will edit later...

Good evenin’ guys.
As of this moment, i had to intermit my review for my 3rd day of Midterms as i felt the itch to write.

I haven’t been able to give my engrossment towards my review...and already i fear i won’t do well this time :(
blame it on the workload they’ve been stuffin’ on us and makin’ us submit before and even on the day of their papers...[forcing us to focus more on the submission of the homeworks than exams...] ouh...and plus the consecutive occasions and activities they hold at the best timing of throwing ‘em near, during and after exam period! sheesh.
& that’s just SOME of my responsibilities in school. i’ll lay the rest out one of these days.
responsibilities off school..., that’s another story =.=”
really, who wouldn’t complain!
Don’t dare opine ‘time management’! Cuz i bet even you won’t be able to totally shut your mouth from ranting later on...

Now i duwanna seem like i’m mocking but...if only they would change the educational system in this school [or country] to what i was accustomed to: alott time for study week, study breaks and whatnot.

Perhaps this comes in the package i chose to take on... ;(

Well, so, yea, fine... I’m not used to overspilling load...
but i have been doin’ my best eversince i dedicated myself to achieving my goal...
i admit it’s pretty tough to adapt to abrupt changes but one thing i know is i’m NOT quitting – spiritually – even if my body and mind [and sometimes] emotions usurp my system most of the time. It is – honestly very fagging tho’! & it’s physically takin’ its toll on me, everybody’s noticing – i am, again getting tinier!

SO i hope i can get a good rest after this whole sheyyyt-ness. I’m sooo gonna plump out on sem break! All I need: loadssa dough... ;P

Speaking of sem break...it’s actually the major major factor to my most recent distraction over my studies...i have been chewing over the new alteration i’m gonna be experiencing...very soon, in God’s will...
I have been planning and, in fact, have already started my agendas for the next chapter of my journey...
Excitement and anxiety amalgamated...

Tho’ i know that everything has their disadvantages...i am...as of now...willing to go thru the change...which i believe is mandatory!

&with this,
mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up...
gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Imissmyhome.

business meeeyyyyyyn

i'm at a point in my life where i've chosen to really grow and have considered life as a "serious business". &in being earnest means i only want everything in my life to be bona fide, authentic, and veritable; that everything else delusive will be forcedly abolished...

time&emotions are just too precious to be squandered,&most especially - manipulated.

;P

absence makes the love grow fonder...

but absence also makes us forget...

forget what?

pain? hate?

or love?

sometimes, paranoia makes me think that the impossible is possible IF we CHOOSE to do THE impossible.

but i still have faith in him.

we both know that just one mistake, it ends there.

that any possibilities of turning back and patching up is just against my scruples...

that is why i think...even after this, i'd consider this my pride...for withstanding and maturing this much...

but right now, i'm inlove. and it's just inexplicable.

back to a trash-gurl

Sir Archie: "the problem is nowadays, guys don't hypothesize anymore...they are more of assurers..."

they just always want it straight to the point...too lazy to use their brains to think or interpret....

hmmm....

well, that aside....

it's just so hard to argue without each other's presence...distance and budget are the damn barriers...


on monday, early at 7 on the way to manila, i told mom about the recent misunderstanding he and i had...and she told me...

"let him be...michael's a good guy...i can feel that he loves you...don't be too strict on him..."

i dig that momz...what i just don't get is...i got restrained and scolded and was changed so much back in SG til now to be a better person...and i changed because it was my choice to...i did it because this guy loves me and wants me to be a good person and most importantly, i have learned to love him.

but how come our behaviours are interchanging now that i'm here in the phils? i'm becoming the him that i met...and he's becomin' the me that he met...i thought we're supposed to be on the neutral?

God knows how much effort i gave in doin' the best that i can to be a better person for him...it was the hardest...and now it just hurts so much.

i don't do break ups through any types of communication other than face to face.
i sense he wanna end this so bad right now...and i really hate the situation of me being far away...if only i was there...he'd probably spitted the words "it's over" on my face by now...perhaps months ago? but i'd prefer that...to a coward way of doin' it through phone/chat/whateder...

perhaps there are ladies happily/excitedly queueing up and waiting for the day he goes "single"...

perhaps i'm just not worth his love...but whateder it is, hang on, and wait for the day we meet. then you can spit those words on my face...this is just as hard for me as it is for you.

i guess i understand now...i'm not worth anyone's love. it would be a miracle if someone picks me up from the dumpsite and would love me "endlessly"................

and with that i conclude...i'm just a no one.

choices

you taught me how to be a better person...
to be always responsible in whatever i do...

that even if i choose to do something not good for today, i shall never forget my responsibilities tomorrow.

i chose to apply that in my life.

i chose to put my bad side and straighten my life up for those who care

i allowed and trusted you to do something you want because i know you will still be able to carry out your duties the next day...

even if i was against it...i CHOSE to allow you...

because i was letting my excitement [of us hanging out online the next day] overcome me...

damn...

iunno if this really is it...

iunno if i should start believing the words people are saying...

but hell, im choosing to suppress it...

i know that i can't throw away and forget their opinions but i can bury it deep enough to prove them wrong.

i duwanna prove myself right: that guys are all the same cuz i chose to believe that you're different.

i don't know if you're gonna let your ego overpower you again and finally choose to walk out on me...

but whatever decisions that you make, make sure you stand by it...

12/07/10, 1235h

"i really feel sorry for having been a bad boyfriend to you for most of the time, i hate myself. i dont know if i can still be a good Boyfriend to you.. cos nagpa2iral tlga ang EGO ko., but its too much for me to be asking for forgiveness again. but i still wanna ask you to give me a chance to change and be a better BF."

12/07/10, 1259h

"really sorry baby for every bad thing ive done to you.. thank you for giving me another chance. i really love you.. mwah! i miss u! ....... .. how are u baby? bigat pakiramdam ko since kagabi. couldnt sleep, and no mood sa class kanina. but now Im better. ....."

i'm not angry cuz we didn't chat...i'm effed up cuz i got affected by your decision. you chose your happiness and your friends over me. now you're proving me that i'm not that special to you after all. we've talked before about not making me suffer with your decisions...that we'll still have our 'scheduled' chats. and you promised me that.

solitary

Since i am unable to have a fit of emotions with the only person i always share my thoughts with, the only one i can think of is you.

So here goes...

it has been a very hectic journey since 12 july, when grammz had her 2nd stroke and was rushed to the hospital...just when our fam’s recuperating from the crisis we went through, here comes a bigger blow...in a span of just A YEAR, we paid hospitals a ‘visit’ for 6 times...with a total ZILCH of cipher, it was highly unimaginable that we overcame those obstacles. it is THAT fucking tough not knowing where to run to for help..we were entirely on our own, with immediate relatives offering nada...

ironically, with every tougher setbacks that came, it made me stronger; not much of breakdowns and rants as i used to.

the most recent, the week that grammz got hospitalized, was our exam plus the typhoon period. My younger cousins and i took over aunt’s responsibilities of the house chores; cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, going to hospital plus revising for our papers...then electricity was out cuz of the typhoon...enduring heat and eyeache (use of candle) and sleepless nights just to be able to revise for exam was just gruelling.

at that time i wanted to squall and escape...but i took it as a challenge...grammz was discharged a week after...was a breather but our work just got more...taking care of grammz; changing diapers, feeding every 4hours, cleaning, changing bedsheets/blanket etc., then house chores and studies; this time, a thick-paged(4meetings) report, a one-week project, and many other minor subjects HWs. i was at the verge of sinking...physically, mentally...3hours of sleep out of every 24hours but courage kept me up when mom came. She took over my responsibilities and made me focus on my stuff. Thank you so much momzky.

another responsibility was gonna be thrown at me...to be a candidate of Ms Emerald (for College Day) as representative of my course, Com Sci. For a coupla times, i had been turning down the offer nicely...til on Friday, when i was preinformed by my other lecturers that my adviser had finally decided I run for Com Sci. It was flattering but with the responsibilities im facing now, made me decline the offer defensively this time (stating the reason i came to the Phils: focus on my studies and that’s it, no other activities) as i found they were making it seem like no matter how hard i try to refuse, Sir Arch has made up his mind and i have no choice but to cooperate. it was unfair that he’d accepted others’ refusal and then with no other options, just impose it on me. The paladin that i am, i don’t think they’d be able to ask another time, not even as a favour, but the chance and experience that i’d be missing is quite a waste.

hmm, iunno what i’d do, how i’d cope if mom leaves...i won’t have the option to not help anymore since i don’t have anyone to takeover my duties...i’ve spoken about that to mom and tomorrow when we go to manila and spend the day with her and hopefully with my brother, i’m gonna have the chance to show her my gratitude...i can’t wait to bond with mom. Hehe.

Well, it has been great divulging my current situation to you.

Like i said before, when everyone has walked out, only you and He will be left by my side and i wanna thank you so much for that. Though it’s filtered, i at least have spilled what i think i should release and the rest, He knows...