hello to the start of Back to December.

relationship-wise...eh? ouh really? haven't i already met so many "a few wrong people..."???

and have later been "grateful"...???

so tell me what this implies...
=_="

maybe you people can learn from me...show your ugliest side first to see if the person courting you will still go after you...and not cheat people's feelings and show how good you are then strip your real colours off later on and show how much of a pussy you are.

=_=" such a bad move...pppfftt!

damn whatever...

freaking bummer. my wisdom tooth's bugging me again - at the wrong time! damnit. it's makin me not accomplish anything at all! since the other day. the pain is so torturous, all it makes you do is rest it off ;'( unintentionally. 

i wasn't able to submit the help tosh was seeking from me on time...sigh. i wasn't able to study for my Trigo quiz so i did not get to answer anything at all. a BIG FAT zero. had i known, i wouldn't have attended the stupid class and just rested the pain off sumor. i was able to run some errands after the stupid class; @ Walter, withdrew for my supposedly-electricity-bill [only to know the bill will be comin' next week], attempted to buy medz for my damn toothache [they didnt have it so i went home, changed to my slippers, went to my laundrywoman's place and told her to get someone to just deliver the clothes to my place then went SM withdrew and paid for my Net bill, bought medz then went home, bought food, ate, drank medz...still no use...haiz...not surprised if i'll fail my stupid Finals.  damn all the Final projects and exam. BIG DAMN. *blah blah blah*

HAPPY 10th ToshBosh.

accept..someone...

to us all...

i know everyone can relate.

BV mo, isaac!

zzzz. 6pm-9pm just woke up...finally my eyes are starting to fail me again. tired-eyes & headache back again...i so NEED my specs. thanks to JAY-R for having a rock-body and breaking it back in june? lol.

i didn't know mom's visit here will cause my allowance to drop, tahha. si mummy taga oh...tsktsk. got quite alot of expenses this month summor le, how? buy new specs frame, laundry, clothes for defense, send clothes for repair all these. wahhhh. how sia? ouhwell. whateder.

this morning i snapped at Sir Isaac. all this while, he never elucidated the shits we were supposed to do and suddenly telling us this morning that we don't have Semi-Finals project...i was like "whaaaat?!...blahblahblah...who else knew about this?!" and he was like "blahblahblah...you're not paying attention...". nobody even uttered a word aside from Ella. and then Rannie & Abby turned out to know about it like just recently! the rest of the class? no need to say luh =.=". i reacted with a pretty loud *WTF* and isaac was almost gonna send me out...
i'm not rude in public naman, but if the person you're talkin to is an effed up person, wouldn't you get effed up and talk in an effed up way? in my case i've been keeping my composure but this morning, you get that kinda stuff?! dang. that was my first, by the way. well, he told us to see him after class, we talked to him [he was already cool by then] and i apologized naman, he gave us chance to show him the work on Thursday ;)...

turns out, we've been doing the SemiFinal project for Finals when it should be for SF..the Final project is just the continuation of the SF...getz? ahahah. BV much!

y'know, even if he's a considerate prof, he's not fit enough to be one. he's never been approachable, he never make his answers clear whenever we ask for his help..then he would give HWs and projects that's not even taught or had no introduction about. as in dunnoe anything about that thing then we do our own research we still dun understand so we ask, then he ignore or say a few words oni like =.="

then i pay $$$ fo what?! wahleo, one day, when i blow up, i will talk to Dean uh. from the start already he cocking up...wahlau...what to learn sia. good thing he was replaced by Ms Shiela for our VB sub, otherwise, i'd be dead since then. tahha. ouhwell.

that aside, we went waltermart, the place so sian, nothing much at all but better than nothing. tahha. at least i dunav to go SM to do groceries... ;) good thing it wasn't called WalterMart Lyceum. ahahah, corny lang eh. we played a few games, as usual, im the loser. wahaha. wehhh!? ikaw na... ;p

i haven't been interested in FB since yesterday since i got the camel to do my project! hahaha, galeng ko! la lang, share lang...k. time to rush on my projects edi...my failing-eyes so wrong timing one...just when i need to mug cuz it's FINALS. so the kepokia luh...help me survive, can?

when i woke up, my mind was like...

*yournameyournameyournameyournameyournameyournameyourname*
... =/ lessen jo, lessen!!!
[wonder if he ever feels the same way or he's happy like this ;'( shiiii, weak ko!]

& it's sunday...
time is fleeting..dunoe whether to be joyous about it or not..

yesterday, Ella and i went to Wendell's crib to start on our projects; IWP and VB..i couldn't deliver much..i haven't been doing my best, knowing i can depend and rely on my bestfriend..which is very wrong. hence i can only pipe down when comes to doing work...zzzz. but now, imma do the best i can offer..i don't wanna let the people i love down. *goals and dreams* & my bestfriend's undying effort and support ;D
[i just wish we won't have written exams on subjects/modules we already have projects on =.=" the stress is gonna kill me. i look so malnourished already!]
Ella was allowed to crash at my place for the sake of projects, tahha. awesome! tho, i feel bad i had nothing to let her eat fo dinner & bfast. [sorry i can't be hospitable enough when you're here] i have no fridge kase to stock up food we can cook =/

the communication has died down but the feelings hasn't. not that i want it to be gone...i just need to decrease it so i won't hurt. despite the loads of activities [work =.=] i have, the feelings just sit still there -> <3
i'm proud that my love for him doesn't go away...but i just don't want it to be a 1-sided love later on..when his feelings would fade time and again...it does suck to be a girl...being too emotionally attached and whatnot...aren't we weak after all ;'(

bahhhh! emotions aside, back to work. got my camel ;)

You were caught by a crazy bunch of human-eating tribe and they're going to slaughter you and you're only given only one word to convince them to let you go, what would that word be? :)

"icursey'alltodiebeforemerightnow!" ;p 1 word

anything...whatever ;)

What's the most cheesiest pickup line you've ever heard of ? :)

ahahaha, i do laugh at pickup lines...call me boring or lame and all, but im not a big fan of em, neither sweet talks... =_=" i just want it to come from the heart...

anything...whatever ;)

When it comes to love , are you more of an active(the one to make the move) or a passive(the one to wait for the move) :P ? HAHAHAHA!

i think, being the girl who has the mindset of "guys are gentlemen whom, therefore should always do the initiation", i am more of the passive one. ;p but actually, in any other cases, i'm still the passive one...but it would usually depend on the situation...tahha! [im so long-winded....but i had to put the emphasis...]

anything...whatever ;)

Do you miss high school?

i do.it's where i met great friends that were like my own brothers and sisters.

anything...whatever ;)

unplanned school-break

i survived another influenza...[last time i had this was my flight back to SG!] now left with cough, my cough's like asthma...can't quite breath well, like im gasping for air kinda thing. geez. Thank you Sheshe for bringin me food and buying me medz again today[cough syrup this time]. ;) i love my soul siztah ;)

so anyway, typhoon Pedring left and another typhoon, Quiel is on its way. another sucky weekend. tahha, ouhwell. out with the bad news, in with the good.
i had a pretty unexpected holiday this week:

last sat - no school, Eulo Day
sun - no school, DUH =.=
mon - school for awhile, tahha ;)
tue - no school, Sotero Day
wed - prof absent, sayang fare ko, bah yan =.="
thur - sick, absent
fri - STILL sick, absent
sat [tomorrow] - no prof ;) BUT group project @ Wendell's...

ain't it fun?! no school for a week, just one day. wahahah. well, im sure i can catch up with the lessons i missed. ;)

because of climate change, more people are getting sick. last weekend, Ty Pedring came.. well this weekend, tomorrow perhaps, brace yourselves for Ty Quiel. well, it's already here, it just hasn't hit my area...ouhwell, gotta stock up again. glad Waltermart's open already. it's just opposite our school. haha. at least i dunav to travel to SM =.=" i just hope they have BDO atm in walter! we should call it Waltermart Lyceum ;p tahahaha.

ouhwell. we have so many FINAL projects, 5 subjects for me...and we have TWO weeks left. i so wanna scream my arse out because i dunoe whether im eggjamzited for sem-break or the fact that we haven't started on anything...okaye i'm panicking. OUH MY CURRY GRAVY! bbbzzzzshhh! i just hope my cough will scram already so i have more energy to pour on my school stuff and i can work out again! zzzzz =.="

&lastly, i dunoe why i keep getting excited with the thought and imagination of me being back at home...is that like a sign that i'll be going back there unplannedly? hahaha, that's just so far from happening and it's definitely chafing me cuz it's just making me expect and eventually just disappointing me. so i hope those sudden pop ups will halt already! unless of course, there is confirmation! hehe! ;)

Get well to me! ;p thank YOU for the concern ;) GOD BLESS.

during our early stage, it was the season of Secondhand Serenade... <3

soul siztah love.

i would like to take this opportunity to thank my bestfriend, Sheshe for takin' time off from school, and the effort to come down to bring me food and medicine. truly, a God's gift...i've been wishing for an elder sister, and i got it. well, she may be younger than me, but she sure takes care of me like an elder sis does. that's why i call her my soul sister. ssup soul sistah!?

i hope i will get better already. i hate this feeling. i miss how mummy takes care of me when i lay sick in bed...and the fact that my bestfriend lives so far away from me and is unable to be by my side to spoonfeed me everything when i'm sick, is already a HUGE thing for me, just to watch her do things for me since day 1 of our friendship.

i'm so sure the guy who'll fall for her will be the luckiest...amazing. ouhwell ;) she always tells me, "that's what bestfriends are for" ;)

also thank you to my classmates for the concern...i'm just thankful that i've met many good people since secondary school, who really show concern and are good at putting it through actions...thank you all.

i am blessed ;) nuff said.

;'(

three years ago at this hour, we were prolly still up, planning for our EC adventure...i hope today will be extra special even if...
*dumbfounded*

"3rd"

fear

school. today school was the usual.. ;) it's stressful but at the same time, destress-ful...one more paper to go, and Semis are over...projects for Finals are piling up, subject by subject... =.=" i don't know which and where to start & we are left with only 4 weeks. *sigh*

unexpected errand. after school, went to SM with Tosh...initially just to withdraw & canvas speakers [for me], only to end up buying chicken-to-cook [cuz i craved on the way], shawarma for her, Zagu b.k.a BubbleTea for me, and of course, the  Creative speakers i got for just 1300 Pesos = $39.40 [compared to the already-sale in SG of $45 ;p] i got it tested, sounded fine. i'll be coming back for it on Saturday cuz i couldn't carry anymore [tell you why later] ;p

it was jading...cuz y'know, whenever you're with me, you'll walk to and fro, til you've rounded the mall so many times =.=" well i got myself fagged as well.. ;p imagine bein up since 0430am for 0730am - 6pm class? wouldn't all you'll be lookin' forward to is go home and respite your arse? instead, running some more errands after school...just a total bummer...but it's still fun, i'm afterall with bestfriend to accompany me. i always feel sorry i have to drag ella and tire her out but i am always glad i don't feel like a tourist when i'm with her ;) she brings comfort in me. tahha. emo.

bestfriend. i really am thankful that i made a bestfriend here, Sheshe takes good care of me better than i do of her [my being older than her]...i still feel noob-ish most of the time [just don't show it 'course]. it's just so funny that at such a short period of time, she understands what i'm saying with how i talk.. unlike the others...She always winds up being my translator...always. wahahah. ouhwell. that's what amazes me, i guess it's God's given gift ;) i love you ToSh-eshE-lla! <3

fulminant fright. on the way home, i was strugglin' with my things; my full-of-gold bag [or should i say my-whole-apartment bag], lappy & HEAVY groceries in PAPER BAG! & NO, i do not own a car.

the night here really FREAKS ME OUT. as the jeep moved, i observed too many things i should've already found normal [considering the duration of my stay here]...but the more i looked out, the more i got frightened...i feel like every after sun sets, all the wild stuffs happen =/ road illumination here relies heavily on the vehicles themselves, so if you're walkin alone, you can feel the creepiness..[anyone/ANYTHING can just grab you out of nowhere and you'll vanish without witnesses =/] the noise was a torment to my ears with all the honkings, and people yacking...but at the same time, i preferred that to total silence which would be more unpleasant - like being with zombies...DAYUUUM! seriously. I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME PAST 7 ALREADY.

;'( y'know being alone just ain't so much of a pleasure, it tests your endurance on handling situations...well, basically, managing your LIFE. you can really go haywire if you mull over it. i break down veritably...so it does take its toll on you...enormously.

it really is baffling, having so much to do in school, plus being homesick; missing your family, your life before, your love life...

as much as i want things to be back to normal, i have to respect my heart and let it mend..this time, it's my turn. It is not easy, to be said of things you never could imagine the person who loves you and whom you loved so, with such, then leaves you...BUT then comes back feeling remorseful...

as much as you love the person, it isn't easy to just go back like you were not hurt - all for the sake of your sorrow to bog off. i just wanna make sure the next time i am asked the question again, i hope by that time, you're already determined with your decision, you be keeping your words as a man, hold on tighter til the end of my life..no more "be open to possibilities", you'll make me fall for you again and "bring the FIRE back" that will last til my last breath. i believe we still can show effort even without communication..i know so.

yes, you see me laugh, but i also cry...i'm human after all. and there are things i can't let out just like that. i still have my privacy like any other. don't tell me you don't keep things from me...

*sigh* truly rugged ;'( give me more strength to keep going. i just need more motivation and inspiration to run on. in whichever way i can receive 'em...surprise sms, surprise phone call, surprise email...whatever. i just NEED it. PLEASE? they will be blessings for me.

back to work-out...Day 1. i woke up to watch the videos i loaded last night. several vids were of Ciara's. the culprit that triggered me to have an adrenaline rush. i hope i get this every morning ;p i do miss havin' the slim tum.

lunch with the cheebei galz. i was so lookin forward to eat lotssa fried vege lumpya only to find out the cheebei galz have gobbled em all up! BBOOOOOOO! i really don't feel comftable eatin' foods at other karenduryas when it's not 3Ks[loyal siaaa]. *sigh* never fails to give me the feeling of the meat being of other animals' & also the puking sensation i get all the time..zzzz =.="
PLUS seeing my bestfriend unwell just gives me the sucky feeling of not being able to do anything when i so wanna. ouhwell. i just hope she takes care of herself more by ABIDING the rules of her DIETARY and not eat foods she knows she's not supposed to eat... ;'( i hate seeing u like that. stop being a bitch to your body.

reminiscence. the weather caught my attention at Stats class today...
being located at 4th floor, students get to enjoy the heavenly scenery that outlooks Batangas...and i for one, have always loved skygazing; particularly when it's SUNNY; forming shapes of clouds whenever i was at the Esplanade rooftop or the VivoCity Sky Park...

though, the only reminiscence i had earlier that kept replaying in my mind, was walkin' hand-in-hand from the bus stop towards
BLK 202 and vice versa...why that setting? *shrugs* i don't know...i don't have power over my mind...do you?
at that moment i so had the itch to teleport back home just to inhale the atmosphere and relive the moments even just for a little while before i get snapped back to reality.

i suddenly had the strong desire of goin' back either this sem-break [but Mom's comin' to visit] or Christmas [i so sure-guarantee-confirm-chop cannot...ticket prices are just skyhigh]. i wanted to scream my lungs out and cry even though i was happy. you know the moment you get when you're interacting with your classmates and unanticipatedly get that disruption? it really brought my mood down for a few minutes...but all thanks to Ms Tin's lesson, helped get me back on track ;) i never fail to enjoy her classes ;D



awww, i missed this. i hope this will be consistent again. i don't know. i guess i finally got my keen back to write ;p yeyyyy! this is pretty good ;) keep up the good work, me. ;p

19/09/2008

the day i confessed and expressed the affection i felt
in the trite 3 words.

"just hoping for u to let me love you..

I will make sure youre happy with me.

I will never hurt you.."

"remember..."im yours" majo.
naks..  
i will still be waiting for you to be mine and accept me... :D"

One should know what they really need and want in life. 

Determine only after excogitation, 

not the spur of the provocation, precipitance and fervour.

When one has acquired their desire, take them not for granted.

Take no advantage of 'em.

Being successful in life in the form of ego & all kinds of materialism, 

will not make one, whole.

One may have all the wealth he's been striving for all his life

yet has no one to share it with, 

then he isn't triumphant - still. 

"Never give up, no matter how bleak the situation: You just never know..." just travail.

cry

the feeling of missing the people you love so much, you just wanna hug and kiss 'em, but you can't...

cuz you'd rather isolate and keep your distance just to avert further emotional anguish and misery.


cry it out.

Google+, Facebook,Myspace or Twitter?

facebook. waiting for google+

anything...whatever ;)

Happy birthday, Jo! As you turn a year older, what's at the top of your to-do list? :D

be a good child to my parents and reach for our goals and dreams ;) it's always been my priority ;) to make my parents proud...if i ain't good 'nuff to be a scholar, i can at least be my parents' scholar ;)

anything...whatever ;)

What have you wanted to do for years but haven't gotten around to yet?

crazy sports.lotssa crazy sports...

anything...whatever ;)

What's your honest opinion of me? (If you're brave you'll press ask followers) :)

What's your honest opinion of me? (If you're brave you'll press ask followers) :)

Answer here

Sweetest thing done for you?

Sweetest thing done for you?

Answer here

Sweetest thing done for you?

MAKE a gift out of scratch with all the memories shared.

anything...whatever ;)

first impression on me?

first impression on me?

Answer here

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

What's one thing you own that you should probably throw away, but never will?

Answer here

...

those days when the world's against you regardless of the good things you do will just make you feel like fleeing...are back...

things have overturned...the bad guy's become good and the good one's gone bad...then all the good things the new baddie's done in the past has all been wiped out clean and overruled by the ugly qualities he's recently performed.

least appreciated. always. eversince.

ouhwell. can't blame 'em. they aren't the only ones who has disfavour against him. so i won't be surprised if one day those people forcing themselves to him will feel the same way about him...

FTW.

...

i am hard to love.

...

i do not know if this will be the worst feeling i can feel with my bestfriend...
but currently, this is the first time i've experienced the most excruciating feeling of being ignored and brushed aside by my bestfriend.

i did not have the intention of spending my day like this.
had i known i will be treated like this, i would not have waited just to WASTE my time being snubbed.


when i found out you guys were going to SM, i got hyped..for i knew i would get to spend some quality time with my bestfriend again.
when i saw you with rochelle, i locked my eyes on you, waiting fo you to notice me and when you finally saw me, i smiled with excitement...but...
you gave me that snotty look; raised an eyebrow and continued walking on with rochelle...
okaye, i get it. you did not like what you saw but i did not let that get into me so i waited for you to come back from the washroom..and when you did, i even gave you a kiss and said 'i miss you'..and i did that because that's what i felt..i didn't do that just to make you feel better..and i don't know what you felt but again, you snubbed me and walked into the arcade with rochelle, leaving me behind. MJ felt so bad that he told me to walk ahead and walk beside you, but the look that you had, walking with rochelle, talkin' bout things made me step back cuz i didn't wanna be an extra shit, tailing you around, knowing i wasn't part of your convo. that, i respected.
i sat beside you, and tried to talk to you, to make sure that i have my attention on you but you just rattled on with roch about things i don't think i know. i couldn't quite hear you guys but i think you guys were chatting about boys...cuz the tone that you had, sounded so cheeky...
and i thought to myself, how come i feel like i don't know about this, i didn't hear you talk to me about this. then it reminded me about seeing you chatting with tyrone on sunday...and i thought i was a bestfriend enough to be told about these things? how come rochelle had to be the first to know? how nice.
it didn't fuck me up. it hurt me. i was right beside you! on your left..but you chose to speak with the other person next to you, on your right! i was there, i did my part and made sure you still had and always will have my attention but i was ignored. you had so much things to talk about with roch and when it came to me, utter silence. i wanted to leave from the start...when you and roch went yacking and me being ignored because i was getting teary. but i told myself that that'd be an immature thing to do. so i waited, yet nothing happened.
i c-l-e-a-r-l-y wasted my time. i wanted to cry cuz it hurt so much. i tell you everything that's happening in my life but you don't. and i respect your belief that some things are just not meant to be shared. what i can't accept is the fact that things you share to other people, you don't share to me.
then i guess i know where i really stand in your life.

putatively 28th...

i'm not insensitive to actually not remember this day...
feelings and thoughts are effete if you refuse to divulge it...
for you will forget the days you felt that way...
hence my frequent disclosure ritual

i treasure every thing that has hit and hits me hard.
;)

i treasure 26. ;)

i'm hard! ;p

here's what you'll agree with...

3 reasons you'll hate and unlove me:

1] i'm hard to please

2] i'm hard to convince

3] i'm hard to love

cuz i am a hardheaded & hardhearted person.

period.

pain

sigh. okaye. so he's totally taking me out of his life.
days back...he still had our photos in his 'Profile Pictures'. now it's gone. and cropped. =.=
then lesslie...
what a fucking weigh-down...
just feel like really goin' off already...

i feel like Saturday's chat was useless.
even if God knows i didn't lie much to him...
and i was brave enough to be guilty and i came clean in the end, it's useless.

the more i see disappointing things...the more i'm really gonna retaliate...it's just not helping me...it's dragging me further down.

love is unjust.
the emotional pain i feel is like death...
i'm havin' thoughts of it again...
it's crazy but... 2nd heartbreak from a Filipino guy i gave my everything to. even more than my 1st love...
just too much.
i'm givin' up soon.......
it's gonna be a real goodbye.
don't be surprised if one of these days...
;'(

gettin' up.

yesterday & yesternight...was an outpour of despair.

i know not what had gotten into me but i know i still intent to mend the bruise i have caused both of us.

it will take time.

please, give me time.

for time heals everything, they said.

i want to learn to love myself again first...

before i continue to love you again...

i still love you so much...

but i wanna transfer that excess love for you ['so much'] to my own soul first.

i'm still lost.

most of the things i'm doing is out of heartbreak.

the happiness i get from the people around me is temporary...

due to lack of self love, perhaps.

i've learned to depend my felicity on the people around me.

i wanna learn to trust, love and believe in myself once more.

it may take days, weeks, months, even years.

but i hope you'll still wait.

inform me, if you can't.

i'm just lost.

i need everybody's guidance.

your guidance.

show me you still care...

"no regrets, just lessons learned."

bitterness.

ouch.
that's so unjust.
so ungentlemanly...
cut the convo cuz your're being whelmed by your fucking ego again! my enemy!
ugh! give me more reasons to unlove you, please?!
just so i can get over you already?!
please?! i just need more of those hurtful words...
so i can hate you.
i hate this fucking feeling but the more you hurt me...the more i get numb...the more i get stoic.
i just wanna be stoic on love again.
i learned to love real...but i end up hurt.


fuck.
you just provoked me.

i wanna play with love again. i wanna see how guys hurt like i just did.

bitterness.

you are unjust.

i am gonna haunt you when i fucking die.

son of a fucking bitch!

only just a dream...PART 2

i didn't know sleeping all day can give me dReams i dReam of happening...but is FAR FROM HAPPENING :(

UGH! i just woke up fRom anotheR dReam of us...OOG.

why is it that now that we'Re gone, i get fRequent dReams of him?! and didn't when we weRe still togetheR...tsktsktsk...

i was back in singapoRe...and michael and i met at a shopping centRe somewheRe in City Hall to have the pRopeR closuRe.

i decided we eat fiRst...the place we went to...was a buffet place [cosy auRa] tho with a confeRence being held =/

then at the side of it, was like a small paRt of a Food CouRt wheRe we could BUY food...took me long to decide what food to buy...tho i don't RemembeR if i got to eat cuz of the long queue in eveRy stall =/

we then went to a bookshop, fooling aRound while looking foR a plastic coveR foR my notebook =/

then walked while chillin' like how we used to be...

we Reached my place then we went inside my Room...we played the bike thingy foR kids? only thing is it's foR adults...lol. so we went Round and Round my Room...laughing ouR asses out...then we got tiRed and he laid in my bed. then i decided to join him afteR tuRning on music on my lappy. i laid down and i staRted to get emotional...and i kept saying soRRy and that i just want eveRything to be back to how we used to be...and that i pRomise to neveR do anything he doesn't like me doing anymoRe...my teaRs just kept Running down my face and he shut me up with his kiss...and we weRe about to make out when i heaRd noises outside...

i checked it out and mom and dad weRe theRe...Removing theiR shoes while talkin' 'bout the unknown shoes which they suspect was michael's cuz of the plan of having the closuRe i told them about.

"hey mom, dad...michael's heRe"

"yea, we noticed...theRe's a paiR of unknown shoes"

"hehe, yeap."

they weRe shaking theiR heads...thinking of malicious things =,="

*at 1709 houRs, James MoRRison's acoustic veRsion of bRoken stRing was playing on the Radio...
AND THAT WOKE ME UP!!!*

and i just got MORE emotional...tsss.

it's like...as days pass, the moRe i'm feeling of the loss?!

eh! why i always late Reaction aR?! OOG.

sigh. i can't change foR the betteR if i don't have a good Reason foR the amelioRation. he knew it way befoRe...once he leaves... i'll be like this. i just wanna be good again but...i can't see myself being good foR no one but him :( he's the Reason foR my change...tsss.
call me shallow, i don't give a fucking fuck.
yes, this is the immatuRe me...
you alReady know my weakness way befoRe yet you chose to use it against me by giving up on me...
i'm blaming you foR what i have become and am becoming now. tsk.

only.

ONLY YOU and your last chance can change me for the better again...

few days back, had a convo with momzky...then randomly brought michael up.
she asked how he was doing...

and i responded, "how was i supposed to know."

but that i also told her about the plan i have when i come back home...

that was to have a good closure...

then she got curious again as to why we really broke up.

and she wondered...

"so how...if you guys get married...if one makes a mistake...he'll leave just like that?"

"there's nothing we can do, mom. it's just the way it is..."

"haiyuh...whatever...just focus on your studies, okaye, baby?"

"yes mom... ;)"

ouhwell.

only just a dream...

wow. what a dream. ;)

but...

:(

i doubt it'll happen...

we were havin' our usual 'manila adventure' during his visits - tho in my dream, we really have parted... =/ [the irony of dreams...tsktsk...]
in fast pace he walked, while i tried to keep up from behind.
suddenly some guys hanging around along the streets were mumbling things to me as i walked past...
and michael [who probably took notice] got protective; and so grabbed my left hand and took big steps just to get me off that place...
he then pressed me against the wall and uttered: 
"i still love you, joanne. i just want you back..."
thrusted his body towards mine...then an exchanged of body heat
"i still love you too, michael...i love you."
" i just love you so much, baby..."
"i love you too baby..."
he then pulled away as he realized we were in public...
we continued walkin', only this time...with sparks ;p *fireworks! grenades! dynamite!*
we made a stop-over at a stall, ordered burger and hotdog sandwich while he went away for awhile...then came back with a bunch of friends who seemed to be working at those 'big blocks of ice' places...that was located just beside the stall we were at. introduced me to them then informed me they'll just go to the place for awhile. minutes later, i got bored and lonely and decided to follow him. saw the place that looked like trash with street kids playing with those big blocks of ice =/ 
went further in and found no one...
then i woke up. 
=_="

nice ending ar. to hell with whatever the shit that woke me up! thanks for spoiling my dream! tsss.

*snap back to reality, jojo*  tsss.

Relinquish.

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

hmmm...i guess i loved him too much that i had to let him go...
i dare not force myself into someone who chooses to walk away and doesn't want me anymore...
but my friends, especially those who know me longer, know well enough that what i had with him was real.
they saw the big change, the different and better me when i was with him...
they knew i gave my all. something i'd never do to any other.
the one i had with my first love...was nowhere close to what i had with him...
because my last wish and prayer from God...i requested for a last love that will last til my last breath...and when i get it...i will tReasuRe it and would give eveRything.

yes, i'm still a human being. i make mistakes.
i am guilty. but it's just not enough to bRing eveRything back. it's alRight. it's a lesson leaRned.



i've stopped hoping...but my fRiends aRe continuing the desire of us getting back one day.
"just let time heal" they said.

but it's too early to tell...for many words & promises were broken...
"foreder" for one...is really "whateder"-ish...
"i'm not gonna leave you"...
"no matteR what"...

i was just as huRt as he was/is?...

last chance...

last chance is all i need to be a good person...and be a better one...

but if i get no 'go' signal...means i'll continue this.

still being hopeful for the last time no more... ;)

updated: 2133h, 08/01/11

heart and soul piercer.

facebook message @ 2138h

"Hi, u dun need to reply to this, but this is just more like a final statement. I want to end this in a nice way, I dont wanna be angry towards you anymore. I cant do anything about it but this happens in love relationship. I want to move on comfortably. I didnt expect this to happen., but i dont like you being like that, and it hurts me that i cant take this anymore. Im not asking for any of ur explanations., Because i dont think there's any way, I can be with u anymore. But through the years ive learned things from you, thats why im thanking u for everything since u came to my life. now its over, new chapter of life for us will begin this new year. although i know its a terrible way to start a new beginning for us. But Im hoping for us to move on., and yeah, take care always, thanks and sorry for everything., I love you, GOODBYE..."

if the higher one [God] can forgive...why can't you? you're just his fucking creation...
you just proved to me that im unlovable. and i will FOREDER grasp that.
FUCK THIS.

i am a good liar

why did it have to come to this?

i came here to the Phils to fulfill my goals and dreams and you were in it.

i set limits to discipline our relationship...and to have a healthy one.

yet I WAS THE ONE who broke 'em.

THE IRONY i say.

i was optimistically tellin myself to pursue askin for that LAST chance cuz i wanna prove to myself that i can be a better person - if not THE best...
that the 2years and 3months+ we had together was worthy enough for that LAST chance...
that the change you saw in me, will be enough to say that i STILL AM worth loving.


but adversely...WHO AM I to ask for a last chance? WHO AM I to deserve that LAST chance? during our brabbles you have ALWAYS been telling me that you DESERVE someone better. so i definitely am NOT worth loving...


even if i defend myself saying 
"it's not as if i cheated...no THIRD PARTY was involved...i had been faithful and loyal..."
my conscience is telling me that i WASN'T HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY in the end.
and that alone...is more than enough for you to leave me.
and that...I HIGHLY RESPECT.
that's why i didn't dare beg much...and even if i want to, i just don't deserve an effortful, loving person like you - anymore.
MY SORRY IS OTIOSE.
my SORRY will not regress the past.
and even if you accept me again, you won't be as happy as you were before...your level of doubt in me will just increase even more...


but do remember always...the paroles of love that i have conveyed to you - were all genuine. 
even at present.
BUT since you called me a liar...[a "good liar" were the exact words you used...] everything i said and i'm saying now will all be just prevarications to you.
even if i say I LOVE MY PARENTS, it'll still be a lie to you.
the words just hit me so hard...that even i, don't trust in myself anymore.
that the words i'm uttering are all lies to my soul.
i have now acquired a self-doubt...just because you regard me as a liar.
that is gonna have a vast encroachment in my life now.
and for that, I THANK YOU.


i actually had a dream last night that you SMSed me. it all seemed so real...that despite dumping me 24hours back, you still greeted me...[this isn't the exact SMS but this was what i recalled...
"happy new year baby. take care. i'll always be here."
*BAAAAM*
another smasher.
i woke up...and being the "late reaction-er" that i am...made me realize that WE're totally gone.
i threw it all away. with just a lie.
i don't incisively know what you meant when you said 
"i should have told u earlier that im out of this"
i guess you've been wanting me out of your life way before but because i was being obstinate...you had no choice but to stick with me.


the split weighed me down so much that i only got to sleep at 4am...got up at 7am...finished up my fucking project til 1pm, slept til 3pm and got up with a bad bodyache...forced myself to bath and leave for calauan...my body was gonna collapse for not consuming anything since the last "bloodiness" meal i had. reached calauan, starving but i didn't get to eat cuz i felt like puking it all out...laid down and i just started shivering...ella called and i tried to sound as normal as i could just so i wouldn't worry her...i think it went well...well, i'm not regarded as a "good liar" for nothing right? JB gave me paracetamol to calm me down...pretty much worked...and here i am again...
i hope this gets worse though...cuz it's not like anybody would care if i stay, living in this world...a good liar like me do not deserve to live. i'm just one of those pests that should be rid of.

i hope you won't think too highly of yourself though. you had your own shortcomings that made me neglect you.

12 & 13 december convo we had...

you articulated "im not gonna leave u" for 3 times.

and you did anyway. 

ergo, we're both just liars...

you prolly had a HAPPY new year...now that i'm out of your life. something you've always been wanting. one day, we will have a proper closure...slap me in the face if you wish. i will not budge. i deserve every single injurious thing you can think about doing unto me. i don't even mind being killed. as long as you get your justice. i am ready. 

mdld...was and is worth loving. 

gianelli, thank you for bringing michael that day...the day when it all started.

i will forever cherish everything we had...good or bad.

but then again. i'm just a liar. you will never believe these words.

"the one who'll hurt you the most...is the one whom you/you've love/d the best..."