beside you

its tough to lose someone who took care of you, saw you grow up and loved you so much. i do not like going through that; cuz it makes you weakens and it sometimes makes you sink. OUR STRENGTH IS OUR WEAKNESS AND OUR WEAKNESS IS OUR STRENGTH. theyre where you obtain your strength from when youre at your weak point but its also where your weakness comes from. i very much envy you people; for your relatives are just here with yall. when someone passes on, you can be with them til their very end. while i, through their hard times til their very last breath til theyre buried, the urge and desire that i have, to be with them, i cannot get. just because we are apart. but its also why i can let go easily; the distance and time for us both wasnt there. i do not like seeing people take their loved ones for granted because if only i could steal away their opportunity to be with their loved ones, i would. although, me moving on easily makes me feel guilty; just because i wasnt with them, while i talk to the people who were with them still grieving. from the time i came here til now, ive lost 5 immediate family members and none of which, gave me the chance to see them off, which made me move on easily, which i think, made my cousins think i wasnt taking it seriously, which made me have guilty conscience.

ouh well, nuff of the loquaciousness.
i can see you try to smile, suppressing the tears. and im happy you can do that. you being a guy, i was heartened when you said its extremely hard to accept that shes gone. i may not say much and the silence really makes me feel the sadness youre going through. like yijuan said, we are here for you.