only.

ONLY YOU and your last chance can change me for the better again...

few days back, had a convo with momzky...then randomly brought michael up.
she asked how he was doing...

and i responded, "how was i supposed to know."

but that i also told her about the plan i have when i come back home...

that was to have a good closure...

then she got curious again as to why we really broke up.

and she wondered...

"so how...if you guys get married...if one makes a mistake...he'll leave just like that?"

"there's nothing we can do, mom. it's just the way it is..."

"haiyuh...whatever...just focus on your studies, okaye, baby?"

"yes mom... ;)"

ouhwell.

only just a dream...

wow. what a dream. ;)

but...

:(

i doubt it'll happen...

we were havin' our usual 'manila adventure' during his visits - tho in my dream, we really have parted... =/ [the irony of dreams...tsktsk...]
in fast pace he walked, while i tried to keep up from behind.
suddenly some guys hanging around along the streets were mumbling things to me as i walked past...
and michael [who probably took notice] got protective; and so grabbed my left hand and took big steps just to get me off that place...
he then pressed me against the wall and uttered: 
"i still love you, joanne. i just want you back..."
thrusted his body towards mine...then an exchanged of body heat
"i still love you too, michael...i love you."
" i just love you so much, baby..."
"i love you too baby..."
he then pulled away as he realized we were in public...
we continued walkin', only this time...with sparks ;p *fireworks! grenades! dynamite!*
we made a stop-over at a stall, ordered burger and hotdog sandwich while he went away for awhile...then came back with a bunch of friends who seemed to be working at those 'big blocks of ice' places...that was located just beside the stall we were at. introduced me to them then informed me they'll just go to the place for awhile. minutes later, i got bored and lonely and decided to follow him. saw the place that looked like trash with street kids playing with those big blocks of ice =/ 
went further in and found no one...
then i woke up. 
=_="

nice ending ar. to hell with whatever the shit that woke me up! thanks for spoiling my dream! tsss.

*snap back to reality, jojo*  tsss.

Relinquish.

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

hmmm...i guess i loved him too much that i had to let him go...
i dare not force myself into someone who chooses to walk away and doesn't want me anymore...
but my friends, especially those who know me longer, know well enough that what i had with him was real.
they saw the big change, the different and better me when i was with him...
they knew i gave my all. something i'd never do to any other.
the one i had with my first love...was nowhere close to what i had with him...
because my last wish and prayer from God...i requested for a last love that will last til my last breath...and when i get it...i will tReasuRe it and would give eveRything.

yes, i'm still a human being. i make mistakes.
i am guilty. but it's just not enough to bRing eveRything back. it's alRight. it's a lesson leaRned.



i've stopped hoping...but my fRiends aRe continuing the desire of us getting back one day.
"just let time heal" they said.

but it's too early to tell...for many words & promises were broken...
"foreder" for one...is really "whateder"-ish...
"i'm not gonna leave you"...
"no matteR what"...

i was just as huRt as he was/is?...

last chance...

last chance is all i need to be a good person...and be a better one...

but if i get no 'go' signal...means i'll continue this.

still being hopeful for the last time no more... ;)

updated: 2133h, 08/01/11

heart and soul piercer.

facebook message @ 2138h

"Hi, u dun need to reply to this, but this is just more like a final statement. I want to end this in a nice way, I dont wanna be angry towards you anymore. I cant do anything about it but this happens in love relationship. I want to move on comfortably. I didnt expect this to happen., but i dont like you being like that, and it hurts me that i cant take this anymore. Im not asking for any of ur explanations., Because i dont think there's any way, I can be with u anymore. But through the years ive learned things from you, thats why im thanking u for everything since u came to my life. now its over, new chapter of life for us will begin this new year. although i know its a terrible way to start a new beginning for us. But Im hoping for us to move on., and yeah, take care always, thanks and sorry for everything., I love you, GOODBYE..."

if the higher one [God] can forgive...why can't you? you're just his fucking creation...
you just proved to me that im unlovable. and i will FOREDER grasp that.
FUCK THIS.

i am a good liar

why did it have to come to this?

i came here to the Phils to fulfill my goals and dreams and you were in it.

i set limits to discipline our relationship...and to have a healthy one.

yet I WAS THE ONE who broke 'em.

THE IRONY i say.

i was optimistically tellin myself to pursue askin for that LAST chance cuz i wanna prove to myself that i can be a better person - if not THE best...
that the 2years and 3months+ we had together was worthy enough for that LAST chance...
that the change you saw in me, will be enough to say that i STILL AM worth loving.


but adversely...WHO AM I to ask for a last chance? WHO AM I to deserve that LAST chance? during our brabbles you have ALWAYS been telling me that you DESERVE someone better. so i definitely am NOT worth loving...


even if i defend myself saying 
"it's not as if i cheated...no THIRD PARTY was involved...i had been faithful and loyal..."
my conscience is telling me that i WASN'T HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY in the end.
and that alone...is more than enough for you to leave me.
and that...I HIGHLY RESPECT.
that's why i didn't dare beg much...and even if i want to, i just don't deserve an effortful, loving person like you - anymore.
MY SORRY IS OTIOSE.
my SORRY will not regress the past.
and even if you accept me again, you won't be as happy as you were before...your level of doubt in me will just increase even more...


but do remember always...the paroles of love that i have conveyed to you - were all genuine. 
even at present.
BUT since you called me a liar...[a "good liar" were the exact words you used...] everything i said and i'm saying now will all be just prevarications to you.
even if i say I LOVE MY PARENTS, it'll still be a lie to you.
the words just hit me so hard...that even i, don't trust in myself anymore.
that the words i'm uttering are all lies to my soul.
i have now acquired a self-doubt...just because you regard me as a liar.
that is gonna have a vast encroachment in my life now.
and for that, I THANK YOU.


i actually had a dream last night that you SMSed me. it all seemed so real...that despite dumping me 24hours back, you still greeted me...[this isn't the exact SMS but this was what i recalled...
"happy new year baby. take care. i'll always be here."
*BAAAAM*
another smasher.
i woke up...and being the "late reaction-er" that i am...made me realize that WE're totally gone.
i threw it all away. with just a lie.
i don't incisively know what you meant when you said 
"i should have told u earlier that im out of this"
i guess you've been wanting me out of your life way before but because i was being obstinate...you had no choice but to stick with me.


the split weighed me down so much that i only got to sleep at 4am...got up at 7am...finished up my fucking project til 1pm, slept til 3pm and got up with a bad bodyache...forced myself to bath and leave for calauan...my body was gonna collapse for not consuming anything since the last "bloodiness" meal i had. reached calauan, starving but i didn't get to eat cuz i felt like puking it all out...laid down and i just started shivering...ella called and i tried to sound as normal as i could just so i wouldn't worry her...i think it went well...well, i'm not regarded as a "good liar" for nothing right? JB gave me paracetamol to calm me down...pretty much worked...and here i am again...
i hope this gets worse though...cuz it's not like anybody would care if i stay, living in this world...a good liar like me do not deserve to live. i'm just one of those pests that should be rid of.

i hope you won't think too highly of yourself though. you had your own shortcomings that made me neglect you.

12 & 13 december convo we had...

you articulated "im not gonna leave u" for 3 times.

and you did anyway. 

ergo, we're both just liars...

you prolly had a HAPPY new year...now that i'm out of your life. something you've always been wanting. one day, we will have a proper closure...slap me in the face if you wish. i will not budge. i deserve every single injurious thing you can think about doing unto me. i don't even mind being killed. as long as you get your justice. i am ready. 

mdld...was and is worth loving. 

gianelli, thank you for bringing michael that day...the day when it all started.

i will forever cherish everything we had...good or bad.

but then again. i'm just a liar. you will never believe these words.

"the one who'll hurt you the most...is the one whom you/you've love/d the best..."

y r u being the sweetest bestfriend i ever had?

because you aRe being the most, bestest exceptional-est bestfRiend i neveR had. ;) you aRe love. ella = love.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/spikopunk

fervour.

i just can't wait for KELO to come visit!
i'm so excited! i just can't hide it! ;p
i've said what i've been wanting to say to you in all the schmoozes we had...
remember, i meant all the words i said. may they be hurtful or pleasing.
i appreciate all the things you're doin' for us.
THANK YOU, love. it's still a 100% love for me. no deductions.

you've been workin' straight days with little rest...you're gonna need a good massage when you come 'ere. i'm just not good at those though ;( you might opt for a real masseuse ;( but if you opt for me...i'd be honoured? lol. shu'up!
i can't wait for mykeloby to help me with the house chores...i think that's gonna be so much FUN!!! take a load off my ass! like whoooootz! i'm gonna tour him around with ella. hahah! no wait. ella's gonna tour us around...yea! hehe.

i WILL enjoy my holidays. THANK YOU, LORD, for the wonderful gifts i have just received. it's not a bad month after all. ;) you're always unpredictable, God. see, i learned that from You! kelo likes that i am unpredictable! what bout ella? am i unpredictable to you too?! hahahah. well, what can i say God, You're my inspiration...and everyone else's too. heh.

depression verboten, euphoria reinfixed! lovvett.
lemme just get rid of prelims...and all's heaven. ;)
have a blessed sunday morning.

bestfriella

nice!

so i actually found the itch to write. ;)

i haven't actually found anything fascinating to write about since i got into this new chapter of my life.

the transition into this new chapter all began when i ran out of patience with my Canossian BSCSII classmates who has been demotivating me since first year, first sem. [wait, before i go on, NO, i'm not traducing my fellow Canossians. i'm just layin' out the feelings, thoughts and experiences i had during my stay there]
they've been dependent on others so much so that they refuse to do their responsibilities. they left everything to me: leadership, responsibility as [supposedly] officerS [not just the president], and even the responsibility as a student. they basically just go to school whenever they feel like goin'. i really wouldn't mind if our class was a big one...but imagine from 10 to 11 to 8 to just 6 students? and out of the 6 students last sem, 4 were idle, 1 was like a flickering light, flashing intermittently and there was i, left with all the tasks of a leader, a student, a friend who dragged herself to school despite the demotivation she's been dealing with with the whole school's set-up. 


time came i got too sick of the situation and decided to leave. but before i left for a better environment that would suit me, i did all my homeworks and researches for the new chapter of my journey. so right after finals, i started settling everything independently. there were delays that stretched til the last minute of the school's resumption but in the end, i got in ;) .

hah.and throughout the whole transition, all attention was focused on me!
funny how people would start blabbing stupid, bullcrap statements of pleasing you not to leave, saying it'll be a waste and that i will be missed and all the crap when they didn't really give a damn in the mother effin' first place?! tsss. =,=

--
so new chapter started. moved in to my temporary place while waiting for my permanent one. school was enjoyable. i was warmly welcomed at once though i was still pretty lonely at times. but overall, i was basking mannn! tahha. lovvett.


here comes the great part.
it felt like primary school days where you met new wonderful friends who immediately accepted your attitude and behaviour and be so close to each/one another. so to speak, she's someone close to heart from my past life ;) sweet eyy?


remember when i mentioned i lost that trust i used to freely give to people/new friends because of the afflictive experience i went through? and 2 years later i found gaining trust in guys better than gals? so i got another best friend, this time, a male but lost the 'best' in him after he entered National Service. YET found another best male friend later on who is, til now, still being his best for our friendship. neat.


okaye but this is the current highlight of not only the new chapter of my journey...but my journey as a whole in the phils. ~~

1st meeting
i met her when i was on a solo break at the caf. she was with my first year classmates and her other classmates. they saw me eatin' alone and called out my name...i looked, smiled, waved...then went back to my food. seconds later when i was about to have my first spoon, i heard em shouting my name repeatedly...calling me over to join 'em. t'was pretty unforgettable. they made me laugh so much. putting me in the hot seat, shooting all the questions like machine gun! and all i could do was laugh to myself while munching with difficulty! i was gonna choke for trying to speed up the chewing [something i never liked doing =.="] there wasn't much connection with her yet then though.

2nd meeting
was the day i got my school ID and i bumped into her and the others outside the Guidance Office and afterwards accompanied me to eat [for i hadn't taken anything the whole fucking day. =,=] she was the first one to say hi. it was also the same day an event in school happened where we had to be pretty much 'locked up' for the mass before we could go off at 530. i didn't get to join em for the mass and the party though...i hid at the caf along with her other friends who were also pretty funny. heh.


3rd meeting
was probably the day at the caf again where i was with Melane and she and her friends were sitting at the corner of the canteen near the waffle stall. and suddenly i was 'rained' with [her and co's] smses, buggin me and whatnot. lol. i lost so much load =.=" ;p


-- meeting
i don't know what happened at the fourth time and so on...but i do remember the smses i got...the adding at facebook and some chats we had which wasn't as 'cosy' as it got later on BUT i already had that 'comfortable' feeling of calling her 'babe' [like i do with my close galfriends] when she added me at facebook so i already had that comfort even before we got really close. rad!


first chill out
14 dec 2010. met her at amiel's place. was with her throughout the night. ouh and was she hospitable or what?! she 'endured' the whole night being my buddy ;) that's where it all really started. the 'what a night' night drew us nearer...[ehhssia, sound so gay siak...]


- the next day onwards, long chats occured and it went on...it was just so bad yet so good because we couldn't focus much on our school stuff at home cuz we just had to go on and on about whatever sheyyyt we had in mind...i already mentioned to her before how i thought i found a best friend in her but i think today was the day it only got to sink in to her? ahhaah. slow *itch. =.=" and tonight was the first misunderstanding we had. lol. 


come to think of it...everything happened so fast. and like i told her...if only we weren't straight...people would think we are lesbo lovers...tahahaha! okaye G-R-O-S-S damn. tsss! 
iunno about her but like i feel so engrossed schmoozing with her? like a drug she's too addictive? she's just got this sweet, receptive, genial personality in her...i looooike! she's emmm, so lam-bing? yeah. wicked. 
but like everybody else who comes and goes...how long will she be that level of a friend who will stay and have your back? i already reassured her i treasure friends and i will do what it takes to be that friend even when time comes we go our separate paths...

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so that pretty much ends my post for now. it's gotten pretty long again...i just really missed writing ;( haven't had this urge to stop whatever i'm doin' to just sit down, shut people out for awhile and write. ouhwell. i just did tahha ;) 

be an inspiration, not a 
massive destructive-distraction-addiction, ella. ~_=" 
;p

THE best.

You came at the right time.
You didn't give up until i was okaye.
You made sure i was okaye before going to sleep.
You would always make sure everything was good in my life. and would make it better if it wasn't.
You would put everything aside to listen to me.
You're still holding on to the promises you gave before you entered NS.
You regretted neglecting me when you had a girlfriend...
How long can you stay like this?
I've had 'best' friends who fell off and went to the other path.
I'm very blessed with a friend like you.
You top them ALL.

THANK YOU.
and
GOD BLESS.

2y 11mths ago...

19 November 2007
"subtly exposed"

something ive always thought im obliged to share my feelings about years ago never happened and wont ever. since ive blown all my rights to speak out about that matter; which i so firmly opposed to and still do, yet i am forever bounded by and shorn of that right. and i loathe myself for breaking my principle. and i know that even if i express contrition, it would not restore the right i once proudly owned and could shout out to the world. i have become a whited sepulcher to those whom ive concealed the veracity from. and most likely, even if against my will, will i have to uphold it and bring to my grave; with only a couple of hominids being aware of the fact. i am still in uncertainty if they have not leaked out any information about the shared secrecy. for i have sworn to be the soul of your discretion to anybody regardless the acquaintanceship of either parties. my only demand is you do the same.

will edit later...

Good evenin’ guys.
As of this moment, i had to intermit my review for my 3rd day of Midterms as i felt the itch to write.

I haven’t been able to give my engrossment towards my review...and already i fear i won’t do well this time :(
blame it on the workload they’ve been stuffin’ on us and makin’ us submit before and even on the day of their papers...[forcing us to focus more on the submission of the homeworks than exams...] ouh...and plus the consecutive occasions and activities they hold at the best timing of throwing ‘em near, during and after exam period! sheesh.
& that’s just SOME of my responsibilities in school. i’ll lay the rest out one of these days.
responsibilities off school..., that’s another story =.=”
really, who wouldn’t complain!
Don’t dare opine ‘time management’! Cuz i bet even you won’t be able to totally shut your mouth from ranting later on...

Now i duwanna seem like i’m mocking but...if only they would change the educational system in this school [or country] to what i was accustomed to: alott time for study week, study breaks and whatnot.

Perhaps this comes in the package i chose to take on... ;(

Well, so, yea, fine... I’m not used to overspilling load...
but i have been doin’ my best eversince i dedicated myself to achieving my goal...
i admit it’s pretty tough to adapt to abrupt changes but one thing i know is i’m NOT quitting – spiritually – even if my body and mind [and sometimes] emotions usurp my system most of the time. It is – honestly very fagging tho’! & it’s physically takin’ its toll on me, everybody’s noticing – i am, again getting tinier!

SO i hope i can get a good rest after this whole sheyyyt-ness. I’m sooo gonna plump out on sem break! All I need: loadssa dough... ;P

Speaking of sem break...it’s actually the major major factor to my most recent distraction over my studies...i have been chewing over the new alteration i’m gonna be experiencing...very soon, in God’s will...
I have been planning and, in fact, have already started my agendas for the next chapter of my journey...
Excitement and anxiety amalgamated...

Tho’ i know that everything has their disadvantages...i am...as of now...willing to go thru the change...which i believe is mandatory!

&with this,
mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up... mugging mugging mugging up...
gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Imissmyhome.

business meeeyyyyyyn

i'm at a point in my life where i've chosen to really grow and have considered life as a "serious business". &in being earnest means i only want everything in my life to be bona fide, authentic, and veritable; that everything else delusive will be forcedly abolished...

time&emotions are just too precious to be squandered,&most especially - manipulated.

;P

absence makes the love grow fonder...

but absence also makes us forget...

forget what?

pain? hate?

or love?

sometimes, paranoia makes me think that the impossible is possible IF we CHOOSE to do THE impossible.

but i still have faith in him.

we both know that just one mistake, it ends there.

that any possibilities of turning back and patching up is just against my scruples...

that is why i think...even after this, i'd consider this my pride...for withstanding and maturing this much...

but right now, i'm inlove. and it's just inexplicable.

back to a trash-gurl

Sir Archie: "the problem is nowadays, guys don't hypothesize anymore...they are more of assurers..."

they just always want it straight to the point...too lazy to use their brains to think or interpret....

hmmm....

well, that aside....

it's just so hard to argue without each other's presence...distance and budget are the damn barriers...


on monday, early at 7 on the way to manila, i told mom about the recent misunderstanding he and i had...and she told me...

"let him be...michael's a good guy...i can feel that he loves you...don't be too strict on him..."

i dig that momz...what i just don't get is...i got restrained and scolded and was changed so much back in SG til now to be a better person...and i changed because it was my choice to...i did it because this guy loves me and wants me to be a good person and most importantly, i have learned to love him.

but how come our behaviours are interchanging now that i'm here in the phils? i'm becoming the him that i met...and he's becomin' the me that he met...i thought we're supposed to be on the neutral?

God knows how much effort i gave in doin' the best that i can to be a better person for him...it was the hardest...and now it just hurts so much.

i don't do break ups through any types of communication other than face to face.
i sense he wanna end this so bad right now...and i really hate the situation of me being far away...if only i was there...he'd probably spitted the words "it's over" on my face by now...perhaps months ago? but i'd prefer that...to a coward way of doin' it through phone/chat/whateder...

perhaps there are ladies happily/excitedly queueing up and waiting for the day he goes "single"...

perhaps i'm just not worth his love...but whateder it is, hang on, and wait for the day we meet. then you can spit those words on my face...this is just as hard for me as it is for you.

i guess i understand now...i'm not worth anyone's love. it would be a miracle if someone picks me up from the dumpsite and would love me "endlessly"................

and with that i conclude...i'm just a no one.

choices

you taught me how to be a better person...
to be always responsible in whatever i do...

that even if i choose to do something not good for today, i shall never forget my responsibilities tomorrow.

i chose to apply that in my life.

i chose to put my bad side and straighten my life up for those who care

i allowed and trusted you to do something you want because i know you will still be able to carry out your duties the next day...

even if i was against it...i CHOSE to allow you...

because i was letting my excitement [of us hanging out online the next day] overcome me...

damn...

iunno if this really is it...

iunno if i should start believing the words people are saying...

but hell, im choosing to suppress it...

i know that i can't throw away and forget their opinions but i can bury it deep enough to prove them wrong.

i duwanna prove myself right: that guys are all the same cuz i chose to believe that you're different.

i don't know if you're gonna let your ego overpower you again and finally choose to walk out on me...

but whatever decisions that you make, make sure you stand by it...

12/07/10, 1235h

"i really feel sorry for having been a bad boyfriend to you for most of the time, i hate myself. i dont know if i can still be a good Boyfriend to you.. cos nagpa2iral tlga ang EGO ko., but its too much for me to be asking for forgiveness again. but i still wanna ask you to give me a chance to change and be a better BF."

12/07/10, 1259h

"really sorry baby for every bad thing ive done to you.. thank you for giving me another chance. i really love you.. mwah! i miss u! ....... .. how are u baby? bigat pakiramdam ko since kagabi. couldnt sleep, and no mood sa class kanina. but now Im better. ....."

i'm not angry cuz we didn't chat...i'm effed up cuz i got affected by your decision. you chose your happiness and your friends over me. now you're proving me that i'm not that special to you after all. we've talked before about not making me suffer with your decisions...that we'll still have our 'scheduled' chats. and you promised me that.

solitary

Since i am unable to have a fit of emotions with the only person i always share my thoughts with, the only one i can think of is you.

So here goes...

it has been a very hectic journey since 12 july, when grammz had her 2nd stroke and was rushed to the hospital...just when our fam’s recuperating from the crisis we went through, here comes a bigger blow...in a span of just A YEAR, we paid hospitals a ‘visit’ for 6 times...with a total ZILCH of cipher, it was highly unimaginable that we overcame those obstacles. it is THAT fucking tough not knowing where to run to for help..we were entirely on our own, with immediate relatives offering nada...

ironically, with every tougher setbacks that came, it made me stronger; not much of breakdowns and rants as i used to.

the most recent, the week that grammz got hospitalized, was our exam plus the typhoon period. My younger cousins and i took over aunt’s responsibilities of the house chores; cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, going to hospital plus revising for our papers...then electricity was out cuz of the typhoon...enduring heat and eyeache (use of candle) and sleepless nights just to be able to revise for exam was just gruelling.

at that time i wanted to squall and escape...but i took it as a challenge...grammz was discharged a week after...was a breather but our work just got more...taking care of grammz; changing diapers, feeding every 4hours, cleaning, changing bedsheets/blanket etc., then house chores and studies; this time, a thick-paged(4meetings) report, a one-week project, and many other minor subjects HWs. i was at the verge of sinking...physically, mentally...3hours of sleep out of every 24hours but courage kept me up when mom came. She took over my responsibilities and made me focus on my stuff. Thank you so much momzky.

another responsibility was gonna be thrown at me...to be a candidate of Ms Emerald (for College Day) as representative of my course, Com Sci. For a coupla times, i had been turning down the offer nicely...til on Friday, when i was preinformed by my other lecturers that my adviser had finally decided I run for Com Sci. It was flattering but with the responsibilities im facing now, made me decline the offer defensively this time (stating the reason i came to the Phils: focus on my studies and that’s it, no other activities) as i found they were making it seem like no matter how hard i try to refuse, Sir Arch has made up his mind and i have no choice but to cooperate. it was unfair that he’d accepted others’ refusal and then with no other options, just impose it on me. The paladin that i am, i don’t think they’d be able to ask another time, not even as a favour, but the chance and experience that i’d be missing is quite a waste.

hmm, iunno what i’d do, how i’d cope if mom leaves...i won’t have the option to not help anymore since i don’t have anyone to takeover my duties...i’ve spoken about that to mom and tomorrow when we go to manila and spend the day with her and hopefully with my brother, i’m gonna have the chance to show her my gratitude...i can’t wait to bond with mom. Hehe.

Well, it has been great divulging my current situation to you.

Like i said before, when everyone has walked out, only you and He will be left by my side and i wanna thank you so much for that. Though it’s filtered, i at least have spilled what i think i should release and the rest, He knows...