sighness

~~1922~~
okaye, i know i cuss all the time. not at all really nice for a female to be doin that. butbutbut, if for anything, i'd rather show my ugly-self than the beautiful[inner] side. why? cuz then you'd know who's tough enough to hold on to you rather than you showing your nice-self at first and then the ugly; finding out that they talk sheyt behind your back. truth be known, i'd prefer to be identified as the ugly one both in and out right in the first place than in the last; where people will start to fall out on you. bottomline, showin my true colors. lalala. okaye, that's all.

~~1845~~
okaye, a lil bett'r now. still swillin on coffee; it keeps me goin. well, i know i've mentioned before that i will never expect anymore. but isn't it hard to do what you tell yourself what to do than what you really feel? so then i say i won't expect anymore but the way i feel is that i have to...*sheesh* well, never mind. for now i feel better, i'm not so watered[sad] as i was just now. *grins*

~~1700~~
i am craving for spaghetti. but there's no spag sauce! how the fuck can i make it! *sheesh* i'm just feeding myself with chicken cocktail; it's the only food my tongue likes in the fridge -__-...i should live in a mall next time, therefore i need not go out. *sigh* i feel there are more sheyts to come. one bad sheyt after another; it just keeeeeps comin...

~~1400-1700~~

as of this time, i'm swillin on coffee.
feeling so f.b.t.d.
dunno why but i've been musing over sheyt.
sheyt like what things i'd be doin in these kind of times. i wouldn't be doin or feelin this sheyt if i hadn't chosen that. *shtewpedd*
yesyes, i am feeling down. i haven't been in a few weeks now, have i? i've been so busy being all cheerful, that i've overlooked on being all gloomy.
now don't go sayin sheyt, cuz i am - just a human being after all. i feel like i'm falling off again. FUCK!
and as of this time, words of encouragements d-o-n-'t w-o-r-k.
i just feel like eradicating you. yes, you. you two-faced, hypocritical, false, insincere, deceitful, double dealing, disingenuous, duplicitous, treacherous, you!
*sigh* i just needta release this; i can't suppress no more.
i deserve what i need because i got duped. when will i get it? i'm gett'n impatient already. whatthehell! but at the same time i know i have to wait. i can't impose on things just like that just to make me feel better, i know it has to be right, at the right time.
i'm sorry i just can't help it. the last thing i need is making the wrong turn - again. temptation strongly dominates me and sometimes i can't control it. butbutbut i have to be strong, that, i know.
if there's any place i can be right now, it'd be gramm's. i'd rather be in her arms; embracing me with her wrinkly soft arms. i just need her comfort. the comfort no fucking one can give me. *sigh*

and after all that outburst, my positivity tells me, "ouh well, it'll pass..."

-_~...