wrath

hello again.

i'm in the blogging-mood tonight. heehee.
anyways, i just wanna thank ghen aka ate babe for saturday's celebration. i could've enjoyed it more if i wasn't sick and was able to drink and my folks not being so bigoted. i didn't even have the chance to spend at least a minute of our special day 'cuz i had to go home before 12, shux to that. ouh well, ouh well.

i haven't really been talkin' to them...unless spoken to. but yeah, of course, respect is still there, but my pride is also there - and theirs as well. since we all think we are right in our own way, then i guess we'll leave it at that. i think i'm old enough to know my rights and my freedom...and i guess it's something they will never accept. if at 23, my brother's still being constrained, what more when i reach the legal age? i understand their concern...i know it's about our safety they're worried about. but if they're forever gonna be like that, then they're treating us more like lil children than adults.

many say kids' attitude or behaviour's kinda genetic. i kinda doubt it. my brother and i, are adventurous and like to explore stuff. but we just never really got to, because of their fear of our well-being. well, at least my brother, being a guy, has done many things already. being the youngest and the only girl, the belt's tighter on me. that sucks! sexists! lol.

ouh there. mom just came into my room, lookin' suspicious and starts shootin' questions again. ever since dad saw me with kiki last week, they've been bombarding me with speculations! it's really gettin' on my fucking nerves. my life here at home haven't been smooth since secondary school. up and down. but it's this week that really triggered my wrath towards them. sigh. running away won't help if that's what you're thinkin. that's plain stupid. it's not as if it'll better things.
if i come clean, they'll force me stop and end things. so you see? what choice do i have but to remain silent, right? i'm seriously gettin' disgruntled with everything that ever since saturday night, i decided to not argue back and just remain silent all the way, letting them think that they're right. because seriously, no matter how open i try to be...they'll shut me out eventually.

the thing that ticks me off is when dad makes a joke about me having a boyfriend and stuff but when i try to open up, their mood changes. sheeesh! tell me about that. it's like you thought they'd open the 'freedom' door but as soon as you take a step closer [utter something], they shut the door. crazy.

and one last thing, i feel ouh-so-fucking-stupid right now, feelin' all-so-excited, waiting down here since i got home three hours ago and suddenly i JUST received a message that says goodnight...sheesh. i'm really fucked up again. i got shut out again!!! ugh!!! all the while i thought my phone's gone bonkers again! but geez! i so need that mathafuckin' anger-management! like seriously! i h-a-t-e everyone right now.
already so many things that i've been so excited about d-i-d-n't happen, and now it's even worse! FUCKING HELL. i feel i'm being taken for granted :(
i'm being pushed aside...i'm really hating you guys...
fine!

and again, my header and footer contradicts.

IAP

good evenin' guys.

work has been consistent for the past weeks.
first week of attachment was on Creative Product-Training.
so, to roughly sum it up, we took 3days learnin' on mp3 players plus the softwares.
webcams, video-conferencing device plus the softwares on the 4th day.
headphones, speakers, soundcards plus the softwares on the last.

well, fun learning and fiddling with the devices...but there's just too much to remember. especially the troubleshooting steps and stuff. ouh well, glad i'm put in the Direct Sales team. so basically i just have to answer the questions the customer is enquiring about a product he/she is interested in. but still, it takes time searching for sheyts.

and here's the catch...we, in DS have a quota of 70+ mails a day...or is it 100+? because Technical Support's quota's 60+ and they say DS is to be expected to do twice as much. and our time limit's only 3minutes while TS is 6. that includes your researching for answers and typing your email. =_=" well so far, the most i can do is 31 emails. hahahaha. how fun is that?

and here's somethin' else. because we are put in Customer Service [not really in the line of IT anymore], the school told Creative to give us a project related to our course. [=.= to that...]
two options for the project :
> to create a...you know the recent project for mr. soong? yeah...that one. the coding sheyt with database...
> to create a...errr, flash animation of any mp3 players that allows you to navigate on the computer; which means when you click on the 'play' button of the player in the computer, the screen of the player should be moving exactly how it should be on the device.

so our resources for that?
first option : we are to use C# programming language! [something we were not taught before]
second option : flash program [something we learned but just the very basic of it]
do we have any other choices? well, we can opt out of the project and 100%-ly focus on doin' emails.

to be honest, if i had a choice, i'd rather concentrate on doing emails. but i don't think it's even a choice. it's fine with the company but with our school? highly unlikely. in the end, the school will be the one grading us still, right? so really, it sucks. i mean for now i'm not feeling the stress but when we start doin' the freakin' project, ahhhh, i'm gonna be seen with that grumpy, grouchy, petulant face again. sheeesh!

it's like...a month ago, i had to learn about food and drinks, now it's another thing. like, sigh. always learning! always being graded! always, tsk, haiyuh!

you see, i started out calmly with the greeting and ended up with sulkiness! tssshhh...

octobirthdays

happy 19th birthday ervene gianelli amador ama [27/10]

happy belated 19th birthday aishah [13/10]
happy belated 19th birthday glenny [24/10]
happy belated birthday to gramms, jovita polis [25/10]
happy birthday choi [26/10]
happy monthsary to us [26/10]

more octobirthdays, i just forgot who and when ;X
but yeah. happy birthday!

26/09/08, 2330h

happy monthsary
to us. ;p

more engot days to come!
foreder engotz :)
hahahaha

misconstrued

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahaha

That’s what’s been goin’ through my mind when I was being disciplined by mom. I guess dad couldn’t take the pressure ergo he decided to not ‘join forces’ with mom to reprimand me and just stayed in the room.
Well, yeah, he got ireful on the phone that he let the cat outta the bag about the time I barfed. I reached home and mom’s eyes seemed like she just finished sobbing. I reckon she cried upon learning the situation I got into, while she was away.
Another disappointment?
Ouh freakin’ DUH to that.

BUT I surprisingly am not fucked up with myself!
I was in fact, snickering!!!
Ouh cheeky me. Or it’s probably the evil me that dominated my whole system throughout the session with mom…
I AM mean…for goin’ against my folks and even hating them many a times when situations like these happen.
I’m guessing they thought I’d still be their ‘baby-girl-that’s-very-obedient-and-will-always-be’ …
Well, snap back to reality already. No-freakin’-body’s freakin’ perfect. You can’t forever think I’d never do such things…that I won’t give problems like Kuya did…and does...and will do.
I’m old enough for the whole universe’s sake! You gotta chill mann…chill…
If only there really is a chill pill… sheeesh!

Mom mentioned about the things that MAY happen to me if and when I’m not by their side, etc…
And really, the only response my mind could give was that snickering. Because the things she mentioned, had already happened to me ;p
Okaye, well, not to be braggy…but yeah, y’know.
So then she raked up the freakin’ comparison with cousins AGAIN. PLUS my aunt sayin’ that mom doesn’t know me well… =_=”
And I just nodded. I mean, there’s nothin’ else I could do but nod y’know…it’s something I heard for over gazillion times that it’s become a cliché. And it’s true anyway, you guys don’t know me well.
And yeah, she said I changed. [my reaction: Hahahah. I’ve just been too discreet in my younger days, it’s why y'all didn’t notice. I only got more blasé when I left HS. So that’s why you’re not used to catching me red-handed.]
And also…she mentioned about…’just one mistake, and everything falls apart; the trust is gone’
Aaand, once again, yep! I nodded! I just wasn’t in the mood to defend myself, to argue over things that I already know I’m right about; well - partly right about.

I mean, look at how shallow we people can be. With just one freakin’ mistake, all the good things that you’ve done and sacrificed your happiness for, all corroded by that single offense. Sheesh.
I guess she won’t even consider my choice of not bickering with her as a sign of respect. I didn’t answer back because my respect and love is there. But I guess it’s something they won’t acknowledge ‘cuz they EXPECT me to not do that, anyway.
Ouh well. *rolls eyes*

Tell me how fun it is to have parents like these? I mean, I’m not questioning or deriding their parenting…but I think in general, many parents are like mine. They think they’re doin’ the right thing…when they’re actually only pushing their kids to go beyond the limits they give…Be neutral mann. You gotta slacken off. What? Even at 40 you’d still be like this towards me? Hahahaha. and here then I thought, when I was younger, I was anxious to get older ‘cuz I know you’d loosen up. But fuck damn, the older I get, the tighter the belt. You may as well just lock me up in my room 24/7 then you won’t get worried no more ;)
Lol. Parents…Even my brother agrees with me.

The things is…I’ve been tellin’ them about today since last week til yesterday and they KEPT nodding and when the day came, they say they didn’t understand what I was conveying. So what language was I speakin’?! Dad said ‘reminding’ and ‘seeking permission’ are two different things. So then fine. Don’t nod ya head when you don’t get what I’m sayin! Sheesh! Cut me some slack, guys. It’s so hard livin’ under your roof and havin’ to follow your for-kids-only rules! I’m sick to death pretending to be a good daughter in front of y’all. Yeah, call me a cunning ‘itch. I just cannot be fucking bothered anymore. I’m not gonna please ANYONE just to hear praises. Stop ‘campaigning’ my name ‘cuz you’ll just embarrass yourself – again.

relieved

hellerrrr!!!
i haven't blog-ged for long-ged...lol-led...
okaye, lame =_+"

so how's errbody been? good? fine? not?

huwell...emmm, things have been different for me this year, i should say.
i know it's gonna seem/look cliche on this blog...
but really! i just didn't think i really COULD do what i'm doin' right now - although i have PICTURED how things WOULD be...
but now that it's actual, i should say i'm pretty much pleased with myself. heehee. i mean...not to be braggy and all, but i just feel i have attained something i didn't think i could, y'know? [it may seem shallow to you, but because we lead different lives...my level of achievement isn't as high as yours]
i mean, workin' my ass like this? wooootz. tiring...but the sense of accomplishment is there, so yeah.

just last saturday, my so-called 'last day' at tcc [before attachment started], we had a slam and i got kinda...y'know - from the captain, so that was a really not up to scratch for me and i was glad it was gonna be my last day for now then. but because of my monday and tuesday's blues about the things happenin', i decided to not give a fuck and just freakin' work.
and so, when i gave a thumbs-up on wednesday to work today, they put me at CQ...and upon reading the message, my eyes grew wider, my heart beat faster and my mind was like so messed up i couldn't think properly and i was just freakin' out!
i was really down til this mornin' that i didn't know what to do and how to back out...when i woke up this mornin' i actually was so worked up about how things were gonna be for me later on, that i chickened out and called up my manager and came up with something just so i wouldn't work there [today, or ever]...but in the end i had to...so yeah, i did. and on the way, kelo was feelin' tensed for me too that i felt bad...

and after all the jitters and the heebie-jeebies...everything went smoothly :)
and and and!!! shah granted me the 2month break! :P
and not to be bias...but the people at CQ are better than the ones at CAS; there's more interaction and people teaching.
anyway, after work, went to CAS, took my pay and like i said, it's really little...so i apologize to friends i really wanna treat. i'm disappointed myself...

i gave all my pay to my parents, without being prompted by mom coz i really wanna help anyway, and besides, it's for my future too. i felt sad that what i worked for will just go for my freakin' school fees but when i saw their faces, it just jazzed me up coz i know besides it being of a big help, i felt their being proud of me; of what i did. and i think it's all worth it. i mean it's not like it's gonna be like this forever, right? sheesh. heehee



~~~
i miss you guys so much. i haven't met any of y'all for so long.
i know...we're all waiting for that one day...
ouh well, one day...

4-in-1

mood: thwarted, envious enraged...

enraged because...
i'm late for my attachment-work on both first and second day...yeah i know it's nothin' new.
but...the who reminded us to not be late for 30mins in a month [or somethin'] or else he'll have to report to our school and our pay'll be cut...and...
and...iunno...i think they may "dismiss" me...sigh.
enraged because...
at my workplace i've also been warned about my latecoming. sigh.
one or two minutes, they're already very strict about that...what more with 15-60mins...i'm havin the hardest time. sigh.


enraged because...
i have to be compared to my lovely, beautiful younger cousins almost all of the time mom sees me. the messy hair, the shambolic room, the ugly skin, the scraggy-whacked look, the sooo-lazy-can't-even-help-around-the-house-like-they-do-and-take-note-they're-so-young attitude i have...
i get it. i'm just not the dream kid you used to be very proud of anymore. i've lost all that. all i do now is disappoint Him, disappoint people, disappoint myself.
like i said before, don't ever brag about me anymore, coz i'm only gonna be an utter frustration when you find out about my doings. sigh.


thwarted because...
i don't think i can save ANY from what i PLANned to save FOR...from what i WANNA save FOR from my earnings...from what i NEED to save for...sigh.
i guess i can slowly feel the sorta "self-support" my friend's been experiencing...i have to pay for my school fees this time, cuz mom said they have to pay the bills. i understand. cuz i told them before, if i can, i won't wanna depend on them...it's just that, i think what i'mma get, isn't enough for everything - in short, if i pay my school fees and hp bill, i won't have anything left for splurging. [my pay minus my latecomings equals to really little].
so i'll just forget about whatever sheyt...and i'll just do my best to work my ass off for money. money i won't get to enjoy. the only thing that pushed me to work for [besides experience] is extra income...that's what gives me the drive to get my ass up for work almost every day. now i don't see the point in working, but maybe to just help my parents...ouh well. that's a point, right? so yeah. but i just don't know if tcc's gonna wanna keep me since i'm still a novice...and slow and dumb. sigh.


thwarted because...
i miss kelo baby so much that i don't get tired or sick of being with him and i just wanna be with him every moment. but school has started and even if i was the one who suggested to meet at least once a week so that we could both focus on our stuff [his school, my work], i am always the one kinda buggin' him. so sinabe nya saken kanina - na wag ko maxadong isipin kung kelan kame mag mmeet or wag xang isipin maxado [dal alam na nyang mahal ko naman xa] para maka focus ako sa work...thwarted...ako pa tuloy yung napagsabihan kase ako yung nag sabe tas di ko naman sinusunod. sigh. mahirap lang kase. but i'm doin' my best. nakakabwiset lang yung feeling. nakaka walang gana. nakaka sabik kaya lumalayo nalang ako ng konte miske sa text/call/chat man lang. sigh. ayokong masanay na nanjan ka kase hahanap-hanapen ko yan. kase may panahong nde tayo magkikita ng matagal; be it vacation overseas or whatever. kaya sabe ko ayokong pasukin toh. pero andito nako. ouh well. sigh.

"napamahal n ntin maxado isat isa, hard to let go wat we get used to"
- don

work

heyhey...
hehe, how are you guys?
i'm doin' fine.
just pretty caught up with work.
no time for - and - with family at all.
just like before...when i felt lonely 'cuz they're all occupied with work...
and the only time we see or talk is when we reach home, greet one another and i'll make 'mano po' to my parents [salam as most of us know; although it's hand-to-forehead] talk a lil then go to our room and all.
i haven't joined them for any meals for a week plus now 'cuz they're at work when i'm home and when they reach home, i'm at work.
awww...ouh wellz.

anyway, i think it's all gonna be kinda back to normal this comin' week onwards since attachment's starting and the workin' hours ain't so late like tcc's. but emmm, it's gonna be worse though, with the overtime and all. so be prepared for my whines. but ouh well, we're not gettin' any younger...we can't expect things to be so relaxed...
so i guess, carefree-jojo ain't gonna be so carefree no more huh? i mean, towards some things, perhaps.
i am still relaxed when i work though...i move at my own pace...and i laugh when i see my colleagues move fast like they're always rushing...and then they break things. sheeesh.
but i dread the day i will be shifted to CQ-tcc 'for more training' [where actually 99% will quit and 1% will stay, and also, where girls will DEFINITELY cry]. that's how strenuous and torturous that place is. and i doubt no one can actually "motivate" me unless they experience it themselves...so all the "you-can-do-it, you'll-get-through-it, it's-just-a-few-days-of-hell" kinda thing won't help.
shux. creeps me out!!! like fucking hell imagine lah! i work at creative then go there work night shift. wooooootz, hell.
i'd rather stay at CAS[my workplace now] at least it's not so busy compared to CQ.

but i was thinkin'...that they put me at German Centre boutique, cuz at least it's near Creative...
but i still have to see if i can handle the bustle. daddy and baby said if they don't allow me to NOT work for two months and they let me go, then fine, i'll just find another. awww, but i really wanna stay if i got the choice. ouh well. fuck it. come what may...haha. as if.

eeeesh! i'm still the lazy-me! i just wanna relax and enjoy the nature.
hmmm, ouh by the way, thanks guys for the movie night out after my work [with surprise special delivery]...it's probably the last time FOR NOW that i'm gonna chill with friends. too bad i didn't get to meet the rest. sigh. i miss Dino-deedee!!! ouh well ouh well. i'mma bath now. WORK!!! =_="

grades

FUCK...
my fucking gpa fucking dropped!!!
from the digit of 3+- to 2++
gahhh!!!
what the fishuck!
and the culprit?
SOONG!
like O to the M G!
that guy's got some kind of a total depression...that he just HAS to pull us all down!
and his karma? baldness? tahhahahahahaa. okaye, shu'up! :X

y'know, he's really a nice guy infront of you...but a real fucking asshole. like what the fucking hell? you may see him take things lightly; smiling at your jokes or whatever-sheyt but when comes to academic...he JUST have to pull us down. so that's how he takes retribution against us eh?

well...you guys may say that i can't TOTALLY blame the guy because I'M at fault...
but knowwutt???
remember the FINAL-YEAR-PROJECT that i took as a motherfucking challenge to be with a group i didn't think i can produce something that we're supposed to produce...
yeah...
THAT!
FUCKING HELL, son-of-his-mother! eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!! i just feel like PULLING the remaining strands...or bunch of hair he has on his head!
and take note, i said PULL!!! NOT shave. and pull HARD!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!!!
you fucking forced me in a group i didn't wanna be in and taddaaaa..."ouh, thank you for my grades"
UGH!!! that's what fucking pulled me down...hmmm, then just imagine if i did worse for my assignments and tests...geez!

he better not be our Liaison-Officer for our attachment! he's sure just gonna fucking give us a fucking c-r-a-p!!! and i mean junk-crap...like something we worked fuckin' hard for and we just get paid 2cents...gahh!!!


*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh*woooooooozzzzaahhhhhhh* [calming down...]
well, okaye, on a side note...
for those who're damn curious...and i don't care if you not either...*rolls eyes*
i got in! - the CREATIVE company fo' my attachment...foof!
fyi, i'm not a fan of their products anyway...hahahaha...unless you gimme a free product that will really wow me and make me take back my words...wehhh.
well, be prepared and expect the unexepected...wooootz!
the bitchiness, the politics, the cruelty, the abusiveness of some people who are actually fated to go to hell [wooopz?] :X hahahaha
well, okaye, i don't want to go to hell...but i don't wanna be a hypocrite coz i MAY just make the same mistakes...sooo count me in...NOT! bluekkk!!!
okaye. there! bye!

the irony

awww, i cannot believe i'm here...
i'm so amazed by how i got here.
i'm in love with a guy i never liked...
nor was i even attracted to in the first place.

well, we dated, we hung out...
and to be freakin' honest,
throughout that period...
i never once had feelings for him.
although i DID see the potential...

hmmm, we USUALLY go through the phase of liking someone...or falling-in-LIKE BEFORE fallin-in-love right? right? right?
well, not for this one...
i struggled...i hung on...i gave it a shot...
i didn't wanna be the quitter that i am; that shuts people out when i see there ain't hope for us both to be together. "sorry, i really don't think there's EVER gonna be an 'us' "...
well, frankly, this is what i've always thought AND felt with this guy.
YES...really, really.

but freakin' hey!!!
it paid off...i gave him the chance to like [or love] me...
and look!
cupid's arrow hit me so fuckin' hard that i'm head over heels in-love with him.
awww.
i ponder about this every night...
and i remember what i went through.
and i thank God...
yeah, yeah...ya'll'll be thinkin that maybe it's too early to say these kinda things...
but y'know, sometimes you just have to put faith and trust in something...
well, i'm not saying "in ANYthing"...but in SOMEthing you think will be worth putting those...

the first few days that i got to know him...i already knew he's a very good guy...but i just didn't feel anything for him...nothing...
but i'm like so freakin' thankful, grateful, glad, appreciative and...whatever more words you can describe fo that feeling for emmm...givin' me that faith to have faith in someone.

i mean...i think it's an improvement alright...
unlike before when you just have flings...
and besides those flings you still flirt with others...[flings and flirting are different].
sheesh. ouh wellz. whatever that.


hmmm, but on a LIGHTER note...just like any other guys, he can be an asshole y'know...hahaha. sheeesh....*rolls eyes*...guys...

jang!

what does this mean? the frequent ruminations that is not only visiting my mind when i daydream...but also in personal; on my way back home last night, right beside me! and just last night again, in my dream.
gahh. what is it with this person that is just so hard to let go of? i feel like a ghost roaming around this dimension; unable to move forward just because i have an unfinished business...
it's really annoying.
i mean, i even doubt we're both experiencing the same thing...it'd be nice if that happened though...but i think it's just me, only me. but how come it's happenin' more and more these days? shhhhux! is this a reminder of what's gonna happen with what i'm doin' now? or is something astonishing gonna happen soon?
well, if it's just gonna be another disappointment, then enough already.
i don't wanna go through another fuck sheyt.

i am dumb

if you're gonna read this, read EVERY WORD...and don't jump so you won't misinterpret.

i'm too fucked up to even keep this discreet. i know it's not a nice way to probably fix things with someone but this is the only fuckin' way i can let out my feelings and even convey my messages CLEARER because you can fucking read it over and over again and the words won't change like how you can when you say it.

i know.
i'm a bolshie person to love.
i already knew that.
i've been self-reflecting...learning about myself...for the past few years...
and i saw my weaknesses...
and my strengths...
my good points...
and the bad...
and i know i have more weaknesses and bad points than that of strengths and good points.

it's why i wasn't ready for another relationship.
it's why i pushed people away as early as i can; so as to not add to their burden.

but they just keep comin'...
and i'm grateful for that. i always am.
i'm grateful for the people who stood by...be it friends or guys.

but here i am again...
entered a yet another complication-in-life situation i'm still not ready for but decided to go for it any-fucking-way...
and tadda...
as expected...[but not this soon]...a squabble... miscommunication...

your HURTING assumptions about me...meant you DIDN'T trust me ENOUGH. or maybe you NEVER did...
your thoughts just made me look like a fucking HOE.
well, then if you THINK i'm one...WHY still go after me?
you already knew me way before we got together...you already know i have many guy friends...
then why still think i'm goin' out with RANDOM guys?
and if you THOUGHT i was still a flirt...do you think i'd be dumb enough to go out with someone infront of you?
sheeesh.
do fucking-hell remember...i have a DIGNITY


knowwhutt...dump me if you want...
cuz i don't really know what to say...
you JUST lost your trust on me.
i can't believe you did.
you LOST it when you thought of me that way and when you typed those "beautiful" words...

i know i'm a fucking stubborn person...
i'm a hard person to love...
i'm very petty...
so if you don't think you can take it...then just let go...

isn't it just a wrong time...
just remember, i'm not a hoe who gives in to anybody just like that.
gawsh.
i'm not a hoe at all.

don't you ever think...that this is a small thing i'm whining over and that can be forgiven and forgotten easily...you may always give in to my wishes and wants...but i'm not like you. like i said, if you're feeling the pressure, then let go.
and ouh, i'm NOT asking you to. i'm givin' you a CHOICE. i don't wanna add to your burden. because i know you're just gonna have a hard time with me.


~~~
if you only knew...how i wanted to surprise you.
how stoked i was to introduce you to my bestfriend.
how ecstatic i'd feel.

but ouh well...
bottomline: you LOST your trust on me; you don't trust me...and you INDIRECTLY regarded me as a hoe. sheeesh. your girlfriend is a hoe. morning with one guy sending her to work, evening with another sending her home...that's what hurt me.
y'know, gettin' jealous is one thing, but havin' thoughts of someone you "love" that way is another. way before we met, my friends have always been like this to me. and i fuckin' promised myself this is not gonna change when i have someone already.


well, get your facts right...don't jump to conclusions.
i'm NOT sorry that i have good friends like them.
i don't even know why i entered this...i told myself i will only say yes when you've accepted me for me. well, you obviously have not.