V'DAY '10

Hello guys.
Been awhile…
Hmm, so how’d you guys celebrate your Valentine’s Day?
Any Fun?

I remembered my first real-serious Valentine’s Day…
‘real-serious’ because in the past few years it so happened that I was always single during this period, thus it was all just dates…
So my first and real-serious Valentine’s Day was in 2009 with my current beau.
It was really both a memorable and unforgettable Valentine’s.

I wasn’t quite prepared yet for the day because of work and school hence I had not much time.
I decided to just do some last minute thingies on the day itself.
As we weren’t legal with my parents yet at that time, I had to fib that we had an event at school [yea, like so “yeah-right” I know…]
I was so very late for that group date [3 couples] to the point where we had to freakin’ create a scene at Marina Square and I almost wanted to give up [again as I always do]the relationship because of his niggles.
But I kept my composure so tight; overruling my rage at that time, so as to resolve and just enjoy the day. Otherwise, we both would have walked out on each other on that special day bitterly over something small.

Well, if there’s a lesson to learn from that, it’d be the patience and sense of urgency both on our sides, tranquility to work things out, reflection on the foundation of the relationship you have built [whether or not you just wanna waste your investment], and most importantly putting God in and in between your relationship. Omitting rage and ego as well.

This year, we celebrated Valentine’s Day away from each other aaaand most probably for the next 3 to 4 years...
Not used to it but a phone call’s better than nothing.
And I appreciate it baby ; )


spread the love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

*thinkin of a title*

Heyya.
……
…
..
Sigh.

I haven’t been gettin’ the spur to pen down my thoughts since I got here. Hence the barrenness of this blog :(
The posts I had were mainly superfluously rants and raves.
And how grating it is that I have so much in mind whenever I am planning to post something on a red-letter day.
Then on that occasion itself, I lose the stimulation.
[or maybe I have ne’er really written anything worthwhile?]
:’(

Aaanyw-hatever…what’s a good way to start your morning to do your assignments with the undesirable setting you’re at [shared-room-with-relatives-comin’-in-and-out -from-time-to-time & the earsplitting-noises-of-neighbours’-karaoke-ings] ?

Have your own world!
Requirements:
- “in-ear” earphones [good for blockin’ external noises]
- music/radio

Though… music kinda bores me and doesn’t really help focus.
Radio would be better.
Y’know…how you just need to absorb some infos DJs share on air before reluctantly starting your work? And a good icebreaker in the Mawnin [when you’re all still yawnin’ and stretchin’ not-ready-to-do-your-work]…is hearin’ some out-of-this-world topics.
It’s pretty cool in herre somehow that DJs do talk about sex. Hahaha. Like y’know, how females fa…n-nevermind. We’ll get to talk about this when we meet, definitely! ;P hahahaha!!!

Another topic I just heard this Mawnin’ was about destroying the toilet by your ablutions! And that even DJs[male] do the haphazard: defecate-and-run in the public; be it hotel or malls!
One caller had a 300lb friend ripped the washroom! They were talkin’ about how amazing HEAVY people usually get when they need to excrete. Hahaha.
So this guy and his friends were gonna chill at this BIG guy’s crib when BIG guy felt the urge to expel. They reached his BIG house finally and his friends had to clear the way for BIG guy to enter the house and dash to the lavatory. But before he even got to fully pull down his pants in just a matter of a second, he jetted the THREE WALLS of the toilet with his poop! Wooooh! How Fun! Hehe. And how true it is when our thingies have this 6th sense of opening their doors to flush out our solid/liquid wastes when the washroom’s near. They somehow have this sense that “ouh…I can feel it…the toilet’s near! I’m expelliiing!” hahaha.
Creases me up hearin’ sordid stuff on air. Teehee.



Haaaaaaaah…..and there! With all that, I’ve not finished my work! ;P

Hmmm, ouh great! I’ve posted some crappy shit again! Hahaha! There’s deficiency in my post though…
Okaye!!! I declare!
I’m just not a good writer in the way I wanna be ;’(
But I did get to share my heart and mind out ;) and ‘t matters, ya suckazzz…. ;P [pbbbbbt!!!]

Over ‘n out!


DJs at the Sinulog Festival with full of Korean tourists.
*DJ waves at the Korean* and vice versa.
Female DJ: teach me Korean! teach me Korean!
Male Korean: *excited and smiles*okaye, okaye.
Korean: cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
DJ: cha-gi-yah!....cha-gi-yah! cha-gi-yah!
Korean: cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!
DJ: *nods and beams* cha-gi-yah you! cha-gi-yah me!

Female DJ later finds out cha-gi-yah[idk the correct spelling] means ‘let’s get married’. It’s kinda foolish for her to be nodding at the Korean while repeating his words… ;P

s-tuck-mmer

………………………

…………

……………………………

……………


………………bein’ castigated……?

i came back here knowin’ i had to sacrifice the life i used to live; leave the people i love, grew up with, and growin’ up with……

puttin’ those aside and letting optimism take over…
tellin’ myself that i’ll spend the summer back home every year…

i had so much hope and expectation that there is certainty it’ll happen…

until he had to smash the only fucking thing i have; the elation that i’ve been holding on to…
all was set and has been prepared for…
but he had to cut it off…

the moment i read the very disheartening response from our supposedly happy convo…
my chest tightened and tears didn’t just rolled down…i burst out crying…


do you know the feelin’ of goin’ to school, wonderin’ who really cares for you? who would chat you up, and would wanna go home with you because they wanna be your friend?
the feeling of them not talkin’ to you unless you talk to them?
and how much you would wanna go home just to live through the good times you had just for awhile?

and now that it’s not gonna happen…i don’t fucking see the fucking reason for
staying opti-fucking-mistic!
it’s all just pretense. i never gained anything from being optimistic…

i don’t have anyone here to open up to. everyone needs a friend to open up to and
i just need one…here.
the only people that care about me are not with me. who else can i run to when i need someone to talk to in person?

lonesomeness in this place has gotten me hospitalized and fallen sick many times.
i’m sorry i’m emotionally weak.


i just don’t wanna spend the summer being stuck here.
i’ve waited for a miracle to happen for years…nothin’s happened.

i don’t wanna hope and expect anymore. i’ve had it.



it’s all just crap.






but thank you baby and babe…i’d be thankful if you guys are right…

rant #456234132409654534

doooo!!!-de!!!
how the fuck are you guys?!
i fuckin' missed ya'll!
lol.

hmm, 2nd semester and it's already gettin' tough.
school's gettin' more and more demanding!
sigh.
imagine quizzes after quizzes e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!
sick in the head!
gotta know [but in many cases (especially mine), MEMORIZE] lotssa sheyts for quizzes.
[fyi, quizzes by the way contributes alot to the final gradings]

even if my sched's not so loaded at school [in accordance with my timetable below], i still barely find time for myself cuz i got responsibilities here at home as well!
how sick is that?

if i'm at HOME, mom wouldn't mind the mess she finds when she arrives home from work when she knows how fuckin' engaged i am at school stuff.
*sigh*
sacrifices sacrifices.




iiiiii knoooowwww...
all i ever do is rant whenever i blog! but what to do sia.
when i'm all jolly, i'm either not inspired to write or simply can't squeeze writing in my uneventful hectic life!
that! is! outrageously! ludicrous!




:'(
i just wanna be close to you...*singin'* [more like goin' crazy]




ouh help me Lord Jesus...
strengthen my frail heart...and mind? and definitely body...
that i may overcome these crapness i'm dealin' with...
thank you.
amen.



HOLLA to my chums back 'ome.
i yearn for every single soul and i wish to MEET you guys when i come VISIT.
remember to treasure your nearest and dearest...
make time for meet-ups and don't just meet for occasions like when they're dead and you attend their wake. JEEZ!


and to wrap this up,

i love you.

PS. new layout soon when i find time ;)

carry on

boo!!!
i miss bloggggy.
heehee.
end of semestral break.
beginnin' of 2nd semster....
3.5 years to go or 7 semesters to go!
*phew*...
long way to go? this is the time i want time to fly faster...

pictures pictures are posted on facebook...
ejoy your life guys! take care.

never been this sick.

hello guys!
heehee.
i miss u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u! and u!
lol.

hmm...by the way, it's been a month or so that i found out about my sickness...
it's...hyperthyroidism.

i just pray i will get well. along with the others who are sick.
just have FAITH in God...He will take care of us. Things don't just happen for no reason ;)
pray not only for youselves. but LET US PRAY for all of us.
trust.believe.
have faith.

AMEN.



~~~
sem break's ending :(
mon and tue enrollment
wed onwards...fucked up school...SHEEESH!
i want longer break!!!
teehee.

jahkidden'

okaye...'yam OUT.

quick updates!

boo!
i miss you blog!
been motherfuckin' busy like fuck.
loadssa things've happened.

school has been fuckingly traumatic.
hmm, im still determined to get this fuck shit over with and go back home.
i wanna see you guys badly.
i hope my schedule will allow me to meet those who 'craves' for me.

so what's been up with me since my last post?
hmm, michael and i are finally legal through my folks and my relatives!
how fun izzat?
they say he's cute and handsome and all.
hah.
ouhwell.
of course i feel lighter and ecstatic to hear they support me and all.
i mean...
more freedom...unlike befo' when i had to fucking hide things from 'em...it's fucking tough.
but now i can move about freely...

mom visited bro and i from 22 oct to 3 nov. i had fun. i miss mom. her tender lovin' care. i miss them badly... :(
treasure your loved ones guys...it's hard to be away from em.

ouhwell.
friends...
i've made amigos and amigas here.
but...
sometimes it's tough to understand em cuzza the language barrier? my being an amateur in Filipino language?
ouhwell.

here's an example:
we were at some place in school just beside the Dean's office. we com sci students were chillin' with the EEd students when adet whispered somethin' to me...

adet: joanne, do you know anyone with the surname of "hindutan"?
me: ???
it sounded like a malay word and i was curious...so being the normal joanne...i asked loudly.
me: HEY! WHAT DOES HINDUTAN MEAN?!...
everyone laughed and adet stroked me! and i was like what the ffff...why were they laughin at me?! i asked them one by one but they just kept laughin' at me. so i asked again and again until i got the answer...only to find out it meant "sexual intercourse"...lol.
i thought it was just a normal wholesome word. there they made fun of me. lol. luckily the dean wasn't there.

rapper...

Hello guys…how’s everyone? Hehe… I hope you guys are okaye…
Well as I write this out from a piecca paper, I’m here alone in the kitchen since 7...it’s already 8 and everyone’s been in the livin’ room right after dinner watchin’ TV.

Hmmm, I don’t know how you’d feel...being in a place you thought you’d feel welcome…
I remember when I was still in SG…& every time mom would call here, my cousins here were always eager to talk to me & would always say,

“Hey, when are you comin’ back here?”
“Why don’t you just study here?”
“Come back here already! You study here and we’ll take care of you…”

& now that I’m here… I hear bangin’ of things, complaints of…
I guess me bein’ an…extra…burden?
& most of all, bein’ used as a comparison…&regarding me as an “ibang tao” (OTHER people)…
Here’s one:

“Gramms, why is it that I’ve never heard you stop me from doin’ things or chores? I’ve been washing and doin’ chores the whole day & now I’m still washin’ the dishes…yet you don’t even stop me…,unlike OTHER people there, always so concerned with...always askin' me to help out whenever she does things.”

Cuz here’s the thing, whenever Gramms sees me, she’d always get concerned & would say,

“have you eaten? Go & eat...”
“rest your eyes”
“Hoi, help out here, Joanne’s alone washin’ the dishes…”

& she would always offer me food…if I say “I don’t want”, she’d still put the food beside me…

My cousins get jealous…I dig that…even my aunt...she regards me as “favourite grandchild from the favourite child (MOM)” (she's jealous with mom)
On the whole, we’re Gramms favourite…she adores my DAD, MOM, bro and I.
I feel flattered…but I guess in their freakin corrupted minds, it’s hard to accept & it hurts them cuz they’ve been livin’ with Gramms ever since…took care of her & stuff yet she favours us more…
& with that, I’m adjudged “OTHER people” by the cousin who was the one who kept wanting me to come back here…SIGH…

It’s no wonder why DAD decided to settle down somewhere FAR from family to avert disputes…

I had a recent (last thursday or friday) serious squabble with a cousin who once went to SG on 2007…I NEVER expected to ruin a relationship with anyone here…but ouh well…
I will never let my guard down & give in to anyone whom I think abuses their authority…this elder cousin thinks she’s older than me therefore I won’t fight back..but too bad…I’m not stupid to just keep quiet…I fought back for my rights.
My aunt, unc, cousins, Gramms witnessed the “RAP BATTLE” with the tone & rhythm gone?, even the elders couldn’t stop us…
& there...all-is-ruined…so yeah…
frankly, they already ruined my trust when they told my secrets to MOM when i went back here for vacation...i gave them a chance and treated them like nothin' happened until this...

Ergo, that’s my current life…
FUN ey???
I know my limits…I STILL respect…unlike such people who only depended on aunt & mom to finish education…yet developed such a fucking high-handed attitude, it’s really fucked up.

imprisoned in dungeon....

Hey Blo!

How’ve you been?!
it’s been like…FOREVER!
I missed writing…
with truckloadssa experiences or stories to share…iunno where to start…

Well, first and foremost…
I MISS my LIFE in SINGAPORE…
“One’ll never really appreciate or see the importance of the life he’s living until he loses it”
it’s so hard to let go…so tough to move on…
iunno…I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded with my own relatives. It’s just so different..well here I go again ranting…but where else can I emancipate the heavy emotions I’m carryin? Sometimes I just cry it out but I don’t find it enough. I thought I’d find someone whom I can release it to…
but…
lately I realized that it doesn’t all the time work? That people also have a capacity of enduring your rants? That they don’t always listen anymore?

Eventually, we are on our own…you know that I’ve felt this way before…
[when someone finds a confidant who will not only be there for you but also listen to you and suddenly loses interest…leaving you alone…then you find someone new and you thought they’re the one you’re lookin for?]
I didn’t realize that there really is a LIMIT to everything…people get tired of things; we get tired of people as well…

What about you computer? Do you also have a limitation on ‘listening’ to people’s rant? Do you just shut down on them when you ‘feel’ or ‘think’ it’s just another outburst…or prevent them from typing their kvetches? I suppose not cuz you have no feelings nor IQ…you’re simply an Artificial Intelligence where we users output certain things; even our deluges to you…

I force myself to be happy just to survive my 24hours and I do it 24/7…
I’m fucked up because everything that I do here has a limit. I don’t have time for myself anymore. I try to find peace but there’s always ‘war’…it’s just freakin inevitable ..i don’t connect with the people I live stay with. SICK. I hope tomorrow’s 2014…so I could depart the place I’m at. I thought I’ve escaped the prison…but THIS is THE prison…not the one I thought I was in…

I kept laughing it out, tellin myself it’ll be okaye…that I’ll be fine…
but there I go…foolin’ myself over and over…

All the best, Joanne. May you survive the obstacles and make it out of prison 5years later in ‘one piece’. God Bless and may your mind be in peace…YEAH YEAH…*rolls eyes*

pandemic

Hey guys!!!
How’re things goin’?
So many things’ve happened…

~~~~~~~~~
on Monday, I was on the way to school…and I was smsing…
suddenly my friend smsed…[convo translated to singlish]

Cez: “hey kak, if got no school, we go out kaye?”
Me: “yea, sure sure…but when the next holiday come sia…school just start and the next holiday is on October…”
Cez: “yea…but today can go what…today no school…”

And I was 0,0???…
well at first I kept wishin’ that classes will be cancelled or there’ll be no classes the next day but duhhh… impossible…
when I received the message I wanted to turn back and go home but since I was skeptical, I wanted to find out for myself.
outside the school I saw my batchmates chillin’ at the ‘karendirya’? talkin’ about the rumored rumor…
the guard confirmed that there’s still classes for College students…GEEZ.
so went for first and second class then a general assembly…
Supposedly school will resume this coming Monday but the next day, I received a message from a batchmate that read:

“FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ALL CANOSSIANS: DOH is not alowing us to suspend clases 4 only 5 days so college will resume classes on july 16 pls pass ths mssg…”

The message is also incredulous…and until now, I don’t have affirmation whether or not it’s true. But ouh well!!! guess there really ain’t any…heehee.
by the way, the reason's there's 2 cases of H1N1 in Canossa High School

~~~~~~~~~
I’ve applied for my own internet on Wednesday by the way…
just waiting for them to call back for us to pick up the modem, etc.

~~~~~~~~~
Hmmm, on the HEAVIER side, my gramms haven’t been recovering from the sickness she got from Couz Rich who went to Manila weeks ago…her fever’s been on and off and on again until last night, we really had to send her to the hospital.
We’ve been wanting to send her but aunt have no money already…
uncle Boy worked in Singapore before then to other countries and lately in Brunei…his family resides in the US and they’ve really a stable life until both his folks passed away few years ago then followed by this year, unc was stroked at work in Brunei on March…and had to come back here
so imagine, until now, they’ve no income. their kids are currently depending on our parents and unc’s siblings for our living :(
and gramms NEVER usually complain any pain she feels even if she looked ever so sick already until last few days ago…
And since I got here, we’ve been ‘visiting’ the hospital often.
MAY= jean and I
JUNE= unc Boy
JULY= gramms
SIGH.
I just PRAY she gets well very soon. It’s really not the time because He knows I still have that dream for our family with gramms…

~~~~~~~~~
LASTLY, do you believe people change? People forgive? I may not forget the past. The pain I went through.
And it took me more than a year to get over…and when you’re in the healing process you can’t control havin’ anger or hold grudges over someone who wronged you…
But because I’m PURELY healed, I now do not hold any grudges on the past, and that means all the things I execrate is all GONE and dispose of.
It was just a small gesture of forgiveness and that’s through accepting the friend request. It doesn’t mean anything else. YES, I’ve said and done things BEFORE but I was in rage…
now that I’m in peace with you[Kelo] I don’t see how accepting a request can make me dubious.
If you’re really a good person, you will forgive people who wronged you or your loved one but that doesn’t mean you can be fooled by them again.
RUMINATE on your own attitude and personality.
If you wanna doubt on me, go ‘head. I won’t say anymore. I won’t defend myself. But do know that GOD knows the truth and I shouldn’t worry on what you will say ABOUT me.
May takot ako sa Diyos and because I’ve changed for the better, I sure do know how it feels like to be bad and the karma it repays. Kaya reflect on what you’re thinkin’ about me.

look-alikes.

Gu’afnoon peeps!
How’s life been?
School’s been a…mediocre…
That’s my latest timetable.
It may seem a cool timing but it’s really strenuous.
I MUST wake up at 8 for breakfast and you can sleep again if you want but it’s so hard to sleep already cuz of the noise…sheesh.
I can barely sleep at gramm’s cuz there are only two rooms, and there are 8 of us staying there. Gramm-gramm and couz Rich sleep at one room while aunt, uncle and couz jake sleep at the other, couz JB, Jean and I sleep in the living room. They wake up at 5 so you can imagine how hard it is to sleep. Sigh. so this week, I slept here at the other house, where I can sleep in the Master’s bedroom and no one bugs me.

It’s so wearing when you go home at 7, [I walk from school to jeep terminal of Sta Cruz; equivalent to walking from home to maybe BPP? Or BP LRT] and having to wake up a lil earlier the next day to study for quizzes; which we have every after lesson. On our vacant times, we stay at school and laze around… [I miss lazing around with ITE peeps sleeping at the foyer/café/canteen/Vivo] I guess every move I make here makes me compare with what I used to do in SG…can’t be helped.
And people-watch!!!
Something I love doin’…which by the way leads me to identifying certain classmates/schoolmates havin’ look-alikes of someone I know in SG!

Mark A. [Izzdin]
Lou [Perdana although Lou’s an exact opposite of Perd]
Vice [Shahir]
Raymond [Kiki]
Angelika [Ciej]
Eleine [Sabby+Yunis]
Shayne [Sanny]
Nycka[Aada]

I think got a few more I just can’t recall. Hehe. Kinda weird but funny. Ouh well.

So can I cope with studies? I don’t know.
You go home at 7, reach home at 8…
dinner, read/watch tv while resting my body before showering,
sleep at 11 then wake up at 7 or 8 for breakfast, bath, study before going school…quiz…zzz…hai….

I joined Dance Club by the way… hahaha. Wanted to switch to Band Club but…lazy sia. Ouh! I didn’t go for practice on Friday sia. The thing is…on Thursday during our meeting, she specifically categorized us [new members] as Dance Club and the old ‘uns as Dance Company. SHEESH! The teacher so strict summor about attendance. Like *toot*. But ouh well, who the fuck cares.

I already have a BFF teacher…hahaha. Diaz. She’s my Management and Math teacher. She’s a dumb dumb. She talks so much but she’s got no brains. There’s so many incidents that’s happened. Thing’s she’s in the wrong, a student/the students correct her, she gets embarrasses, scolds us ~;~…how unreasonable can she get?! Geez. IDIOT.

Anyway, I miss you guys. ;-) muah!

*Tag me guys…at least just tell me what you guys are doin’…study/work/NS/etc k?! muah! Love you!*

first day at college

Blog!!! I’ve missed you! How’s everyone been?
Today’s my FIRST day at school! LOL!
Lots to say.
Lots.
Hmmm, my cousins were all teasing me about commuting and makin’ friends…

Aunt was supposed to send me to school but her migraine shot her so she told my cousin to send me instead.
They’re only gonna send me this once :(
‘s so hard cuz I look left and right and they all seem same to me…so I dunno where to go down :( Ouh well. i gotta learn…
I made a few friends; Hannah, Bernadette, Elaine and there’re only 10 of us in our course but we mix with other courses depending on our subs.

The school and classrooms are like the old DLSS or old CDSS but with doors…lol.
And the teachers were kinda flaunting the newly built-in aircons and projectors. Teehee.
Ouh well. first day…introduction.
Homework for Principles Of Management: ten definitions of Management.

Geez. Then another couz[who schooled and is now a grade school teacher there] was supposed to bring me to where I’m supposed to board the jeep on the way home but ‘twas hard to contact her so her sis who sent me to school was effed up and kept contacting her. Sigh. I felt like I’m such a burden to people and cousins :( always have to run for help goin' here or there.
ouh well.
so much for sayin' "lots to say. lots"
wateder!





mainly, i wanna shoutscream-out

HELLO SINGAPORE!!!!!!!
i terribadesperately MISS YOU and every single soul i know in you[sg] ;)
now i finally know the feeling of being away from HOME.
ouh well, i gotta make something out of where i'm at...so when i go back home, i'll have some worth in me.

tata guys!

grad!

*ENROLLED*
I’ve gotten my schedule! It's messy so I had to do my own! Heehee!
Imma be schoolin’ at Canossa College, takin’ up Computer Science.
JUNE 8!

Hello guys.
How’re things goin’?
Here I am…driven to pen down my thoughts…[well, not literally pen down] at this time while everyone’s asleep. [they sleep early here by the way]

Anyway…I just read Sabby’s blog…along with ‘Breakeven’ song…[the rhythm’s somewhat inspiring]
And I came across the phrase ‘Graduation ceremony’ and….
WOW
Really. It just brought me back to the good ol’ days.

Well, just years ago, we were caught up thinkin’ about what to wear for our Secondary School’s Grad Night around this month or earlier? that we even lost focus for our Mid Year Exam and Prelims and even O’s…
Secondary School days really are just too memorable for me to forget…those were just the happiest, wackiest, craziest, most emotional days I had…I just miss every single person I knew [even those I wasn’t close at all with or hated to the max]…
Juniors, wannabes, geeks, fights, every corner of the school, strolling out of school to the bus stop under the hot bloody sun along the church and private houses.
Our table at the canteen…and around the school where we hang…
Lovely days.
We’ve grown so much…

And two years later, we’re done again from ITE…
Today’s the ITE Graduation that I unfortunately cannot be present for.
I will miss the little reunion with my classmates and schoolmates…
But I’m very happy we’ve all graduated…
Now we’re all busy with our own stuffs again. We will forever be busy. =.=
I still wonder how is everybody doin’…
Shoutout to all of yall. I miss you guys…terribly.

I miss the simple hangouts we had…I miss every hangouts we had.
I miss Esplanade, Vivo City, Long John Silver’s, TCC, the bus, everything uh…walao...even the Garbage truck to be honest…OMG. Yes. Even the Garbage truck…*shrugs* ouh well.

Anyway...yeah…we are all growing up more maturedly, laying out all of our goals and dreams and thoughts in life etc…
I wouldn’t be surprise what kinda topics we’d be havin’ for our 2016 Reunion…

We’re just so grown that sometimes it saddens me more than it pleases me.
You know the thought of working hard for your folks and make ‘em proud and at the same time fulfill your dreams of havin’ your own things…?
But pensively, as we reach for our goals and dreams, the pain that my parents’ feel physically brings me down. I just cannot bear the sight of my parents growing old and moving defenselessly…
Sigh.

Back to the Graduation Ceremony topic…
I’m happy for us all.
Guys!!! Share PHOTOS okaye?! I want PHOTOS of you guys!!!
:D

Why to My decision.

Yeah. Many people had been askin’ about…why PHILIPPINES?
- Want to study overseas can uh…but why PHILS…?
- The opportunity at SG is better than in the Phils…why go back?
- Of all countries, why Phils?

And somehow it pissed me off…it can be insulting, y’know.
But if you were in my situation…you’d have no other choices either.

Plan A: Poly
Plan B: Private Diploma
Plan C: Phils
Plan Z: Overseas

First of all, with my parents uber so strict, could you ever imagine them allowing us to study some place else without a relative to look after us?
So Plan Z is definitely out. =_=”
Secondly, my decision to go back; whether or not I progress to Poly, was already certain because completing my studies in SG [Diploma AND THEN Degree =,=] is just too long for me personally… and yes I admit, it’s my fault I’ve wasted too much of my precious time back in Sec school…so Plan A’s gone.
Plan B’s also unacceptable because the chances of getting a job with a Private Dip is low…and since my bro’s gone through it [taken Private Dip but didn’t finish], what makes you think my folks would let me take Private Dip?
So I’m left with Plan C.

But if I were to choose for myself; without my folks’ impediment…my plan would be to study somewhere else alone - without any relative watching over me…kinda like sovereignty…but that would be a cul-de-sac situation…perhaps only for now. And I think as a parent, I wouldn’t really allow my child to study somewhere without the supervision of someone I know or is close to the family…with freedom encompassing my child, I doubt he’ll finish his education…but I know that when I’ve graduated and have my own Degree, my folks would let me off…like y’know, work or study somewhere.

I have somewhat understood their plan for us. They won’t let us off until we’ve finish our education…like with at least a Degree-kinda-education.

Y’know I had to consider so many things while planning and making a decision…and besides family…in comes BF, friends and things and places you love that you’ll havta leave temporarily
But since this is for my future and my family, I had to strike the rest out…family always comes in 2nd to God…and so I had to consider…that if I wanna finish this sheyt fast, I gotta go to a place my parents wouldn’t say no to; the Phils.
But frankly, even they, were against my suggestion of finishing my studies here in the Phils initially. but after a deep reflection of all the ‘foolishness’ we had done there [time wastage]…Dad had to finally coincide.

Yea, I know…everybody else even my relatives here were stupefied when silence were broken unto them. But hey…like I said, I’ve taken things into an uber deep consideration and the only possible thing that can happen is be here.

Regret? I wouldn’t really say that. More of despondency because I have to sacrifice so many people, so many things; basically my life in SG just to pick my ass up and go to the right direction without anymore distractions.

Honestly, I still don’t know how everything will be like cuz school hasn’t started. But the month-plus that I’ve been here has served and still is serving as the icebreaker to me of people’s lifestyle here. I don’t know what lies ahead [school-wise]…will I have friends? Will they help me? Will I do well this time? Will I go crazy with the kinda study here…yea. Those kinda things.
Hmmm…gimmick-wise, shouldn’t be a problem because:
1] I only want to have a home-school-home life here during school periods and only go out with relatives when there’s no school.
2] I’m planning to save my allowance for my parents’ gift next year! Meaning: instead of eating out during breaks, I’ll have food from home ‘da bao?’
3] This is a province, so I don’t really have any places to go and commuting here freaks me out.
4] I’m thrifty! I’d always think twice about spending even a cent on something; especially now that I’m saving up for my folks’ gift.


Lastly, “why didn’t tell me earlier?”
I only made the decision 3weeks before I left…why didn’t I say it earlier? Cuz I wanted to have a meet-up not for my sake of me leaving but for the sake of everyone missing one another. We have been planning for ouh-so-long about a gathering…everyone would agree at first and then kept saying ‘NO TIME’ in the end…
I remember a friend told me off...cuz I was known for being a ditch-queen and saying ‘no time’ all the time…to ‘MAKE TIME’…that really woke me up and since then I have been making time for people who wants to meet me because I didn’t wanna have regrets of losing them without giving them the time they asked for.
And I grew tired of ‘planning’ for gatherings that people would confirm and eventually only ditch that I decided…I’ll just invite everyone…and whoever can or wants to come come…if not, I don’t give no sheyt. ;-)



Ergo…tadda! I’ve straightened things out…I’ve laid everything out…
I’ve made mistakes and learned so many lessons I don’t wanna repeat…reason for my self-decree…





And with another long post…it’s time for my COFFEE ;-)
Cya!!! And HI TO SINGAPORE. I miss you and everyone I know in you. Teehee.

here i am

Joanne
139 Brgy Purok 1
Lamot 2 Subd. Calauan, Laguna
Philippines 4012

Hey guys.
I miss Singapore
I really miss HOME.
Dammit!!! I just wanna go home!!!
It’s so fucking hard to communicate with my loved ones there…

As I was telling whoevers...
Ever since I made a decision, I didn’t feel the sadness and the thought of me leavin’…
Until Sunday night; when I was packin’ my stuff…
It got worse when I was makin’ sulat para sa baby koh.
It was so bad that I wanted to back out that night…
And I HONESTLY still do! I wanna back out of my own plan/decision and go home…
I was gonna cry in the cab but I couldn’t…
I was quiet all the way…
all the way… 

AT THE AIRPORT…
I saw you both and I really couldn’t look long at yall…
I wanted to see you agad so bad, baboy.
If only I had an open relationship…d q na kelangan ipigil mahawakan kamay mo baby.
I wouldn’t have to look here and there all the time as if someone is spyin’ on me…
I couldn’t say much to any of yall because I didn’t wanna cry…but the tears just rolled down my cheeks…
And the tears that I saw in you…na imagine ko na asa kwarto tayo at nag uusap lan ng walang ibang tao and just comforting you…
Kiki, I really thank you so much for everything. For even taking the effort to come down to see me off.
Sabby and Deedee, thank you so much for the BIG gift!!! I came earlier than you guys man!!! Latecomers!!! ;P
I just wanted to lay everything out…from the very beginning I met ALL of you guys; but the time just wouldn’t allow and the tears...
You guys may be thinkin’ I shouldn’t be saying that cuz it’s not as if I’m gonna leave for good.
But I guess the long time that I’ll be gone…so many things can happen and I just wanted to say things before it’s too late.
Ouh well…

Aaanyway, when I went inside, there was this guy who was carrying a ‘hotdog-stufftoy’ behind me made friends with me…then all along I thought he was just a stranger…
Until he was making kwento and mentioned that his tita’s hubby was a Nigerian who just passed away…
I made guesses that could match the person he was talkin’ about…and yeah! Turned out to be my ninang’s neighbor pala. Heehee. Really small world.
Then inside the plane, there was this lady who sat on my supposedly-seat; window seat and I was like,
‘hey ;)… you’re emm…sitting there’ and she looked kinda blur? Then I said ‘ouh nevermind…’
Then she saw my ticket seat number and she went ‘ouh you’re supposed to sit here?…’ and I said ‘nah, it’s okaye.’ Then she thanked me.
We took off around 1105h… and the moment the plane sped off for about 3seconds as I was lookin’ outta the window as it lifted off, i found myself suddenly in tears. For five minutes, I wept like a baby who just wanted to stop the bloody plane which I felt I’m being forced to take.
And how dreadful the feeling was…upon realizing that I MADE THE DUMBEST MISTAKE of leavin’ so many people I love and things and…basically life behind! Most especially, the person that I’ve known for 9months and I grew up with, loving for six months plus now ;[

I felt like I wanted to jump down the plane or do something to the plane to make it stop and run back to you. ;(
I just calmed myself down and I tried not to think too much about leavin’ you guys…
That it’s only four ‘short’ years…
I cried on my first night especially when mom and dad called…
Dad and I talked and we’re finally okaye…dad didn’t send me to the airport because we had a rift…I whimpered because I miss dad so much…I saw my cousins playing with their mom and dad and it cheesed me off…
I was so fucked up I just wanted to run away…wouldn’t make any difference cuz the environment’s still here.

You know the feeling of being in a different place faraway from yours and somehow you’re lookin’ for someone who is familiar to you; language…SIGH.

I sincerely wish I get a school and finish earlier than 4 years…please pray for me.

By the way, the above address I’m stayin’ at now…my gramm’s place.
Internet here isn’t like internet back home where you can use it for as much as you like…
This is the first time I’m using internet since I left…
And I cannot chat much because I’m using my cousin’s internet = electricity = money = I don’t have!
I only brought home $83 = P2500 so I cannot SPEND at all cuz I must only spend it for my entrance exams [inclusive of travel fare with whomever is with me…means I’m paying for my cousin’s fare who accompanies me to go around lookin’ for schools…]

Sigh-ers. ;[
Anyways, hi to all my beloved friends and familias there. Miss me because you should! ;]
Take good care of yourselves. And do visit me. Or hopefully I can visit home.
Hi to Michael and take care of him. Ghen babe, make sure ha, d mag lasing yan na may kasamang mga babae. Miske ikaw…hahahahaha!!! Basta. Take care of my baby. Take care of yourselves...I'll see you guys soon.

mga...

New York New York
Fish n Co. @ Glass House
ice skating
G-MAX
buffet
European resto-hop
Marina Barrage
Marina @ Keppel Bay

...

absurdiot

i find it abso-freakin-lutely absurd to have a meet-up just because people found out you're leavin' soon...be it leavin' the world or leavin' the place to live in another.

if people wanted to meet up because they miss one another, they would, somehow or other, MAKE TIME for the people who's been part of their lives...but i guess they have more important things to do than give that approximately 3hours to the people of their past or recent past. and then when someone perishes, will they feel remorse...

ouh well.

i wish to feel sweetness just for a few more days.

another shifting

everything's gon' change within a week...

savoring...

this ain't all hatred

Hello.
Been awhile.
Yep.
Loadssa shit has happened.
Both uber jovial stints and fucked up moments.

‘troubled person’…
I don’t mind the opinion…
Well, maybe because I do not write blissful events anymore? That’s why when readers read, that’s what they infer.
Nor do I talk [at certain places] as much as I talk happy-crazy with certain people?
Lol.
We are still humans after all.
We abruptly judge things by what we see/hear/read.
But it’s never enough to know that person that way.

I just choose to segregate…
Not because I’m a recluse…
But because of my surroundings, I just need to keep my guard up…
Past mistakes are lessons taught to avert future recrudescence.

And as the day draws closer, I prepare for yet another environment-acclimatization…
I can somehow foresee some unsolicited mania.
I’m drained…with elucidations…
But with the snoopy behavior of human beings, they will – with perseverance – try to get you to say your bloody piece.
Well maybe this time, they can bend over backwards and break their ribs and backbones and burst their asses just to get me to speak up…and all I will ever do is give them an ever cu-eet mordant smirk that will drive them insane. ;)

Reason for me choosing not to respond is because I’ve been denunciated or when I reason out my rights, I will be criticized as an uncouth despite HOW politely I’ve responded.

I have been at my very best behavior; not replying anybody with impudence…
And I’m impressed at how I’ve managed my anger throughout these years – lessening the rage display…
But suppressing the pain and anger is more of a torture internally.
I guess I’m not surprised at how I look…

Almost every day; in and out of home, my ears and mind gets flooded by mockery that just makes me wanna flee just to spend time with myself.
But I care so much that my escape always gets trashed.
So when I decide to just coop up in my room, and emit the emotions I have, false allegations will be forced on.

As much as possible, I will swallow the pain inflicted on me.
I haven’t given up.
Can’t you see?
I haven’t quit.
Can’t you see?! The improvement throughout these fucking years?!
But…
It don’t matter anyway. It won’t ever matter until I meet people’s expectations.
Because you are all better than me.

I wonder if He [the only one who knows and sees it all] recognizes the progress?

pass it to me.

things were still pretty fine.
until about two days ago...
i guess i could still handle it if the problem involves just...ME alone.
but involving my LOVED ones?
that's way too much.

i know everyone goes from head-to-toe weak when affected by loved ones.
and we all try to hide whatever we're feeling inside.

i would always ask Him to pass it to me rather than give it to them.
He knows that.
and i pray He listens.
i know He does.

my bro wrote a touching note...and no doubt, i teared.
and now...as i type this...
i'm shedding tears.

i'm sure the last thing she wants from me is failure.
that would just worsen everything that's happenin' now.
i just wanna pick myself up again.
this is not how i foresaw things to be a decade ago.

poof.

i don't know my brother anymore...again.
we've lost touch with him...
i've personally lost touch with him...maybe since the last time we went to church together...
when he said he'll be a 'changed' person this year...
and like the usual, it's only said and done in the beginning...
and eventually, will fall out of it.
sigh.
now i don't know if he's gonna 'change' again since they're gone.
and what kinda 'change'?
double sigh.

at work...been hectic for me since i started learnin' bar.
breakin' glasses, spillin' drinks, mixed up with what to put on what drinks, etc.
sigh.
no doubt, God knows how much i wanted this.
and now that i got it...i just hope they'll have patience with me.
i know i'm gonna get there soon.
i duwanna be a pessimist and say i am a slow-learner but can't help it... ;(
this is probably my third week? as a bariste but i'm still havin' difficulty gettin' the SOP ;(
nevertheless, imma get it...
really be patient with me guys...i beg ya... ;(

disappointment aside...
today was pretty fun.
considering i didn't do too much bar and there were only 2 people workin'!
'twas almost 12...and the guests seemed to be enjoying their stay when i reached.
then as i was goin' in to time in, i looked at the bar side...and...
*bam* the glasses and cups and saucers were like overcrowding the bar side.
michelle had to stay a lil longer just to finish up the drinks...while i took the orders of the new customers [that just kept comin' while the others go] and bust tables and send food/drinks and wash the glasses etc.
wooh!
we managed well, really. despite the non-stop 'crowd' and the coming of stocks. ;)
no blunders...abang aziz siooooo! i guess the music helped ;)
i guess it's pretty harder now that we got no washer. but still managable...
if only in few more weeks, i can perfect my SOP, it'd be a lil easier, and lesser challenge.
since now that i'm really jugglin' alotta things.
what fucks me up is that, some colleagues who're pretty pro at what they do gets annoyed easily when i make mistakes just because they're used to what they're doin' already.
sigh. i haven't been workin' as frequent as y'all man! and and and you may be faster at rememberin' stuff and i don't!
if only you knew me long enough would you understand my situation memory-wise.

i feel alotta things i duwanna feel but i duwanna let it conquer my body and i'm doin' my best to fight it off...toilet breaks help cuz it's when i can at least release some stress and bloody aches and just recharge and focus on work so that when i get out of that cubicle...i can stomach in and endure what i feel. but even that is taken away from me ;( sucks, really.

shah's a good manager and friend to be honest. i don't wanna fail him. i know i already have, with my mistakes and late-comings ;(
shah's like an elder brother who takes good care of his bros and siss...
i just hope that i'll get better everyday. ;)

pedicab

last night, i got to watch this wonderful story entitled 'pedicab'...

it was about this girl, Nellie who went home with a baby and you probably already know what happened next...
until after the mother's yacking, she held the baby in her arms...and...[i guess that's what most parents would feel...once they hold that small innocent living being, it just softens their hearts...and takes away their anger] so Nellie lived with her mom and siblings again...

her elder bro's neighbour-friend, Tobias [who was a farmer] was introduced to her and became friends.
the mom was pretty disturbed when she found out how close they were getting and told her he's probably going after her because he knows she's easy to get...especially now that she has a child [some kind of a proof]...

Tobias knew how the mom felt about him and nevertheless, he proved to Nellie his real love despite her having a child...
He loved Khaycee[Nel's daughter] like his own and soon they got married.
all he wanted from Nellie was to stay home and look after their 'clan'...
They had 5 children altogether...he did farming in the day, pedicab/rickshaw in the evening.
beautiful husband...so hardworking until he met an accident with the pedicab. the day he was sent to the hospital was the day Nellie had to give birth to their 6th upon seeing her hubby's condition...
she was then forced to give away the baby just so she could pay for Tob's therapy and meds.

she had to find a job to replace Tob. so she decided to do be a pedicab driver...[i never could imagine how tough it actually is until i watched her force her petite body pedal that thing with at least 2 people on...] she couldn't get any customers/passengers cuz of her physique...even kids didn't want her.

until she decided to go to KC's school and asked a random teacher if she could work there with any kind of job...Ms Sheryl kindly refused until Nel begged. She felt Nel and was uber kind to her and one time told her co-teachers to take a ride at Nel's pedicab. unexpectedly, they were heading off to where Tobias met with an accident...

when Nel reached that point, she stopped - she stopped and thought about how freaky the down-slope was that almost killed her husband. Ms Sheryl then saw her reaction and pretended to have muscle cramp from sitting too long and suggested to walk...

throughout the period he had to stop work, Tobias could NEVER accept the fact that Nellie is the one working for the family.
Since the day they got married, he treated Nellie like his princess, getting up early everyday and cooking breakfast for her, never wanting her to get too tired...and just wanted her to have a refreshing, awesome morning to start the day off with nice food done with love by her love...

he had this pride.
this principle in life.
he accepted her first kid and loved her unconditionally.
the fact that he could not stomach the sight of ready-to-drop-Nellie [coming home every night] working for them, encouraged him to recover fast enough to learn to walk and move his hands again.
she went through tough shit - entered a man's world where she was disparaged and scoffed at. she nonetheless strived to make her 'new life' thrive and for her family to remain rigid.
while he, felt useless at home, paralysed yet had the eager to just get up and switch places back with his wife.

i think that's pretty much a very heartfelt true story [by the way] that rarely happens in this 'modern' world. but i'd have to say that i do actually know a FEW men and male friends who has such dignity and principle in life despite having different financial statuses...
i am very honored and i salute these guys with utter respect and can only be happy for the women in their lives.

what really moved me is that this couple is from a poor family yet the 'pillar of the home' still treated his 'light of the home' as a princess... :) this just proves that it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor to be able to carry out the dream you have for your family. it just takes a matter of dignity and principle and hard-work...

Women's Month is ending soon. Shoutout to the Great Moms and Dads out there...keep the love alive y'all!

you go to work...tired and hungry
you get home...get nagged at...blamed...
do my work...i can't.
ask for favor...could've said no if couldn't be done.
i give time...also get fucked up.

fuck man.
i'm wrong at work, at home, to Him, to him...
woohoo...
how worse can it get?
O-U-H W-E-L-L.
who else? who fucking else?!

i'm managing my time...but it's never appreciated...have to have squabbles.
who's more tired?
i suck at work...i suck at home...where else can i expect a suck-free place? whom with?!
no matter how tired i am...i still MAKE A FUCK SHIT EFFORT to make things absolutely perfect for occasions...the only fucking problem is when things go wrong...the planned plan fails eventually. :(
i'm so tired.
no matter how fucked-up-busy i am with other things...i make time for other things. but...whatever man...useless fuck.

be nice.

yet another sigh.
i know i wanted this.
and i'm not giving up.

i have been feeling something before.
i'm just shutting my mouth up.
i'm not gonna say no shit...

really fucked up.
you go to work...
you make a 'whole load' of mistakes you don't mean to make...[i'm sure we all don't MEAN to make mistakes...duh...otherwise it won't be called a 'mistake']
you hear things that you don't wanna get involve in...
they make mistakes and asks for favors to keep quiet and you don't complain...
but YOU make mistakes and you hear so much from them...=.="
[so much for saying 'dunno, ask me...', 'anything, ask me...']
i certainly do not think it's THE 'positions' that juniors do not complain...and that seniors do...
i think it's the personalities of the people themselves...
i don't know, really.
correct me if i'm wrong, please.

i hate to talk about people...those i've worked with knows that.
they don't hear no shit from me. i don't do 'politics' [if that's the right word]
i do my work...i hear a lotta things...but that's it.
but there's a limit to my patience...
the bottle's overflowing and i gotta let some out.
i do observe...i know those who doesn't like working with me...just because i'm a bloody 'sotong' and that i forget things...that i eventually make mistakes and shit.

and HELL NO...i'm not making these as excuses cuz i HAVE BEEN battling with this shit since young...
that's probably what i lack...but nevertheless at the end of the day, i ALWAYS MAKE DAMN BLOODY SURE i get the job done.
those who have worked with me...knows that i'm slow but i make sure the job's perfectly done.

dammit.
make yourself look like you're so fucking pro...
talks behind their back...
sees them...and suddenly...
soooo friendly.
sheesh. bloody hell.
i loathe plastiks.
if you hate that person, say it straight lah...
if you got problem with that person tell it to their face!
ouh man...c'mon.

stop bitchin' cuz you ain't bitch enough to say it to people's face...
SIGH.
you yourself are impatient...and only likes to work with people who's familiar with things so you don't have to TEACH those who don't know much...zzz.

my friends all know i'm a cracked.
but they also know i do keep my guard up.
we're all nice and friendly...but when we get fucked up...we fuck them up right? well most of us do.
i'm not gonna let anyone step on me cuz i HAVE BEEN too nice before.
we all learn from mistakes. and i don't wanna make the same mistakes again.

i do things i am asked to do even if sometimes i feel some physical pain. i just don't complain cuz i don't wanna be seen as weak even if i can't take it anymore. but just because i make mistakes and i do what i'm asked to do and i don't yack and i button my lip when i get talked to in a pathetic manner does not freaking mean i'm under anyone. HELL i STILL respect people no matter how unkind they can get...

i honestly like my colleagues. and i respect each and every one of 'em. i guess even if i got backbitten...but just don't expect me to be as nice. sigh. ouh well.

retain your RESPECT...if you got that...*tahha*

hole.

" There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every
time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said,

'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same again. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
But It won't matter how many times you say ‘I'm sorry’, the wound will still be there.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one….’ "

i guess we all need to be reminded everytime about this. i know we’ve all heard/read it before but we either forget or ignore. ouh well.

it was filled with love, but you started nailing my heart and then pulling them out, inadvertently discerning that you've left so many holes; the pain you've inflicted on me - causing anger. so not only does my heart contain love, it is now comprised with pain and anger as well.

tired

bariste

eyeyyy...
'sup...
hehe.

back to work after so long.
my first day as a BARISTE ;)
like...after so long lah...
i've earned the so-called 'promotion'! nyaha!!!
guess 'cuz i'm gonna turn 6th month old at TCC on the 15th?
hehe.

jowelyn trained me...aziz as well.
but yeah, when was tested by zix, i failed :(
i'm not a fast-learner as i told shah before.
but i'm doing my best.
just 'cuz i wasn't taught some other things that was asked, doesn't mean it's 'as good as not learning anything'.
that's pretty much effed up.
i did and am doin' my best.
God knows.
even if i was unable to recall most of the things...
still...
i learned today, fullstop.

ouh well.
not everyone is like someone you adore/admire[who has impressed you in a way somehow]...
i hope people learn that people have levels of speed-of-learning [whatever sheyt you call it]





all the best to all those havin' exams this week.
:)

well.

Good evening, guys.
how's everyone been?

school's finally out again.
I am finally out of ITE.

i just hope to get into Poly...
i just wanna get into Poly...
i need to get into Poly...

i’ve missed everyone...
i was so freakin’ busy i didn’t have time for y’all.
i’ve tried to ‘make time’ but just won’t allow me...
ouh well.
now that school’s out, i’ll be busy with work... :(
not that i duwanna work…it just means i’ll still be busy right?
but i’m sure i have more time now to give y’all. hehe.

time...
sigh.
i hope everything goes well.
this has just got to be a minor thing, please.
i’ve got so many unfinished business to do.
please let me do them first...
i beg of You.
Thank You.

panlima

maligayang pan limang buan, mahal ko

uhhgain.

the baboy has woken up...i fell asleep waiting...

i gotta finish this sheyt by tonight!!!
joanne's got work at 8 in the morning tomorrow!

the only people i know well that would defy my 'do not bug' statuses is tiu and kiki.
:D

my subway date!!!

magsswimming na ung baboy ko. ouh well. ganyan talaga. cge nah.

uhhh....

lonely boring gloomy saturday!
lonely even if momz and popz 're here...
boring even if i have so many things to do...school stuff. YES! school stuff. i know many of y'all will think otherwise. c'mon. i'm not a 24/7 too much of an idler! i do do my school stuffs! idiots.
gloomy - well, blame it on the weather! sheesh! makes my face go :(

and lonely, boring, gloomy coz i currently do not have the attention i'm seeking for from baboy ko as the baboy pigs on the bed - sleeping, snoring, probably drooling...saying grossy things or maybe even fantisizing on some undesired things, lol.

ouh puh-lease!




aaaaand.....
okaye!
i've been randomly typing things i've been randomly thinking of which i randomly keep deleting for the past 5minutes.

and i've typed a lot! as long as my usual posts that makes your eyes go round and round until you decide to just click the 'x' on the window or the tab! =.=" zzzzz...idiots.



ouhkaye, i'll stick to this.

the 'ten's tag game

indirectly tagged by: shahera

TEN ARE YOUS
1. Are you single - no
2. Are you happy - no mood to be happy. lol
3. Are you bored - nope...got loadsa shits to do man.
4. Are you fair - fair-color? fair-reasonable? fair-color? no. fair-reasonable? so-so
5. Are you Italian - no
6. Are you intelligent - i'm fucking intelligently dumb
7. Are you honest - yes...too honest...
8. Are you nice - not really.
9. Are you Irish - i'm asian.
10. Are you Asian - yea, with a mix of spanish and some asian blood, but generally an asian

TEN FACTS
1. Full Name - Joanne....
2. Nicknames - jojo, jo, ferarri, mojo jojo, helmet, [i forgot e rest]
3. Birth place - manila
4. Hair color - black
5. Natural hair style - straight
6. Eye Color - brown
7. Birthday - 19 june
(number 8 is missing) - stupid!
9. Favorite color - hot/neon pink/green, black, white, red
10. One place you'd like to visit - heaven?

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love - ya
2. Do you believe in love at first sight - havent experienced it yet, i think.
3. Do you currently have a crush? - no
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally - ya
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart - ya
6. Have you ever had your heart broken - ya
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them - ya
8. Are you afraid of commitment - idk
9. Who was the last person you hugged - idr
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? - kelo?

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust - Love
2. Hard liquor or beer - hard liq
3. Cats or dogs - dogs
4. A few best friends or any regular friends - a few best friends
5. Creamy or Crunchy - crunchy
6. Pencil or Pen - pen
7. Wild night out or romantic night in - either
8. Money or Happiness - happiness
9. Night or day - Night
10. IM or phone - either

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out - idr
2. Seen a polar bear - ya
3. Done something you regret - loads
4. Bungee jumped - i wanna
5. Eaten food that fell on the floor - ya, the 'two-second rule' i think
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker - i probably could've but they dont have it here
7. Been caught naked - almost?
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back - ya, i can 'want' but i cannot do that
9. Cried because you lost a pet - yes
10. Wanted to disappear - yeah. during embarrasing moments.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes - either
2. Light or dark hair - light
3. Hugs or kisses - either
4. Shorter or taller - taller
5. Intelligence or attraction - intelligence with attraction
6. Topman or Zara - either
7. Funny or serious - why so serious? funny la...
8. Older or Younger - older
9. Outgoing or quiet - outgoing
10. Sweet or Bad - sweet

TEN HAVE YOUS
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yes, the lovely days are fucking gone and i'm locked up in this boring cage i'm currently living
2. Ever talked on the phone for longer than an hour - ya
3. Ever tried walking on your hands - ya
4. Ever been to a rock concert - ya
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team - no
6. Ever been on a dance team - yup
7. Ever been on a sports team - ya, those days :)
8. Ever been in a drama play/production - yea
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley? - i'd want a viper though
10. Ever been in a rap video? - no

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made - pearlyn
2. Last person you kissed - idr
3. Last person you hung out with - mom
4. Last time you worked - last week
5. Last person you talked to - pearlyn
6. Last person you IM'd - rv?
7. Last person you texted - gianelli
8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with - kel
9. Last person/thing you missed - grandma, filo streetfood.
10. Last website visited - idk

TEN PEOPLE TO DO THIS
1. whoever
2. whoever
3. whoever
4. whoever
5. whoever
6. whoever
7. whoever
8. whoever
9. whoever
10. whoever

febulous.

someone bring me to marina at keppel bay.



flowers,

chocolates,

flowers with chocolates,

reds,

hearts



are the in-thing again.








enjoy your Valentine's Day ;]

inane

the biddie who was once a buffy...
who used to fight for ardor with her swain...
whom she thought had veneration for her...
she, who used to be his inamorata...
has now fallen prey...
and is tussling against the futile clandestine ardor...

the oath he uttered...
to never cause her slur nor make her snivel...
flowed down the drain like acid rain that would corrode the ecstasy they used to revel in.

the 'cavalier' just disparates him.
she has now agreed, under duress, to be a thrall for the fucking lad.

HELLo guys.
you will not be hearing much from me...

river

i can't believe i'm getting more scrawny each day.

i've been crying a lot again and i fucking hate it...

i was wiping my tears off in front of people today...in public, at work, at home...
because of everything that i'm feeling. it just sucks so much that i wanna poke my eyes out!
i hate to be seen crying. i know we all do. especially by my parents.



i just really wanna do so much for the people i care for.

white flag

today i thought i'd be working 0900-1700...but shah texted 1500-2200 which i only read at 8-ish am. it was a relief somehow. cuz i could barely open my eyes to even read the text message; took me quite awhile to finish reading the SMS.

finally woke up at 12 and wanted to get ready but my ankle was in pain again.
i thought i could get over it if i just walk it off...but dayyem. so yeah.
i thought twice about going to work...called shah but didn't pick up. fine.
so i decided to just go. coz if i just phoned them about the ankle-shit they probably won't believe me.

so there, had to pretend to walk okay-ish here at home so my parents won't bug me about it...it was a fucking TORTURE. but i just endured. on the way to work, zix called to pick up the advocaat egg nog liquor and some cans of coke at funan. shux. shah finally let me off almost four hours after feeling my swollen right ankle...
sigh.
i was LITERALLY limping my way to work, at work and from work [on the way home]. and i fucking endured all that because i didn't wanna be the same ol' fucking joanne who fucking rants all the fucking time about small fucking things.

but besides withstanding that, i was further hurt by some text messages from someone whom i thought would understand me the most. so yeah, again, the weak joanne couldn't help but to tear on the way to work, at work and on the way home.

i haven't had any rest since 15dec because i've been walking the whole fucking day and've been going home late. it may seem such a short period of time to you guys. but having to walk and stand almost 24hours everyday non-stop? getting up at 6am and reaching home at 12am everyday? count my rest time.

i am so strong-willed up to now about working everyday and not minding the standing up part...but it's my body that gave up on me. what the fuck can i do? brain versus body? yeah, my mind keeps sayin' i can get over the pain but my feet just can't walk anymore.

i've said this so many times. i'm sorry i'm not as strong as you are or as others.

people, please stop expecting stuff from me already. STOP. can you just let me prove to MYSELF first before proving to any of you that i can be a responsible piece of crap?

my parents are mad that i'm so skinny already [except for the tummy] and that i don't have enough rest...enough time for God...for them...for my own room...
i'm so tired of just being told that i've no time for people or i'm not making any effort for somebody or anybody. because believe me, i'm doing my best to divide my time but it's just not enough. my time and energy is just not enough. i don't even have enough time for myself...i don't have the time to eat and get proper sleep. yeah, yeah, bad time management? i'll give you my routine schedule everyday including my personal things...see if you can come up with something.
i'm just never good enough am i?
i get scolded about my studies, about my attitude, about my work, about myself...


but despite all that, thank you anyway.
really.
thank you.


cuz not only am i already spiritually and physically hurt...i'm still emotionally hurt.
but still, i'm just accepting it all. i'm still putting up that stupid fucking smile. yeah, c'mon. give me more. as of this moment, i just don't see the point of fighting back. i've lost my energy to fight. i'm just 'nod ya head'-ing...i'm surrendering. anyone can even beat the fucking hell out of me and i won't say anything. you can slap me with words...with hands...with whatever...i won't say anything...yeah, y'all can dominate me...i'm just so tired of saying out so much...
i'll leave it all to God...and probably karma.
the only outlet i have is Him and this cuz i have no one else who understands me from deep within.



i'm so tired.

simbang gabi '08 [part one]

good morning friends...

right now, i'm wishin' i'm doin' this post on a rooftop;
relishing the midnight breeze,
gazing and number-crunching the stars
and savoring the aroma of the night whiff.

but instead, i'm on the bed...
with the windows closed
with the fan off
with the light on
and legs blanketted...
hahaha. how conflicting.

well anyways, it just means i'm inspired to post. ;]



despite the fatigue i get from work and still managing to attend night masses everyday since monday [work and night masses both started on monday, 15/12/08], i gain strength to smile when i see michael; who comes to my workplace almost everyday and stalks me when i meet up with my folks for masses.

the good thing is, i see him everyday and get to hold him - even for JUST a second.
that little gesture 'overwhelms [kilig] me to the bones...;
as in...
to the core,
from head to toe,
to the highest of the highest
and the lowest of the lowest,
to the right-est of the right-est
and the left-est of the left-est,
to infinity and beyond'...

we have been seeing each other for eight days straight and will probably go beyond our 'record' and maybe even BerGhen's [pronounced as *VirGen*] too! tahha!

i also gain strength when i'm with my folks...because we barely have time for one another at home. as in LITERALLY.
yeah, we are THAT busy. so the only time we have is the night-masses times.
as for my brother...he only got to join us for a night. the rest of the days...he's busy with work [excuses]. so i really have nothing else to say but to shake head.

BUT who am i to comment on him when i myself whimper even when i go for the masses.
i whine that my feet aches like tooooot! and that i NEED to sit...when at work, i CAN endure the pain and suffering.
i grumble that i have a headache and is sleepy and feels the NEED to be excused to sit and close my eyes because of work...when at work i bear with those and continue my job...
i eat/drink like no one's business even when the mass has started...when at work, i sustain from doin' those and patiently wait for my break...
freakin' shtoopid huh? HATE it. it's like i'm attendin' the masses for the wrong reasons...gahhh!

but anyways, two more night masses and then back to normal til next year again.

~~
just a little sharing on the night masses.

i haven't had the opportunity like earlier tonight; wherein i people-watch.
earlier tonight, Simbang Gabi was held at Tampines, Church of the Holy Trinity.
AND for the first time, out of all the SG [Simbang Gabi] days, i actually QUEUED UP for the Food. zzz.
well...mom forced me to.

kelo took an extra porridge for me [which i gave to mom instead...but glad that i still got to taste them].
when i came with the porridge and pass it to mom, she asked me to take another - for my aunt and unc...i of course was reluctant...cuz i don't like queueing up and being nudged by people just to get food. sheeesh!
but yeah, i did anyway...i got the pansit [beehoon?!] and even asked for the porridge too...but the guy told me: "sorry, if you already got the pansit, you can't get the porridge, so that everyone has the opportunity to get some food" [the people in front of me have BOTH mann! ugh!]
But since mom told me to get TWO...so i HAD to lie [i don't know why i HAD to]: "ouh, it's for my grandma" and the guy just gave it to me... ;p
after the effort and patience of queueing up and getting the food and finding my way out of the crowd, i passed it to my aunt and unc...who HESITATED to get the food.
ouh c'mon now! i didn't do all those just for you guys to reject them! eeeesh. so i just passed it to them and walked away to the gate and sat there and waited for them to finish the food...and chats...zzz.

so while waiting, i was watching people pass me by and they all amused me...the different kinds of reactions on their faces. hahaha. young or old, seeing them all eat their food just really made them look like they're havin' SECOND-CHILDHOOD...

2 or 3 guys positioned themselves at the gate and opened the boxes they carried and started giving out these snacks.
people leavin' and passing by the guys [even passing the gate line already...] go back just to take the snack. some took 5...some just 1...slipping it/them into their bags...smilin' like little children...some were even goin' back to take a few more... ;S


well, we are all children of God...so the smile on our faces when we were young will still be visible even when we are all wrinkly.
well, people would take the effort to queue up for free food anyway.
just not me. hah.
and no, it's not the pride or anything...
i just don't fancy the queueing ups and squeezings and being nudged...sucks man. plus their loud voices...sheeeeeesh!

but hey, these are the little things that puts a smile on my face...observing the kinds of reactions on their faces...people are funny. teehee. well, i shall say more of the my experiences and thoughts about SG on my next post...




~~
i HAVEN'T done any shopping for Christmas :'(
tomorrow shall be the day! if i can wake up early...tsss.

crap face.

i gave myself JUST TWO days of rest before goin' back to the beloved TCC.
for days...i felt pressured of what was to come.
what was to be expected of me and sheytz.

like hot dayyem.
just SECOND day and already FULL-BODY ACHE.
ouh, i'm workin' at CQ now by the way.
at first i thought it was the lack of calcium i have.
but when i thought of what i did before gettin' back to TCC, it suddenly struck me that i DID have a somewhat good life at Creative, shitting sitting down there the WHOLE of the day and just absorbing radiation from the CRT monitor [yeah, C-R-A-P!!! for a very big company to use such old monitors?] that we used.

ouh weyyll...third day and i just wanted to quit but i couldn't...just because i want to learn MORE.
what fucking PISSED the hell outta me today is...already i did not have any food since i fucking woke up at 8...and i have NO 30mins break; as i'm only workin' for 5h [i EVEN felt exkyted to see baby earlier and thought i could have longer time with him], i had training that started from 4 and i thought by 5 i'd be released...STILL!!! we had a meeting that i thought would last just a 1/2h later BUT of which, ended at SEVEN!!! i was LITERALLY standing up from the time i woke up til to Kovan...that's like TWELVE FULL straight hours!!! FUCKING HELL.

i felt so fucking DRAINED, so WOOZY and my knees were so WOBBLY that i could COLLAPSE anytime, anywhere...but i just remained as normal as i could for michael and EVEN bought him food [for making him wait for me for 2h plus for nothing]...he didn't take it anyway. i felt crushed even MORE when he REJECTED it numerous times when i insisted he take them because i ESPECIALLY bought them for him.
hmmm, either he didn't like them? or they looked cheap? i don't know. but i was too weak to voice out that it EMBARRASSED the fuck outta me that he didn't take the food i bought for him. SIGH. furthermore, i didn't get to talk to him much nor hold him because i was talkin' to ate jowellyn from Clarke Quay to Kovan [hyeah, he felt neglected...but jowellyn kept yackin' and yackin' mann!!! i can't just be rude and shut her off]...then from Kovan to church, i was with dad.

i have been making him wait for me...ALWAYS...and he makes the effort to come down to see me and stuff...i just feel very doleful for him...that when we finally meet, we get quiet because of the waiting time that really pisses people off and loses their mood...
BUT i am also so fucking exhausted that when we finally meet, all i want to do is JUST have a nice, JOLLY conversation and out with the small, petty arguments and just STILL put a smile on my face even when i really am toooooooo ENERVATED from the sheytz i do because i want to make him feel special...and not make him feel like he's being treated like SHIT [where i make him wait and then finally just give that long, black, you-better-shut-the-fuck-up-i'm-too-tired-to-quarrel-for-being-late face].


my manager, shah talked to me yesterday; tuesday and clarified if i could juggle my work with family, boyfriend, school, friends, etc.
i paused and thought about it...it seemed highly unlikely but i STILL said i'll DO my best.

i just don't know if i still can celebrate [all the whacked-ness i invested my energy in] by partying or beaching or shopping and stuff because i would rather recharge and energize by sleeping all day and night if i could!!! like really FUCK damn.

ugh!

hate!

i hope to complete the 'Simbang Gabi' with michael even if we are physically far from each other at church...but just spiritually and emotionally would delight me...somehow, i STILL find the strength to attend the mass even if my body's gone brittle...but sadly, it disrupts my mind from listening to the mass because i think more about how tired i am and most especially, KELO...dammet.

anyway. i just want a nice indulgence after all these sheytz...
and i REALLY need to continuously FOCUS on my crunches again...

Creative.

many gosh-es...
i've been so very caught up with work that i've little time for myself and family...most especially God...
i also have no time to blog even when i feel the want and need to...and most especially when i just have the spur to.
and i freaking-ly doubt that my experiences in the past two months will pretty much remain fresh in my rotting mind as i'm inclined to forget things even if i do not want to.

well, anyways, i'll just share whatever i can remember ;]



how's workin' at Creative? - almost good.
why? - the job i've always been KINDA hopin' for...where i can sit in front of the computer
every-freakin'-day...

the snag?
- it's so freakin' PEACEFUL inside that all you hear are the typings...and the freakin' thing is that i only brought my earphones like 3weeks to ending. so i spent the 6 weeks suffering with the freakin' ennui.
trust me, i felt like SCREAMING down there. i got so bored that sometimes i will sing or yawn loudly or just make noise...[they gave those looks, but who cares?]
- i am seated at the same cubicle with the 'highest boss' [overall in-charge of the IA students], H...and he is seated right at the back; two tables behind me. so he bloody-hell kept checkin' on me [checkin' if the computer screen's on a related sheyt to work]
like, mann!!! c'mon uh, i do my job well...but i ended up gettin' the FUCKING lowest marks[most likely] among the group JUST BECAUSE of my punctuality and an incident [forgettin' to remove my cap and shades] which i think is irrational because others have worn caps many times and he failed to even open his FUCKING big eyes [he has BIG eyes that he will open so wide just to 'try' to scare the ass outta you]
OUH and he has APPLE BOTTOMs too!!! for a man to have such bottoms?! ewww-y!

i've got so much to say about this guy...he's just bias...he obviously hates me[and clarence] for comin' late that he purposely has to give me the fucking lowest marks. HAD I KNOWN!!! i would've backed out from the fucking project we were TRICKED to do and 100%-ly focus on the emails so i can attain higher marks! like FUCK mann, cereally! well, yeah, it probably gave him the impression that i do not care...cuz there were numerous times he saw me with that face...so yeah.

i SWEAR that face-attitude thingy didn't want to stop there...i wanted to articulate THE word to his face everytime i see him but it's my future we're talkin' about...not gonna jeopardize it further since it's already been damaged...just imagine if i actually showed my fuck-care behavior...i'd be long gone and blacklisted to the companies they are closely tied-up with.

ouh well, WHATEVER.


all i can say is WWCR [World Wide Customer Response] would be livelier and be better off WITHOUT him. they need someone who is FUN and really cares for people's feelings...and not just about gettin' the bloody job done.

the work's fine. just the project gave me crappy days. but anyways.


THANK YOU to the people who helped me; emails, food, drinks, project, friendship ;]
really appreciate them. anne; our trainer.
the teams:
CLI- jiawen, pablo, clarence, raymond, ray, rafael, james, huiting, raj?, marcus, vic, cassan, steven, jeen.
CLE- ramil, sham, yijuan, gau, kenny, [the rest, i don't know].
CLA- ying zhen, xue qing, ??????? [i don't know] ;p


THANK YOU.





ps. h suck. ;)
and with regards to their products, i shan't be so cruel and advise people to not support their products because they're not so creative and worthy as i used to think they are...
emmm...WOOPS?! ;]

Creative's f...fa...fu...f-i....n...e

tall, dark, hott

sigh.
finally, our paths crossed again...
but only in my dream...
last night/this mornin'...

it was...
pretty outrageous...

here's the scenario...
was walkin' and chattin' with my Creative colleagues at the usual way [we walk every mornin' and evenin' to work...]
and the thing is, I don't know how come he was there?!

well, I don't even remember much...
the only remarkable and unforgettable part i could remember was we were walkin' while talkin' on the pathway with my colleagues and at the same time, also kinda arguing with him over something i wish i can remember?
then when crossing the road.......

he suddenly shouted he still loves me!
and that uberly shocked me. like my eyes were as big as an almond [still in its shell]
and i woke up...and i was still astonished as to what i heard!

I suddenly felt so blissful yet wonder...whether in reality,...?



well, i just want an answer...


but i guess an answer would not make a difference anyway.


it cannot erase the past.



it probably cannot bring back the past.


then i guess...it's all an inept...

like
damn
fuck.

irreparable!

i want my moddafockken' gentleman prince/knight/dream guy!

fuck. i already know who but is just highly impossible.

:(

because i thought i have one!

where are you?

sigh.

fuck.

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