, I would. And my Mom was quick to respond if I wanted to come back ‘ome…[since I got here, I knew my mom wouldn’t mind me goin’ back ‘ome…] If not for prioritizing education, I know Mom and Dad would want us to go back home already. In a way, I lit up hearin’ mom say “..so you wanna come back here?...” as if she really doesn’t mind me leavin’ my studies just to go back there and be with them. But hey hey!!! reality check!!! we all know it’s impossible. That was the utter downer of it.
Right now, our problem is if we can even go to school tomorrow… or if my mom has the fare to go to work later…or if we’re all still gonna eat later…that’s how FUCKED UP my life is right now! I just feel like my head’s gonna fucking explode with all this fucked up shits that’s been happenin'. I’m sorry if I can’t be in serenity…from months to almost a year I have been suppressing this fuck shit and yesterday it started penetrating to my system that here I am full of problems and adding to that is my fucking sickness. If we’re already having the trouble to find money for us to eat or go to school, I’m hell sure that medication’s undeniably out of the list.
In addition to the problem, he got pissed at me for nothing hours ago and he can’t even promise his visiting me here. Damn, I’ve even lost my hope for him to meet my parents, man. Things are all just getting so torrid I really wanna end my life.
In my thoughts, I blogged before wanting to take my own life. Then I wanted to jump down [but don’t know where since there’s only houses here til I thought of jumping down] from my uncle’s van but LOL, I’ll only end up hurt and still alive not dead. Then I thought of going out and get myself hit by a truck. Then I also thought of stabbing myself in the heart and people would only read my last post here after finding out my passwords to my accounts by hiring a hacker, LOL. But after that thought, I saw a dark place with some redness in it and I opened my eyes and it freaked me out. Killing myself would only further impair our situation [wake&funeral, etc] plus I don’t wanna end up as a ghost lingering about, knowing that something’s missing it’s why I can’t go up to heaven…sheesh. It’s crazy.
But really, I won’t hesitate to top myself if it’s not a sin to. Ouh hey, ain’t it already a sin to even have thoughts about those? Ouhwell. I really am down in the dumps right now…I’m not even hoping for the better…I’m just waiting for everything to get worse and I’ll eventually perish…Yes, I am waiting for my time to end…everything’s just FUCKED UP SICK. &right now, just shut the fuck up cuz nothing anyone can say will perk me up.
1 comment:
hey,is that comment really for me?or just some random comment?cuz it's in chinese.but i got it google-translated. and it said "You can from the outside to comment on the beauty of a flower or a butterfly, but you can not do to comment on a person" is that what u wanted to say?
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