thank you

Thank you

The past few days, I’ve been struggling to think positively about this failed relationship. But today, I finally have agreed and realized that I should be thankful for so many things that have happened in this whole period of time with you.

I admit I have been blinded by love so much so that I’ve neglected so many things; so many people, especially. Before, I was reluctant to share my happiness as well as sadness [BGR] with people; particularly, friends. I was never open about such things because I didn’t trust people enough and I thought they weren’t worth my trust. Watching my friends go through so many failed relationships, and all I did was shook my head and call ‘em idiots. Because they were dumb enough to give in to their partners, not knowing that they were only harming themselves; although they already knew, they still did it anyway. They’d ask for advices but would disregard ‘em. That was the reason why I’ve always hated and avoided such convos with my girl friends. What’s the use of askin for advices when you ignore ’em and would be dumb enough to repeat the same fucking mistake!? Stupid right!? And then I told myself, “I would never put myself into that situation! Ever!”

Well, who the fuck was I to utter such things? Where am I right now?! What did I just go through? Didn’t I just go through [if not the same,] similar situation? I am taking this opportunity to ask for forgiveness to those people I’ve criticized. People tend to be judgmental so I’m only human…

I thank you because you made me experienced this. You made me experience the pain that my friends went through; the pain I thought I’d never go through. I realized now that it’s NOT enough to just imagine or try to be in somebody’s shoes. You have to experience it; only then can you prove to people you’re what or who you say you are and what you will and won’t do. “Actions speak louder than Words”…
I thank you for making me realize that what I thought I would not do, I can and will do. I’ve neglected my friends, close friends, parents, studies and most importantly; my principles and God. The whole time I was with him, I actually got tempted to do [things I promised never to do] as well as forget many things; things that have been my pillars of strength and personality. I couldn’t believe that I could turn away from them all just for someone who isn’t worthy. Hypocrisy is what I’ll call myself. A letdown to myself, my surroundings; family, friends and most especially, God. [I keep repeating myself! Hahaha]

You see, you may be going “Why the hell is Joanne writing such post?! So mawkish. Like as if this is the biggest hardship she’s been through…”
Well, I was never open to people, a restricted person I‘ve been. I didn’t want to show my weaknesses, I guess. But after High School, I’ve grown a little and I’ve learned to open up more. I write it down if not verbally. [Don’t go further if you it doesn’t interest you…]

Over the past few years, I’ve been in many relationships all of which no seriousness were involved. Why? Peer pressure I’d say. Seeing friends having “many boyfriends, so I also must have lah!”…yea, I was like that. Til Sec3, where I matured so much that all those stopped. I thought, “that isn’t my life, that isn’t me…I don‘t have to follow people just to say I’m in!” In fact, having many boifs was never an “in” thing…purely just to show off how “in demand/pretty” you are with boys…whatever?! Hahaha, how dumb… If you lived here, you’d understand what I mean…

Anyway, to calculate since Sec3, 2004, this is the third person I can say I really fell for[really liked, not love]. But this is the only person that made me go beyond my control. It may have not been that extreme for that person, but to compare, it is. I now understand why I have a friend who always talks about the same topic over and over again. I feel you now. I apologize I was insensible before.

Thank you because without this lesson, I wouldn’t have learned the importance of love and always having God in you. I wouldn’t have realized my mistakes too. I wouldn’t have realized that it is not always love. I wouldn’t have realized that it is NEVER love; [not at this age, not for me at least.] Really, it’s just attraction, attraction with feelings. To those who are “loving” now, you don’t have to agree/disagree with me. I’m not asking for opinions but if you want to, go ahead. But do Respect mine as I will respect yours.
I have to love myself again, before I can love someone else.

Having been with many different boys, I’ve seen many different types of guys, many are the same, and only a few stand out. Not that those really count because they were of puppy love but still, you can somehow observe things. To think of it all, I’ve never been in a serious relationship til my last two[i forgot who, lol]. Yet this is the worst.

Hate me, love me, but all I can say is you have underestimated me, in the kind of person I am.