here i am

Joanne
139 Brgy Purok 1
Lamot 2 Subd. Calauan, Laguna
Philippines 4012

Hey guys.
I miss Singapore
I really miss HOME.
Dammit!!! I just wanna go home!!!
It’s so fucking hard to communicate with my loved ones there…

As I was telling whoevers...
Ever since I made a decision, I didn’t feel the sadness and the thought of me leavin’…
Until Sunday night; when I was packin’ my stuff…
It got worse when I was makin’ sulat para sa baby koh.
It was so bad that I wanted to back out that night…
And I HONESTLY still do! I wanna back out of my own plan/decision and go home…
I was gonna cry in the cab but I couldn’t…
I was quiet all the way…
all the way… 

AT THE AIRPORT…
I saw you both and I really couldn’t look long at yall…
I wanted to see you agad so bad, baboy.
If only I had an open relationship…d q na kelangan ipigil mahawakan kamay mo baby.
I wouldn’t have to look here and there all the time as if someone is spyin’ on me…
I couldn’t say much to any of yall because I didn’t wanna cry…but the tears just rolled down my cheeks…
And the tears that I saw in you…na imagine ko na asa kwarto tayo at nag uusap lan ng walang ibang tao and just comforting you…
Kiki, I really thank you so much for everything. For even taking the effort to come down to see me off.
Sabby and Deedee, thank you so much for the BIG gift!!! I came earlier than you guys man!!! Latecomers!!! ;P
I just wanted to lay everything out…from the very beginning I met ALL of you guys; but the time just wouldn’t allow and the tears...
You guys may be thinkin’ I shouldn’t be saying that cuz it’s not as if I’m gonna leave for good.
But I guess the long time that I’ll be gone…so many things can happen and I just wanted to say things before it’s too late.
Ouh well…

Aaanyway, when I went inside, there was this guy who was carrying a ‘hotdog-stufftoy’ behind me made friends with me…then all along I thought he was just a stranger…
Until he was making kwento and mentioned that his tita’s hubby was a Nigerian who just passed away…
I made guesses that could match the person he was talkin’ about…and yeah! Turned out to be my ninang’s neighbor pala. Heehee. Really small world.
Then inside the plane, there was this lady who sat on my supposedly-seat; window seat and I was like,
‘hey ;)… you’re emm…sitting there’ and she looked kinda blur? Then I said ‘ouh nevermind…’
Then she saw my ticket seat number and she went ‘ouh you’re supposed to sit here?…’ and I said ‘nah, it’s okaye.’ Then she thanked me.
We took off around 1105h… and the moment the plane sped off for about 3seconds as I was lookin’ outta the window as it lifted off, i found myself suddenly in tears. For five minutes, I wept like a baby who just wanted to stop the bloody plane which I felt I’m being forced to take.
And how dreadful the feeling was…upon realizing that I MADE THE DUMBEST MISTAKE of leavin’ so many people I love and things and…basically life behind! Most especially, the person that I’ve known for 9months and I grew up with, loving for six months plus now ;[

I felt like I wanted to jump down the plane or do something to the plane to make it stop and run back to you. ;(
I just calmed myself down and I tried not to think too much about leavin’ you guys…
That it’s only four ‘short’ years…
I cried on my first night especially when mom and dad called…
Dad and I talked and we’re finally okaye…dad didn’t send me to the airport because we had a rift…I whimpered because I miss dad so much…I saw my cousins playing with their mom and dad and it cheesed me off…
I was so fucked up I just wanted to run away…wouldn’t make any difference cuz the environment’s still here.

You know the feeling of being in a different place faraway from yours and somehow you’re lookin’ for someone who is familiar to you; language…SIGH.

I sincerely wish I get a school and finish earlier than 4 years…please pray for me.

By the way, the above address I’m stayin’ at now…my gramm’s place.
Internet here isn’t like internet back home where you can use it for as much as you like…
This is the first time I’m using internet since I left…
And I cannot chat much because I’m using my cousin’s internet = electricity = money = I don’t have!
I only brought home $83 = P2500 so I cannot SPEND at all cuz I must only spend it for my entrance exams [inclusive of travel fare with whomever is with me…means I’m paying for my cousin’s fare who accompanies me to go around lookin’ for schools…]

Sigh-ers. ;[
Anyways, hi to all my beloved friends and familias there. Miss me because you should! ;]
Take good care of yourselves. And do visit me. Or hopefully I can visit home.
Hi to Michael and take care of him. Ghen babe, make sure ha, d mag lasing yan na may kasamang mga babae. Miske ikaw…hahahahaha!!! Basta. Take care of my baby. Take care of yourselves...I'll see you guys soon.

mga...

New York New York
Fish n Co. @ Glass House
ice skating
G-MAX
buffet
European resto-hop
Marina Barrage
Marina @ Keppel Bay

...

absurdiot

i find it abso-freakin-lutely absurd to have a meet-up just because people found out you're leavin' soon...be it leavin' the world or leavin' the place to live in another.

if people wanted to meet up because they miss one another, they would, somehow or other, MAKE TIME for the people who's been part of their lives...but i guess they have more important things to do than give that approximately 3hours to the people of their past or recent past. and then when someone perishes, will they feel remorse...

ouh well.

i wish to feel sweetness just for a few more days.

another shifting

everything's gon' change within a week...

savoring...

this ain't all hatred

Hello.
Been awhile.
Yep.
Loadssa shit has happened.
Both uber jovial stints and fucked up moments.

‘troubled person’…
I don’t mind the opinion…
Well, maybe because I do not write blissful events anymore? That’s why when readers read, that’s what they infer.
Nor do I talk [at certain places] as much as I talk happy-crazy with certain people?
Lol.
We are still humans after all.
We abruptly judge things by what we see/hear/read.
But it’s never enough to know that person that way.

I just choose to segregate…
Not because I’m a recluse…
But because of my surroundings, I just need to keep my guard up…
Past mistakes are lessons taught to avert future recrudescence.

And as the day draws closer, I prepare for yet another environment-acclimatization…
I can somehow foresee some unsolicited mania.
I’m drained…with elucidations…
But with the snoopy behavior of human beings, they will – with perseverance – try to get you to say your bloody piece.
Well maybe this time, they can bend over backwards and break their ribs and backbones and burst their asses just to get me to speak up…and all I will ever do is give them an ever cu-eet mordant smirk that will drive them insane. ;)

Reason for me choosing not to respond is because I’ve been denunciated or when I reason out my rights, I will be criticized as an uncouth despite HOW politely I’ve responded.

I have been at my very best behavior; not replying anybody with impudence…
And I’m impressed at how I’ve managed my anger throughout these years – lessening the rage display…
But suppressing the pain and anger is more of a torture internally.
I guess I’m not surprised at how I look…

Almost every day; in and out of home, my ears and mind gets flooded by mockery that just makes me wanna flee just to spend time with myself.
But I care so much that my escape always gets trashed.
So when I decide to just coop up in my room, and emit the emotions I have, false allegations will be forced on.

As much as possible, I will swallow the pain inflicted on me.
I haven’t given up.
Can’t you see?
I haven’t quit.
Can’t you see?! The improvement throughout these fucking years?!
But…
It don’t matter anyway. It won’t ever matter until I meet people’s expectations.
Because you are all better than me.

I wonder if He [the only one who knows and sees it all] recognizes the progress?

pass it to me.

things were still pretty fine.
until about two days ago...
i guess i could still handle it if the problem involves just...ME alone.
but involving my LOVED ones?
that's way too much.

i know everyone goes from head-to-toe weak when affected by loved ones.
and we all try to hide whatever we're feeling inside.

i would always ask Him to pass it to me rather than give it to them.
He knows that.
and i pray He listens.
i know He does.

my bro wrote a touching note...and no doubt, i teared.
and now...as i type this...
i'm shedding tears.

i'm sure the last thing she wants from me is failure.
that would just worsen everything that's happenin' now.
i just wanna pick myself up again.
this is not how i foresaw things to be a decade ago.