why did it have to come to this?
i came here to the Phils to fulfill my goals and dreams and you were in it.
i set limits to discipline our relationship...and to have a healthy one.
yet I WAS THE ONE who broke 'em.
THE IRONY i say.
that the 2years and 3months+ we had together was worthy enough for that LAST chance...
that the change you saw in me, will be enough to say that i STILL AM worth loving.
but adversely...WHO AM I to ask for a last chance? WHO AM I to deserve that LAST chance? during our brabbles you have ALWAYS been telling me that you DESERVE someone better. so i definitely am NOT worth loving...
even if i defend myself saying
"it's not as if i cheated...no THIRD PARTY was involved...i had been faithful and loyal..."
my conscience is telling me that i WASN'T HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY in the end.
and that alone...is more than enough for you to leave me.
and that...I HIGHLY RESPECT.
that's why i didn't dare beg much...and even if i want to, i just don't deserve an effortful, loving person like you - anymore.
MY SORRY IS OTIOSE.
my SORRY will not regress the past.
and even if you accept me again, you won't be as happy as you were before...your level of doubt in me will just increase even more...
but do remember always...the paroles of love that i have conveyed to you - were all genuine.
even at present.
BUT since you called me a liar...[a "good liar" were the exact words you used...] everything i said and i'm saying now will all be just prevarications to you.
even if i say I LOVE MY PARENTS, it'll still be a lie to you.
the words just hit me so hard...that even i, don't trust in myself anymore.
that the words i'm uttering are all lies to my soul.
i have now acquired a self-doubt...just because you regard me as a liar.
that is gonna have a vast encroachment in my life now.
and for that, I THANK YOU.
i actually had a dream last night that you SMSed me. it all seemed so real...that despite dumping me 24hours back, you still greeted me...[this isn't the exact SMS but this was what i recalled...
"happy new year baby. take care. i'll always be here."
*BAAAAM*
another smasher.
i woke up...and being the "late reaction-er" that i am...made me realize that WE're totally gone.
i threw it all away. with just a lie.
i don't incisively know what you meant when you said
"i should have told u earlier that im out of this"
i guess you've been wanting me out of your life way before but because i was being obstinate...you had no choice but to stick with me.
the split weighed me down so much that i only got to sleep at 4am...got up at 7am...finished up my fucking project til 1pm, slept til 3pm and got up with a bad bodyache...forced myself to bath and leave for calauan...my body was gonna collapse for not consuming anything since the last "bloodiness" meal i had. reached calauan, starving but i didn't get to eat cuz i felt like puking it all out...laid down and i just started shivering...ella called and i tried to sound as normal as i could just so i wouldn't worry her...i think it went well...well, i'm not regarded as a "good liar" for nothing right? JB gave me paracetamol to calm me down...pretty much worked...and here i am again...
i hope this gets worse though...cuz it's not like anybody would care if i stay, living in this world...a good liar like me do not deserve to live. i'm just one of those pests that should be rid of.
i hope you won't think too highly of yourself though. you had your own shortcomings that made me neglect you.
12 & 13 december convo we had...
you articulated "im not gonna leave u" for 3 times.
and you did anyway.
ergo, we're both just liars...
you prolly had a HAPPY new year...now that i'm out of your life. something you've always been wanting. one day, we will have a proper closure...slap me in the face if you wish. i will not budge. i deserve every single injurious thing you can think about doing unto me. i don't even mind being killed. as long as you get your justice. i am ready.
mdld...was and is worth loving.
gianelli, thank you for bringing michael that day...the day when it all started.
i will forever cherish everything we had...good or bad.
but then again. i'm just a liar. you will never believe these words.
"the one who'll hurt you the most...is the one whom you/you've love/d the best..."
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