inane

the biddie who was once a buffy...
who used to fight for ardor with her swain...
whom she thought had veneration for her...
she, who used to be his inamorata...
has now fallen prey...
and is tussling against the futile clandestine ardor...

the oath he uttered...
to never cause her slur nor make her snivel...
flowed down the drain like acid rain that would corrode the ecstasy they used to revel in.

the 'cavalier' just disparates him.
she has now agreed, under duress, to be a thrall for the fucking lad.

HELLo guys.
you will not be hearing much from me...

river

i can't believe i'm getting more scrawny each day.

i've been crying a lot again and i fucking hate it...

i was wiping my tears off in front of people today...in public, at work, at home...
because of everything that i'm feeling. it just sucks so much that i wanna poke my eyes out!
i hate to be seen crying. i know we all do. especially by my parents.



i just really wanna do so much for the people i care for.

white flag

today i thought i'd be working 0900-1700...but shah texted 1500-2200 which i only read at 8-ish am. it was a relief somehow. cuz i could barely open my eyes to even read the text message; took me quite awhile to finish reading the SMS.

finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.

so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.

but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.

i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.

i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.

i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.

people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?

my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...


but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.


cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.



i'm so tired.

simbang gabi '08 [part one]

good morning friends...

right now, i'm wishin' i'm doin' this post on a rooftop;
relishing the midnight breeze,
gazing and number-crunching the stars
and savoring the aroma of the night whiff.

but instead, i'm on the bed...
with the windows closed
with the fan off
with the light on
and legs blanketted...
hahaha. how conflicting.

well anyways, it just means i'm inspired to post. ;]



despite the fatigue i get from work and still managing to attend night masses everyday since monday [work and night masses both started on monday, 15/12/08], i gain strength to smile when i see michael; who comes to my workplace almost everyday and stalks me when i meet up with my folks for masses.

the good thing is, i see him everyday and get to hold him - even for JUST a second.
that little gesture 'overwhelms [kilig] me to the bones...;
as in...
to the core,
from head to toe,
to the highest of the highest
and the lowest of the lowest,
to the right-est of the right-est
and the left-est of the left-est,
to infinity and beyond'...

we have been seeing each other for eight days straight and will probably go beyond our 'record' and maybe even BerGhen's [pronounced as *VirGen*] too! tahha!

i also gain strength when i'm with my folks...because we barely have time for one another at home. as in LITERALLY.
yeah, we are THAT busy. so the only time we have is the night-masses times.
as for my brother...he only got to join us for a night. the rest of the days...he's busy with work [excuses]. so i really have nothing else to say but to shake head.

BUT who am i to comment on him when i myself whimper even when i go for the masses.
i whine that my feet aches like tooooot! and that i NEED to sit...when at work, i CAN endure the pain and suffering.
i grumble that i have a headache and is sleepy and feels the NEED to be excused to sit and close my eyes because of work...when at work i bear with those and continue my job...
i eat/drink like no one's business even when the mass has started...when at work, i sustain from doin' those and patiently wait for my break...
freakin' shtoopid huh? HATE it. it's like i'm attendin' the masses for the wrong reasons...gahhh!

but anyways, two more night masses and then back to normal til next year again.

~~
just a little sharing on the night masses.

i haven't had the opportunity like earlier tonight; wherein i people-watch.
earlier tonight, Simbang Gabi was held at Tampines, Church of the Holy Trinity.
AND for the first time, out of all the SG [Simbang Gabi] days, i actually QUEUED UP for the Food. zzz.
well...mom forced me to.

kelo took an extra porridge for me [which i gave to mom instead...but glad that i still got to taste them].
when i came with the porridge and pass it to mom, she asked me to take another - for my aunt and unc...i of course was reluctant...cuz i don't like queueing up and being nudged by people just to get food. sheeesh!
but yeah, i did anyway...i got the pansit [beehoon?!] and even asked for the porridge too...but the guy told me: "sorry, if you already got the pansit, you can't get the porridge, so that everyone has the opportunity to get some food" [the people in front of me have BOTH mann! ugh!]
But since mom told me to get TWO...so i HAD to lie [i don't know why i HAD to]: "ouh, it's for my grandma" and the guy just gave it to me... ;p
after the effort and patience of queueing up and getting the food and finding my way out of the crowd, i passed it to my aunt and unc...who HESITATED to get the food.
ouh c'mon now! i didn't do all those just for you guys to reject them! eeeesh. so i just passed it to them and walked away to the gate and sat there and waited for them to finish the food...and chats...zzz.

so while waiting, i was watching people pass me by and they all amused me...the different kinds of reactions on their faces. hahaha. young or old, seeing them all eat their food just really made them look like they're havin' SECOND-CHILDHOOD...

2 or 3 guys positioned themselves at the gate and opened the boxes they carried and started giving out these snacks.
people leavin' and passing by the guys [even passing the gate line already...] go back just to take the snack. some took 5...some just 1...slipping it/them into their bags...smilin' like little children...some were even goin' back to take a few more... ;S


well, we are all children of God...so the smile on our faces when we were young will still be visible even when we are all wrinkly.
well, people would take the effort to queue up for free food anyway.
just not me. hah.
and no, it's not the pride or anything...
i just don't fancy the queueing ups and squeezings and being nudged...sucks man. plus their loud voices...sheeeeeesh!

but hey, these are the little things that puts a smile on my face...observing the kinds of reactions on their faces...people are funny. teehee. well, i shall say more of the my experiences and thoughts about SG on my next post...




~~
i HAVEN'T done any shopping for Christmas :'(
tomorrow shall be the day! if i can wake up early...tsss.

crap face.

i gave myself JUST TWO days of rest before goin' back to the beloved TCC.
for days...i felt pressured of what was to come.
what was to be expected of me and sheytz.

like hot dayyem.
just SECOND day and already FULL-BODY ACHE.
ouh, i'm workin' at CQ now by the way.
at first i thought it was the lack of calcium i have.
but when i thought of what i did before gettin' back to TCC, it suddenly struck me that i DID have a somewhat good life at Creative, shitting sitting down there the WHOLE of the day and just absorbing radiation from the CRT monitor [yeah, C-R-A-P!!! for a very big company to use such old monitors?] that we used.

ouh weyyll...third day and i just wanted to quit but i couldn't...just because i want to learn MORE.
what fucking PISSED the hell outta me today is...already i did not have any food since i fucking woke up at 8...and i have NO 30mins break; as i'm only workin' for 5h [i EVEN felt exkyted to see baby earlier and thought i could have longer time with him], i had training that started from 4 and i thought by 5 i'd be released...STILL!!! we had a meeting that i thought would last just a 1/2h later BUT of which, ended at SEVEN!!! i was LITERALLY standing up from the time i woke up til to Kovan...that's like TWELVE FULL straight hours!!! FUCKING HELL.

i felt so fucking DRAINED, so WOOZY and my knees were so WOBBLY that i could COLLAPSE anytime, anywhere...but i just remained as normal as i could for michael and EVEN bought him food [for making him wait for me for 2h plus for nothing]...he didn't take it anyway. i felt crushed even MORE when he REJECTED it numerous times when i insisted he take them because i ESPECIALLY bought them for him.
hmmm, either he didn't like them? or they looked cheap? i don't know. but i was too weak to voice out that it EMBARRASSED the fuck outta me that he didn't take the food i bought for him. SIGH. furthermore, i didn't get to talk to him much nor hold him because i was talkin' to ate jowellyn from Clarke Quay to Kovan [hyeah, he felt neglected...but jowellyn kept yackin' and yackin' mann!!! i can't just be rude and shut her off]...then from Kovan to church, i was with dad.

i have been making him wait for me...ALWAYS...and he makes the effort to come down to see me and stuff...i just feel very doleful for him...that when we finally meet, we get quiet because of the waiting time that really pisses people off and loses their mood...
BUT i am also so fucking exhausted that when we finally meet, all i want to do is JUST have a nice, JOLLY conversation and out with the small, petty arguments and just STILL put a smile on my face even when i really am toooooooo ENERVATED from the sheytz i do because i want to make him feel special...and not make him feel like he's being treated like SHIT [where i make him wait and then finally just give that long, black, you-better-shut-the-fuck-up-i'm-too-tired-to-quarrel-for-being-late face].


my manager, shah talked to me yesterday; tuesday and clarified if i could juggle my work with family, boyfriend, school, friends, etc.
i paused and thought about it...it seemed highly unlikely but i STILL said i'll DO my best.

i just don't know if i still can celebrate [all the whacked-ness i invested my energy in] by partying or beaching or shopping and stuff because i would rather recharge and energize by sleeping all day and night if i could!!! like really FUCK damn.

ugh!

hate!

i hope to complete the 'Simbang Gabi' with michael even if we are physically far from each other at church...but just spiritually and emotionally would delight me...somehow, i STILL find the strength to attend the mass even if my body's gone brittle...but sadly, it disrupts my mind from listening to the mass because i think more about how tired i am and most especially, KELO...dammet.

anyway. i just want a nice indulgence after all these sheytz...
and i REALLY need to continuously FOCUS on my crunches again...

Creative.

many gosh-es...
i've been so very caught up with work that i've little time for myself and family...most especially God...
i also have no time to blog even when i feel the want and need to...and most especially when i just have the spur to.
and i freaking-ly doubt that my experiences in the past two months will pretty much remain fresh in my rotting mind as i'm inclined to forget things even if i do not want to.

well, anyways, i'll just share whatever i can remember ;]



how's workin' at Creative? - almost good.
why? - the job i've always been KINDA hopin' for...where i can sit in front of the computer
every-freakin'-day...

the snag?
- it's so freakin' PEACEFUL inside that all you hear are the typings...and the freakin' thing is that i only brought my earphones like 3weeks to ending. so i spent the 6 weeks suffering with the freakin' ennui.
trust me, i felt like SCREAMING down there. i got so bored that sometimes i will sing or yawn loudly or just make noise...[they gave those looks, but who cares?]
- i am seated at the same cubicle with the 'highest boss' [overall in-charge of the IA students], H...and he is seated right at the back; two tables behind me. so he bloody-hell kept checkin' on me [checkin' if the computer screen's on a related sheyt to work]
like, mann!!! c'mon uh, i do my job well...but i ended up gettin' the FUCKING lowest marks[most likely] among the group JUST BECAUSE of my punctuality and an incident [forgettin' to remove my cap and shades] which i think is irrational because others have worn caps many times and he failed to even open his FUCKING big eyes [he has BIG eyes that he will open so wide just to 'try' to scare the ass outta you]
OUH and he has APPLE BOTTOMs too!!! for a man to have such bottoms?! ewww-y!

i've got so much to say about this guy...he's just bias...he obviously hates me[and clarence] for comin' late that he purposely has to give me the fucking lowest marks. HAD I KNOWN!!! i would've backed out from the fucking project we were TRICKED to do and 100%-ly focus on the emails so i can attain higher marks! like FUCK mann, cereally! well, yeah, it probably gave him the impression that i do not care...cuz there were numerous times he saw me with that face...so yeah.

i SWEAR that face-attitude thingy didn't want to stop there...i wanted to articulate THE word to his face everytime i see him but it's my future we're talkin' about...not gonna jeopardize it further since it's already been damaged...just imagine if i actually showed my fuck-care behavior...i'd be long gone and blacklisted to the companies they are closely tied-up with.

ouh well, WHATEVER.


all i can say is WWCR [World Wide Customer Response] would be livelier and be better off WITHOUT him. they need someone who is FUN and really cares for people's feelings...and not just about gettin' the bloody job done.

the work's fine. just the project gave me crappy days. but anyways.


THANK YOU to the people who helped me; emails, food, drinks, project, friendship ;]
really appreciate them. anne; our trainer.
the teams:
CLI- jiawen, pablo, clarence, raymond, ray, rafael, james, huiting, raj?, marcus, vic, cassan, steven, jeen.
CLE- ramil, sham, yijuan, gau, kenny, [the rest, i don't know].
CLA- ying zhen, xue qing, ??????? [i don't know] ;p


THANK YOU.





ps. h suck. ;)
and with regards to their products, i shan't be so cruel and advise people to not support their products because they're not so creative and worthy as i used to think they are...
emmm...WOOPS?! ;]

Creative's f...fa...fu...f-i....n...e

tall, dark, hott

sigh.
finally, our paths crossed again...
but only in my dream...
last night/this mornin'...

it was...
pretty outrageous...

here's the scenario...
was walkin' and chattin' with my Creative colleagues at the usual way [we walk every mornin' and evenin' to work...]
and the thing is, I don't know how come he was there?!

well, I don't even remember much...
the only remarkable and unforgettable part i could remember was we were walkin' while talkin' on the pathway with my colleagues and at the same time, also kinda arguing with him over something i wish i can remember?
then when crossing the road.......

he suddenly shouted he still loves me!
and that uberly shocked me. like my eyes were as big as an almond [still in its shell]
and i woke up...and i was still astonished as to what i heard!

I suddenly felt so blissful yet wonder...whether in reality,...?



well, i just want an answer...


but i guess an answer would not make a difference anyway.


it cannot erase the past.



it probably cannot bring back the past.


then i guess...it's all an inept...

like
damn
fuck.

irreparable!

i want my moddafockken' gentleman prince/knight/dream guy!

fuck. i already know who but is just highly impossible.

:(

because i thought i have one!

where are you?

sigh.

fuck.

Nechci, aby můj přítel.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here we are again, at this time of the year. 28 more days to Christmas; the day we commemorate the birth of Jesus.
And though the real date’s indefinite, I guess we humans have this habit of picking a date to specifically observe the spiritual past. And I guess no one can ever find out when this and that happened like 2000++ years ago. Who knows, it may not really just be 2000 years ago… well I guess we’ll only know when this borrowed life expires.
Hmmm, how time flies huh? Time’s got its special wings that can fly fast inconspicuously… ouh well, Mother Nature’s work-life…
Well, here’s what I posted for.
It’s time!

I…
Would like to thank this year for being somewhat a good year; although towards the end, it got pretty quake-y.

the years of my life to be thankful for [more things to be thankful for but i'm mostly thankful for the recent happenings.]

thank you for the graces that you give every moment of our lives.

thank you for delivering me to this world.

thank you for giving me lovely parents.

thank you for giving me a loving brother.

thank you for the lessons i've learned...and will continuously learn

thank you for the people i meet.

thank you for the enemies that met me [if there are haters].

thank you for letting me get through asperity.

thank you for giving mom and dad the courage and strength to stay strong when Mom is still hangin' on at her workplace and when Dad decided to leave the very well-known company he worked for [just to stay out of the self-centered people who didn't care about health and just wanted the job done - even to the point of ruining people's reputation just for promotion =.=" ]

thank you for dad's their our everybody's faith in Dad's finding a new job.

thank you for Dad's new job.

thank you for Dad's continuous faith in finding another job when the company he got in had to release many people due to the bad economy.

thank you so much for the current job you gave Dad. ;)

thank you for Dad's constant uber sweetness to his queen, prince and princess; serving us the way he always has; cookin', house chores, and everything else despite being jobless. ;) He never once showed us his weakness and despondency.

thank you for my parents' misunderstanding and narrow-mindedness because in spite of the anger they have over our doings, they continue to give us the things we want and need and serve us - especially.

thank you for our good health.
thank you for the work you gave me to teach me to be more independent.
thank you for the stupidities i've done along with the lessons learned from them.
thank you for continuously being patient with us.
thank you for always being there for me, and for us all.

2nd...

happy second monthsary.

and yes, it is a happy one - literally! [gratifying day]
unlike the first. [you work, i rotted at home =.= just cuz it's on a sunday]
but yeah. HAPPY!!! yey!!! *jumps up, down, left, right [okaye, i doubt we can jump horizontally. tssssh...]*

today won't be possible if it hadn't been for BANANA!
thank you banana! teehee!

and thank you kelo for ditching school! [tahha. sounds wrong, but ouh well!]
i know the time is always never enough. but...i'm contented with the time given to us. ;]

the sudden solitude

I’m feeling lonely. d:-(
Kelo's occupied with his project.
Kiki’s probably at work.
Thiru’s in camp.
Lee’s in camp.
Ghen’s at work.
Elb’s studying for exam.
The rest, I don’t really know.

Freakin’ msn messenger would sign in, then hangs.
My notebook’s laggin’ - sucks.
I’m sleepy.
I don’t want to do project. But I’ve to come up with at least a ‘something’. – shtooped fwuck.
My tummy’s not getting any smaller.
I’m gettin’ fat.
My panda eyes aren’t gettin’ any lighter.
Freakin’ inflation! Mom said prices are really skyrocketing for a smaller piece of something than before. – absurd!
Saturday’s the only free day I got. – dammet!

I don’t know what’s gonna happen on the 26th; I really hope I’ll be positively surprised - amorously.

divergent conclusion

hmmm, here's a lil somethin' somethin' to lighten up our dark sulkiness. ;)
enjoy this guys.
i know many may be damn sick to death hearing this song...but no one can deny that it is a freakin' darn good buoyant song...
this particular cover is awesome and worth watching...THEN listening[without watchin' the vid] to.

"mapride k nmn maxado"
- michael
13/11/08,20:58:10

you're being ripe

it's not his fault. that was a freakin' upright-unintentional blunder! stop being an ass and putting impute on him. geeez!!!

gurl, believe me, he doesn't lie. he's been nothing but a friend; don't just turn your back on him for something he did not mean to do. had he known, nothing terrible would've happened. sigh.

cogitation

[date of post ↑ just published late =x]


hmmm, here are the days of reflection again...

i just had a look back over the past months and years of memories through photos today...
and i realize that i've met a whole lot of people that just like the angsana seeds; they have gone with the wind...we all have walked in different paths.
and no matter how diminutive this place may be, i have never bumped into of any of them in years; especially the ones i used to be very close with.
well, i HAVE only caught sight of them - from afar; like pie, neo wei, ros, glenn, ping sian, vanan and yee won.
and i think it's rather disheartening that - to think, you used to be ouh-so-damn-freakin'-close and always thought that it was impossible for us to not meet for this long yet look at us all now...

i wonder how everyone is doing...

Lasallians...the art days, the basketball tournaments, the sports days i looked forward to, the devotions every friday, the special events, the goodies for children =]
YFC days...the fellowships and gatherings. =] (misses ate jovi and co.)

CDians...the swimmings, the boyfriends, the talent shows, the 'like, ohhh-my-gosh' and 'oer-moi-goddd' days with feeda and co. and the breakdancing days with Hazwan and co.
drama society...the workshops, the camps, the stage days, the props, the auditions, the scripts, the bloopers, the audience.
5/1 fam...the class pranks on our teachers[they love us]; locking the doors on them to stall the tests and sleeping, the passing of thumbdrives; the "jap, jap" communications, the sitting together on anything we do[even pee-ing together], the canteen table no one dared sit on, the annoying and making fun of our juniors after break, the getting caught for latecoming and untidy hair and tucked out uniform, the outings, the sports day 'class champion' cheers, their endurance of waiting for me at the bus stop and unintentionally dragging them into detention too =x [just to make sure i'm early/on time], the tiffs among cliques, the being driven around anywhere by lee to chill, and the buggings of my bugger; buying me burger and coffee every morning =]

ouh, and the everyday-ice-cream days, heehee

*i know i always reiterate my posts, but ain't that how our memory work? we ruminate fortuitously...so i'm just narrating my thoughts.
anyway, i bet my lovely 5/1 misses these and probably writes/have written the same things time and again.*

darn! good ol fun young days...

then comes the ITE life...the frenz and classmates and IC fam, the dance practices, the lounging at foyer; singing on top of our voices and watching schoolmates walk by and eyeing on hawtt lads[though there aren't many or any?!]...

wonderful memories...but almost all is gone and only the photos help reinstate the moments i had with them.
should i not be lazy, i will post some photos...

since after exams, i haven't chilled with any of them...
everytime i look at the photos, i remember i still had a rather fun life.
and now it's just work, home and toooot. {=,=]"
and i certainly have missed you guys so much i'm gettin' fucked up with my life again.
i really missed those days.

but i know that one day, when i look back, i will definitely miss this IAP at Creative.
and come to think of it, we people never take value of the present until we are at the future and reminiscing our past! hmph! yes, i am referring to myself too. =/

crap! i'm tagged...

tagged by: hairee

The rules and regulations:

1. Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog oftheir own 10 weird things/habits/little knownfacts as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4. No tags back !


1.I relate almost everything to sex. [hahahaha, that's what they say]
2.I am smart in some ways; just not academically ;p
3.I spend my money on FOOD most of the freakin' time...
4.I love DICKIES brand. [been waiting for years and it's finally come to singapore! although the stuff is all limited =.="]
5.I am a mix of: filipino, chinese, malay/indian, spanish blood.
6.I hate assholes! and bitches!
7.I am an ass and I do bitch myself.
8.I am darker than you think
9.I am also whiter than you think
10.I'm joanne.

ouhkaye! done! ;p

YOU have been tagged.
1.kiki
2.michael
3.tasha
4.emmanuel
5.sheema
6.fadilah
7.nodick
8.leilei
9.feeda
10.ros

squabs

happy 4th month of knowing you...
the special days that means alot, we never get to celebrate...
nor meet...
tsss...


hmm, disappointment. utter disappointment.
and the special days that means alot...we have to have a squabble.
always happens. how fun.

and ouh look, we're okaye again....
=.= real corny sometimes.

wrath

hello again.

i'm in the blogging-mood tonight. heehee.
anyways, i just wanna thank ghen aka ate babe for saturday's celebration. i could've enjoyed it more if i wasn't sick and was able to drink and my folks not being so bigoted. i didn't even have the chance to spend at least a minute of our special day 'cuz i had to go home before 12, shux to that. ouh well, ouh well.

i haven't really been talkin' to them...unless spoken to. but yeah, of course, respect is still there, but my pride is also there - and theirs as well. since we all think we are right in our own way, then i guess we'll leave it at that. i think i'm old enough to know my rights and my freedom...and i guess it's something they will never accept. if at 23, my brother's still being constrained, what more when i reach the legal age? i understand their concern...i know it's about our safety they're worried about. but if they're forever gonna be like that, then they're treating us more like lil children than adults.

many say kids' attitude or behaviour's kinda genetic. i kinda doubt it. my brother and i, are adventurous and like to explore stuff. but we just never really got to, because of their fear of our well-being. well, at least my brother, being a guy, has done many things already. being the youngest and the only girl, the belt's tighter on me. that sucks! sexists! lol.

ouh there. mom just came into my room, lookin' suspicious and starts shootin' questions again. ever since dad saw me with kiki last week, they've been bombarding me with speculations! it's really gettin' on my fucking nerves. my life here at home haven't been smooth since secondary school. up and down. but it's this week that really triggered my wrath towards them. sigh. running away won't help if that's what you're thinkin. that's plain stupid. it's not as if it'll better things.
if i come clean, they'll force me stop and end things. so you see? what choice do i have but to remain silent, right? i'm seriously gettin' disgruntled with everything that ever since saturday night, i decided to not argue back and just remain silent all the way, letting them think that they're right. because seriously, no matter how open i try to be...they'll shut me out eventually.

the thing that ticks me off is when dad makes a joke about me having a boyfriend and stuff but when i try to open up, their mood changes. sheeesh! tell me about that. it's like you thought they'd open the 'freedom' door but as soon as you take a step closer [utter something], they shut the door. crazy.

and one last thing, i feel ouh-so-fucking-stupid right now, feelin' all-so-excited, waiting down here since i got home three hours ago and suddenly i JUST received a message that says goodnight...sheesh. i'm really fucked up again. i got shut out again!!! ugh!!! all the while i thought my phone's gone bonkers again! but geez! i so need that mathafuckin' anger-management! like seriously! i h-a-t-e everyone right now.
already so many things that i've been so excited about d-i-d-n't happen, and now it's even worse! FUCKING HELL. i feel i'm being taken for granted :(
i'm being pushed aside...i'm really hating you guys...
fine!

and again, my header and footer contradicts.

IAP

good evenin' guys.

work has been consistent for the past weeks.
first week of attachment was on Creative Product-Training.
so, to roughly sum it up, we took 3days learnin' on mp3 players plus the softwares.
webcams, video-conferencing device plus the softwares on the 4th day.
headphones, speakers, soundcards plus the softwares on the last.

well, fun learning and fiddling with the devices...but there's just too much to remember. especially the troubleshooting steps and stuff. ouh well, glad i'm put in the Direct Sales team. so basically i just have to answer the questions the customer is enquiring about a product he/she is interested in. but still, it takes time searching for sheyts.

and here's the catch...we, in DS have a quota of 70+ mails a day...or is it 100+? because Technical Support's quota's 60+ and they say DS is to be expected to do twice as much. and our time limit's only 3minutes while TS is 6. that includes your researching for answers and typing your email. =_=" well so far, the most i can do is 31 emails. hahahaha. how fun is that?

and here's somethin' else. because we are put in Customer Service [not really in the line of IT anymore], the school told Creative to give us a project related to our course. [=.= to that...]
two options for the project :
> to create a...you know the recent project for mr. soong? yeah...that one. the coding sheyt with database...
> to create a...errr, flash animation of any mp3 players that allows you to navigate on the computer; which means when you click on the 'play' button of the player in the computer, the screen of the player should be moving exactly how it should be on the device.

so our resources for that?
first option : we are to use C# programming language! [something we were not taught before]
second option : flash program [something we learned but just the very basic of it]
do we have any other choices? well, we can opt out of the project and 100%-ly focus on doin' emails.

to be honest, if i had a choice, i'd rather concentrate on doing emails. but i don't think it's even a choice. it's fine with the company but with our school? highly unlikely. in the end, the school will be the one grading us still, right? so really, it sucks. i mean for now i'm not feeling the stress but when we start doin' the freakin' project, ahhhh, i'm gonna be seen with that grumpy, grouchy, petulant face again. sheeesh!

it's like...a month ago, i had to learn about food and drinks, now it's another thing. like, sigh. always learning! always being graded! always, tsk, haiyuh!

you see, i started out calmly with the greeting and ended up with sulkiness! tssshhh...

octobirthdays

happy 19th birthday ervene gianelli amador ama [27/10]

happy belated 19th birthday aishah [13/10]
happy belated 19th birthday glenny [24/10]
happy belated birthday to gramms, jovita polis [25/10]
happy birthday choi [26/10]
happy monthsary to us [26/10]

more octobirthdays, i just forgot who and when ;X
but yeah. happy birthday!

26/09/08, 2330h

happy monthsary
to us. ;p

more engot days to come!
foreder engotz :)
hahahaha

misconstrued

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaha

That’s what’s been goin’ through my mind when I was being disciplined by mom. I guess dad couldn’t take the pressure ergo he decided to not ‘join forces’ with mom to reprimand me and just stayed in the room.
Well, yeah, he got ireful on the phone that he let the cat outta the bag about the time I barfed. I reached home and mom’s eyes seemed like she just finished sobbing. I reckon she cried upon learning the situation I got into, while she was away.
Another disappointment?
Ouh freakin’ DUH to that.

BUT I surprisingly am not fucked up with myself!
I was in fact, snickering!!!
Ouh cheeky me. Or it’s probably the evil me that dominated my whole system throughout the session with mom…
I AM mean…for goin’ against my folks and even hating them many a times when situations like these happen.
I’m guessing they thought I’d still be their ‘baby-girl-that’s-very-obedient-and-will-always-be’ …
Well, snap back to reality already. No-freakin’-body’s freakin’ perfect. You can’t forever think I’d never do such things…that I won’t give problems like Kuya did…and does...and will do.
I’m old enough for the whole universe’s sake! You gotta chill mann…chill…
If only there really is a chill pill… sheeesh!

Mom mentioned about the things that MAY happen to me if and when I’m not by their side, etc…
And really, the only response my mind could give was that snickering. Because the things she mentioned, had already happened to me ;p
Okaye, well, not to be braggy…but yeah, y’know.
So then she raked up the freakin’ comparison with cousins AGAIN. PLUS my aunt sayin’ that mom doesn’t know me well… =_=”
And I just nodded. I mean, there’s nothin’ else I could do but nod y’know…it’s something I heard for over gazillion times that it’s become a cliché. And it’s true anyway, you guys don’t know me well.
And yeah, she said I changed. [my reaction: Hahahah. I’ve just been too discreet in my younger days, it’s why y'all didn’t notice. I only got more blasé when I left HS. So that’s why you’re not used to catching me red-handed.]
And also…she mentioned about…’just one mistake, and everything falls apart; the trust is gone’
Aaand, once again, yep! I nodded! I just wasn’t in the mood to defend myself, to argue over things that I already know I’m right about; well - partly right about.

I mean, look at how shallow we people can be. With just one freakin’ mistake, all the good things that you’ve done and sacrificed your happiness for, all corroded by that single offense. Sheesh.
I guess she won’t even consider my choice of not bickering with her as a sign of respect. I didn’t answer back because my respect and love is there. But I guess it’s something they won’t acknowledge ‘cuz they EXPECT me to not do that, anyway.
Ouh well. *rolls eyes*

Tell me how fun it is to have parents like these? I mean, I’m not questioning or deriding their parenting…but I think in general, many parents are like mine. They think they’re doin’ the right thing…when they’re actually only pushing their kids to go beyond the limits they give…Be neutral mann. You gotta slacken off. What? Even at 40 you’d still be like this towards me? Hahahaha. and here then I thought, when I was younger, I was anxious to get older ‘cuz I know you’d loosen up. But fuck damn, the older I get, the tighter the belt. You may as well just lock me up in my room 24/7 then you won’t get worried no more ;)
Lol. Parents…Even my brother agrees with me.

The things is…I’ve been tellin’ them about today since last week til yesterday and they KEPT nodding and when the day came, they say they didn’t understand what I was conveying. So what language was I speakin’?! Dad said ‘reminding’ and ‘seeking permission’ are two different things. So then fine. Don’t nod ya head when you don’t get what I’m sayin! Sheesh! Cut me some slack, guys. It’s so hard livin’ under your roof and havin’ to follow your for-kids-only rules! I’m sick to death pretending to be a good daughter in front of y’all. Yeah, call me a cunning ‘itch. I just cannot be fucking bothered anymore. I’m not gonna please ANYONE just to hear praises. Stop ‘campaigning’ my name ‘cuz you’ll just embarrass yourself – again.

relieved

hellerrrr!!!
i haven't blog-ged for long-ged...lol-led...
okaye, lame =_+"

so how's errbody been? good? fine? not?

huwell...emmm, things have been different for me this year, i should say.
i know it's gonna seem/look cliche on this blog...
but really! i just didn't think i really COULD do what i'm doin' right now - although i have PICTURED how things WOULD be...
but now that it's actual, i should say i'm pretty much pleased with myself. heehee. i mean...not to be braggy and all, but i just feel i have attained something i didn't think i could, y'know? [it may seem shallow to you, but because we lead different lives...my level of achievement isn't as high as yours]
i mean, workin' my ass like this? wooootz. tiring...but the sense of accomplishment is there, so yeah.

just last saturday, my so-called 'last day' at tcc [before attachment started], we had a slam and i got kinda...y'know - from the captain, so that was a really not up to scratch for me and i was glad it was gonna be my last day for now then. but because of my monday and tuesday's blues about the things happenin', i decided to not give a fuck and just freakin' work.
and so, when i gave a thumbs-up on wednesday to work today, they put me at CQ...and upon reading the message, my eyes grew wider, my heart beat faster and my mind was like so messed up i couldn't think properly and i was just freakin' out!
i was really down til this mornin' that i didn't know what to do and how to back out...when i woke up this mornin' i actually was so worked up about how things were gonna be for me later on, that i chickened out and called up my manager and came up with something just so i wouldn't work there [today, or ever]...but in the end i had to...so yeah, i did. and on the way, kelo was feelin' tensed for me too that i felt bad...

and after all the jitters and the heebie-jeebies...everything went smoothly :)
and and and!!! shah granted me the 2month break! :P
and not to be bias...but the people at CQ are better than the ones at CAS; there's more interaction and people teaching.
anyway, after work, went to CAS, took my pay and like i said, it's really little...so i apologize to friends i really wanna treat. i'm disappointed myself...

i gave all my pay to my parents, without being prompted by mom coz i really wanna help anyway, and besides, it's for my future too. i felt sad that what i worked for will just go for my freakin' school fees but when i saw their faces, it just jazzed me up coz i know besides it being of a big help, i felt their being proud of me; of what i did. and i think it's all worth it. i mean it's not like it's gonna be like this forever, right? sheesh. heehee



~~~
i miss you guys so much. i haven't met any of y'all for so long.
i know...we're all waiting for that one day...
ouh well, one day...

4-in-1

mood: thwarted, envious enraged...

enraged because...
i'm late for my attachment-work on both first and second day...yeah i know it's nothin' new.
but...the who reminded us to not be late for 30mins in a month [or somethin'] or else he'll have to report to our school and our pay'll be cut...and...
and...iunno...i think they may "dismiss" me...sigh.
enraged because...
at my workplace i've also been warned about my latecoming. sigh.
one or two minutes, they're already very strict about that...what more with 15-60mins...i'm havin the hardest time. sigh.


enraged because...
i have to be compared to my lovely, beautiful younger cousins almost all of the time mom sees me. the messy hair, the shambolic room, the ugly skin, the scraggy-whacked look, the sooo-lazy-can't-even-help-around-the-house-like-they-do-and-take-note-they're-so-young attitude i have...
i get it. i'm just not the dream kid you used to be very proud of anymore. i've lost all that. all i do now is disappoint Him, disappoint people, disappoint myself.
like i said before, don't ever brag about me anymore, coz i'm only gonna be an utter frustration when you find out about my doings. sigh.


thwarted because...
i don't think i can save ANY from what i PLANned to save FOR...from what i WANNA save FOR from my earnings...from what i NEED to save for...sigh.
i guess i can slowly feel the sorta "self-support" my friend's been experiencing...i have to pay for my school fees this time, cuz mom said they have to pay the bills. i understand. cuz i told them before, if i can, i won't wanna depend on them...it's just that, i think what i'mma get, isn't enough for everything - in short, if i pay my school fees and hp bill, i won't have anything left for splurging. [my pay minus my latecomings equals to really little].
so i'll just forget about whatever sheyt...and i'll just do my best to work my ass off for money. money i won't get to enjoy. the only thing that pushed me to work for [besides experience] is extra income...that's what gives me the drive to get my ass up for work almost every day. now i don't see the point in working, but maybe to just help my parents...ouh well. that's a point, right? so yeah. but i just don't know if tcc's gonna wanna keep me since i'm still a novice...and slow and dumb. sigh.


thwarted because...
i miss kelo baby so much that i don't get tired or sick of being with him and i just wanna be with him every moment. but school has started and even if i was the one who suggested to meet at least once a week so that we could both focus on our stuff [his school, my work], i am always the one kinda buggin' him. so sinabe nya saken kanina - na wag ko maxadong isipin kung kelan kame mag mmeet or wag xang isipin maxado [dal alam na nyang mahal ko naman xa] para maka focus ako sa work...thwarted...ako pa tuloy yung napagsabihan kase ako yung nag sabe tas di ko naman sinusunod. sigh. mahirap lang kase. but i'm doin' my best. nakakabwiset lang yung feeling. nakaka walang gana. nakaka sabik kaya lumalayo nalang ako ng konte miske sa text/call/chat man lang. sigh. ayokong masanay na nanjan ka kase hahanap-hanapen ko yan. kase may panahong nde tayo magkikita ng matagal; be it vacation overseas or whatever. kaya sabe ko ayokong pasukin toh. pero andito nako. ouh well. sigh.

"napamahal n ntin maxado isat isa, hard to let go wat we get used to"
- don

work

heyhey...
hehe, how are you guys?
i'm doin' fine.
just pretty caught up with work.
no time for - and - with family at all.
just like before...when i felt lonely 'cuz they're all occupied with work...
and the only time we see or talk is when we reach home, greet one another and i'll make 'mano po' to my parents [salam as most of us know; although it's hand-to-forehead] talk a lil then go to our room and all.
i haven't joined them for any meals for a week plus now 'cuz they're at work when i'm home and when they reach home, i'm at work.
awww...ouh wellz.

anyway, i think it's all gonna be kinda back to normal this comin' week onwards since attachment's starting and the workin' hours ain't so late like tcc's. but emmm, it's gonna be worse though, with the overtime and all. so be prepared for my whines. but ouh well, we're not gettin' any younger...we can't expect things to be so relaxed...
so i guess, carefree-jojo ain't gonna be so carefree no more huh? i mean, towards some things, perhaps.
i am still relaxed when i work though...i move at my own pace...and i laugh when i see my colleagues move fast like they're always rushing...and then they break things. sheeesh.
but i dread the day i will be shifted to CQ-tcc 'for more training' [where actually 99% will quit and 1% will stay, and also, where girls will DEFINITELY cry]. that's how strenuous and torturous that place is. and i doubt no one can actually "motivate" me unless they experience it themselves...so all the "you-can-do-it, you'll-get-through-it, it's-just-a-few-days-of-hell" kinda thing won't help.
shux. creeps me out!!! like fucking hell imagine lah! i work at creative then go there work night shift. wooooootz, hell.
i'd rather stay at CAS[my workplace now] at least it's not so busy compared to CQ.

but i was thinkin'...that they put me at German Centre boutique, cuz at least it's near Creative...
but i still have to see if i can handle the bustle. daddy and baby said if they don't allow me to NOT work for two months and they let me go, then fine, i'll just find another. awww, but i really wanna stay if i got the choice. ouh well. fuck it. come what may...haha. as if.

eeeesh! i'm still the lazy-me! i just wanna relax and enjoy the nature.
hmmm, ouh by the way, thanks guys for the movie night out after my work [with surprise special delivery]...it's probably the last time FOR NOW that i'm gonna chill with friends. too bad i didn't get to meet the rest. sigh. i miss Dino-deedee!!! ouh well ouh well. i'mma bath now. WORK!!! =_="

grades

FUCK...
my fucking gpa fucking dropped!!!
from the digit of 3+- to 2++
gahhh!!!
what the fishuck!
and the culprit?
SOONG!
like O to the M G!
that guy's got some kind of a total depression...that he just HAS to pull us all down!
and his karma? baldness? tahhahahahahaa. okaye, shu'up! :X

y'know, he's really a nice guy infront of you...but a real fucking asshole. like what the fucking hell? you may see him take things lightly; smiling at your jokes or whatever-sheyt but when comes to academic...he JUST have to pull us down. so that's how he takes retribution against us eh?

well...you guys may say that i can't TOTALLY blame the guy because I'M at fault...
but knowwutt???
remember the FINAL-YEAR-PROJECT that i took as a motherfucking challenge to be with a group i didn't think i can produce something that we're supposed to produce...
yeah...
THAT!
FUCKING HELL, son-of-his-mother! eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!! i just feel like PULLING the remaining strands...or bunch of hair he has on his head!
and take note, i said PULL!!! NOT shave. and pull HARD!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!!
you fucking forced me in a group i didn't wanna be in and taddaaaa..."ouh, thank you for my grades"
UGH!!! that's what fucking pulled me down...hmmm, then just imagine if i did worse for my assignments and tests...geez!

he better not be our Liaison-Officer for our attachment! he's sure just gonna fucking give us a fucking c-r-a-p!!! and i mean junk-crap...like something we worked fuckin' hard for and we just get paid 2cents...gahh!!!


*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh* [calming down...]
well, okaye, on a side note...
for those who're damn curious...and i don't care if you not either...*rolls eyes*
i got in! - the CREATIVE company fo' my attachment...foof!
fyi, i'm not a fan of their products anyway...hahahaha...unless you gimme a free product that will really wow me and make me take back my words...wehhh.
well, be prepared and expect the unexepected...wooootz!
the bitchiness, the politics, the cruelty, the abusiveness of some people who are actually fated to go to hell [wooopz?] :X hahahaha
well, okaye, i don't want to go to hell...but i don't wanna be a hypocrite coz i MAY just make the same mistakes...sooo count me in...NOT! bluekkk!!!
okaye. there! bye!

the irony

awww, i cannot believe i'm here...
i'm so amazed by how i got here.
i'm in love with a guy i never liked...
nor was i even attracted to in the first place.

well, we dated, we hung out...
and to be freakin' honest,
throughout that period...
i never once had feelings for him.
although i DID see the potential...

hmmm, we USUALLY go through the phase of liking someone...or falling-in-LIKE BEFORE fallin-in-love right? right? right?
well, not for this one...
i struggled...i hung on...i gave it a shot...
i didn't wanna be the quitter that i am; that shuts people out when i see there ain't hope for us both to be together. "sorry, i really don't think there's EVER gonna be an 'us' "...
well, frankly, this is what i've always thought AND felt with this guy.
YES...really, really.

but freakin' hey!!!
it paid off...i gave him the chance to like [or love] me...
and look!
cupid's arrow hit me so fuckin' hard that i'm head over heels in-love with him.
awww.
i ponder about this every night...
and i remember what i went through.
and i thank God...
yeah, yeah...ya'll'll be thinkin that maybe it's too early to say these kinda things...
but y'know, sometimes you just have to put faith and trust in something...
well, i'm not saying "in ANYthing"...but in SOMEthing you think will be worth putting those...

the first few days that i got to know him...i already knew he's a very good guy...but i just didn't feel anything for him...nothing...
but i'm like so freakin' thankful, grateful, glad, appreciative and...whatever more words you can describe fo that feeling for emmm...givin' me that faith to have faith in someone.

i mean...i think it's an improvement alright...
unlike before when you just have flings...
and besides those flings you still flirt with others...[flings and flirting are different].
sheesh. ouh wellz. whatever that.


hmmm, but on a LIGHTER note...just like any other guys, he can be an asshole y'know...hahaha. sheeesh....*rolls eyes*...guys...

jang!

what does this mean? the frequent ruminations that is not only visiting my mind when i daydream...but also in personal; on my way back home last night, right beside me! and just last night again, in my dream.
gahh. what is it with this person that is just so hard to let go of? i feel like a ghost roaming around this dimension; unable to move forward just because i have an unfinished business...
it's really annoying.
i mean, i even doubt we're both experiencing the same thing...it'd be nice if that happened though...but i think it's just me, only me. but how come it's happenin' more and more these days? shhhhux! is this a reminder of what's gonna happen with what i'm doin' now? or is something astonishing gonna happen soon?
well, if it's just gonna be another disappointment, then enough already.
i don't wanna go through another fuck sheyt.

i am dumb

if you're gonna read this, read EVERY WORD...and don't jump so you won't misinterpret.

i'm too fucked up to even keep this discreet. i know it's not a nice way to probably fix things with someone but this is the only fuckin' way i can let out my feelings and even convey my messages CLEARER because you can fucking read it over and over again and the words won't change like how you can when you say it.

i know.
i'm a bolshie person to love.
i already knew that.
i've been self-reflecting...learning about myself...for the past few years...
and i saw my weaknesses...
and my strengths...
my good points...
and the bad...
and i know i have more weaknesses and bad points than that of strengths and good points.

it's why i wasn't ready for another relationship.
it's why i pushed people away as early as i can; so as to not add to their burden.

but they just keep comin'...
and i'm grateful for that. i always am.
i'm grateful for the people who stood by...be it friends or guys.

but here i am again...
entered a yet another complication-in-life situation i'm still not ready for but decided to go for it any-fucking-way...
and tadda...
as expected...[but not this soon]...a squabble... miscommunication...

your HURTING assumptions about me...meant you DIDN'T trust me ENOUGH. or maybe you NEVER did...
your thoughts just made me look like a fucking HOE.
well, then if you THINK i'm one...WHY still go after me?
you already knew me way before we got together...you already know i have many guy friends...
then why still think i'm goin' out with RANDOM guys?
and if you THOUGHT i was still a flirt...do you think i'd be dumb enough to go out with someone infront of you?
sheeesh.
do fucking-hell remember...i have a DIGNITY


knowwhutt...dump me if you want...
cuz i don't really know what to say...
you JUST lost your trust on me.
i can't believe you did.
you LOST it when you thought of me that way and when you typed those "beautiful" words...

i know i'm a fucking stubborn person...
i'm a hard person to love...
i'm very petty...
so if you don't think you can take it...then just let go...

isn't it just a wrong time...
just remember, i'm not a hoe who gives in to anybody just like that.
gawsh.
i'm not a hoe at all.

don't you ever think...that this is a small thing i'm whining over and that can be forgiven and forgotten easily...you may always give in to my wishes and wants...but i'm not like you. like i said, if you're feeling the pressure, then let go.
and ouh, i'm NOT asking you to. i'm givin' you a CHOICE. i don't wanna add to your burden. because i know you're just gonna have a hard time with me.


~~~
if you only knew...how i wanted to surprise you.
how stoked i was to introduce you to my bestfriend.
how ecstatic i'd feel.

but ouh well...
bottomline: you LOST your trust on me; you don't trust me...and you INDIRECTLY regarded me as a hoe. sheeesh. your girlfriend is a hoe. morning with one guy sending her to work, evening with another sending her home...that's what hurt me.
y'know, gettin' jealous is one thing, but havin' thoughts of someone you "love" that way is another. way before we met, my friends have always been like this to me. and i fuckin' promised myself this is not gonna change when i have someone already.


well, get your facts right...don't jump to conclusions.
i'm NOT sorry that i have good friends like them.
i don't even know why i entered this...i told myself i will only say yes when you've accepted me for me. well, you obviously have not.

4th day

*SIGH*
fuck.

the SUDDEN changes.
very motherfucking unexpected.
don't know why.
ouh gosh.

ENLIGHTEN me!


i just hate this motherfucking feeling.

and to make things even worse, it just had to show me the rumination...right beside me.
like what-the-fucking-hell.
FUCK.


~
i feel unkempt.
i was pushed away three times in a single day by a single person.
what the fuck am i doing.


are we havin' some mutual feeling of...?
don't ever hesitate to tell.
today's just sooooo fucking different.
fuck, really.
so much for doin' my part...it all went down the drain.


i guessed you didn't hear clearly. i SAID at the counter when you asked me what i was doin' there; he's Thiru, my bestfriend. and i think your reaction was you understood because you nodded or at least some kind of reaction that you understood. unless you were too busy or something that you just gave me some kind of response to show me you got what i was trying to tell you.
anyway i wanted to introduce you guys to each other. but too bad...you didn't give me the chance.

hope

hmmm...
"cute marching songs"...
reminds me of his deep voice on the phone.
gahh. why did i have to read that!
it's all gone - really, but i don't get why it still lingers in my system.
i know i know...it's not a computer system where you can just delete it permanently...but still.
sigh.
i just freakin' hate the feelin' everytime it takes my mind back to those times. stupid, really.

~
12th was the night,
19th, the night i would've preferred to have said it personally; if you only knew.

finally? but maybe i just need another reassurance that may possibly be the answer and that could make me happier and that could take away the pain i still have left...was this how hurt i was? shux, really.


but hey. i guess it's all good - i HOPE it's all gonna be good.
you are gonna make sure it'll be good right? although i'd rather hear you'd "make sure it'll be the best"...
well, you will, won't you?



~~
you know, you really are a wonderful person and i am just uberly grateful to have met you. those chats we had and still have...i still keep in mind. when you told me you'd never want your future-wife to work, i knew the type of guy you already are. i'm still moved by the moment when you told me you felt your money and time was all worth it with me. and then, hearing you say you want that type of girl, i was really very ecstatic. i mean, what else can any girl or lady or woman ask for in a man who is almost so perfect for them? who wouldn't want someone like you; who's willing to take care of someone you love rather than you being the one taken care of? you have poured out your love and care to the people around you, i know. i may not have seen, but from your past grumbles about the friends you sincerely cared about, i know, really.
i may JUST be your friend. but i know, i'm very blessed to have a friend like you - yes, i mean really blessed. you already know i love you. and you're one of the best things in my life.
and i really hope, someone comes to take care of you like you take care of all of us; the people you've taken care of.
i know it's too early for that prayer, but hey, we don't need the right time hoping and wishing for something, right? heehee. i really mean it. :)

vertigo

i haven't been feelin' well for the past few weeks...well, years if i should really count...
the frequent headaches that feels like a time-ticking bomb, ready to explode any-freaking-time, just keeps comin' back. gahh.
i do not know what's wrong with me. and like i said befo, i probably duwanna.
but anyways, i didn't go to work today; the headache, the giddiness, that heavy feelin' just didn't allow me.
ouh gosh.
so i called in sick...and suddenly, corwin mentioned "MC"; which i so tota-freaking-lly forgot about! that i am working now!!! and MC is needed! sheeeesh. omg! it hit me again, i am gettin' older. hahahaha. i cannot believe i'm workin'! gahh. i just wanna stay home and stone all day long. sheeeeeesh!
okaye, i am reeeeeally very dizzy. and i haven't taken any medicine yet. ouh well, my end is nearing. wooooooootz! whatever...see ya'll at my wake, whenever.


by the way, thank you kelo baby, and berghen for yesterday. i love you guys. heehee.
and thank you for the concern today too; the "flowers" and the "leprechaun". thank you for everyday. :) thank you.

ti-u

happy birthday THIRU!!!

sadly, he's in Brunei...
ouh well, much love my tiu.

gone

SIGH.
knowhutt...
i hate liars. i hate traitors.

after her confrontation this morning about something,
it just hit me for the second fucking time...
to never fucking TRUST any-fucking-body AGAIN.
even if it's your relatives or cousins.

it took me years to let people in again...to confide in someone again...
then comes this...
it so totally made me be-in-a-huff this morning when i was about to leave for work; i didn't feel like working...
but y'know, i thought again, and i think it'd be better if i worked, rather than rotting at home, hearing stuffs i shouldn't be hearing.

c'mon...
they promised to not tell her...and i fucking believed.
and suddenly they keep tellin' her that "she doesn't know anythin' about me"
like.
sheesh.
damn.
fuck.
ugh!!!

you know that such a thing is a fucking big deal to her and ya'll told her like it's just something she can take. she's not gonna trust me anymore if she really finds out.

sigh. i hate ya'll. wtf.
if i can't trust my own cousins with secrets, what more with other people?!
right?
iunno who to trust anymore.

again.

i've lost my trust in people again.
i'm so sorry...
and no, i'm not gonna tell anyone about anything anymore.
it hurts, guys.
it hurts.


~~
well, thank you kiki, again.
and fyi, i'm working in tcc central. either clarke quay or central. okaye...

tutu.

and ouh!
befo' me forgetto...
well, yeah, i did forget...that's why i'm posting again. lol.
ouhkaye, befo' i forget...again!
ahh, moch betta.

anyhoo...so yeah.
emmm, after whut happened; dad's shaking-with-fury-yellings on the phone...i thought he'd be still fumin' mad when he picked me up at the lrt station...you know...the continuation of naggin' and scoldin'...
but awww, he's sweet tone came back, teehee. but i know his trust has lessened...sigh. utter disappointment.
ouh okaye, you nono the story...

~
ouhkaye, so the story goes...
i didn't tell him about the drinkin' session you see.
so emmm, when i conked out, iunno who exactly, i think kelo, got my phone into PUK. tahha. so, my bro and dad kept callin' and callin' for like 8423876123105 times and even went out to look for me at around 2-3am. dosh. and bro thought i went clubbin. lol.
ouhkaye, so then i woke up and did my puk sheyt[ouhkaye,that sounds wrong], chatted awhile...and then when we left, he called and...tadda. scolding. wooooootz.
then yeah, when he picked me up from the lrt, it's as if nothin' happened. sweet daddy! but i know...he's really disappointed. for not lettin' him know, and my phone getting PUK-ed...damn effed up 'coz he couldn't contact me. :(
~

emmm, to the concerned people, YES, i HAVE told dad about the work. teehee. i just cannot lie to 'em anymore. luckily he didn't scold! wooootz! but he said to make sure i maintain my focus on my studies...ouhkaye, now that part is sooooo hard. ouh c'mon. and emmm, only mom dunno nothin' yet. wonder if dad'll tell. but i doubt it. i don't think he'd wanna stun her with this. *that's like throwing shit in your face right after you stepped out of the house wearin' your best suit* :S so like, mom havin' just returned from her vacation and suddenly finds out sheyt. like omg. plus, you know how tight my parents are when comes to stuff like these. lolly. the work thingy, i think she still can take it lar. well, thanks dad.


thank you nga pala kelo, you stayed with me. wooooooooootz! hahahahaha. alagang alaga daw ako. galeng mo tol, you the man! hahahaha. naging tol eh noh. tahha.


yey! i can freakin hug momma tomarrah!!! woooooootz! i miss herr so the damn the much lah! i hope she didn't get chubbier :x really shia, later like mrs. viswa [the penguin] awww, sho cute! wooooootz.

i'm in

eyawww!!!
knowhutt?!
i spewed!!!
cool eyy?
for the first time. heehee!
so fun!
hahahaha.
but i missed the fun! :(
okaye, so, not fun! :(
i didn't get to sing :(
i didn't get to camslut! :(
i didn't get to drink more :(
if only i wasn't tired the past weeks. my body wouldn't have given up :(
i wouldn't have troubled 'em :(
sigh.
ouh! and i wouldn't have been stripped :D
tahha.
idiot.
i can't believe i puked with just that small amount, really.
ouh wells, there's a first time for everything.
wooooootz!
it's kinda facetious yet excruciating. tahha.
like so o-m-g.
like to the max. like to the bones. like to the therre. and like to the herre.
wooooooooooooootz!
gahh.
but i think it's a good thing. i got to sleep for the first time in a few weeks.
sheesh!
and i wonder if i fell and bump me head 'coz me right eyebrow and head and forehead is hurtin!
damn.
ate ghen-love said i hit me bum...ouh lol me.

and and and
knowhutt??!! [part2]
i got the job baby!!!
woooooootz!
yey.
dough baby!!!
shopping!!!
work=dough=shopping=ecstatic!!!
yet
work=exhausting=scraggier=hideous!!!
woooooootz!
tahha!
and i love the place imma work at :) the ambiance...and coffee!!!
wooooooootz!

ouhkaye, thank you guys for attending to me and emmm, thank you rizzy and fam for the hospitality.teehee. love. thank you talaga. wooooooootz. gross but fun. hahahahaha. ouhkaye, gross :X

i'm finally havin' my period, thank God. :) sorry ate ghen, di kita ma meet. maseket eh.
ouhkaye, bye.

i want in, please.

ouhhhhhhkaye!
school's focken' out fo meyy!
woooootz!

and befo' gettin' hypa...
i'd like to say...
WAD paper sucked!!!
fo'shizzle, ya'll'll say "ditto".
sigh.

well, despite wakin' up at 5 on tuesday and 7 today, i still arrived late. lolz. k, wa-evvah that.
anyways, so when i opened the paper, and saw the first page questions, i thought imma enjoy doin' it...
so i was doin' doin'...
'til i reached question 11...and ouh-me-gaw. my eyes grew wider and my brows just raised higher and higher. *DISASTER*...
~so okaye...ya'll know whaddat means oweddey.~

so yea, blahblahblah. thank kiu. haha, "scared" to go out? more like "duwanna"...
but nah, i think it'll only jeopardize our bond if i do that.
yeap, great deal. nice negotiating with you. hahahaha!
and it's always been worth the time. :)


~~~
ouhkaye, time for some serious shout-outs...
i would like to apologize to you guys for not being there when you needed me; physically.
but now with exams over, i HOPE [well, no promises], i'd be able to meet up wii ya'll 'ready.

tasha love, sorry for missing your birthday [though you know i've always been]...and for not being able to meet up when you were at the bottom - again.

thiru, for being unable to meet up before you left for Brunei and to celebrate your birthday in advance; ouh well,
take good care, huh? when you get back...surely.

lee, i know...it's been a while.
glenny, you too, muay thai idiot... :P
emman, hahaha, next year lah you, lol.

emmm, and to anybody else who wants cares to meet me, lol.
cheers ya'll.

i want those pink shades :(

gahh.
knowhut!?
i am very...

sleepy!
but...

i cannot sleep!!
lerrrrrrr........
these past few days.
i turn in early at night; whenever i feel somnolent
but i JUST cannot sleep.
whadda!
and and and.
i already took a few shots of chivas just to help - make me feel groggy...
STILL cannot.
if only i can drink the whole thing and still wake up at 5am larrr...
ouh gawwww.
me hate me hate.

i just wanna REST my mind and wake up feelin' FRESH!!!
is that sooooo hard to doooo?!
i-d-i-o-t-a-h-h.

i cannot wait for friday's jamboree!!!
wooooooooooooootz!
okaye, more like shindig, actually.
booze baby!
i hope it'll be enough.

i cannot wait for 1230pm! later!!!
wooooooooooooootz!
tahha!
when 1230h strikes, school's out for me 'til DEC!!! or is it JAN?
muahahahahahaha.
luvettttt!!!
okaye. i'm still NOT sleepy.
i'll just bang me head on the wall. =_="

wheels

why do i feel loathed?
i guess, i deserve it.
i've been spiteful...

but...
i cannot contain what i'm feeling. it's just too temperamental.
gahh. it's like, one moment, i'm fond of something, the next, i have repugnance over it.



~i'm still hanging on~

befuddled

it's so hard - dealing with the inconsistency of this feeling.
at times, i just cannot bear the company - whilst at times i enjoy it
the sequential questions i get, is an uber annoyance that renders me to mull over whether or not
i should prolong the situation i'm in.
thee be, in all probability, beleaguered...
but know that - i myself is feeling worse as i am making a tremendous effort to like a being - that
never really grasp my interest at the outset.

i am not prepared...
and it sickens me more - for i am only compelling myself

the sudden-thoughts of the recent past still haunts me - and i resent it so much.
the nostalgia would make me beam - then, abruptly be in abhorrence.
i fathom it's just not justified...
but i know, it will befall at the righteous moment - which i am solely patiently anticipating for.

i am not akin to anybody else
ergo regard me contrarily


gahh, i hate this. i certainly do.

beautiful in my eyes

i just want mommy.
i need mommy.
and i just finished crying.

sthu

shut the fuck up!!!
i'm like being bugged all the time la.
i'm really fucked up now, with the consecutive buggings.

i'm sorry if i don't reply to any of your messages, guys.
and i will NOT reply or answer any calls/smses

i'm doin' my notes.
that's why i'm not freakin' online on ym and msn. *sheesh*
you know how easily distracted i am and hard to get my focus back right?
if you don't, NOW you do.

my phone's on silent mode, okaye?
i will not go out until i'm done with my stuff here.
if i cannot finish it, then i probably will just stay home, okaye?
and again, i won't reply to any messages/calls, UNLESS it's got to do with the exam.
okaye?!

i cannot even help around the house even if i want to and already people expect me to have time for them, please la.

i'm just doin' my fucking best not to get distracted...sigh.

halohalo

i just miss mommy.
i'm thankful she's home safely.
gramms ecstatic too, probably.
dad called them minutes before i reached home. :( didn't get to talk to her.

and sigh, i've planned to cuddle in with them during the weekend; but just got carried away with school stuffs.
anyway, i just wish she'd unwind and relish her stay there with loved ones.

dad and i were so delighted for her when it was time for her to board; she undoubtedly seemed so stoked that after she got her passport chopped and all, she just walked straight ahead without lookin' back and wave... lol. so dad and i raced to call her and and told her what she just did lar. she was surprised herself; she didn't realize at all. tahha. mom, oh mom.

anyways, thank you ate ghen for the hospitality despite the ambush visit, tahha. mina's lovely. you're really very ate-ish. awww. and and and i just remembered; no wonder i loved you that fast, it's 'coz you look like my cousin, tintin. hah. awww, i miss her.
thank you kel.
thank you el, kiki, fir, nodick for the frequent check up on me
i just realized redzal has the eyes of jericho rosales.
i saw ain [balestier]
thank you dad.
bert looked comical just now, bustling himself.
i saw rosfarina.


*and kiki, i so totally forgot about the fasting...i wanted to even call you for sushi snack. hahahahhaa! and sorry kiki. 3-DAY-old pinky shades...yang right eyeglass template pecah. like your recent thrashed shades. :'( sigh. careless me.

get through.

booo!!!
wehhhh.
swillin' coffee dad made. mmm, the aroma is just heavenly to my nose.
my flu by the way, is an on-and-off thing. lol. so i'm fine. unlike when i woke up yesterday, blocked by the dried...okaye never mind.

damn. mom washed all my Chuck Taylors yesterday :(
awww, i love it grubby, y'know!!!
ouh well, never mind again. i love mommy.

emmm, does anyone know how to eat a rambutan without havin' to eat the 'wood' thingy? it's why i NEVER liked eating rambutans. i can't even chew and just 'extract' the juice out 'coz the 'wood' thingy's so annoyingly getting in the way! ugh! call me a noob, but y'know, whatever. okaye, whatever.


i miss my kel, he's idiotingly sleeping. gagu. tahha. berghen's probably gonna tease me again when if they see this. =_=" wehhhh. shu'up okaye.

i'm havin' trouble seeing properly with my specs luh! the lenses have a lotta scratches. wakakakaka! so much for using specs. but if i don't use, i'll be squinting. ugh! okaye, i'll buy new one, wait two months uh.

i'm just excited to work. yayyyyyy. i've got my personal disbursement all lined up. weeeee. but i've to wait for a few months for larger splurges uh. lol. but still. YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!

what would you choose.

emmm, how true?

Situation:
You are in a deep deep forest... as you walk on you saw an old hut standing there...
(1) What is the status of the door? (Opened/closed)

(2) You enter the hut and see a table...
What is the shape of the table? (Round/Oval/Square/Rectangle/Triangle)

(3) On top of the table there is a vase... in the vase there is water.
How much water is it filled up with? (Full/Half/Empty)

(4) And what is the vase made of? (Glass/porcelain/clay/metal/plastic/wood)

(5) You walk out of the hut...as you carry on your walk in the forest...you see a waterfall from far...there is water running down...
What is the speed of the water? (Choose a number ranging from 0 to 10)

(6) Some time after the waterfall... you step on something hard on the ground... as you look down... you see glistening gold in colour. You bend down and pick it up... it is a keychain chained with keys...
How many key/keys you see hanging on the keychain? (Choose a number ranging from 1 to 10)

(7) You walk on and on... trying to find your way out...suddenly you see a castle.
What is the condition of the castle?!! (Old/new)

(8) You enter the castle and saw a pool of murky water with shining jewels floating on it...
Will you pick up the jewel?!! (YES/NO)

(9) Next to the murky pool... there's another pool...with clear water and money floating on it...
Will you pick the money?!! (YES/NO)

(10) Walking to the end of the castle there is an exit...you proceed to walk out of the castle. Outside the exit, there is big garden, you see a box on the ground.
What is the size of the box? (small/medium/big)

(11) What is the material of the box? (cardboard/paper/wooden/metal)

(12) There is a bridge in the garden some distance away from the box,
What is the bridge made of? (metal/wooden/rattan)

(13) Across the bridge, there is a horse.
What is the colour of the horse? (white/grey/brown/black)

(14) What is the horse doing? (still and quiet/nibbling grass/running about)

(15) OH NO!!! There is a tornado coming... some distance from the horse.
You have 3 options:
(i) run and hide in the box?
(ii) run and hide under the bridge?
(iii) run to the horse, ride on and gallop away?
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Here are the interpretations:

(1) The door:
opened door - you are a person who is willing to share [speaking freely, yes. food, no ;P]
closed door - you are a person who is keeping things to yourself

(2) The table:
Round/oval - any friends that come along, you will accept and trust them completely [accept, yes. trust, not really]
Square/rectangle - you are a bit more choosy on friends and only hang out with those whom you think are on the same frequency
Triangle - you are really very very picky about friends and there are not many friends in your life..

(3) Water in vase:
Empty - your life is not fulfilled
Half filled - what you want in your life is half fullfilled
Full - your life is completely fulfilled and good for you! :) [familywise, yes. individually, no]

(4) Material of vase:
glass/clay/porcelain - you are weak in your life and tends to be fragile [so true, so please handle me with care ;p]
metal/plastic/wood - you are strong in your life

(5) Flow of waterfall:
0 - no sex drive at all
1 to 4 - low sex drive
5 - average sex drive
6 to 9 - high sex drive [wooohoooo!!! hahahahaha. uhh, no comment]
10 - gone case!!! super high sex drive!!! Can't live without sex...

(6) Keys:
1 - you have one good friend in your life
2 to 5 - you have a few good friends in your life
6 to 10 - you have a lot good friends [i realized i do have a lotta good friends, but close friends, i'd say a few]

(7) Castle:
Old - shows that your last relationship is not a good one and is not memorable to you.
New - your last relationship is good and it's still fresh in your heart. [fresh, kinda. good, idk]

(8) The jewel from the murky pool water:
YES - when your partner is around you, you will flirt around with others.
NO - when your partner is around, you will stick around with him/her most of the time. [hahaha, i so don't know, really. but maybe yeah]

(9) The money from the clear water pool:
YES - when your partner is not around you, you will still flirt around with others.
NO - even when your partner is not around, you will still think of him/her and will be loyal to him/her, not flirting around with others. [i'm loyal, but is chatting up chatting with other guys really considered flirting?]

(10) The size of the box:
small - low ego
medium - average ego [we all do, but at least i'm just not very]
big - high ego

(11) Material of the box (outlook of the box):
cardboard/paper/wooden(non-shining) - humble personality [ouh thank you]
metal - proud and stuck up personality

(12) The material of the bridge:
metal bridge - have very strong bond with your friends
wooden bridge - average bond with your friends [really? well, yeah, i guess. but close friends would have stronger bond]
rattan bridge - you are not in good terms with your friends

(13) Colour of the horse:
white - your partner is pure and good in your heart. [oohweeee, could this be you?]
grey/brown - your partner is only average in your heart.
black - your partner doesn¡¯t seem to be good in your heart and appears to be bad sign.

(14) Horse action:
still and quiet/nibbling grass - your partner is a very homely and humble person. [could this be you again? i loooooike]
running about - your partner is a wild type person.

(15) This the last but most important part of the test.
From how I ended the story... a tornado approaches...
What are you going do? There are only 3 options:
(i) run and hide in the box?
(ii) run and hide under the bridge?
(iii) run to the horse, ride on and gallop away?

What will you choose?
Now, the above is signified by these things:
tornado - problems in your life
box - you
bridge - your friends
horse - your partner
(i) So if you choose the box, you keep your problems to yourself whenever you are met with problems.
(ii) or if you choose the bridge, you will go to your friends whenever you are met problems..
(iii) or lastly if you choose the horse, you seek your partner whenever you are met with problems. [hmmm, i think it's my blog(partner) you're talkin' bout? otherwise, i'd run to my close friends first]

So if you think this is worth to take some time to send it to your friends, then you are a friend indeed.Or you think it is kind of true, you can also send it to your friends cause you are true too.

hmmm. i think this's what you all call psychological stuff? i don't really believe in these kinda things, 'coz i'm more of a realistic person. well correct me if i'm wrong, okaye? i know zilch about these kinda topics.
but anyways, the thing is, people could've made alterations to these kinda things on email so accuracy may not be accurate anymore after all. otherwise, it just isn't accurate at all. my results [in red] as obvious as it is, are somewhat there. you judge, try it.