E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E!!! my desire for e-v-e-n a short hometrip reels back, it always gets disrupted! I’m once again losing hope to even spend some time back ‘ome. It’s so hard to keep my composure when something I’ve been longin’ for gets detered by some effin’ crap. Money is one thing…but the worst factor you’ll get is when your loved one has this enmity against you because you have wronged them and did foolish things sneakily [utter disappointment, I know] during your younger days and probably does not wanna see your fugly face again.
When I came here and I had emotional breakdowns, Mom and Dad promised me that I’ll get to go home on my holidays…that they will make sure I’ll get to be there again. Then things started to get shaky and we experienced some turbulence…we regained control…but not long after, we lost an engine…we were gonna crash…and to speed up that crashing, we lost the other engine. Months later, we recovered again but what’s the use? We’re still gonna crash right? Killing us slowly? Dayyymm.
When I was dispirited twice, I firmly told myself…I’m gonna freakin’ do something about it. I was so determined for that hometrip that I decided not to depend on my folks…that I won’t add to their financial problems anymore…that with the little allowance I get everyday, I’ll make sure I save up for that ticket. I have to come up with roughly $40 monthly til december and another $50 for the next summer hols[march]. When I told Dad my plan, he then explained that I may not be able to go back there because of the foreigners’ rocky stand in SG. But I still insisted and added that one reason of wanting to go back is to terminate my singtel hp line. Senseless, that it will only trigger him to blow up his temper on me, he attested my faults[unspecifically] crisply. Not only did I feel a prick in my heart, but it felt a tight crush to see the upsetting words comin’ from your own Dad. His words weren’t really noxious if other people were to say them…but the fact that it came from my dad…hurts more than anything in my life. For my dad to lose trust on me, is the most awful wound I can ever get.
Imagine me doin’ everything I can to whip up my problem and not be a burden to them…only to swiftly get hindered by those words…and with those, I really felt like he doesn’t ever wanna see me…
I waited for a year…
and then a year plus…
and now…
I have to wait for forever…for that chance…
I used to get p150/day[$5] or sometimes just p500/6days[$16] on which includes my daily fare of p50. But this summer [that started from 12 April 2010] I only get p100/day[$3] with my fare of p60…so my remaining p40[$1.30], I have to save up for my toiletries [shampoo/lotion/etc], school stationery[photocopy notes] and FOOD ALLOWANCE. P40…sigh…
12sachets[10grams/sachet] of shampoo is p48, lotion p70+, photocopy p0.50/sheet, food p20++…how will I be able to save $90/month for december’s and march’s tickets when I can barely survive for my daily needs?
I don’t tell my parents these. I don’t want to. I told myself I can bear this sacrifice. They see my photos on FB and tell me I’m skinny. I know I’m more worthy than other people whose lives are worse than mine. I’m sorry if I’m being and if you think I’m doin’ some stupid self-pity crap here but I’ve been enduring this for months…and my patience has diminished-again. My situation is different from other people so I'd appreciate it if you compare me to someone whose life only resembles mine.
I really don’t know if anyone is aware of my situation. But I feel really alone. EVERYBODY is so caught up with their own future…E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. What do I do now? How can I uphold positivity and focus on my studies when I don’t even get an encouragemet to move forward? Some moral support. Why do I have to always make the freakin’ first move on anybody? a simple sms: ‘hey, how’re ya? You still alive?’ might help a lil if not a lot...
I really don’t look forward to that ‘stupid bullshit’ hometrip anymore. If I’m gonna rot here, so freakin’ be it. I’m just worried that this will affect my relationship[I hope not] with Michael. If my folks and Michael all turn their backs on me…I may as well just be dead. My own Dad doesn’t believe in me anymore because of my past mistakes. I wonder if Mom feels the same way.
It is so hard to put up a face on people that shouldn’t be involved with my own personal issues…tell them you’re fine when you’re really crushing up from deep inside…
