will edit later...

Good evenin’ guys.
As of this moment, i had to intermit my review for my 3rd day of Midterms as i felt the itch to write.

I haven’t been able to give my engrossment towards my review...and already i fear i won’t do well this time :(
blame it on the workload they’ve been stuffin’ on us and makin’ us submit before and even on the day of their papers...[forcing us to focus more on the submission of the homeworks than exams...] ouh...and plus the consecutive occasions and activities they hold at the best timing of throwing ‘em near, during and after exam period! sheesh.
& that’s just SOME of my responsibilities in school. i’ll lay the rest out one of these days.
responsibilities off school..., that’s another story =.=”
really, who wouldn’t complain!
Don’t dare opine ‘time management’! Cuz i bet even you won’t be able to totally shut your mouth from ranting later on...

Now i duwanna seem like i’m mocking but...if only they would change the educational system in this school [or country] to what i was accustomed to: alott time for study week, study breaks and whatnot.

Perhaps this comes in the package i chose to take on... ;(

Well, so, yea, fine... I’m not used to overspilling load...
but i have been doin’ my best eversince i dedicated myself to achieving my goal...
i admit it’s pretty tough to adapt to abrupt changes but one thing i know is i’m NOT quitting – spiritually – even if my body and mind [and sometimes] emotions usurp my system most of the time. It is – honestly very fagging tho’! & it’s physically takin’ its toll on me, everybody’s noticing – i am, again getting tinier!

SO i hope i can get a good rest after this whole sheyyyt-ness. I’m sooo gonna plump out on sem break! All I need: loadssa dough... ;P

Speaking of sem break...it’s actually the major major factor to my most recent distraction over my studies...i have been chewing over the new alteration i’m gonna be experiencing...very soon, in God’s will...
I have been planning and, in fact, have already started my agendas for the next chapter of my journey...
Excitement and anxiety amalgamated...

Tho’ i know that everything has their disadvantages...i am...as of now...willing to go thru the change...which i believe is mandatory!

&with this,
mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up...
gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Imissmyhome.

business meeeyyyyyyn

i'm at a point in my life where i've chosen to really grow and have considered life as a "serious business". &in being earnest means i only want everything in my life to be bona fide, authentic, and veritable; that everything else delusive will be forcedly abolished...

time&emotions are just too precious to be squandered,&most especially - manipulated.

;P

absence makes the love grow fonder...

but absence also makes us forget...

forget what?

pain? hate?

or love?

sometimes, paranoia makes me think that the impossible is possible IF we CHOOSE to do THE impossible.

but i still have faith in him.

we both know that just one mistake, it ends there.

that any possibilities of turning back and patching up is just against my scruples...

that is why i think...even after this, i'd consider this my pride...for withstanding and maturing this much...

but right now, i'm inlove. and it's just inexplicable.

back to a trash-gurl

Sir Archie: "the problem is nowadays, guys don't hypothesize anymore...they are more of assurers..."

they just always want it straight to the point...too lazy to use their brains to think or interpret....

hmmm....

well, that aside....

it's just so hard to argue without each other's presence...distance and budget are the damn barriers...


on monday, early at 7 on the way to manila, i told mom about the recent misunderstanding he and i had...and she told me...

"let him be...michael's a good guy...i can feel that he loves you...don't be too strict on him..."

i dig that momz...what i just don't get is...i got restrained and scolded and was changed so much back in SG til now to be a better person...and i changed because it was my choice to...i did it because this guy loves me and wants me to be a good person and most importantly, i have learned to love him.

but how come our behaviours are interchanging now that i'm here in the phils? i'm becoming the him that i met...and he's becomin' the me that he met...i thought we're supposed to be on the neutral?

God knows how much effort i gave in doin' the best that i can to be a better person for him...it was the hardest...and now it just hurts so much.

i don't do break ups through any types of communication other than face to face.
i sense he wanna end this so bad right now...and i really hate the situation of me being far away...if only i was there...he'd probably spitted the words "it's over" on my face by now...perhaps months ago? but i'd prefer that...to a coward way of doin' it through phone/chat/whateder...

perhaps there are ladies happily/excitedly queueing up and waiting for the day he goes "single"...

perhaps i'm just not worth his love...but whateder it is, hang on, and wait for the day we meet. then you can spit those words on my face...this is just as hard for me as it is for you.

i guess i understand now...i'm not worth anyone's love. it would be a miracle if someone picks me up from the dumpsite and would love me "endlessly"................

and with that i conclude...i'm just a no one.

choices

you taught me how to be a better person...
to be always responsible in whatever i do...

that even if i choose to do something not good for today, i shall never forget my responsibilities tomorrow.

i chose to apply that in my life.

i chose to put my bad side and straighten my life up for those who care

i allowed and trusted you to do something you want because i know you will still be able to carry out your duties the next day...

even if i was against it...i CHOSE to allow you...

because i was letting my excitement [of us hanging out online the next day] overcome me...

damn...

iunno if this really is it...

iunno if i should start believing the words people are saying...

but hell, im choosing to suppress it...

i know that i can't throw away and forget their opinions but i can bury it deep enough to prove them wrong.

i duwanna prove myself right: that guys are all the same cuz i chose to believe that you're different.

i don't know if you're gonna let your ego overpower you again and finally choose to walk out on me...

but whatever decisions that you make, make sure you stand by it...

12/07/10, 1235h

"i really feel sorry for having been a bad boyfriend to you for most of the time, i hate myself. i dont know if i can still be a good Boyfriend to you.. cos nagpa2iral tlga ang EGO ko., but its too much for me to be asking for forgiveness again. but i still wanna ask you to give me a chance to change and be a better BF."

12/07/10, 1259h

"really sorry baby for every bad thing ive done to you.. thank you for giving me another chance. i really love you.. mwah! i miss u! ....... .. how are u baby? bigat pakiramdam ko since kagabi. couldnt sleep, and no mood sa class kanina. but now Im better. ....."

i'm not angry cuz we didn't chat...i'm effed up cuz i got affected by your decision. you chose your happiness and your friends over me. now you're proving me that i'm not that special to you after all. we've talked before about not making me suffer with your decisions...that we'll still have our 'scheduled' chats. and you promised me that.

solitary

Since i am unable to have a fit of emotions with the only person i always share my thoughts with, the only one i can think of is you.

So here goes...

it has been a very hectic journey since 12 july, when grammz had her 2nd stroke and was rushed to the hospital...just when our fam’s recuperating from the crisis we went through, here comes a bigger blow...in a span of just A YEAR, we paid hospitals a ‘visit’ for 6 times...with a total ZILCH of cipher, it was highly unimaginable that we overcame those obstacles. it is THAT fucking tough not knowing where to run to for help..we were entirely on our own, with immediate relatives offering nada...

ironically, with every tougher setbacks that came, it made me stronger; not much of breakdowns and rants as i used to.

the most recent, the week that grammz got hospitalized, was our exam plus the typhoon period. My younger cousins and i took over aunt’s responsibilities of the house chores; cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, going to hospital plus revising for our papers...then electricity was out cuz of the typhoon...enduring heat and eyeache (use of candle) and sleepless nights just to be able to revise for exam was just gruelling.

at that time i wanted to squall and escape...but i took it as a challenge...grammz was discharged a week after...was a breather but our work just got more...taking care of grammz; changing diapers, feeding every 4hours, cleaning, changing bedsheets/blanket etc., then house chores and studies; this time, a thick-paged(4meetings) report, a one-week project, and many other minor subjects HWs. i was at the verge of sinking...physically, mentally...3hours of sleep out of every 24hours but courage kept me up when mom came. She took over my responsibilities and made me focus on my stuff. Thank you so much momzky.

another responsibility was gonna be thrown at me...to be a candidate of Ms Emerald (for College Day) as representative of my course, Com Sci. For a coupla times, i had been turning down the offer nicely...til on Friday, when i was preinformed by my other lecturers that my adviser had finally decided I run for Com Sci. It was flattering but with the responsibilities im facing now, made me decline the offer defensively this time (stating the reason i came to the Phils: focus on my studies and that’s it, no other activities) as i found they were making it seem like no matter how hard i try to refuse, Sir Arch has made up his mind and i have no choice but to cooperate. it was unfair that he’d accepted others’ refusal and then with no other options, just impose it on me. The paladin that i am, i don’t think they’d be able to ask another time, not even as a favour, but the chance and experience that i’d be missing is quite a waste.

hmm, iunno what i’d do, how i’d cope if mom leaves...i won’t have the option to not help anymore since i don’t have anyone to takeover my duties...i’ve spoken about that to mom and tomorrow when we go to manila and spend the day with her and hopefully with my brother, i’m gonna have the chance to show her my gratitude...i can’t wait to bond with mom. Hehe.

Well, it has been great divulging my current situation to you.

Like i said before, when everyone has walked out, only you and He will be left by my side and i wanna thank you so much for that. Though it’s filtered, i at least have spilled what i think i should release and the rest, He knows...

emotions unburdened

heyhey...
has long’s it been...yonks!?

tahha.

just too occupied with school stuff and conformation...

well, i missed penning...
but i don’t always wanna harangue whenever i write...
thence, here’s somethin’ composed affirmatively...

despite the tougher-er tribulations my life's been undergoing [for the past few years, particularly at the very present], there are matters that elates me somehow; matters that i’ve been bearing for years...and one of ‘em is the recent past i’ve been havin’ a hard time grappling with.

it just happened with abruptness...
‘t’all started when she added me days back which got me pretty balled over...for it seemed so...surreal?! hahah. I assume she has moved on from her then-thought of ‘irreparable damages’, i don’t know.
well, since day one, i’ve been receptive of us being friends after i receded from a battle i later realized the prize’ll never be a hundred percent mine and that a handshake would be better off...but when i was frozen off, i then just had to let my forbearance arrogate within me [for about 3 years]. And all of a sudden, i feel like she has resuscitated and [even] took the initiative of reachin’ her hand out for a handshake... Well, i don’t really know why she has finally decided to add me?
...3years...but i guess even if it takes longer than that...forgiveness will ultimately transpire...[a mishap for those emergently fetched by the Angel of Death...their loose ends would require overtime [with vigorous effort] in order to complete whatever they left in this dimension...]

since she has already added me, i felt that it would be okaye to elucidate the past altercation, so i made the move of askin’ her to straighten things out. We talked about what i feel we had to blab out...we both roasted at our follies...i asked many questions to which she sagely answered...though i don’t know if she was really prepared and keen for that convo at that time...nonetheless, she and i helped unlade this cloggy feeling [i have endured for years] off my system...and probably hers as well?

one thing i noticed right after our convo, i felt like i love my swain more...[but just fugaciously ;p]
i reckon i’m almost done with my ‘unfinished business’...i just duwanna leave this world having foes...i’d also wanna move on with vitality. But i guess, ‘would’ve been best if we had it done with adjunction...i was always used to face to face talk...and just because we’ve already fixed things up, doesn’t mean we do not have any more of a reason to meet? i mean, it’s still gonna be rad if one would formally meet his ‘cyber[lol] rival’ in reality...

To you, Thank you. ;)

restoration

Just like a frog prince that kissed the sleeping princess, you revived me.
As I looked at our recent photos…I saw my future…and I want that to come true.
iLoveYou.
Thank you for the comfort and affirmation that you expressed to me. I really don’t know what to do if I lose you. The people around me are getting lesser and lesser…and you’re the last person that will trigger me to do something stupid. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been this way before...far from your loved ones, in an a place you can't really fit in, being flat-out broke...I don’t know if it’s the situation I’m in, being far from home or if it’s just the malady getting worse…Whatever it may be, I just wish…things will get better in my life. I don’t wanna involve you in my situation. I fall a lot of times…and I hope you’ll be there to pick me up.
I want you to be the one.
iNeedYou.

bullet

Whoa…I’m really crashin’…I’ve lost communication with so many people…and now even the only person I keep in touch with is feeling uneasy with me…it’s okaye guys...keep walkin’ out that door…cuz when the last person leaves and I’m left all alone, there will be no one in the room anymore…I won’t dare stay in that room all by myself. The day it happens…will be the bloodiest day you will remember of me. Thank you all for having been a part of my life even for just a short while. As I said, I am a treasurer…and I’ve been loyal…but I guess it just isn’t enough for y’all. This…is…all coming too soon. I hear a hell-o…I’m sorry if I cannot fulfill my dreams for my family anymore. I’m just too weak to handle this alone. Maybe I’m not someone you can team up with the ‘girl power’ group…like ashes [that I will become] that gets blown into your face, everyone will forget me…

this is the worst part of my life…

crimps

E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E!!! my desire for e-v-e-n a short hometrip reels back, it always gets disrupted! I’m once again losing hope to even spend some time back ‘ome. It’s so hard to keep my composure when something I’ve been longin’ for gets detered by some effin’ crap. Money is one thing…but the worst factor you’ll get is when your loved one has this enmity against you because you have wronged them and did foolish things sneakily [utter disappointment, I know] during your younger days and probably does not wanna see your fugly face again.

When I came here and I had emotional breakdowns, Mom and Dad promised me that I’ll get to go home on my holidays…that they will make sure I’ll get to be there again. Then things started to get shaky and we experienced some turbulence…we regained control…but not long after, we lost an engine…we were gonna crash…and to speed up that crashing, we lost the other engine. Months later, we recovered again but what’s the use? We’re still gonna crash right? Killing us slowly? Dayyymm.

When I was dispirited twice, I firmly told myself…I’m gonna freakin’ do something about it. I was so determined for that hometrip that I decided not to depend on my folks…that I won’t add to their financial problems anymore…that with the little allowance I get everyday, I’ll make sure I save up for that ticket. I have to come up with roughly $40 monthly til december and another $50 for the next summer hols[march]. When I told Dad my plan, he then explained that I may not be able to go back there because of the foreigners’ rocky stand in SG. But I still insisted and added that one reason of wanting to go back is to terminate my singtel hp line. Senseless, that it will only trigger him to blow up his temper on me, he attested my faults[unspecifically] crisply. Not only did I feel a prick in my heart, but it felt a tight crush to see the upsetting words comin’ from your own Dad. His words weren’t really noxious if other people were to say them…but the fact that it came from my dad…hurts more than anything in my life. For my dad to lose trust on me, is the most awful wound I can ever get.

Imagine me doin’ everything I can to whip up my problem and not be a burden to them…only to swiftly get hindered by those words…and with those, I really felt like he doesn’t ever wanna see me…
I waited for a year…
and then a year plus…
and now…
I have to wait for forever…for that chance…

I used to get p150/day[$5] or sometimes just p500/6days[$16] on which includes my daily fare of p50. But this summer [that started from 12 April 2010] I only get p100/day[$3] with my fare of p60…so my remaining p40[$1.30], I have to save up for my toiletries [shampoo/lotion/etc], school stationery[photocopy notes] and FOOD ALLOWANCE. P40…sigh…
12sachets[10grams/sachet] of shampoo is p48, lotion p70+, photocopy p0.50/sheet, food p20++…how will I be able to save $90/month for december’s and march’s tickets when I can barely survive for my daily needs?

I don’t tell my parents these. I don’t want to. I told myself I can bear this sacrifice. They see my photos on FB and tell me I’m skinny. I know I’m more worthy than other people whose lives are worse than mine. I’m sorry if I’m being and if you think I’m doin’ some stupid self-pity crap here but I’ve been enduring this for months…and my patience has diminished-again. My situation is different from other people so I'd appreciate it if you compare me to someone whose life only resembles mine.

I really don’t know if anyone is aware of my situation. But I feel really alone. EVERYBODY is so caught up with their own future…E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. What do I do now? How can I uphold positivity and focus on my studies when I don’t even get an encouragemet to move forward? Some moral support. Why do I have to always make the freakin’ first move on anybody? a simple sms: ‘hey, how’re ya? You still alive?’ might help a lil if not a lot...

I really don’t look forward to that ‘stupid bullshit’ hometrip anymore. If I’m gonna rot here, so freakin’ be it. I’m just worried that this will affect my relationship[I hope not] with Michael. If my folks and Michael all turn their backs on me…I may as well just be dead. My own Dad doesn’t believe in me anymore because of my past mistakes. I wonder if Mom feels the same way.

It is so hard to put up a face on people that shouldn’t be involved with my own personal issues…tell them you’re fine when you’re really crushing up from deep inside…

then He answered...

It’s magnificent how He works…
[As I’m typin’ this, I’d like you to know that I realized this only over dinner till now when I was reflecting through everything that’s been happ’nin’…]

Lately, I’ve been doin’ somethin’ I shouldn’t be doin’…questionin’ the Almighty.
Yet, who could blame me? With everythin’ that I’m goin’ through…
Maybe I could still take it if I’m the only one sufferin’…but with my family involved? I think that would be harsh…idk about y'all…but my number one weakness is indubitably my parents.

Why were we clouted with a long-term setback?
Yes, we have been livin’ through the same hitch for a long time but never has it gotten this hostile.
[There could probably even be a shoddier situation after we prevail this…sigh…it just gets tougher and tougher huh? Kinda like a game? Level of difficulty?]
Is this a game?
Could this be karma?
But why us? When there are wicked people who deserve this adversity more than we do?

&with those grills, I’ve been answered unimaginably in weird ways I never envisioned…
When I was younger, I used to watch ‘Touched by an Angel’…
&that’s pretty much how I received my answers…but in a complex way that made me reflect…
[and right now, as I’m typin’ this current sentence…]
I'd like to announce that I am now embracing this whole thing &i am now accepting whatever’s happ’nin’…
I have so-wronged You, O’ Lord and I remember now...

‘Your Will be Done’

Sir Escolano articulated…
God don’t need us...He never did.
Then why made us?
For entertainment? So he could be happy?
Was He happy seein’ His own Son agonize?
He made us so He could share his Love…
When God created this world, it was PERFECT.
But it was s**** that ruined it and created devastation.
lucifer has always envied God…
Sir Es then related that if a person with no arms and legs [like Nick Vujicic(voichich)] can struggle so hard to get back up...why do people like us with complete body parts give up so fast?

God never wanted to test us cuz He only wanna share His Love to us. It was s**** who has been behind our temptations…he has always been the one testing us. Never God.
My next [&YOURS too] question is…IF God was powerful, why couldn’t/can’t he control s**** and end the evilness?
Cuz s****’s always been defiant…if he had triumphed in defying God, what makes you think God can control him?
It’s now WITHIN ourselves to know whom we should obey…part of His creation was to have brains to think...hence we are judicious human beings.

i think......S**** wanted himself to be 'perfect'...so with that, he impaired and added IM to PERFECT…ergo creating imperfection in what used to be perfect...ouhwell...

Thank YOU for the revival...


&to close this in buoyancy, I'd like to greet US a belated HAPPY 17TH MONTHSARY...[26/02/09]

and HAPPY 2-0-th BIRTHDAY to MYKELOBY ;P

lovelovelove.

freakin' life

I turned in at 2145h and I was awaken from my slumber at around 2330 and since then I was unable to go back to sleep despite my enervation to get up and do something.

Because of my debility, I was forcing myself to sleep again; tossing and turning for an hour and a half but ‘twas inept. And all the while I was awake; thoughts about my problems just hit. From the confusion of why he suddenly got ticked off early this evening to how my life changed drastically to my family’s status quo and how I just wanna surrender and commit suttee…

Flashbacks of how I used to be such a couch potato; updated with all the new shows that I can’t be now, since I got here, just brought me down. Everything has crumbled…if I thought year 2007 was the worst year of my fam’s life then came 2008 and we thought it was worse, 2009 and 2010 is probably the vilest. Sigh. Ne’er has it ever crossed my mind that things will get worse than ever…but I know that when we outlive this current situation, the worse is yet to come…

Since my uncle’s stroke in Mar ’09, he hasn’t gotten a job though he has drilled himself to recuperate. My aunt then has to minimize expenses; no cable TV and lesser groceries hence I don’t get to watch good TV [brain feeder] anymore, I don’t get to eat as much as I used to in my own time [midnight snacks, etc] and I don’t get to do my own things at my own time. It’s all been eliminated and the latter controlled. All I see and hear everywhere is Philippine soap operas; I wake up in the wee hours of the night, pretty hungry, yet no food to eat; and hear their indirect discourses of me wakin’ up late, etc…
If I could only live with my brother or by myself, better, I would.

As for my own family, my dad has been in and out of work but ne’er has he been on the dole for more than a month, specifically 3months! Till now mom’s the only breadwinner [and I salute her strength despite her health]. Mom called hours ago and I told her that if I could only stop studies and work to help them out, I would. And my Mom was quick to respond if I wanted to come back ‘ome…[since I got here, I knew my mom wouldn’t mind me goin’ back ‘ome…] If not for prioritizing education, I know Mom and Dad would want us to go back home already. In a way, I lit up hearin’ mom say “..so you wanna come back here?...” as if she really doesn’t mind me leavin’ my studies just to go back there and be with them. But hey hey!!! reality check!!! we all know it’s impossible. That was the utter downer of it.

Right now, our problem is if we can even go to school tomorrow… or if my mom has the fare to go to work later…or if we’re all still gonna eat later…that’s how FUCKED UP my life is right now! I just feel like my head’s gonna fucking explode with all this fucked up shits that’s been happenin'. I’m sorry if I can’t be in serenity…from months to almost a year I have been suppressing this fuck shit and yesterday it started penetrating to my system that here I am full of problems and adding to that is my fucking sickness. If we’re already having the trouble to find money for us to eat or go to school, I’m hell sure that medication’s undeniably out of the list.

In addition to the problem, he got pissed at me for nothing hours ago and he can’t even promise his visiting me here. Damn, I’ve even lost my hope for him to meet my parents, man. Things are all just getting so torrid I really wanna end my life.

In my thoughts, I blogged before wanting to take my own life. Then I wanted to jump down [but don’t know where since there’s only houses here til I thought of jumping down] from my uncle’s van but LOL, I’ll only end up hurt and still alive not dead. Then I thought of going out and get myself hit by a truck. Then I also thought of stabbing myself in the heart and people would only read my last post here after finding out my passwords to my accounts by hiring a hacker, LOL. But after that thought, I saw a dark place with some redness in it and I opened my eyes and it freaked me out. Killing myself would only further impair our situation [wake&funeral, etc] plus I don’t wanna end up as a ghost lingering about, knowing that something’s missing it’s why I can’t go up to heaven…sheesh. It’s crazy.

But really, I won’t hesitate to top myself if it’s not a sin to. Ouh hey, ain’t it already a sin to even have thoughts about those? Ouhwell. I really am down in the dumps right now…I’m not even hoping for the better…I’m just waiting for everything to get worse and I’ll eventually perish…Yes, I am waiting for my time to end…everything’s just FUCKED UP SICK. &right now, just shut the fuck up cuz nothing anyone can say will perk me up.

Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation

I have been inundated by questions and statements that Long Distance Relationships most of the time DO NOT work.

On Monday, 15th Feb, we celebrated Valentine’s Day at school.
‘twas just talks and coupla games they organized.
The talks of various topics about Love just totally contradicted my belief and my current situation.
Did it piss me off? Iunno…but it probably made me smirk more with every disparity.

Maybe they just do not know or they haven’t heard other people’s stories it’s why it’s easy for them to say such. I so much wanted to object to the statements they’ve been spittin’ out but I’d rather listen cuz I duwanna create a stir, where the whole College Department would all give me the stare. Lol.
Plus learning from experience where my relationships are very public even here in my blog, it’s time I change my ways and keep it classified.

Furthermore, yesterday, 19th Feb, during my Nat Sci or Physics subject, my course Adviser cum Trigo and Nat Sci Prof, Sir Escolano pointed out that Newton’s Universal Law of Gravitation being

F – force of attraction
G – gravitational constant ( G= 6.67 x 10-11 )
m – masses of two objects
r – distance between their centre of masses

have an effect not only with us going bald, skin sagging as time passes but also in relationships. He commenced the topic that LDRs most of the time don’t work out.
He then said that no matter the value for masses, the SHORTER the DISTANCE between two objects, the GREATER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION.
(He proved that with his own relationship with his wife, that even as time passed, and they got physically bigger [heavier mass], they’re still very attracted to each other)
While the FURTHER THE DISTANCE, the LESSER the FORCE OF ATTRACTION. and from there he concluded that AGAIN “LDRs most of the time don’t work out”.

I was very much in a huff and hurt cuz I know he’s so effed-up freakin’ damn-right wrong.
I KNEW from the very start about this possibility that distance causes the fire to go out in a relationship but after my wounding relationship, heck I PRAYED and challenged myself to change. I PRAYED that the next [which is the current] relationship I would have will be my last til the end[marriage]. I may not have succeeded YET [marriage] but I can certainly, absolutely, positively, unquestionably, without doubt, say that I have improved and have grown more matured!

HOW?
I have NEVER in my life endured things. I was always the quitter on any thing i couldn’t put up with, no matter how small the problem or even if I knew it can be resolved. And I NEVER trusted any guys because I believed that they’re all DICKS.
BUT damn man! Here I freakin’ am, doin’ all the sacrifices I never thought I could do; not only for myself and family but for a relationship I’m very much doin’ so hard to stay hopeful for!
My longest yet crappy flippantly relationship was 5months and for a sincere one, 3weeks . But NOW we’re gonna be 1year&5months. My longest ever.
So how is it that the closer the distance is, the stronger the relationship is and the further , the weaker? So MAYBE Science really cannot answer everything? Because Science most of the time don’t involve values and beliefs.

From the talk, I learned that the 3 essences to LOVE is:
a) Respect
b) Patience
c) Trust

It takes two hands to clap.
Respect for each other is requisite. If one doesn’t agree with the other, RESPECT their decision and don’t force 'em.
If you truly love your partner, you will WAIT and you will not just leave it to fate.
If you, in all honesty, love your partner, you will TRUST and not doubt.

He once asked if it’s possible we separate first since we’re far away and if we’re really destined for each other and meet again, we can rekindle what we once had.
I simply opposed...for I knew that if that’s what he believes, then it really wasn’t LOVE after all. That just because you’re away from each other doesn’t mean it’s not gonna freakin’ work out right? If he really loves me he’ll wait for me.
Guys tend to not be a man of his word. He’ll flood your heart with blandishment like “forever” and “no matter what” yet when the challenge comes to separate you both, he eats his words... =,=
Well, here I am doin’ my best to prove to people that distance has nothing to do with the destruction of the relationship.
distance is not a boundary to love unless it's one's choice...
Yes, he admitted to me that his love has declined because he hasn’t seen me in a long time but I kept telling him to just tell me if he cannot bear anymore to end it rather than cheat on me. I’d rather he end it knowing that he has been sincere all the while than staying in a relationship for the sake of “RESERVING me for the FUTURE” yet covertly flirts or do things I can never imagine with another.

Worth fighting for? Maybe?
I HAVE once fought for and did my best to keep that person but he was a weakling and fell for another. I don’t know if I’ll ever do that again. I honestly don’t know. All I know is, when I entered this relationship, I know I got myself someone who will not do something I know others will. If he uses my trust and just make me believe that he will not do those, then I vow to never again fall in love, for this relationship will be my last and I’ll just tell him what I have never believed in [luck]: “good LUCK to karma”.

Infatuation’s just short-lived, why waste time on it?







I’d like to be optimistic ergo I’m holding on to the essences of love.

V'DAY '10

Hello guys.
Been awhile…
Hmm, so how’d you guys celebrate your Valentine’s Day?
Any Fun?

I remembered my first real-serious Valentine’s Day…
‘real-serious’ because in the past few years it so happened that I was always single during this period, thus it was all just dates…
So my first and real-serious Valentine’s Day was in 2009 with my current beau.
It was really both a memorable and unforgettable Valentine’s.

I wasn’t quite prepared yet for the day because of work and school hence I had not much time.
I decided to just do some last minute thingies on the day itself.
As we weren’t legal with my parents yet at that time, I had to fib that we had an event at school [yea, like so “yeah-right” I know…]
I was so very late for that group date [3 couples] to the point where we had to freakin’ create a scene at Marina Square and I almost wanted to give up [again as I always do]the relationship because of his niggles.
But I kept my composure so tight; overruling my rage at that time, so as to resolve and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, we both would have walked out on each other on that special day bitterly over something small.

Well, if there’s a lesson to learn from that, it’d be the patience and sense of urgency both on our sides, tranquility to work things out, reflection on the foundation of the relationship you have built [whether or not you just wanna waste your investment], and most importantly putting God in and in between your relationship. Omitting rage and ego as well.

This year, we celebrated Valentine’s Day away from each other aaaand most probably for the next 3 to 4 years...
Not used to it but a phone call’s better than nothing.
And I appreciate it baby ; )


spread the love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

*thinkin of a title*

Heyya.
……
…
..
Sigh.

I haven’t been gettin’ the spur to pen down my thoughts since I got here. Hence the barrenness of this blog :(
The posts I had were mainly superfluously rants and raves.
And how grating it is that I have so much in mind whenever I am planning to post something on a red-letter day.
Then on that occasion itself, I lose the stimulation.
[or maybe I have ne’er really written anything worthwhile?]
:’(

Aaanyw-hatever…what’s a good way to start your morning to do your assignments with the undesirable setting you’re at [shared-room-with-relatives-comin’-in-and-out -from-time-to-time & the earsplitting-noises-of-neighbours’-karaoke-ings] ?

Have your own world!
Requirements:
- “in-ear” earphones [good for blockin’ external noises]
- music/radio

Though… music kinda bores me and doesn’t really help focus.
Radio would be better.
Y’know…how you just need to absorb some infos DJs share on air before reluctantly starting your work? And a good icebreaker in the Mawnin [when you’re all still yawnin’ and stretchin’ not-ready-to-do-your-work]…is hearin’ some out-of-this-world topics.
It’s pretty cool in herre somehow that DJs do talk about sex. Hahaha. Like y’know, how females fa…n-nevermind. We’ll get to talk about this when we meet, definitely! ;P hahahaha!!!

Another topic I just heard this Mawnin’ was about destroying the toilet by your ablutions! And that even DJs[male] do the haphazard: defecate-and-run in the public; be it hotel or malls!
One caller had a 300lb friend ripped the washroom! They were talkin’ about how amazing HEAVY people usually get when they need to excrete. Hahaha.
So this guy and his friends were gonna chill at this BIG guy’s crib when BIG guy felt the urge to expel. They reached his BIG house finally and his friends had to clear the way for BIG guy to enter the house and dash to the lavatory. But before he even got to fully pull down his pants in just a matter of a second, he jetted the THREE WALLS of the toilet with his poop! Wooooh! How Fun! Hehe. And how true it is when our thingies have this 6th sense of opening their doors to flush out our solid/liquid wastes when the washroom’s near. They somehow have this sense that “ouh…I can feel it…the toilet’s near! I’m expelliiing!” hahaha.
Creases me up hearin’ sordid stuff on air. Teehee.



Haaaaaaaah…..and there! With all that, I’ve not finished my work! ;P

Hmmm, ouh great! I’ve posted some crappy shit again! Hahaha! There’s deficiency in my post though…
Okaye!!! I declare!
I’m just not a good writer in the way I wanna be ;’(
But I did get to share my heart and mind out ;) and ‘t matters, ya suckazzz…. ;P [pbbbbbt!!!]

Over ‘n out!


DJs at the Sinulog Festival with full of Korean tourists.
*DJ waves at the Korean* and vice versa.
Female DJ: teach me Korean! teach me Korean!
Male Korean: *excited and smiles*okaye, okaye.
Korean: cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
DJ: cha-gi-yah!....cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!
DJ: *nods and beams* cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!

Female DJ later finds out cha-gi-yah[idk the correct spelling] means ‘let’s get married’. It’s kinda foolish for her to be nodding at the Korean while repeating his words… ;P

s-tuck-mmer

………………………

…………

……………………………

……………


………………bein’ castigated……?

i came back here knowin’ i had to sacrifice the life i used to live; leave the people i love, grew up with, and growin’ up with……

puttin’ those aside and letting optimism take over…
tellin’ myself that i’ll spend the summer back home every year…

i had so much hope and expectation that there is certainty it’ll happen…

until he had to smash the only fucking thing i have; the elation that i’ve been holding on to…
all was set and has been prepared for…
but he had to cut it off…

the moment i read the very disheartening response from our supposedly happy convo…
my chest tightened and tears didn’t just rolled down…i burst out crying…


do you know the feelin’ of goin’ to school, wonderin’ who really cares for you? who would chat you up, and would wanna go home with you because they wanna be your friend?
the feeling of them not talkin’ to you unless you talk to them?
and how much you would wanna go home just to live through the good times you had just for awhile?

and now that it’s not gonna happen…i don’t fucking see the fucking reason for
staying opti-fucking-mistic!
it’s all just pretense. i never gained anything from being optimistic…

i don’t have anyone here to open up to. everyone needs a friend to open up to and
i just need one…here.
the only people that care about me are not with me. who else can i run to when i need someone to talk to in person?

lonesomeness in this place has gotten me hospitalized and fallen sick many times.
i’m sorry i’m emotionally weak.


i just don’t wanna spend the summer being stuck here.
i’ve waited for a miracle to happen for years…nothin’s happened.

i don’t wanna hope and expect anymore. i’ve had it.



it’s all just crap.






but thank you baby and babe…i’d be thankful if you guys are right…

rant #456234132409654534

doooo!!!-de!!!
how the fuck are you guys?!
i fuckin' missed ya'll!
lol.

hmm, 2nd semester and it's already gettin' tough.
school's gettin' more and more demanding!
sigh.
imagine quizzes after quizzes e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!
sick in the head!
gotta know [but in many cases (especially mine), MEMORIZE] lotssa sheyts for quizzes.
[fyi, quizzes by the way contributes alot to the final gradings]

even if my sched's not so loaded at school [in accordance with my timetable below], i still barely find time for myself cuz i got responsibilities here at home as well!
how sick is that?

if i'm at HOME, mom wouldn't mind the mess she finds when she arrives home from work when she knows how fuckin' engaged i am at school stuff.
*sigh*
sacrifices sacrifices.




iiiiii knoooowwww...
all i ever do is rant whenever i blog! but what to do sia.
when i'm all jolly, i'm either not inspired to write or simply can't squeeze writing in my uneventful hectic life!
that! is! outrageously! ludicrous!




:'(
i just wanna be close to you...*singin'* [more like goin' crazy]




ouh help me Lord Jesus...
strengthen my frail heart...and mind? and definitely body...
that i may overcome these crapness i'm dealin' with...
thank you.
amen.



HOLLA to my chums back 'ome.
i yearn for every single soul and i wish to MEET you guys when i come VISIT.
remember to treasure your nearest and dearest...
make time for meet-ups and don't just meet for occasions like when they're dead and you attend their wake. JEEZ!


and to wrap this up,

i love you.

PS. new layout soon when i find time ;)

carry on

boo!!!
i miss bloggggy.
heehee.
end of semestral break.
beginnin' of 2nd semster....
3.5 years to go or 7 semesters to go!
*phew*...
long way to go? this is the time i want time to fly faster...

pictures pictures are posted on facebook...
ejoy your life guys! take care.

never been this sick.

hello guys!
heehee.
i miss u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u!
lol.

hmm...by the way, it's been a month or so that i found out about my sickness...
it's...hyperthyroidism.

i just pray i will get well. along with the others who are sick.
just have FAITH in God...He will take care of us. Things don't just happen for no reason ;)
pray not only for youselves. but LET US PRAY for all of us.
trust.believe.
have faith.

AMEN.



~~~
sem break's ending :(
mon and tue enrollment
wed onwards...fucked up school...SHEEESH!
i want longer break!!!
teehee.

jahkidden'

okaye...'yam OUT.

quick updates!

boo!
i miss you blog!
been motherfuckin' busy like fuck.
loadssa things've happened.

school has been fuckingly traumatic.
hmm, im still determined to get this fuck shit over with and go back home.
i wanna see you guys badly.
i hope my schedule will allow me to meet those who 'craves' for me.

so what's been up with me since my last post?
hmm, michael and i are finally legal through my folks and my relatives!
how fun izzat?
they say he's cute and handsome and all.
hah.
ouhwell.
of course i feel lighter and ecstatic to hear they support me and all.
i mean...
more freedom...unlike befo' when i had to fucking hide things from 'em...it's fucking tough.
but now i can move about freely...

mom visited bro and i from 22 oct to 3 nov. i had fun. i miss mom. her tender lovin' care. i miss them badly... :(
treasure your loved ones guys...it's hard to be away from em.

ouhwell.
friends...
i've made amigos and amigas here.
but...
sometimes it's tough to understand em cuzza the language barrier? my being an amateur in Filipino language?
ouhwell.

here's an example:
we were at some place in school just beside the Dean's office. we com sci students were chillin' with the EEd students when adet whispered somethin' to me...

adet: joanne, do you know anyone with the surname of "hindutan"?
me: ???
it sounded like a malay word and i was curious...so being the normal joanne...i asked loudly.
me: HEY! WHAT DOES HINDUTAN MEAN?!...
everyone laughed and adet stroked me! and i was like what the ffff...why were they laughin at me?! i asked them one by one but they just kept laughin' at me. so i asked again and again until i got the answer...only to find out it meant "sexual intercourse"...lol.
i thought it was just a normal wholesome word. there they made fun of me. lol. luckily the dean wasn't there.