putatively 28th...

i'm not insensitive to actually not remember this day...
feelings and thoughts are effete if you refuse to divulge it...
for you will forget the days you felt that way...
hence my frequent disclosure ritual

i treasure every thing that has hit and hits me hard.
;)

i treasure 26. ;)

i'm hard! ;p

here's what you'll agree with...

3 reasons you'll hate and unlove me:

1] i'm hard to please

2] i'm hard to convince

3] i'm hard to love

cuz i am a hardheaded & hardhearted person.

period.

pain

sigh. okaye. so he's totally taking me out of his life.
days back...he still had our photos in his 'Profile Pictures'. now it's gone. and cropped. =.=
then lesslie...
what a fucking weigh-down...
just feel like really goin' off already...

i feel like Saturday's chat was useless.
even if God knows i didn't lie much to him...
and i was brave enough to be guilty and i came clean in the end, it's useless.

the more i see disappointing things...the more i'm really gonna retaliate...it's just not helping me...it's dragging me further down.

love is unjust.
the emotional pain i feel is like death...
i'm havin' thoughts of it again...
it's crazy but... 2nd heartbreak from a Filipino guy i gave my everything to. even more than my 1st love...
just too much.
i'm givin' up soon.......
it's gonna be a real goodbye.
don't be surprised if one of these days...
;'(

gettin' up.

yesterday & yesternight...was an outpour of despair.

i know not what had gotten into me but i know i still intent to mend the bruise i have caused both of us.

it will take time.

please, give me time.

for time heals everything, they said.

i want to learn to love myself again first...

before i continue to love you again...

i still love you so much...

but i wanna transfer that excess love for you ['so much'] to my own soul first.

i'm still lost.

most of the things i'm doing is out of heartbreak.

the happiness i get from the people around me is temporary...

due to lack of self love, perhaps.

i've learned to depend my felicity on the people around me.

i wanna learn to trust, love and believe in myself once more.

it may take days, weeks, months, even years.

but i hope you'll still wait.

inform me, if you can't.

i'm just lost.

i need everybody's guidance.

your guidance.

show me you still care...

"no regrets, just lessons learned."

bitterness.

ouch.
that's so unjust.
so ungentlemanly...
cut the convo cuz your're being whelmed by your fucking ego again! my enemy!
ugh! give me more reasons to unlove you, please?!
just so i can get over you already?!
please?! i just need more of those hurtful words...
so i can hate you.
i hate this fucking feeling but the more you hurt me...the more i get numb...the more i get stoic.
i just wanna be stoic on love again.
i learned to love real...but i end up hurt.


fuck.
you just provoked me.

i wanna play with love again. i wanna see how guys hurt like i just did.

bitterness.

you are unjust.

i am gonna haunt you when i fucking die.

son of a fucking bitch!

only just a dream...PART 2

i didn't know sleeping all day can give me dReams i dReam of happening...but is FAR FROM HAPPENING :(

UGH! i just woke up fRom anotheR dReam of us...OOG.

why is it that now that we'Re gone, i get fRequent dReams of him?! and didn't when we weRe still togetheR...tsktsktsk...

i was back in singapoRe...and michael and i met at a shopping centRe somewheRe in City Hall to have the pRopeR closuRe.

i decided we eat fiRst...the place we went to...was a buffet place [cosy auRa] tho with a confeRence being held =/

then at the side of it, was like a small paRt of a Food CouRt wheRe we could BUY food...took me long to decide what food to buy...tho i don't RemembeR if i got to eat cuz of the long queue in eveRy stall =/

we then went to a bookshop, fooling aRound while looking foR a plastic coveR foR my notebook =/

then walked while chillin' like how we used to be...

we Reached my place then we went inside my Room...we played the bike thingy foR kids? only thing is it's foR adults...lol. so we went Round and Round my Room...laughing ouR asses out...then we got tiRed and he laid in my bed. then i decided to join him afteR tuRning on music on my lappy. i laid down and i staRted to get emotional...and i kept saying soRRy and that i just want eveRything to be back to how we used to be...and that i pRomise to neveR do anything he doesn't like me doing anymoRe...my teaRs just kept Running down my face and he shut me up with his kiss...and we weRe about to make out when i heaRd noises outside...

i checked it out and mom and dad weRe theRe...Removing theiR shoes while talkin' 'bout the unknown shoes which they suspect was michael's cuz of the plan of having the closuRe i told them about.

"hey mom, dad...michael's heRe"

"yea, we noticed...theRe's a paiR of unknown shoes"

"hehe, yeap."

they weRe shaking theiR heads...thinking of malicious things =,="

*at 1709 houRs, James MoRRison's acoustic veRsion of bRoken stRing was playing on the Radio...
AND THAT WOKE ME UP!!!*

and i just got MORE emotional...tsss.

it's like...as days pass, the moRe i'm feeling of the loss?!

eh! why i always late Reaction aR?! OOG.

sigh. i can't change foR the betteR if i don't have a good Reason foR the amelioRation. he knew it way befoRe...once he leaves... i'll be like this. i just wanna be good again but...i can't see myself being good foR no one but him :( he's the Reason foR my change...tsss.
call me shallow, i don't give a fucking fuck.
yes, this is the immatuRe me...
you alReady know my weakness way befoRe yet you chose to use it against me by giving up on me...
i'm blaming you foR what i have become and am becoming now. tsk.

only.

ONLY YOU and your last chance can change me for the better again...

few days back, had a convo with momzky...then randomly brought michael up.
she asked how he was doing...

and i responded, "how was i supposed to know."

but that i also told her about the plan i have when i come back home...

that was to have a good closure...

then she got curious again as to why we really broke up.

and she wondered...

"so how...if you guys get married...if one makes a mistake...he'll leave just like that?"

"there's nothing we can do, mom. it's just the way it is..."

"haiyuh...whatever...just focus on your studies, okaye, baby?"

"yes mom... ;)"

ouhwell.

only just a dream...

wow. what a dream. ;)

but...

:(

i doubt it'll happen...

we were havin' our usual 'manila adventure' during his visits - tho in my dream, we really have parted... =/ [the irony of dreams...tsktsk...]
in fast pace he walked, while i tried to keep up from behind.
suddenly some guys hanging around along the streets were mumbling things to me as i walked past...
and michael [who probably took notice] got protective; and so grabbed my left hand and took big steps just to get me off that place...
he then pressed me against the wall and uttered: 
"i still love you, joanne. i just want you back..."
thrusted his body towards mine...then an exchanged of body heat
"i still love you too, michael...i love you."
" i just love you so much, baby..."
"i love you too baby..."
he then pulled away as he realized we were in public...
we continued walkin', only this time...with sparks ;p *fireworks! grenades! dynamite!*
we made a stop-over at a stall, ordered burger and hotdog sandwich while he went away for awhile...then came back with a bunch of friends who seemed to be working at those 'big blocks of ice' places...that was located just beside the stall we were at. introduced me to them then informed me they'll just go to the place for awhile. minutes later, i got bored and lonely and decided to follow him. saw the place that looked like trash with street kids playing with those big blocks of ice =/ 
went further in and found no one...
then i woke up. 
=_="

nice ending ar. to hell with whatever the shit that woke me up! thanks for spoiling my dream! tsss.

*snap back to reality, jojo*  tsss.

Relinquish.

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

hmmm...i guess i loved him too much that i had to let him go...
i dare not force myself into someone who chooses to walk away and doesn't want me anymore...
but my friends, especially those who know me longer, know well enough that what i had with him was real.
they saw the big change, the different and better me when i was with him...
they knew i gave my all. something i'd never do to any other.
the one i had with my first love...was nowhere close to what i had with him...
because my last wish and prayer from God...i requested for a last love that will last til my last breath...and when i get it...i will tReasuRe it and would give eveRything.

yes, i'm still a human being. i make mistakes.
i am guilty. but it's just not enough to bRing eveRything back. it's alRight. it's a lesson leaRned.



i've stopped hoping...but my fRiends aRe continuing the desire of us getting back one day.
"just let time heal" they said.

but it's too early to tell...for many words & promises were broken...
"foreder" for one...is really "whateder"-ish...
"i'm not gonna leave you"...
"no matteR what"...

i was just as huRt as he was/is?...

last chance...

last chance is all i need to be a good person...and be a better one...

but if i get no 'go' signal...means i'll continue this.

still being hopeful for the last time no more... ;)

updated: 2133h, 08/01/11

heart and soul piercer.

facebook message @ 2138h

"Hi, u dun need to reply to this, but this is just more like a final statement. I want to end this in a nice way, I dont wanna be angry towards you anymore. I cant do anything about it but this happens in love relationship. I want to move on comfortably. I didnt expect this to happen., but i dont like you being like that, and it hurts me that i cant take this anymore. Im not asking for any of ur explanations., Because i dont think there's any way, I can be with u anymore. But through the years ive learned things from you, thats why im thanking u for everything since u came to my life. now its over, new chapter of life for us will begin this new year. although i know its a terrible way to start a new beginning for us. But Im hoping for us to move on., and yeah, take care always, thanks and sorry for everything., I love you, GOODBYE..."

if the higher one [God] can forgive...why can't you? you're just his fucking creation...
you just proved to me that im unlovable. and i will FOREDER grasp that.
FUCK THIS.

i am a good liar

why did it have to come to this?

i came here to the Phils to fulfill my goals and dreams and you were in it.

i set limits to discipline our relationship...and to have a healthy one.

yet I WAS THE ONE who broke 'em.

THE IRONY i say.

i was optimistically tellin myself to pursue askin for that LAST chance cuz i wanna prove to myself that i can be a better person - if not THE best...
that the 2years and 3months+ we had together was worthy enough for that LAST chance...
that the change you saw in me, will be enough to say that i STILL AM worth loving.


but adversely...WHO AM I to ask for a last chance? WHO AM I to deserve that LAST chance? during our brabbles you have ALWAYS been telling me that you DESERVE someone better. so i definitely am NOT worth loving...


even if i defend myself saying 
"it's not as if i cheated...no THIRD PARTY was involved...i had been faithful and loyal..."
my conscience is telling me that i WASN'T HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY in the end.
and that alone...is more than enough for you to leave me.
and that...I HIGHLY RESPECT.
that's why i didn't dare beg much...and even if i want to, i just don't deserve an effortful, loving person like you - anymore.
MY SORRY IS OTIOSE.
my SORRY will not regress the past.
and even if you accept me again, you won't be as happy as you were before...your level of doubt in me will just increase even more...


but do remember always...the paroles of love that i have conveyed to you - were all genuine. 
even at present.
BUT since you called me a liar...[a "good liar" were the exact words you used...] everything i said and i'm saying now will all be just prevarications to you.
even if i say I LOVE MY PARENTS, it'll still be a lie to you.
the words just hit me so hard...that even i, don't trust in myself anymore.
that the words i'm uttering are all lies to my soul.
i have now acquired a self-doubt...just because you regard me as a liar.
that is gonna have a vast encroachment in my life now.
and for that, I THANK YOU.


i actually had a dream last night that you SMSed me. it all seemed so real...that despite dumping me 24hours back, you still greeted me...[this isn't the exact SMS but this was what i recalled...
"happy new year baby. take care. i'll always be here."
*BAAAAM*
another smasher.
i woke up...and being the "late reaction-er" that i am...made me realize that WE're totally gone.
i threw it all away. with just a lie.
i don't incisively know what you meant when you said 
"i should have told u earlier that im out of this"
i guess you've been wanting me out of your life way before but because i was being obstinate...you had no choice but to stick with me.


the split weighed me down so much that i only got to sleep at 4am...got up at 7am...finished up my fucking project til 1pm, slept til 3pm and got up with a bad bodyache...forced myself to bath and leave for calauan...my body was gonna collapse for not consuming anything since the last "bloodiness" meal i had. reached calauan, starving but i didn't get to eat cuz i felt like puking it all out...laid down and i just started shivering...ella called and i tried to sound as normal as i could just so i wouldn't worry her...i think it went well...well, i'm not regarded as a "good liar" for nothing right? JB gave me paracetamol to calm me down...pretty much worked...and here i am again...
i hope this gets worse though...cuz it's not like anybody would care if i stay, living in this world...a good liar like me do not deserve to live. i'm just one of those pests that should be rid of.

i hope you won't think too highly of yourself though. you had your own shortcomings that made me neglect you.

12 & 13 december convo we had...

you articulated "im not gonna leave u" for 3 times.

and you did anyway. 

ergo, we're both just liars...

you prolly had a HAPPY new year...now that i'm out of your life. something you've always been wanting. one day, we will have a proper closure...slap me in the face if you wish. i will not budge. i deserve every single injurious thing you can think about doing unto me. i don't even mind being killed. as long as you get your justice. i am ready. 

mdld...was and is worth loving. 

gianelli, thank you for bringing michael that day...the day when it all started.

i will forever cherish everything we had...good or bad.

but then again. i'm just a liar. you will never believe these words.

"the one who'll hurt you the most...is the one whom you/you've love/d the best..."