self aversion

a hopeless, useless, spoiled, dumb person...
always depending on people...
and they're probably fed up with her. [tell me about it; she's fed up with herself too]
her parents baby her so much, they think she's been obedient all along.
she's been givin' them the thumbs-up when asked about her studies, they don't know how bad she's already doin' at school.
she has become a responsibility to her friends; havin' to get up early just to give her a wake-up call, and then sleeping back or sometimes they don't already.
what a burden to them, huh.
people think she takes things lightly all the freakin' time, with that smile,
with her actions; the "why so serious?"/"i don't care"-facade.
and with that stupid face she portrays, the teachers probably think she doesn't care, and deserves to be punished for her actions...
but at the end of the happy day she had with people, she'd hate herself because she knows she needs help somehow...she just don't know - of what kind.

can she ever prove to people she can be independent and have self-discipline?
she's been trying...
still is...

~
i was supressing my tears on the way to school. i restrained it for as long as i could but for the fifth time it just had to fall - in the bus. it may seem to be a small problem to other people, another pettiness...but it isn't - for me.

i got up this mornin' at eight; the time my class starts...looked at my phone and saw the missed-call and message javier sent me - just minutes before i got up. and for the umpteenth time, i got mad...not at javier but at myself. and the question just kept bombarding my mind: if people hadn't called me at all, will i wake up? just because he called at this time, will i then only get up?

it's my fault for not goin' to school everyday, for delaying my assignments, and for getting unwanted results in the end...and then i grumble, and as if it's other people's fault, they take pity on me and help me out. sigh.
i sincerely apologize if i had vented my anger on any of you [i hope i did not].
but if not replying to any of your messages or not attending to your calls, i just need to be alone. and i guess i'm embarrassed for all the concern you guys have for me too.

seeing my parents notice my sudden change of mood, i just felt like breaking down and tell them i haven't been a good daughter and student...and i don't know if i can fulfil their hopes of goin' to poly...'cos they think i can...but when i look at myself right now...i don't know.
they come home from work everyday and they have to do the housework while i sit my ass down here doin' unnecessary things...
when i have sudden craves, they would go down and get what i want...[i don't have to go on; you probably already know how lovely parents they are to me]...and i really don't know what i'd do without them.

i just wanna let you know i'm weak. it hurts a lot...like it's gonna explode...but whatever...i'm doin the best i can to strengthen myself and fight whatever it is i'm feeling. i don't know what this is, and i probably don't want to. as you already know the kind of person i am, yeah, i'll just take things as they come - naturally.


i haven't shown my gratitude to anybody. i'm sorry - i'm not expressive. but just know that i am sorry and thankful...i really am.

as of now, i'd like to thank the people that has sacrificed/has been sacrificing their time in the morning for me: elroy, syahid, nurdin, javier, izzdin, kiki, thiru, honglei.
and for the rest of the people that has helped me in so many things: pearlyn, tufha, elroy, javier, kiki, izzdin, honglei, nurdin, thiru, shahir, hairee, previous and current classmates and friends.

i just wanna let you know i'm thankful for every thing, even to the smallest bit of what you've done for me. i know you probably don't feel as special as the people i've mentioned, but just know that i appreciate you. your concern, friendship, love, every thing.

i just hate myself. but because you guys aren't givin' up on me, although i can sense you're tired and on the verge of givin' up on me...i'm just holding on...