4th day

*SIGH*
fuck.

the SUDDEN changes.
very motherfucking unexpected.
don't know why.
ouh gosh.

ENLIGHTEN me!


i just hate this motherfucking feeling.

and to make things even worse, it just had to show me the rumination...right beside me.
like what-the-fucking-hell.
FUCK.


~
i feel unkempt.
i was pushed away three times in a single day by a single person.
what the fuck am i doing.


are we havin' some mutual feeling of...?
don't ever hesitate to tell.
today's just sooooo fucking different.
fuck, really.
so much for doin' my part...it all went down the drain.


i guessed you didn't hear clearly. i SAID at the counter when you asked me what i was doin' there; he's Thiru, my bestfriend. and i think your reaction was you understood because you nodded or at least some kind of reaction that you understood. unless you were too busy or something that you just gave me some kind of response to show me you got what i was trying to tell you.
anyway i wanted to introduce you guys to each other. but too bad...you didn't give me the chance.

hope

hmmm...
"cute marching songs"...
reminds me of his deep voice on the phone.
gahh. why did i have to read that!
it's all gone - really, but i don't get why it still lingers in my system.
i know i know...it's not a computer system where you can just delete it permanently...but still.
sigh.
i just freakin' hate the feelin' everytime it takes my mind back to those times. stupid, really.

~
12th was the night,
19th, the night i would've preferred to have said it personally; if you only knew.

finally? but maybe i just need another reassurance that may possibly be the answer and that could make me happier and that could take away the pain i still have left...was this how hurt i was? shux, really.


but hey. i guess it's all good - i HOPE it's all gonna be good.
you are gonna make sure it'll be good right? although i'd rather hear you'd "make sure it'll be the best"...
well, you will, won't you?



~~
you know, you really are a wonderful person and i am just uberly grateful to have met you. those chats we had and still have...i still keep in mind. when you told me you'd never want your future-wife to work, i knew the type of guy you already are. i'm still moved by the moment when you told me you felt your money and time was all worth it with me. and then, hearing you say you want that type of girl, i was really very ecstatic. i mean, what else can any girl or lady or woman ask for in a man who is almost so perfect for them? who wouldn't want someone like you; who's willing to take care of someone you love rather than you being the one taken care of? you have poured out your love and care to the people around you, i know. i may not have seen, but from your past grumbles about the friends you sincerely cared about, i know, really.
i may JUST be your friend. but i know, i'm very blessed to have a friend like you - yes, i mean really blessed. you already know i love you. and you're one of the best things in my life.
and i really hope, someone comes to take care of you like you take care of all of us; the people you've taken care of.
i know it's too early for that prayer, but hey, we don't need the right time hoping and wishing for something, right? heehee. i really mean it. :)

vertigo

i haven't been feelin' well for the past few weeks...well, years if i should really count...
the frequent headaches that feels like a time-ticking bomb, ready to explode any-freaking-time, just keeps comin' back. gahh.
i do not know what's wrong with me. and like i said befo, i probably duwanna.
but anyways, i didn't go to work today; the headache, the giddiness, that heavy feelin' just didn't allow me.
ouh gosh.
so i called in sick...and suddenly, corwin mentioned "MC"; which i so tota-freaking-lly forgot about! that i am working now!!! and MC is needed! sheeeesh. omg! it hit me again, i am gettin' older. hahahaha. i cannot believe i'm workin'! gahh. i just wanna stay home and stone all day long. sheeeeeesh!
okaye, i am reeeeeally very dizzy. and i haven't taken any medicine yet. ouh well, my end is nearing. wooooooootz! whatever...see ya'll at my wake, whenever.


by the way, thank you kelo baby, and berghen for yesterday. i love you guys. heehee.
and thank you for the concern today too; the "flowers" and the "leprechaun". thank you for everyday. :) thank you.

ti-u

happy birthday THIRU!!!

sadly, he's in Brunei...
ouh well, much love my tiu.

gone

SIGH.
knowhutt...
i hate liars. i hate traitors.

after her confrontation this morning about something,
it just hit me for the second fucking time...
to never fucking TRUST any-fucking-body AGAIN.
even if it's your relatives or cousins.

it took me years to let people in again...to confide in someone again...
then comes this...
it so totally made me be-in-a-huff this morning when i was about to leave for work; i didn't feel like working...
but y'know, i thought again, and i think it'd be better if i worked, rather than rotting at home, hearing stuffs i shouldn't be hearing.

c'mon...
they promised to not tell her...and i fucking believed.
and suddenly they keep tellin' her that "she doesn't know anythin' about me"
like.
sheesh.
damn.
fuck.
ugh!!!

you know that such a thing is a fucking big deal to her and ya'll told her like it's just something she can take. she's not gonna trust me anymore if she really finds out.

sigh. i hate ya'll. wtf.
if i can't trust my own cousins with secrets, what more with other people?!
right?
iunno who to trust anymore.

again.

i've lost my trust in people again.
i'm so sorry...
and no, i'm not gonna tell anyone about anything anymore.
it hurts, guys.
it hurts.


~~
well, thank you kiki, again.
and fyi, i'm working in tcc central. either clarke quay or central. okaye...

tutu.

and ouh!
befo' me forgetto...
well, yeah, i did forget...that's why i'm posting again. lol.
ouhkaye, befo' i forget...again!
ahh, moch betta.

anyhoo...so yeah.
emmm, after whut happened; dad's shaking-with-fury-yellings on the phone...i thought he'd be still fumin' mad when he picked me up at the lrt station...you know...the continuation of naggin' and scoldin'...
but awww, he's sweet tone came back, teehee. but i know his trust has lessened...sigh. utter disappointment.
ouh okaye, you nono the story...

~
ouhkaye, so the story goes...
i didn't tell him about the drinkin' session you see.
so emmm, when i conked out, iunno who exactly, i think kelo, got my phone into PUK. tahha. so, my bro and dad kept callin' and callin' for like 8423876123105 times and even went out to look for me at around 2-3am. dosh. and bro thought i went clubbin. lol.
ouhkaye, so then i woke up and did my puk sheyt[ouhkaye,that sounds wrong], chatted awhile...and then when we left, he called and...tadda. scolding. wooooootz.
then yeah, when he picked me up from the lrt, it's as if nothin' happened. sweet daddy! but i know...he's really disappointed. for not lettin' him know, and my phone getting PUK-ed...damn effed up 'coz he couldn't contact me. :(
~

emmm, to the concerned people, YES, i HAVE told dad about the work. teehee. i just cannot lie to 'em anymore. luckily he didn't scold! wooootz! but he said to make sure i maintain my focus on my studies...ouhkaye, now that part is sooooo hard. ouh c'mon. and emmm, only mom dunno nothin' yet. wonder if dad'll tell. but i doubt it. i don't think he'd wanna stun her with this. *that's like throwing shit in your face right after you stepped out of the house wearin' your best suit* :S so like, mom havin' just returned from her vacation and suddenly finds out sheyt. like omg. plus, you know how tight my parents are when comes to stuff like these. lolly. the work thingy, i think she still can take it lar. well, thanks dad.


thank you nga pala kelo, you stayed with me. wooooooooootz! hahahahaha. alagang alaga daw ako. galeng mo tol, you the man! hahahaha. naging tol eh noh. tahha.


yey! i can freakin hug momma tomarrah!!! woooooootz! i miss herr so the damn the much lah! i hope she didn't get chubbier :x really shia, later like mrs. viswa [the penguin] awww, sho cute! wooooootz.

i'm in

eyawww!!!
knowhutt?!
i spewed!!!
cool eyy?
for the first time. heehee!
so fun!
hahahaha.
but i missed the fun! :(
okaye, so, not fun! :(
i didn't get to sing :(
i didn't get to camslut! :(
i didn't get to drink more :(
if only i wasn't tired the past weeks. my body wouldn't have given up :(
i wouldn't have troubled 'em :(
sigh.
ouh! and i wouldn't have been stripped :D
tahha.
idiot.
i can't believe i puked with just that small amount, really.
ouh wells, there's a first time for everything.
wooooootz!
it's kinda facetious yet excruciating. tahha.
like so o-m-g.
like to the max. like to the bones. like to the therre. and like to the herre.
wooooooooooooootz!
gahh.
but i think it's a good thing. i got to sleep for the first time in a few weeks.
sheesh!
and i wonder if i fell and bump me head 'coz me right eyebrow and head and forehead is hurtin!
damn.
ate ghen-love said i hit me bum...ouh lol me.

and and and
knowhutt??!! [part2]
i got the job baby!!!
woooooootz!
yey.
dough baby!!!
shopping!!!
work=dough=shopping=ecstatic!!!
yet
work=exhausting=scraggier=hideous!!!
woooooootz!
tahha!
and i love the place imma work at :) the ambiance...and coffee!!!
wooooooootz!

ouhkaye, thank you guys for attending to me and emmm, thank you rizzy and fam for the hospitality.teehee. love. thank you talaga. wooooooootz. gross but fun. hahahahaha. ouhkaye, gross :X

i'm finally havin' my period, thank God. :) sorry ate ghen, di kita ma meet. maseket eh.
ouhkaye, bye.

i want in, please.

ouhhhhhhkaye!
school's focken' out fo meyy!
woooootz!

and befo' gettin' hypa...
i'd like to say...
WAD paper sucked!!!
fo'shizzle, ya'll'll say "ditto".
sigh.

well, despite wakin' up at 5 on tuesday and 7 today, i still arrived late. lolz. k, wa-evvah that.
anyways, so when i opened the paper, and saw the first page questions, i thought imma enjoy doin' it...
so i was doin' doin'...
'til i reached question 11...and ouh-me-gaw. my eyes grew wider and my brows just raised higher and higher. *DISASTER*...
~so okaye...ya'll know whaddat means oweddey.~

so yea, blahblahblah. thank kiu. haha, "scared" to go out? more like "duwanna"...
but nah, i think it'll only jeopardize our bond if i do that.
yeap, great deal. nice negotiating with you. hahahaha!
and it's always been worth the time. :)


~~~
ouhkaye, time for some serious shout-outs...
i would like to apologize to you guys for not being there when you needed me; physically.
but now with exams over, i HOPE [well, no promises], i'd be able to meet up wii ya'll 'ready.

tasha love, sorry for missing your birthday [though you know i've always been]...and for not being able to meet up when you were at the bottom - again.

thiru, for being unable to meet up before you left for Brunei and to celebrate your birthday in advance; ouh well,
take good care, huh? when you get back...surely.

lee, i know...it's been a while.
glenny, you too, muay thai idiot... :P
emman, hahaha, next year lah you, lol.

emmm, and to anybody else who wants cares to meet me, lol.
cheers ya'll.

i want those pink shades :(

gahh.
knowhut!?
i am very...

sleepy!
but...

i cannot sleep!!
lerrrrrrr........
these past few days.
i turn in early at night; whenever i feel somnolent
but i JUST cannot sleep.
whadda!
and and and.
i already took a few shots of chivas just to help - make me feel groggy...
STILL cannot.
if only i can drink the whole thing and still wake up at 5am larrr...
ouh gawwww.
me hate me hate.

i just wanna REST my mind and wake up feelin' FRESH!!!
is that sooooo hard to doooo?!
i-d-i-o-t-a-h-h.

i cannot wait for friday's jamboree!!!
wooooooooooooootz!
okaye, more like shindig, actually.
booze baby!
i hope it'll be enough.

i cannot wait for 1230pm! later!!!
wooooooooooooootz!
tahha!
when 1230h strikes, school's out for me 'til DEC!!! or is it JAN?
muahahahahahaha.
luvettttt!!!
okaye. i'm still NOT sleepy.
i'll just bang me head on the wall. =_="

wheels

why do i feel loathed?
i guess, i deserve it.
i've been spiteful...

but...
i cannot contain what i'm feeling. it's just too temperamental.
gahh. it's like, one moment, i'm fond of something, the next, i have repugnance over it.



~i'm still hanging on~

befuddled

it's so hard - dealing with the inconsistency of this feeling.
at times, i just cannot bear the company - whilst at times i enjoy it
the sequential questions i get, is an uber annoyance that renders me to mull over whether or not
i should prolong the situation i'm in.
thee be, in all probability, beleaguered...
but know that - i myself is feeling worse as i am making a tremendous effort to like a being - that
never really grasp my interest at the outset.

i am not prepared...
and it sickens me more - for i am only compelling myself

the sudden-thoughts of the recent past still haunts me - and i resent it so much.
the nostalgia would make me beam - then, abruptly be in abhorrence.
i fathom it's just not justified...
but i know, it will befall at the righteous moment - which i am solely patiently anticipating for.

i am not akin to anybody else
ergo regard me contrarily


gahh, i hate this. i certainly do.

beautiful in my eyes

i just want mommy.
i need mommy.
and i just finished crying.

sthu

shut the fuck up!!!
i'm like being bugged all the time la.
i'm really fucked up now, with the consecutive buggings.

i'm sorry if i don't reply to any of your messages, guys.
and i will NOT reply or answer any calls/smses

i'm doin' my notes.
that's why i'm not freakin' online on ym and msn. *sheesh*
you know how easily distracted i am and hard to get my focus back right?
if you don't, NOW you do.

my phone's on silent mode, okaye?
i will not go out until i'm done with my stuff here.
if i cannot finish it, then i probably will just stay home, okaye?
and again, i won't reply to any messages/calls, UNLESS it's got to do with the exam.
okaye?!

i cannot even help around the house even if i want to and already people expect me to have time for them, please la.

i'm just doin' my fucking best not to get distracted...sigh.

halohalo

i just miss mommy.
i'm thankful she's home safely.
gramms ecstatic too, probably.
dad called them minutes before i reached home. :( didn't get to talk to her.

and sigh, i've planned to cuddle in with them during the weekend; but just got carried away with school stuffs.
anyway, i just wish she'd unwind and relish her stay there with loved ones.

dad and i were so delighted for her when it was time for her to board; she undoubtedly seemed so stoked that after she got her passport chopped and all, she just walked straight ahead without lookin' back and wave... lol. so dad and i raced to call her and and told her what she just did lar. she was surprised herself; she didn't realize at all. tahha. mom, oh mom.

anyways, thank you ate ghen for the hospitality despite the ambush visit, tahha. mina's lovely. you're really very ate-ish. awww. and and and i just remembered; no wonder i loved you that fast, it's 'coz you look like my cousin, tintin. hah. awww, i miss her.
thank you kel.
thank you el, kiki, fir, nodick for the frequent check up on me
i just realized redzal has the eyes of jericho rosales.
i saw ain [balestier]
thank you dad.
bert looked comical just now, bustling himself.
i saw rosfarina.


*and kiki, i so totally forgot about the fasting...i wanted to even call you for sushi snack. hahahahhaa! and sorry kiki. 3-DAY-old pinky shades...yang right eyeglass template pecah. like your recent thrashed shades. :'( sigh. careless me.