emotions unburdened

heyhey...
has long’s it been...yonks!?

tahha.

just too occupied with school stuff and conformation...

well, i missed penning...
but i don’t always wanna harangue whenever i write...
thence, here’s somethin’ composed affirmatively...

despite the tougher-er tribulations my life's been undergoing [for the past few years, particularly at the very present], there are matters that elates me somehow; matters that i’ve been bearing for years...and one of ‘em is the recent past i’ve been havin’ a hard time grappling with.

it just happened with abruptness...
‘t’all started when she added me days back which got me pretty balled over...for it seemed so...surreal?! hahah. I assume she has moved on from her then-thought of ‘irreparable damages’, i don’t know.
well, since day one, i’ve been receptive of us being friends after i receded from a battle i later realized the prize’ll never be a hundred percent mine and that a handshake would be better off...but when i was frozen off, i then just had to let my forbearance arrogate within me [for about 3 years]. And all of a sudden, i feel like she has resuscitated and [even] took the initiative of reachin’ her hand out for a handshake... Well, i don’t really know why she has finally decided to add me?
...3years...but i guess even if it takes longer than that...forgiveness will ultimately transpire...[a mishap for those emergently fetched by the Angel of Death...their loose ends would require overtime [with vigorous effort] in order to complete whatever they left in this dimension...]

since she has already added me, i felt that it would be okaye to elucidate the past altercation, so i made the move of askin’ her to straighten things out. We talked about what i feel we had to blab out...we both roasted at our follies...i asked many questions to which she sagely answered...though i don’t know if she was really prepared and keen for that convo at that time...nonetheless, she and i helped unlade this cloggy feeling [i have endured for years] off my system...and probably hers as well?

one thing i noticed right after our convo, i felt like i love my swain more...[but just fugaciously ;p]
i reckon i’m almost done with my ‘unfinished business’...i just duwanna leave this world having foes...i’d also wanna move on with vitality. But i guess, ‘would’ve been best if we had it done with adjunction...i was always used to face to face talk...and just because we’ve already fixed things up, doesn’t mean we do not have any more of a reason to meet? i mean, it’s still gonna be rad if one would formally meet his ‘cyber[lol] rival’ in reality...

To you, Thank you. ;)

restoration

Just like a frog prince that kissed the sleeping princess, you revived me.
As I looked at our recent photos…I saw my future…and I want that to come true.
iLoveYou.
Thank you for the comfort and affirmation that you expressed to me. I really don’t know what to do if I lose you. The people around me are getting lesser and lesser…and you’re the last person that will trigger me to do something stupid. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been this way before...far from your loved ones, in an a place you can't really fit in, being flat-out broke...I don’t know if it’s the situation I’m in, being far from home or if it’s just the malady getting worse…Whatever it may be, I just wish…things will get better in my life. I don’t wanna involve you in my situation. I fall a lot of times…and I hope you’ll be there to pick me up.
I want you to be the one.
iNeedYou.

bullet

Whoa…I’m really crashin’…I’ve lost communication with so many people…and now even the only person I keep in touch with is feeling uneasy with me…it’s okaye guys...keep walkin’ out that door…cuz when the last person leaves and I’m left all alone, there will be no one in the room anymore…I won’t dare stay in that room all by myself. The day it happens…will be the bloodiest day you will remember of me. Thank you all for having been a part of my life even for just a short while. As I said, I am a treasurer…and I’ve been loyal…but I guess it just isn’t enough for y’all. This…is…all coming too soon. I hear a hell-o…I’m sorry if I cannot fulfill my dreams for my family anymore. I’m just too weak to handle this alone. Maybe I’m not someone you can team up with the ‘girl power’ group…like ashes [that I will become] that gets blown into your face, everyone will forget me…

this is the worst part of my life…

crimps

E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E!!! my desire for e-v-e-n a short hometrip reels back, it always gets disrupted! I’m once again losing hope to even spend some time back ‘ome. It’s so hard to keep my composure when something I’ve been longin’ for gets detered by some effin’ crap. Money is one thing…but the worst factor you’ll get is when your loved one has this enmity against you because you have wronged them and did foolish things sneakily [utter disappointment, I know] during your younger days and probably does not wanna see your fugly face again.

When I came here and I had emotional breakdowns, Mom and Dad promised me that I’ll get to go home on my holidays…that they will make sure I’ll get to be there again. Then things started to get shaky and we experienced some turbulence…we regained control…but not long after, we lost an engine…we were gonna crash…and to speed up that crashing, we lost the other engine. Months later, we recovered again but what’s the use? We’re still gonna crash right? Killing us slowly? Dayyymm.

When I was dispirited twice, I firmly told myself…I’m gonna freakin’ do something about it. I was so determined for that hometrip that I decided not to depend on my folks…that I won’t add to their financial problems anymore…that with the little allowance I get everyday, I’ll make sure I save up for that ticket. I have to come up with roughly $40 monthly til december and another $50 for the next summer hols[march]. When I told Dad my plan, he then explained that I may not be able to go back there because of the foreigners’ rocky stand in SG. But I still insisted and added that one reason of wanting to go back is to terminate my singtel hp line. Senseless, that it will only trigger him to blow up his temper on me, he attested my faults[unspecifically] crisply. Not only did I feel a prick in my heart, but it felt a tight crush to see the upsetting words comin’ from your own Dad. His words weren’t really noxious if other people were to say them…but the fact that it came from my dad…hurts more than anything in my life. For my dad to lose trust on me, is the most awful wound I can ever get.

Imagine me doin’ everything I can to whip up my problem and not be a burden to them…only to swiftly get hindered by those words…and with those, I really felt like he doesn’t ever wanna see me…
I waited for a year…
and then a year plus…
and now…
I have to wait for forever…for that chance…

I used to get p150/day[$5] or sometimes just p500/6days[$16] on which includes my daily fare of p50. But this summer [that started from 12 April 2010] I only get p100/day[$3] with my fare of p60…so my remaining p40[$1.30], I have to save up for my toiletries [shampoo/lotion/etc], school stationery[photocopy notes] and FOOD ALLOWANCE. P40…sigh…
12sachets[10grams/sachet] of shampoo is p48, lotion p70+, photocopy p0.50/sheet, food p20++…how will I be able to save $90/month for december’s and march’s tickets when I can barely survive for my daily needs?

I don’t tell my parents these. I don’t want to. I told myself I can bear this sacrifice. They see my photos on FB and tell me I’m skinny. I know I’m more worthy than other people whose lives are worse than mine. I’m sorry if I’m being and if you think I’m doin’ some stupid self-pity crap here but I’ve been enduring this for months…and my patience has diminished-again. My situation is different from other people so I'd appreciate it if you compare me to someone whose life only resembles mine.

I really don’t know if anyone is aware of my situation. But I feel really alone. EVERYBODY is so caught up with their own future…E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. What do I do now? How can I uphold positivity and focus on my studies when I don’t even get an encouragemet to move forward? Some moral support. Why do I have to always make the freakin’ first move on anybody? a simple sms: ‘hey, how’re ya? You still alive?’ might help a lil if not a lot...

I really don’t look forward to that ‘stupid bullshit’ hometrip anymore. If I’m gonna rot here, so freakin’ be it. I’m just worried that this will affect my relationship[I hope not] with Michael. If my folks and Michael all turn their backs on me…I may as well just be dead. My own Dad doesn’t believe in me anymore because of my past mistakes. I wonder if Mom feels the same way.

It is so hard to put up a face on people that shouldn’t be involved with my own personal issues…tell them you’re fine when you’re really crushing up from deep inside…

then He answered...

It’s magnificent how He works…
[As I’m typin’ this, I’d like you to know that I realized this only over dinner till now when I was reflecting through everything that’s been happ’nin’…]

Lately, I’ve been doin’ somethin’ I shouldn’t be doin’…questionin’ the Almighty.
Yet, who could blame me? With everythin’ that I’m goin’ through…
Maybe I could still take it if I’m the only one sufferin’…but with my family involved? I think that would be harsh…idk about y'all…but my number one weakness is indubitably my parents.

Why were we clouted with a long-term setback?
Yes, we have been livin’ through the same hitch for a long time but never has it gotten this hostile.
[There could probably even be a shoddier situation after we prevail this…sigh…it just gets tougher and tougher huh? Kinda like a game? Level of difficulty?]
Is this a game?
Could this be karma?
But why us? When there are wicked people who deserve this adversity more than we do?

&with those grills, I’ve been answered unimaginably in weird ways I never envisioned…
When I was younger, I used to watch ‘Touched by an Angel’…
&that’s pretty much how I received my answers…but in a complex way that made me reflect…
[and right now, as I’m typin’ this current sentence…]
I'd like to announce that I am now embracing this whole thing &i am now accepting whatever’s happ’nin’…
I have so-wronged You, O’ Lord and I remember now...

‘Your Will be Done’

Sir Escolano articulated…
God don’t need us...He never did.
Then why made us?
For entertainment? So he could be happy?
Was He happy seein’ His own Son agonize?
He made us so He could share his Love…
When God created this world, it was PERFECT.
But it was s**** that ruined it and created devastation.
lucifer has always envied God…
Sir Es then related that if a person with no arms and legs [like Nick Vujicic(voichich)] can struggle so hard to get back up...why do people like us with complete body parts give up so fast?

God never wanted to test us cuz He only wanna share His Love to us. It was s**** who has been behind our temptations…he has always been the one testing us. Never God.
My next [&YOURS too] question is…IF God was powerful, why couldn’t/can’t he control s**** and end the evilness?
Cuz s****’s always been defiant…if he had triumphed in defying God, what makes you think God can control him?
It’s now WITHIN ourselves to know whom we should obey…part of His creation was to have brains to think...hence we are judicious human beings.

i think......S**** wanted himself to be 'perfect'...so with that, he impaired and added IM to PERFECT…ergo creating imperfection in what used to be perfect...ouhwell...

Thank YOU for the revival...


&to close this in buoyancy, I'd like to greet US a belated HAPPY 17TH MONTHSARY...[26/02/09]

and HAPPY 2-0-th BIRTHDAY to MYKELOBY ;P

lovelovelove.

freakin' life

I turned in at 2145h and I was awaken from my slumber at around 2330 and since then I was unable to go back to sleep despite my enervation to get up and do something.

Because of my debility, I was forcing myself to sleep again; tossing and turning for an hour and a half but ‘twas inept. And all the while I was awake; thoughts about my problems just hit. From the confusion of why he suddenly got ticked off early this evening to how my life changed drastically to my family’s status quo and how I just wanna surrender and commit suttee…

Flashbacks of how I used to be such a couch potato; updated with all the new shows that I can’t be now, since I got here, just brought me down. Everything has crumbled…if I thought year 2007 was the worst year of my fam’s life then came 2008 and we thought it was worse, 2009 and 2010 is probably the vilest. Sigh. Ne’er has it ever crossed my mind that things will get worse than ever…but I know that when we outlive this current situation, the worse is yet to come…

Since my uncle’s stroke in Mar ’09, he hasn’t gotten a job though he has drilled himself to recuperate. My aunt then has to minimize expenses; no cable TV and lesser groceries hence I don’t get to watch good TV [brain feeder] anymore, I don’t get to eat as much as I used to in my own time [midnight snacks, etc] and I don’t get to do my own things at my own time. It’s all been eliminated and the latter controlled. All I see and hear everywhere is Philippine soap operas; I wake up in the wee hours of the night, pretty hungry, yet no food to eat; and hear their indirect discourses of me wakin’ up late, etc…
If I could only live with my brother or by myself, better, I would.

As for my own family, my dad has been in and out of work but ne’er has he been on the dole for more than a month, specifically 3months! Till now mom’s the only breadwinner [and I salute her strength despite her health]. Mom called hours ago and I told her that if I could only stop studies and work to help them out, I would. And my Mom was quick to respond if I wanted to come back ‘ome…[since I got here, I knew my mom wouldn’t mind me goin’ back ‘ome…] If not for prioritizing education, I know Mom and Dad would want us to go back home already. In a way, I lit up hearin’ mom say “..so you wanna come back here?...” as if she really doesn’t mind me leavin’ my studies just to go back there and be with them. But hey hey!!! reality check!!! we all know it’s impossible. That was the utter downer of it.

Right now, our problem is if we can even go to school tomorrow… or if my mom has the fare to go to work later…or if we’re all still gonna eat later…that’s how FUCKED UP my life is right now! I just feel like my head’s gonna fucking explode with all this fucked up shits that’s been happenin'. I’m sorry if I can’t be in serenity…from months to almost a year I have been suppressing this fuck shit and yesterday it started penetrating to my system that here I am full of problems and adding to that is my fucking sickness. If we’re already having the trouble to find money for us to eat or go to school, I’m hell sure that medication’s undeniably out of the list.

In addition to the problem, he got pissed at me for nothing hours ago and he can’t even promise his visiting me here. Damn, I’ve even lost my hope for him to meet my parents, man. Things are all just getting so torrid I really wanna end my life.

In my thoughts, I blogged before wanting to take my own life. Then I wanted to jump down [but don’t know where since there’s only houses here til I thought of jumping down] from my uncle’s van but LOL, I’ll only end up hurt and still alive not dead. Then I thought of going out and get myself hit by a truck. Then I also thought of stabbing myself in the heart and people would only read my last post here after finding out my passwords to my accounts by hiring a hacker, LOL. But after that thought, I saw a dark place with some redness in it and I opened my eyes and it freaked me out. Killing myself would only further impair our situation [wake&funeral, etc] plus I don’t wanna end up as a ghost lingering about, knowing that something’s missing it’s why I can’t go up to heaven…sheesh. It’s crazy.

But really, I won’t hesitate to top myself if it’s not a sin to. Ouh hey, ain’t it already a sin to even have thoughts about those? Ouhwell. I really am down in the dumps right now…I’m not even hoping for the better…I’m just waiting for everything to get worse and I’ll eventually perish…Yes, I am waiting for my time to end…everything’s just FUCKED UP SICK. &right now, just shut the fuck up cuz nothing anyone can say will perk me up.

Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation

I have been inundated by questions and statements that Long Distance Relationships most of the time DO NOT work.

On Monday, 15th Feb, we celebrated Valentine’s Day at school.
‘twas just talks and coupla games they organized.
The talks of various topics about Love just totally contradicted my belief and my current situation.
Did it piss me off? Iunno…but it probably made me smirk more with every disparity.

Maybe they just do not know or they haven’t heard other people’s stories it’s why it’s easy for them to say such. I so much wanted to object to the statements they’ve been spittin’ out but I’d rather listen cuz I duwanna create a stir, where the whole College Department would all give me the stare. Lol.
Plus learning from experience where my relationships are very public even here in my blog, it’s time I change my ways and keep it classified.

Furthermore, yesterday, 19th Feb, during my Nat Sci or Physics subject, my course Adviser cum Trigo and Nat Sci Prof, Sir Escolano pointed out that Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation being

F – force of attraction
G – gravitational constant ( G= 6.67 x 10-11 )
m – masses of two objects
r – distance between their centre of masses

have an effect not only with us going bald, skin sagging as time passes but also in relationships. He commenced the topic that LDRs most of the time don’t work out.
He then said that no matter the value for masses, the SHORTER the DISTANCE between two objects, the GREATER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION.
(He proved that with his own relationship with his wife, that even as time passed, and they got physically bigger [heavier mass], they’re still very attracted to each other)
While the FURTHER THE DISTANCE, the LESSER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION. and from there he concluded that AGAIN “LDRs most of the time don’t work out”.

I was very much in a huff and hurt cuz I know he’s so effed-up freakin’ damn-right wrong.
I KNEW from the very start about this possibility that distance causes the fire to go out in a relationship but after my wounding relationship, heck I PRAYED and challenged myself to change. I PRAYED that the next [which is the current] relationship I would have will be my last til the end[marriage]. I may not have succeeded YET [marriage] but I can certainly, absolutely, positively, unquestionably, without doubt, say that I have improved and have grown more matured!

HOW?
I have NEVER in my life endured things. I was always the quitter on any thing i couldn’t put up with, no matter how small the problem or even if I knew it can be resolved. And I NEVER trusted any guys because I believed that they’re all DICKS.
BUT damn man! Here I freakin’ am, doin’ all the sacrifices I never thought I could do; not only for myself and family but for a relationship I’m very much doin’ so hard to stay hopeful for!
My longest yet crappy flippantly relationship was 5months and for a sincere one, 3weeks . But NOW we’re gonna be 1year&5months. My longest ever.
So how is it that the closer the distance is, the stronger the relationship is and the further , the weaker? So MAYBE Science really cannot answer everything? Because Science most of the time don’t involve values and beliefs.

From the talk, I learned that the 3 essences to LOVE is:
a) Respect
b) Patience
c) Trust

It takes two hands to clap.
Respect for each other is requisite. If one doesn’t agree with the other, RESPECT their decision and don’t force 'em.
If you truly love your partner, you will WAIT and you will not just leave it to fate.
If you, in all honesty, love your partner, you will TRUST and not doubt.

He once asked if it’s possible we separate first since we’re far away and if we’re really destined for each other and meet again, we can rekindle what we once had.
I simply opposed...for I knew that if that’s what he believes, then it really wasn’t LOVE after all. That just because you’re away from each other doesn’t mean it’s not gonna freakin’ work out right? If he really loves me he’ll wait for me.
Guys tend to not be a man of his word. He’ll flood your heart with blandishment like “forever” and “no matter what” yet when the challenge comes to separate you both, he eats his words... =,=
Well, here I am doin’ my best to prove to people that distance has nothing to do with the destruction of the relationship.
distance is not a boundary to love unless it's one's choice...
Yes, he admitted to me that his love has declined because he hasn’t seen me in a long time but I kept telling him to just tell me if he cannot bear anymore to end it rather than cheat on me. I’d rather he end it knowing that he has been sincere all the while than staying in a relationship for the sake of “RESERVING me for the FUTURE” yet covertly flirts or do things I can never imagine with another.

Worth fighting for? Maybe?
I HAVE once fought for and did my best to keep that person but he was a weakling and fell for another. I don’t know if I’ll ever do that again. I honestly don’t know. All I know is, when I entered this relationship, I know I got myself someone who will not do something I know others will. If he uses my trust and just make me believe that he will not do those, then I vow to never again fall in love, for this relationship will be my last and I’ll just tell him what I have never believed in [luck]: “good LUCK to karma”.

Infatuation’s just short-lived, why waste time on it?







I’d like to be optimistic ergo I’m holding on to the essences of love.

V'DAY '10

Hello guys.
Been awhile…
Hmm, so how’d you guys celebrate your Valentine’s Day?
Any Fun?

I remembered my first real-serious Valentine’s Day…
‘real-serious’ because in the past few years it so happened that I was always single during this period, thus it was all just dates…
So my first and real-serious Valentine’s Day was in 2009 with my current beau.
It was really both a memorable and unforgettable Valentine’s.

I wasn’t quite prepared yet for the day because of work and school hence I had not much time.
I decided to just do some last minute thingies on the day itself.
As we weren’t legal with my parents yet at that time, I had to fib that we had an event at school [yea, like so “yeah-right” I know…]
I was so very late for that group date [3 couples] to the point where we had to freakin’ create a scene at Marina Square and I almost wanted to give up [again as I always do]the relationship because of his niggles.
But I kept my composure so tight; overruling my rage at that time, so as to resolve and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, we both would have walked out on each other on that special day bitterly over something small.

Well, if there’s a lesson to learn from that, it’d be the patience and sense of urgency both on our sides, tranquility to work things out, reflection on the foundation of the relationship you have built [whether or not you just wanna waste your investment], and most importantly putting God in and in between your relationship. Omitting rage and ego as well.

This year, we celebrated Valentine’s Day away from each other aaaand most probably for the next 3 to 4 years...
Not used to it but a phone call’s better than nothing.
And I appreciate it baby ; )


spread the love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

*thinkin of a title*

Heyya.
……
…
..
Sigh.

I haven’t been gettin’ the spur to pen down my thoughts since I got here. Hence the barrenness of this blog :(
The posts I had were mainly superfluously rants and raves.
And how grating it is that I have so much in mind whenever I am planning to post something on a red-letter day.
Then on that occasion itself, I lose the stimulation.
[or maybe I have ne’er really written anything worthwhile?]
:’(

Aaanyw-hatever…what’s a good way to start your morning to do your assignments with the undesirable setting you’re at [shared-room-with-relatives-comin’-in-and-out -from-time-to-time & the earsplitting-noises-of-neighbours’-karaoke-ings] ?

Have your own world!
Requirements:
- “in-ear” earphones [good for blockin’ external noises]
- music/radio

Though… music kinda bores me and doesn’t really help focus.
Radio would be better.
Y’know…how you just need to absorb some infos DJs share on air before reluctantly starting your work? And a good icebreaker in the Mawnin [when you’re all still yawnin’ and stretchin’ not-ready-to-do-your-work]…is hearin’ some out-of-this-world topics.
It’s pretty cool in herre somehow that DJs do talk about sex. Hahaha. Like y’know, how females fa…n-nevermind. We’ll get to talk about this when we meet, definitely! ;P hahahaha!!!

Another topic I just heard this Mawnin’ was about destroying the toilet by your ablutions! And that even DJs[male] do the haphazard: defecate-and-run in the public; be it hotel or malls!
One caller had a 300lb friend ripped the washroom! They were talkin’ about how amazing HEAVY people usually get when they need to excrete. Hahaha.
So this guy and his friends were gonna chill at this BIG guy’s crib when BIG guy felt the urge to expel. They reached his BIG house finally and his friends had to clear the way for BIG guy to enter the house and dash to the lavatory. But before he even got to fully pull down his pants in just a matter of a second, he jetted the THREE WALLS of the toilet with his poop! Wooooh! How Fun! Hehe. And how true it is when our thingies have this 6th sense of opening their doors to flush out our solid/liquid wastes when the washroom’s near. They somehow have this sense that “ouh…I can feel it…the toilet’s near! I’m expelliiing!” hahaha.
Creases me up hearin’ sordid stuff on air. Teehee.



Haaaaaaaah…..and there! With all that, I’ve not finished my work! ;P

Hmmm, ouh great! I’ve posted some crappy shit again! Hahaha! There’s deficiency in my post though…
Okaye!!! I declare!
I’m just not a good writer in the way I wanna be ;’(
But I did get to share my heart and mind out ;) and ‘t matters, ya suckazzz…. ;P [pbbbbbt!!!]

Over ‘n out!


DJs at the Sinulog Festival with full of Korean tourists.
*DJ waves at the Korean* and vice versa.
Female DJ: teach me Korean! teach me Korean!
Male Korean: *excited and smiles*okaye, okaye.
Korean: cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
DJ: cha-gi-yah!....cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!
DJ: *nods and beams* cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!

Female DJ later finds out cha-gi-yah[idk the correct spelling] means ‘let’s get married’. It’s kinda foolish for her to be nodding at the Korean while repeating his words… ;P

s-tuck-mmer

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………………bein’ castigated……?

i came back here knowin’ i had to sacrifice the life i used to live; leave the people i love, grew up with, and growin’ up with……

puttin’ those aside and letting optimism take over…
tellin’ myself that i’ll spend the summer back home every year…

i had so much hope and expectation that there is certainty it’ll happen…

until he had to smash the only fucking thing i have; the elation that i’ve been holding on to…
all was set and has been prepared for…
but he had to cut it off…

the moment i read the very disheartening response from our supposedly happy convo…
my chest tightened and tears didn’t just rolled down…i burst out crying…


do you know the feelin’ of goin’ to school, wonderin’ who really cares for you? who would chat you up, and would wanna go home with you because they wanna be your friend?
the feeling of them not talkin’ to you unless you talk to them?
and how much you would wanna go home just to live through the good times you had just for awhile?

and now that it’s not gonna happen…i don’t fucking see the fucking reason for
staying opti-fucking-mistic!
it’s all just pretense. i never gained anything from being optimistic…

i don’t have anyone here to open up to. everyone needs a friend to open up to and
i just need one…here.
the only people that care about me are not with me. who else can i run to when i need someone to talk to in person?

lonesomeness in this place has gotten me hospitalized and fallen sick many times.
i’m sorry i’m emotionally weak.


i just don’t wanna spend the summer being stuck here.
i’ve waited for a miracle to happen for years…nothin’s happened.

i don’t wanna hope and expect anymore. i’ve had it.



it’s all just crap.






but thank you baby and babe…i’d be thankful if you guys are right…

rant #456234132409654534

doooo!!!-de!!!
how the fuck are you guys?!
i fuckin' missed ya'll!
lol.

hmm, 2nd semester and it's already gettin' tough.
school's gettin' more and more demanding!
sigh.
imagine quizzes after quizzes e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!
sick in the head!
gotta know [but in many cases (especially mine), MEMORIZE] lotssa sheyts for quizzes.
[fyi, quizzes by the way contributes alot to the final gradings]

even if my sched's not so loaded at school [in accordance with my timetable below], i still barely find time for myself cuz i got responsibilities here at home as well!
how sick is that?

if i'm at HOME, mom wouldn't mind the mess she finds when she arrives home from work when she knows how fuckin' engaged i am at school stuff.
*sigh*
sacrifices sacrifices.




iiiiii knoooowwww...
all i ever do is rant whenever i blog! but what to do sia.
when i'm all jolly, i'm either not inspired to write or simply can't squeeze writing in my uneventful hectic life!
that! is! outrageously! ludicrous!




:'(
i just wanna be close to you...*singin'* [more like goin' crazy]




ouh help me Lord Jesus...
strengthen my frail heart...and mind? and definitely body...
that i may overcome these crapness i'm dealin' with...
thank you.
amen.



HOLLA to my chums back 'ome.
i yearn for every single soul and i wish to MEET you guys when i come VISIT.
remember to treasure your nearest and dearest...
make time for meet-ups and don't just meet for occasions like when they're dead and you attend their wake. JEEZ!


and to wrap this up,

i love you.

PS. new layout soon when i find time ;)

carry on

boo!!!
i miss bloggggy.
heehee.
end of semestral break.
beginnin' of 2nd semster....
3.5 years to go or 7 semesters to go!
*phew*...
long way to go? this is the time i want time to fly faster...

pictures pictures are posted on facebook...
ejoy your life guys! take care.

never been this sick.

hello guys!
heehee.
i miss u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u!
lol.

hmm...by the way, it's been a month or so that i found out about my sickness...
it's...hyperthyroidism.

i just pray i will get well. along with the others who are sick.
just have FAITH in God...He will take care of us. Things don't just happen for no reason ;)
pray not only for youselves. but LET US PRAY for all of us.
trust.believe.
have faith.

AMEN.



~~~
sem break's ending :(
mon and tue enrollment
wed onwards...fucked up school...SHEEESH!
i want longer break!!!
teehee.

jahkidden'

okaye...'yam OUT.

quick updates!

boo!
i miss you blog!
been motherfuckin' busy like fuck.
loadssa things've happened.

school has been fuckingly traumatic.
hmm, im still determined to get this fuck shit over with and go back home.
i wanna see you guys badly.
i hope my schedule will allow me to meet those who 'craves' for me.

so what's been up with me since my last post?
hmm, michael and i are finally legal through my folks and my relatives!
how fun izzat?
they say he's cute and handsome and all.
hah.
ouhwell.
of course i feel lighter and ecstatic to hear they support me and all.
i mean...
more freedom...unlike befo' when i had to fucking hide things from 'em...it's fucking tough.
but now i can move about freely...

mom visited bro and i from 22 oct to 3 nov. i had fun. i miss mom. her tender lovin' care. i miss them badly... :(
treasure your loved ones guys...it's hard to be away from em.

ouhwell.
friends...
i've made amigos and amigas here.
but...
sometimes it's tough to understand em cuzza the language barrier? my being an amateur in Filipino language?
ouhwell.

here's an example:
we were at some place in school just beside the Dean's office. we com sci students were chillin' with the EEd students when adet whispered somethin' to me...

adet: joanne, do you know anyone with the surname of "hindutan"?
me: ???
it sounded like a malay word and i was curious...so being the normal joanne...i asked loudly.
me: HEY! WHAT DOES HINDUTAN MEAN?!...
everyone laughed and adet stroked me! and i was like what the ffff...why were they laughin at me?! i asked them one by one but they just kept laughin' at me. so i asked again and again until i got the answer...only to find out it meant "sexual intercourse"...lol.
i thought it was just a normal wholesome word. there they made fun of me. lol. luckily the dean wasn't there.

rapper...

Hello guys…how’s everyone? Hehe… I hope you guys are okaye…
Well as I write this out from a piecca paper, I’m here alone in the kitchen since 7...it’s already 8 and everyone’s been in the livin’ room right after dinner watchin’ TV.

Hmmm, I don’t know how you’d feel...being in a place you thought you’d feel welcome…
I remember when I was still in SG…& every time mom would call here, my cousins here were always eager to talk to me & would always say,

“Hey, when are you comin’ back here?”
“Why don’t you just study here?”
“Come back here already! You study here and we’ll take care of you…”

& now that I’m here… I hear bangin’ of things, complaints of…
I guess me bein’ an…extra…burden?
& most of all, bein’ used as a comparison…&regarding me as an “ibang tao” (OTHER people)…
Here’s one:

“Gramms, why is it that I’ve never heard you stop me from doin’ things or chores? I’ve been washing and doin’ chores the whole day & now I’m still washin’ the dishes…yet you don’t even stop me…,unlike OTHER people there, always so concerned with...always askin' me to help out whenever she does things.”

Cuz here’s the thing, whenever Gramms sees me, she’d always get concerned & would say,

“have you eaten? Go & eat...”
“rest your eyes”
“Hoi, help out here, Joanne’s alone washin’ the dishes…”

& she would always offer me food…if I say “I don’t want”, she’d still put the food beside me…

My cousins get jealous…I dig that…even my aunt...she regards me as “favourite grandchild from the favourite child (MOM)” (she's jealous with mom)
On the whole, we’re Gramms favourite…she adores my DAD, MOM, bro and I.
I feel flattered…but I guess in their freakin corrupted minds, it’s hard to accept & it hurts them cuz they’ve been livin’ with Gramms ever since…took care of her & stuff yet she favours us more…
& with that, I’m adjudged “OTHER people” by the cousin who was the one who kept wanting me to come back here…SIGH…

It’s no wonder why DAD decided to settle down somewhere FAR from family to avert disputes…

I had a recent (last thursday or friday) serious squabble with a cousin who once went to SG on 2007…I NEVER expected to ruin a relationship with anyone here…but ouh well…
I will never let my guard down & give in to anyone whom I think abuses their authority…this elder cousin thinks she’s older than me therefore I won’t fight back..but too bad…I’m not stupid to just keep quiet…I fought back for my rights.
My aunt, unc, cousins, Gramms witnessed the “RAP BATTLE” with the tone & rhythm gone?, even the elders couldn’t stop us…
& there...all-is-ruined…so yeah…
frankly, they already ruined my trust when they told my secrets to MOM when i went back here for vacation...i gave them a chance and treated them like nothin' happened until this...

Ergo, that’s my current life…
FUN ey???
I know my limits…I STILL respect…unlike such people who only depended on aunt & mom to finish education…yet developed such a fucking high-handed attitude, it’s really fucked up.

imprisoned in dungeon....

Hey Blo!

How’ve you been?!
it’s been like…FOREVER!
I missed writing…
with truckloadssa experiences or stories to share…iunno where to start…

Well, first and foremost…
I MISS my LIFE in SINGAPORE…
“One’ll never really appreciate or see the importance of the life he’s living until he loses it”
it’s so hard to let go…so tough to move on…
iunno…I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded with my own relatives. It’s just so different..well here I go again ranting…but where else can I emancipate the heavy emotions I’m carryin? Sometimes I just cry it out but I don’t find it enough. I thought I’d find someone whom I can release it to…
but…
lately I realized that it doesn’t all the time work? That people also have a capacity of enduring your rants? That they don’t always listen anymore?

Eventually, we are on our own…you know that I’ve felt this way before…
[when someone finds a confidant who will not only be there for you but also listen to you and suddenly loses interest…leaving you alone…then you find someone new and you thought they’re the one you’re lookin for?]
I didn’t realize that there really is a LIMIT to everything…people get tired of things; we get tired of people as well…

What about you computer? Do you also have a limitation on ‘listening’ to people’s rant? Do you just shut down on them when you ‘feel’ or ‘think’ it’s just another outburst…or prevent them from typing their kvetches? I suppose not cuz you have no feelings nor IQ…you’re simply an Artificial Intelligence where we users output certain things; even our deluges to you…

I force myself to be happy just to survive my 24hours and I do it 24/7…
I’m fucked up because everything that I do here has a limit. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I try to find peace but there’s always ‘war’…it’s just freakin inevitable ..i don’t connect with the people I live stay with. SICK. I hope tomorrow’s 2014…so I could depart the place I’m at. I thought I’ve escaped the prison…but THIS is THE prison…not the one I thought I was in…

I kept laughing it out, tellin myself it’ll be okaye…that I’ll be fine…
but there I go…foolin’ myself over and over…

All the best, Joanne. May you survive the obstacles and make it out of prison 5years later in ‘one piece’. God Bless and may your mind be in peace…YEAH YEAH…*rolls eyes*

pandemic

Hey guys!!!
How’re things goin’?
So many things’ve happened…

~~~~~~~~~
on Monday, I was on the way to school…and I was smsing…
suddenly my friend smsed…[convo translated to singlish]

Cez: “hey kak, if got no school, we go out kaye?”
Me: “yea, sure sure…but when the next holiday come sia…school just start and the next holiday is on October…”
Cez: “yea…but today can go what…today no school…”

And I was 0,0???…
well at first I kept wishin’ that classes will be cancelled or there’ll be no classes the next day but duhhh… impossible…
when I received the message I wanted to turn back and go home but since I was skeptical, I wanted to find out for myself.
outside the school I saw my batchmates chillin’ at the ‘karendirya’? talkin’ about the rumored rumor…
the guard confirmed that there’s still classes for College students…GEEZ.
so went for first and second class then a general assembly…
Supposedly school will resume this coming Monday but the next day, I received a message from a batchmate that read:

“FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL CANOSSIANS: DOH is not alowing us to suspend clases 4 only 5 days so college will resume classes on july 16 pls pass ths mssg…”

The message is also incredulous…and until now, I don’t have affirmation whether or not it’s true. But ouh well!!! guess there really ain’t any…heehee.
by the way, the reason's there's 2 cases of H1N1 in Canossa High School

~~~~~~~~~
I’ve applied for my own internet on Wednesday by the way…
just waiting for them to call back for us to pick up the modem, etc.

~~~~~~~~~
Hmmm, on the HEAVIER side, my gramms haven’t been recovering from the sickness she got from Couz Rich who went to Manila weeks ago…her fever’s been on and off and on again until last night, we really had to send her to the hospital.
We’ve been wanting to send her but aunt have no money already…
uncle Boy worked in Singapore before then to other countries and lately in Brunei…his family resides in the US and they’ve really a stable life until both his folks passed away few years ago then followed by this year, unc was stroked at work in Brunei on March…and had to come back here
so imagine, until now, they’ve no income. their kids are currently depending on our parents and unc’s siblings for our living :(
and gramms NEVER usually complain any pain she feels even if she looked ever so sick already until last few days ago…
And since I got here, we’ve been ‘visiting’ the hospital often.
MAY= jean and I
JUNE= unc Boy
JULY= gramms
SIGH.
I just PRAY she gets well very soon. It’s really not the time because He knows I still have that dream for our family with gramms…

~~~~~~~~~
LASTLY, do you believe people change? People forgive? I may not forget the past. The pain I went through.
And it took me more than a year to get over…and when you’re in the healing process you can’t control havin’ anger or hold grudges over someone who wronged you…
But because I’m PURELY healed, I now do not hold any grudges on the past, and that means all the things I execrate is all GONE and dispose of.
It was just a small gesture of forgiveness and that’s through accepting the friend request. It doesn’t mean anything else. YES, I’ve said and done things BEFORE but I was in rage…
now that I’m in peace with you[Kelo] I don’t see how accepting a request can make me dubious.
If you’re really a good person, you will forgive people who wronged you or your loved one but that doesn’t mean you can be fooled by them again.
RUMINATE on your own attitude and personality.
If you wanna doubt on me, go ‘head. I won’t say anymore. I won’t defend myself. But do know that GOD knows the truth and I shouldn’t worry on what you will say ABOUT me.
May takot ako sa Diyos and because I’ve changed for the better, I sure do know how it feels like to be bad and the karma it repays. Kaya reflect on what you’re thinkin’ about me.

look-alikes.

Gu’afnoon peeps!
How’s life been?
School’s been a…mediocre…
That’s my latest timetable.
It may seem a cool timing but it’s really strenuous.
I MUST wake up at 8 for breakfast and you can sleep again if you want but it’s so hard to sleep already cuz of the noise…sheesh.
I can barely sleep at gramm’s cuz there are only two rooms, and there are 8 of us staying there. Gramm-gramm and couz Rich sleep at one room while aunt, uncle and couz jake sleep at the other, couz JB, Jean and I sleep in the living room. They wake up at 5 so you can imagine how hard it is to sleep. Sigh. so this week, I slept here at the other house, where I can sleep in the Master’s bedroom and no one bugs me.

It’s so wearing when you go home at 7, [I walk from school to jeep terminal of Sta Cruz; equivalent to walking from home to maybe BPP? Or BP LRT] and having to wake up a lil earlier the next day to study for quizzes; which we have every after lesson. On our vacant times, we stay at school and laze around… [I miss lazing around with ITE peeps sleeping at the foyer/café/canteen/Vivo] I guess every move I make here makes me compare with what I used to do in SG…can’t be helped.
And people-watch!!!
Something I love doin’…which by the way leads me to identifying certain classmates/schoolmates havin’ look-alikes of someone I know in SG!

Mark A. [Izzdin]
Lou [Perdana although Lou’s an exact opposite of Perd]
Vice [Shahir]
Raymond [Kiki]
Angelika [Ciej]
Eleine [Sabby+Yunis]
Shayne [Sanny]
Nycka[Aada]

I think got a few more I just can’t recall. Hehe. Kinda weird but funny. Ouh well.

So can I cope with studies? I don’t know.
You go home at 7, reach home at 8…
dinner, read/watch tv while resting my body before showering,
sleep at 11 then wake up at 7 or 8 for breakfast, bath, study before going school…quiz…zzz…hai….

I joined Dance Club by the way… hahaha. Wanted to switch to Band Club but…lazy sia. Ouh! I didn’t go for practice on Friday sia. The thing is…on Thursday during our meeting, she specifically categorized us [new members] as Dance Club and the old ‘uns as Dance Company. SHEESH! The teacher so strict summor about attendance. Like *toot*. But ouh well, who the fuck cares.

I already have a BFF teacher…hahaha. Diaz. She’s my Management and Math teacher. She’s a dumb dumb. She talks so much but she’s got no brains. There’s so many incidents that’s happened. Thing’s she’s in the wrong, a student/the students correct her, she gets embarrasses, scolds us ~;~…how unreasonable can she get?! Geez. IDIOT.

Anyway, I miss you guys. ;-) muah!

*Tag me guys…at least just tell me what you guys are doin’…study/work/NS/etc k?! muah! Love you!*

first day at college

Blog!!! I’ve missed you! How’s everyone been?
Today’s my FIRST day at school! LOL!
Lots to say.
Lots.
Hmmm, my cousins were all teasing me about commuting and makin’ friends…

Aunt was supposed to send me to school but her migraine shot her so she told my cousin to send me instead.
They’re only gonna send me this once :(
‘s so hard cuz I look left and right and they all seem same to me…so I dunno where to go down :( Ouh well. i gotta learn…
I made a few friends; Hannah, Bernadette, Elaine and there’re only 10 of us in our course but we mix with other courses depending on our subs.

The school and classrooms are like the old DLSS or old CDSS but with doors…lol.
And the teachers were kinda flaunting the newly built-in aircons and projectors. Teehee.
Ouh well. first day…introduction.
Homework for Principles Of Management: ten definitions of Management.

Geez. Then another couz[who schooled and is now a grade school teacher there] was supposed to bring me to where I’m supposed to board the jeep on the way home but ‘twas hard to contact her so her sis who sent me to school was effed up and kept contacting her. Sigh. I felt like I’m such a burden to people and cousins :( always have to run for help goin' here or there.
ouh well.
so much for sayin' "lots to say. lots"
wateder!





mainly, i wanna shoutscream-out

HELLO SINGAPORE!!!!!!!
i terribadesperately MISS YOU and every single soul i know in you[sg] ;)
now i finally know the feeling of being away from HOME.
ouh well, i gotta make something out of where i'm at...so when i go back home, i'll have some worth in me.

tata guys!

grad!

*ENROLLED*
I’ve gotten my schedule! It's messy so I had to do my own! Heehee!
Imma be schoolin’ at Canossa College, takin’ up Computer Science.
JUNE 8!

Hello guys.
How’re things goin’?
Here I am…driven to pen down my thoughts…[well, not literally pen down] at this time while everyone’s asleep. [they sleep early here by the way]

Anyway…I just read Sabby’s blog…along with ‘Breakeven’ song…[the rhythm’s somewhat inspiring]
And I came across the phrase ‘Graduation ceremony’ and….
WOW
Really. It just brought me back to the good ol’ days.

Well, just years ago, we were caught up thinkin’ about what to wear for our Secondary School’s Grad Night around this month or earlier? that we even lost focus for our Mid Year Exam and Prelims and even O’s…
Secondary School days really are just too memorable for me to forget…those were just the happiest, wackiest, craziest, most emotional days I had…I just miss every single person I knew [even those I wasn’t close at all with or hated to the max]…
Juniors, wannabes, geeks, fights, every corner of the school, strolling out of school to the bus stop under the hot bloody sun along the church and private houses.
Our table at the canteen…and around the school where we hang…
Lovely days.
We’ve grown so much…

And two years later, we’re done again from ITE…
Today’s the ITE Graduation that I unfortunately cannot be present for.
I will miss the little reunion with my classmates and schoolmates…
But I’m very happy we’ve all graduated…
Now we’re all busy with our own stuffs again. We will forever be busy. =.=
I still wonder how is everybody doin’…
Shoutout to all of yall. I miss you guys…terribly.

I miss the simple hangouts we had…I miss every hangouts we had.
I miss Esplanade, Vivo City, Long John Silver’s, TCC, the bus, everything uh…walao...even the Garbage truck to be honest…OMG. Yes. Even the Garbage truck…*shrugs* ouh well.

Anyway...yeah…we are all growing up more maturedly, laying out all of our goals and dreams and thoughts in life etc…
I wouldn’t be surprise what kinda topics we’d be havin’ for our 2016 Reunion…

We’re just so grown that sometimes it saddens me more than it pleases me.
You know the thought of working hard for your folks and make ‘em proud and at the same time fulfill your dreams of havin’ your own things…?
But pensively, as we reach for our goals and dreams, the pain that my parents’ feel physically brings me down. I just cannot bear the sight of my parents growing old and moving defenselessly…
Sigh.

Back to the Graduation Ceremony topic…
I’m happy for us all.
Guys!!! Share PHOTOS okaye?! I want PHOTOS of you guys!!!
:D